Archive for the ‘ Strange and socially akward ’ Category

Stupid Criminals part 1

Remember Jay Leno’s Stupid Criminals segments?  When he would regale the audience with tales of how someone got caught breaking into a house because they made it halfway through the dogie door and got stuck there?  Or was holding up a liquor store and trying to steal liquor too and when told that they needed to be over 21 to take the liquor, they handed over their license and even forgot to get it back?

There are many more of these.

John comes home from work fairly often with some doozies.  There is no end to the funny, and sometimes a little sad, tales of stupid criminals.

Take, for instance, the other day when a young kid was spied taking a box of Extenze (male “enhancement” product), off a shelf and putting it in his pocket. This crap sells for $40.00 a box.

John was waved over and he more or less stalked the guy until he got spooked and went into the bathroom.  John followed and the kid was immediately leaving.  John stopped him and gestured to the trashcan where the empty box was.  The boy denied everything and so was asked to step into the office.  He continued to deny that he had taken the box or that he had taken the blister packs out and had them on him.  John told him to just give it up, because the cops were going to be called and they WOULD get it back.  Nothing.  Complete denial.

The cops show up and, eventually the kid strips to his skivvies.  John said the cop told him, “Don’t take off the underwear!”  Anyway, they were tightie-whities, so it was evident it wasn’t in there.

Then they pulled out the big guns.  They called The Mama.  Tears were shed upon hearing this.  Mom showed up and he finally admitted taking the box and that when he got it into the bathroom, he discovered that someone had already stolen the contents.

This boy is 17 years old, just graduated from high school, 6’5″, has basketball scholarships to colleges, and stole a box of Extenze.

That was empty.

And he was a black kid, too!  Doing absolutely nothing to uphold the stereotype.


It was a misdemeanor, so I don’t think it’s going to hurt his ability to use the scholarships, at least I hope not.  I told John it just makes me want to shake him really hard and scream at him about how stupid that was.  He assured me that The Mama was most definitely going to be doing that.

In our next installment of Stupid Criminals, we will explore the question of, “Why are we consistantly turning up $100.00 short on one till or another when different people are running them… even department heads?” And no, it’s not organized crime. 🙂

Recently, John was practically comatose from overwork and sleep deprivation, when I woke him while getting in bed and he made a remark that if given a fraction of a second to respond while wide awake and alert he would have rather died than say.  He clearly wasn’t thinking straight and it was obviously not meant to be mean spirited.  He spoke these words to me and then, promptly rolled over and fell back to sleep.

I admit to feeling a tad stung at the exact moment, but in seconds I wanted to laugh, just because it really was out of character for him to say something so critical about my appearance.

I wasn’t going to say what he said, (out of deference to him), but it really was harmlessly meant.

He reached up to my face, (I was sitting up reading), and gently touched my cheek.  As I smiled and leaned into his hand a little he mumbled, “You’re getting some deep lines here… I noticed it the other day…”.  He, quite literally, rolled over and went back to sleep.

He was touching my laugh lines.

Needless to say I was… flabbergasted and a touch peeved, (not to mention a wrinkled up old prune), and I also knew, without a doubt, that he would never remember this tomorrow.  So I filled him in the next day and he was properly sorry and contrite, and had no recollection of the remark.

I shared this story with Kessa, the 19 year old child and she was incredulous.  Then a few days later, John told me that Kessa had, “ripped” him.

About what?

“Well, she started in on me about what happened the other night when I made that dumb remark to you about wrinkles and then Keelan walked in and Kes told her about it and they both jumped on me and I wasn’t sure I was gonna get out of here alive.”

HA!  My girls are looking out for me!

OK, fast forward several days to yesterday.  John and I were talking and making lists and whatnot as he was off work.  I told him I need some new  bras.  He said, Oh, Ok, or something like that.  And then made some off color remarks about why he doesn’t want me to wear them at all or some such thing.

After that he casually mentioned that it wasn’t too long ago that I got new bras and I agreed that it wasn’t that long but they really don’t do that much for me and I have my eye on one that will get ’em up there.  He then looked at me and said “What do you mean?”.

I was in a nightgown and said, “Well, they’re here…and I want them somewhere higher.  Don’t you think?”

He immediately opened his mouth and snapped it shut like he was trying to catch flies.  It’s a wonder he didn’t bite his tongue off.  He then squinted a little, looked slightly pained and very slowly said, “Where do YOU want them to be?”

Heh.  Yeah, he may be careless from time to time but, he’s not that stupid!

Let the torture continue…

Kessa bought a muzzle for The Boyfriend’s dog because he had nipped at another dog when they were playing.  It turned out to be too small.  She thought it would be funny to see what Baby would do when the muzzle was put on her, even though it was much too big.

I don’t think she liked it…

Yet, this didn’t keep me from laughing hysterically when I saw this picture.  Does this make me evil?  Perhaps.

Chuck, of Dooce fame may be an extremely well trained, talented dog, but I challenge him to look this pitiful.  Anyway… this pic is now my desktop picture.  I smile every time I look at it. 🙂

On to other things.

I think it’s weird that the person in, or close to Dublin, California that checks in on me regularly did so immediately before someone in Dublin, Ireland looked in.

I am the kind of person that derives immense pleasure in curious, wacky, little  coincidences like this.  I should have been a statistical expert, that way I would know just exactly how tickled to be.

Here I am waving at you, person in Dublin, California… HI!  OK, I guess I should wave at the person in Ireland, too, but, they’re not a regular, so I won’t be quite as enthusiastic.  Hi! (Not in all caps, yet still heartfelt.)

I am also going to take a minute to wave to a bunch of other regulars that I don’t know who are.  A lot of the same people check in regularly, but I know most of them from comments and email back and forth.  However, there are some that have been looking in on a regular basis for a very long time and not ever letting me know who they are.  (Cue the spooky music)

OK, lurkers, you know who you are!

Someone in West Jordan Utah, someone in or around Dallas, Texas, Jarrettsville, Maryland and Melbourne, Australia.


Well, there are more, but these are the only ones that are on the Live Feed right at this moment.  Once again, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, if you want your time in my, er…limelight(?) just comment and let me get to know you!

This particular post is one of those that’s a work in progress.  I have added to it twice now and I don’t know when it will feel finished.

Regular readers are probably wondering what exactly would constitute a “finished” er, “work”. Shush.  I could easily make a series of statements that flow together seamlessly and form cohesive thoughts and feelings and you would NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT WEBSITE YOU HAD STOPPED AT.

So this is how I roll.

I swear I'm not really dead.

It just seems like it sometimes.

I am being threatened again, by family and… “loved” ones.  I am being told that if I don’t post again immediately, well, there will be consequences.

You don’t want to know.

So here’s what’s going on at chez Lopez now and for the past six months few days.

As you probably remember, there was another auspicious occasion to go along with Mother’s Day.  My birthday was the day before.  I promised pictures when I wasn’t feeling too lazy to work on it and since I am now properly motivated, here they are.

Here’s John and I at Olive Garden.  I gained 50 pounds that night, and it’s all in my neck… and boobs.  I SWEAR my neck doesn’t look that wide in real life.  My boobs, however… Yeah, that’s about it.

We had a wonderful time and I got all kinds of gifts and whatnots.  The whatnots were especially great, but what would you expect?  I know everyone has had tons of fun with their whatnot’s before and you know of what I speak.

Here I am with my adoring fans.  I know you thought I really didn’t have any so I am attempting to provide proof.  John took this and I have to admit that every night there is a fight to see who can get in my lap first when I sit down in the living room with John to watch TV and talk.  Please click on the picture and notice that there are three (3) animals ergonomically packed into the chair with me.  There is the one small dog slid in over there on the right trying not to be noticed, cause if I get feeling claustrophobic after a bit, or just plain HOT (and who wouldn’t), they all have to be dumped out.

Going   back a ways, the last time I was at World Market I found the neatest little pair of earrings.  They are freshwater pearl on a sterling silver wire.  And, they were ten bucks.  I LOVE them.  They are comfortable to sleep in and came with little, tiny, clear acrylic backs that keeps them from wriggling out of my ear.  Cause if something can wriggle off of me, it will.  Except the pets… I think we all can agree that I am doomed to be smothered by the pets.

Moving right along…

This tree, planted between my house and the neighbors is in bloom and it is the neatest thing!  The blooms, that are ALL OVER IT smell like lavender.  And I guess they look a tad like it too.

The leaves, however, look like marijuana.

Well, they DO.

I have named it the “Lavender Marijuana Tree”.  It sounds like a kind that should be very expensive.

And finally we come to my new Haan steam mop!  Ignore the little old lady in the background.  She continually throws food onto the floor for the dogs, (and they DO NOT clean it up well), and she’s the reason I need the steam mop in the first place….  Yeah.  That’s what I’m going to run with.

Anyway, Mither gave it to me because I had told her how badly I wanted one and there is genuinely a NEED for it.  She’s wonderful like that!

This bad boy does it all and with only a cup of water.  Of course it needs someone to run it around and before that happens the floors need all the pet hair and food scraps swept up off of it.  My chiropractor specifically told me not to sweep or mop for a couple of days.

What?  Chiropractor?  Krissa, you must lead an exciting life doing all kinds of adventurous things to have to go and see a chiropractor.

Yeah, well… OK, sure.

John went with me and I was glad he did so he could see and verify that I wasn’t just making up big fat fibs about how archaic the machinery looks in there.  Plus I felt like it wouldn’t hurt for him to hear all the cracking that happened when she “adjusted” me.

I feel  better now and go back again on Friday.  Henrietta, on the other hand is going on a diet.  She laughed when I told her that…  I don’t know why she thought I was joking…

It’s late now and I am tired and am about to go to bed.  John is snoring lightly in the chair beside me and he’s off work tomorrow.  So we will get all kinds of things done.  Maybe.

Free toes, everybody!

Other O development Os?

In worry of a lawsuit respect for my Mexican readers, (I have none that I know of), I have titled my post in… Spanish(?)

Whatever.  My political corrected-ness doesn’t go too terribly far.  Ashamed for my “slander” of my SIL’s wetback boyfriend?  Not entirely.

OK, not really at all.

The afore mentioned wetback is a very nice guy and holds a job in a mechanics garage and really wants to get me alone without my husband around learn better English and pay taxes.

Yes, he does in fact stare at me and make me feel quite uncomfortable from time to time.  Even some of the other members of my family have noticed it.  Yet, he always wanders outside and finds something useful to do while the SIL is here.  Mow the lawn, clean out the garage, weedeat.  Whatever he can find.

So hell yeah, I tolerate leering!  I have told John more than once that if he wants to, try out polygamy,  have a three way, or just a girlfriend, it’s fine with me as long as the other chick cleans house.  And I mean good!  Not like I do.

Yeah.  I can be loose and uber cool.

Until I don’t want to.  And that’s? the tricky part.