Archive for the ‘ Amberen ’ Category


I have been taking Amberen for six weeks now and my hot flashes stopped after two.

However, before I started taking it, the paint right here, on the wall in HACK, was starting to blister due to the incendiary hot flashes I was experiencing. Not to mention the state of my bed on any given night. It was awash in sweat, tangled limbs and tossed off clothing.

Hummm, that sounds kinda hawt.  It was SO NOT.

And while having your wife sleep neck-ed may sound like a great idea to any husband, all the tossing and turning, huffing and puffing and yelling, “YOU’RE TOUCHING ME!”, anytime he rolled over my direction really did get a little old a little fast. I think I can safely speak for John when I say this.

I am a mere 47 years old, peoples. I have been having hot-flashes, at least some, since I was 45. You have no idea how severe these things got.

I was not allowed into crowded theaters.

I could slip into a cool tub of water and steam up my bathroom.

I seriously considered moving into an apartment by myself so I could run around neck-ed all the time.  Except for the guys that deliver takeout, I would have NO visitors. No way was I going to cook. Yeah. Those guys would just have to suck it up and get over it.

I had nightmares about spontaneously combusting only to awaken and find that there was a very real danger of it. If only I weren’t so damp.

The dogs were not allowed to sit on my lap. I was… sticky.

Life sucked and then, after one particularly whiny post about my hot flashes this strange guy, named Adam Hodson (By “strange” I mean unknown, and in no way intend to insinuate that Mr. Hodson is anything more or less than a superhero an upstanding American citizen.), wrote me an email and told me about Amberen. So I went to the website, investigated, googled it and and asked the dogs what they thought. It was unanimous. I got my three months worth and started taking them.

I swear, within two weeks I had stopped having hot flashes. Now my energy level is up there where it was years ago and John would boast that when he rolls over in bed and accidentally brushes against me I don’t shriek in his ear.

Yes. Life is like a dream here at the HalfAsstic House. 🙂

HI! I have a fun contest idea in mind that one of my favorite blogger/friends came up with.  Roger, over at A Screed In Time, was commenting on this post and saying that I need to get everyone to submit stories to explain the dopey picture in the new masthead. It is there TEMPORARILY until my dear brother can get around to realizing I am the most important thing in his life and my wishes are his command and there is nothing else that he needs to do besides fix up my blog and all that happy crap.

So far my telepathic messages aren’t working… With him Or George Clooney.


It is good blog fodder, so if you’re looking for something to post about, you can thank me in the form of a big fat check… That might negate the prize winning thing and all that, but you be the judge of how happy you would make God with your generosity, (not to mention, me). I’m just sayin’…

All you need to do is write a blog post that’s a fanciful story about what has/is/will happen in that regurgitated masthead photo. The more imaginative the better.

Anyway, it goes like this:

Official Rules and Regulations

  • You, the party on the other end of my pooter, must, (in order to enter said contest), produce a story of at least 200ish words to go with the tacky WordPress default masthead that I have been cursed with.
  • You must link back to me. Well, of course you would if anyone was going to see the picture anyway. This will pour all your millions of readers into my sight where one or more of the following is guaranteed to happen. They  will
  1. be stunned and temporarily comatose
  2. be amazed at your brilliance
  3. wonder how you could possibly have such a dirty mind
  4. wish they too could visit middle earth
  5. remember to put the clothes in the dryer
  6. immediately click “unfollow” on their reader and you will never hear from them again.
  • You must proclaim your undying love for me on Twitter and Facebook, links and all, and any other weird places that you can think of. This is not REAL important as I won’t be checking… but just in case you ought to.
  • You need to send me the link to your story in a comment.
  • You need to offer to do a load of my laundry. And I mean wash, dry AND PUT AWAY. IN THE CORRECT PLACES, JOHN! Uh… I mean… yeah, right.

Then in, ooooh, let’s say one week, on the evening of July 15, I will decide who’s story is the most awesome-ist and proclaim a winner!

Now you wanna know, “Winner of WHAT? The afore alluded to gazillion bucks?”

Er, no.

I might have been exaggerating a smidge. Here. I gots a whole buttload of cheap, greasy shit, fabulous CASH AND PRIZES!

Here is what YOU COULD WIN!

Whole bunch O' shit for contest

Here, ya go! We have a lovery Calgon bathing kit thingy in case, ya know… you want it to “take you away”.

In the  back there is a very nice, 7 piece Oggi Wine set that you will want to use to open the bottle of wine that you take into the bath with you.

Next, going left to right… (I guess I should have pointed that out already, but you are so darn smart and sharp as a tack, you figured it out), we have a Burt’s Bee’s Natural Remedy Outdoor Survival Kit. It includes in it the following items:

  • All-In-One Wash
  • Hand Salve
  • Healthy Healing Carrot Nutritive Body Lotion
  • Lifeguard’s Choice Lip Balm
  • Poison Ivy Soap
  • Res-Q Ointment
  • Rosemary Mint Shampoo Bar
  • Therapeutic Bath Crystals

Then next in the middle of the hastily snapped photo is my ironic favorite. Yes, that’s right, 100, (that’s one hundred) Words Every High School Graduate Should Know.

Stop laughing, it’s never been opened and wasn’t purchased for me. Actually I don’t remember where I picked it up or why. Anyway, it’s shrink wrapped and everything. And remember, if you tease me about it too much, you could get points off on your entry… OK, not really.

Now go and write something awesome and imaginative about the scene in the masthead. I can’t wait to see!

(And if you don’t want to play, fine… but I will be taking names.)

Amberen Update #2

Remember when I said that I had received the Amberen? There were some other piddly little things mixed in with that announcement that were mildly important as well. Going to San Antonio. Having a baby… shiz like that. (We actually did go to San Antonio)

Ring a bell now?

Well, actually it’s been one and a half weeks now. I haven’t had any hot flashes AT ALL since the end of the first week.

And I’m not taking any hormones! Just making my own! And I’m not trying to be snobby, but mine ARE better.

That’s right, folks! I am done with hot flashes! I feel great and I hope to lose weight. We will see and I WILL keep you updated on this.

Any questions about this product besides the info here and here from my blog, go to the Amberen website, or just google it and look at all the testimonials. I went pages and pages into it and read, where I knew for sure it wasn’t going to be paid for advertising. This is really remarkable stuff.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got! Get busy on that post! Read the rest of this entry

One of those things isn’t true… I’ll let you attempt to figure it out.

We, as in both of us, went to San Antonio, Texas for a few days and had a freakin’ ball. It was wonnerful.

We arrived at the Drury Plaza Riverwalk on Monday afternoon and immediately walked down to the river where we strolled for a bit and then stopped and had margarita’s at some place or another.

They were… Texas sized.

After swimming around in our respective margaritas we returned to the hotel where we were staying on the 20th floor and took a quick swim in the rooftop pool.  Then back to the room to bathe in an ultra awesome two seater jacuzzi bathtub.

The bed was like magic it was so comfortable and no one rang the bell or knocked on the door. All. Night. Long.

If at all possible I was even more excited about the whole vacation the next morning. We lounged around for a little while and then hightailed it downstairs and out to the San Antonio Zoo.

Gotta admit that was a tad depressing at times. There were so many animals that were either pack or herd or family-living animals that were there all by their lonesomes. It was heartbreaking. The Houston Zoo has more than one of just about everything, especially the ones that live in groups like elephants and giraffes, etc.

Against doctor’s advice we both took our phones. However we only talked to the girls once, I think, and that’s just cause the house was on fire and the little pansy-asses wanted help with all the decisions.

OK. That’s not entirely true. I hung up on them when they called so I don’t really know what the problem was. H was alive when we got back and seemed oblivious to the fact that we’d been gone, so I considered it a success.

Amberen has arrived!

While I was away having the time of my life, (and I let John come, too), the girls were here taking care of Henrietta and accepting delivery of my… deliverance. This stuff is going to transform my life back to some semblance of normal, people, and I am aaaaall a dither just anticipating it.

Kessa texted me that it had arrived while we were on a riverwalk boat ride and for a brief second I wanted to jump ship and run home. Er, swim home.  Whatev.

I started taking it the day after I got home and that would be yesterday. I also called the costumer support line to ask if it was OK for me to take it in the evenings instead of after breakfast as suggested in the literature that came with it.  She said it was perfectly alright but some people found it hard to sleep since they would be getting back some of the energy that they had before menopause and it might keep them awake.

Believe me, I won’t suffer from this. Sleep is one thing I do VERY well. *patting self on back*

Aaaaanyway, what do you think? Would having a baby disrupt my sleep much? 😉

Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Well, you’re just not listening hard enough!

After posting about my incessant, withering hot flashes the other day I received an email from a man.

I KNOW!  That’s what I thought… a MAN? Whatev. His name is Adam Hodson and he brings me tidings of great joy.

Oh, stop it, I’m trying to be euphoric here! Adam is my new pusher said he works for a company that produces a product that I SO need.

Crack? No, turns out that it’s not probable that it would fix me… I looked into it.

Adam said he works for Lunada Biomedical and that they produce a product named Amberen. Here’s what he said:

“I work with a company that produces a product called Amberen, it’s safe, effective, clinically proven and the only product on the market today that uses your own hormones to alleviate menopause symptoms.  Amberen is all natural so there are no dangerous side effects like with HRT and it contains no soy, cohosh, herbs or stimulants like Estroven.”

OK, so I was hooked right there. He went on to tell me that he would score me a free three month supply if I would give it a try and post about the results. Of course, I said, “Yes!”. Or I think I may have actually gotten more gratuitous than that and promised he’s on my Christmas card list, or something. Anyway, it was BIG! (I hardly ever get around to sending out Christmas cards.)

He supplied me with a few links and I looked into the new wee miracle being introduced into my life and am really excited about it. He sent me several links that were helpful, including the clinical trials, and I DID go on beyond them and read more about it in forums. It sounds quite safe and the side effects are remote and minimal.

Hell yes, I sent this *strange man my address!

People, I will be keeping you posted!

*By “strange” I mean unknown to me and in no way intend to imply that Adam is other than an upstanding American citizen or even possibly a circus sideshow performer.