Archive for the ‘ Free Toes! ’ Category

Jim Cantore has the hots for me.

Hello everybody! Just popping in  to say, “Yes, I am still alive and stumbling around dumbfounded trying to figure out what the hell is happening NOW well, here in HalfAssticland.

Today, I have been working in the yard where all manner of wildlife, in the form of beetles, rolly-pollies, worms, and the ubiquitous lizard, all were friendly and asked where they could find other family members to terrorize.

I gave them the family’s itinerary and directions on where to find each member, because that’s the kind of person I am.

In other news, Keelan and her boyfriend are still split up, but at this point she has moved on and seems much happier this way. Can I get a collective sigh, here?

I guess the only really big news is that, apparently, Jim Cantore, of The Weather Channel fame, is… pursuing me.

Let that sink in a minute…

OK, I can only assume as much since he texts at least 3 or 4 times a day. He even does it when John is sitting right there beside me!

I have read the texts to John and he is totally unconcerned. This is because they seem harmless. But I can’t even understand them!

Clearly, they are in some sort of code. But if he’d pay any attention at all he could tell they are leading in nature. And somewhat lascivious.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love the word lascivious? That and Wikileaks. I know Wikileaks has some serious, bad connotations, but I’d like to name a child that. Wiki Leaks Lopez… I think that name has potential.

But, I digress.

Aaaanywaaaay, Jim is sending me things like, “Hope you’re having a good Supermoon Saturday.”

“I expect you in the proper gear this go round. ;-)”

“I will have graphic on that in 2 minutes.”


Then there’s the ones he sends that are pretty self-explanatory. Be warned: This is where the “lascivious” part comes in.

“I am telling you this is huge!!”

“its Ginormous!”

“Epic !! Again”

Then there’s the ones I can’t make heads or tails of, but he’s clearly trying to tell me something.

“Data isn’t being decoded properly or their is another type of error. Call your cable provider if its not fixed by morning.”

“Highway 1 near Big Sur, CA expected to be closed for at least a month”

“What is the official Meteorological Agency for Brazil if I may ask.”

That’s is the gist of the average message I get from him. It all started the other day when I decided to follow him on Twitter and, apparently, he somehow got my cell phone number from there.

At least that’s going to be my story. 😉

AND he’s adorable!

Free toes, everybody!


Look what’s new and Mardi Gras

Well, I know… It ain’t all that. And I don’t use the word “ain’t” lightly. Sometimes there’s just a place for it. It’s not the old HalfAsstic mast head with all the style and flair, yet it’s not that ridiculous country lane with the dude skulking off in the distance making you wonder what the hell he’d been up to and is he about to break into a run, and are those police lights coming up the road behind him and is he staggering?

Yeah. One of the many default looks, but it got old fast and never looked remotely HalfAsstic.

This one? Not perfect, yet much better.


Now, I am going to try to do better about posting. You have probably heard that from me in the past few years, and I meant it, too. Every single time.

John and I went to Mardi Gras in Galveston the other day. We were invited by a distributing company that supplies beer to his store. We were part of a private party that was on a balcony on The Strand and it was very la tee da.

I’m not sure how much my readers all know about Mardi Gras. It is a very southern experience, and if you’re not from down here it’s probably not something the typical person would know anything much about.

Being on a balcony we were expected to throw beads. Lots and Lots of beads.


This was inside, and really I didn’t spend too much time here. Mostly I was freezing my ass off outside with John.

It was so packed out there it was almost impossible to take pictures except of the street below. And it was too far away for the flash to work well, so really? Not too many good pictures of the crowd or parade.

See the necklaces with the really big beads on John’s and my neck? Guess what the crowd below is expected to do in order to get one of those thrown to them?

Mardi Gras etiquette. No, really. I’m serious.

The first person to respond in comments with the correct answer, I will do something… fabulous for.

Did I mention, it got a bit nippy out there?

Cooooold John

Heh! When he finally remembered he wore a shirt with a hood, he didn’t bother to pull his bling to the outside of it before cinching it up. He is holding my drink along with his beer in order for me to take the picture.

All he needs is a couple of cute, long, white ears and he’d look just like the little white bunny on Craig Ferguson.

When it finally became too cold for us to adequately distribute beads we moved on inside and were entertained by none other than Elvis.

Fer Real, people.

And not the old, fat Elvis in the white jumpsuit, either. This guy sounded EXACTLY like him, too.

We chatted with friends, had a few drinks, and danced a good deal. Eventually Elvis had a wardrobe change and came back like this:

He was singing all his hits and we were having a ball. While John and I were out there “getting down”, he all of the sudden grinned and pointed over my shoulder. When I turned around, Elvis was…. making advances to me.

I quickly accessed the situation, ran my hands up and down his chest then threw my arms around his neck and he dipped me.

I don’t think he ever stopped singing or got too far away from the microphone. Very talented professional.

But what would you expect from Elvis?

We met a lot of interesting people…

And had a lot of fun.

I wish you could have all been there with us!



In which I wax on about nothing…

I have just been shushed in my living room because Kes and Gilly are attempting to watch Sex In the City. On my TV. I think it would be safe to say they are even breathing my air.
Anyway, I’m not just gonna sit around and take that!
I left and came into HACK to do a posty-poo…. Only to find that I don’t have anything very blogworthy.

Here’s a rundown of the current goings on:

It’s night time and the meatloaf is in the oven, potatoes are about to boil, and get mashed. Thinking about peas with some honey on them, the way Mither likes them.

I am wearing pink and white  stripped with green frogs flannel PJ’s and have only just recently changed out of the nightgown I wore to bed last night.

I am now taking a good hard mental look at my wardrobe, doing a little self-judging and deep speculation about my…. laid-back attitude.

OK- Done. Yes, I am definitely just laid-back. Not the least bit lazy or slatternly.

Remember- the speculation was “deep”.

The current ear worm is Billy Joel Keeping the Faith. While it could be much worse, it has been the same damn thing for DAYS.

I am now passing it on to you.

You’re welcome.

It is supposed to freeze hard tonight. Really cold and all that shit. I am in south Texas people. We don’t know what cold is down here! My poor parents are getting a good thick layer of snow on top of the thick sheet of ice that was dumped yesterday. Heh! North Texas.

Poor Ree, up in Chicago, is buried in snow by this time. I emailed her this evening and she wrote back saying that she was stuck in a meeting on the 35th floor and it was a white out outside. Hope she made it home. Put it this way: Jim Cantore of The Weather Channel fame was on his way to Chicago this morning. You know if he’s coming to your city it’s time to leave.

So when it comes down to me talking about the weather? It’s time to call it a day, admit defeat and close down HACK. I wish John would get home… I’m hungry and want to eat.

Stay warm, people!

OK, now stop singing. You are NOT Marry Poppins. And, strangely enough, a chick with a blog named HalfAsstic doesn’t seem to qualify either.

The following SHOULD NOT BE SUNG. It’s simply prose. (Prosey? Prosie? Prose-ish?) I can tell right now you are over thinking this.

I like:

Bendy straws and

Green lights

Puppy paws and

wee girls in tights.

Badger Cuticle Cream,

Do you know what I mean?

I love cool reading glasses

And single malt scotch.

Short sleeved blouses,

Jeans not too short in the crotch.

Shitless diapers and

Blooming iris

Eating pastry until I’m pieless.

Flealess dogs and

Flaming fireplace logs.

Red wine,

Namely Beaujolais.

Loving my husband,

A roll in the hay-

No worry about conception.

Red geraniums and

Cell phones that get good reception.

Sleeping late,

Nothing much to do,

Dinner dates and

Never thinking it through.

Talking on the phone and

Mindless blather.

Washing my hair with

Good smelling lather.

Having freshly shaved legs and

Cute painted toes.

Not having to blow a snotty kids nose.

Writing my blog and

finding great friends,

I’m just thinking,

the fun never ends!

Hello gang! I hope every little thing is coming up roses in your world today. Here? Well, it’s not exactly, but it’s not an entire bedpan of shit either. So let’s all take that collective sigh of relief I know we all need after opening this blog to see what kind of pee, poo and mayhem bathroom talk Krissa is going to subject us to today.

Henrietta has had her meds uped and, strangely, while making absolutely no difference in her associating my daughter’s boyfriend with Satan, (Yes. He still be the devil…), she is calmer while extolling his evilness. Less tears all around and frequent naps.


There. Now that felt good, didn’t it?


Yesterday I finally received my nook! Got all my crap transferred over just as it’s supposed to and so far so good! It is kept far away from all liquids and I am planning to have a pedestal built for it to sit it’s precious little self on when not in use. Do you think this will make it feel special enough to not nut up on me again?

We shall see.


Keelan recently got a haircut and while it’s cute…

I wish so much she would let it be wavy and full of body like it wants to be, naturally. I would have KILLED for this hair when I was her age!


She insists on straightening it.


We were behind this vehicle the other day and I couldn’t help wondering… Drug dealer? Or, maybe just user? Could be just someone with a distinct laugh.

Free toes, everybody!