Disclaimer:

For your own sanity, don’t let your husband read this. At no point did I use a level, volt meter, or stud finder. Even though nothing went amiss and the levelicity of the end result is perfect, we all know how this knowledge will effect men.

I also have used some fairly loose terminology. i.e. do-dads, thingy, hicky-do, etc.

You do what you want… I just don’t want any hysterical emails saying your husband blew a gasket because I “eyeballed” something.

Be safe!

Screw it! I’m just going to post this thing on a Sunday, even though I know hardly anyone reads their… reader on Sunday. And since I have been incarcerated on hiatus for so long it’s down to you and that other person at this point anyway.

However, I am too happy with myself to let this opportunity slip by. I must toot my horn and all that happy crap.

There has been a TOILET PAPER SITUATION here for some time now. By this I mean that john is super cheap and only buys the sandpaper kind we haven’t had an actual toilet paper rack in our bathroom in… a long, long time. This was due to several factors but mostly, the old one was shitty, (HAH! SHITTY- toilet paper! Did you see what I did there?) and I was tired of fighting with it and while it looks as though I yanked it out of the wall before the paint job, I actually took it off very calmly.

So there are these huge gaping holes in the wall and wouldn’t you know, all toilet paper holders are about the same size and the holes for all of the damn things are in about the same place. Where the giant holes in my wall are.

I am guessing this could be because all toilet paper is the same size?

Let’s not over think this.

So, after visiting The Goodwill Store and scoring a brand new, in the package, Delta toilet paper holder for THREE DOLLARS, ($3.00!), I devised a plot to thwart the efforts of toilet paper dispenser manufacturers and, ultimately, I believe, rise above the evil t.p. manufacturers as well.

I took my happy ass to a local craft store and purchased a wooden plaque. But not before I traced a template of the t.p. holder so I would know how big a plaque I needed. (It must be said here that the holder came with a template in the packaging, but… something happened to it, so I made my own.)

I then painted said plaque and did TWO COATS. Cause that? is just how much attention I pay to details, people.

I proceeded to screw in the little, stupid toilet paper holder…. holders.

And then drill holes in the middle of the hicky-dos so that the freakin’ molly bolt’s I got that are HUGE and capable of holding firm in, like, a sponge, or something equally squishy, can go through the middle of the t.p. thingy and THEN I screw the little folding do-dads on the ends of the screw thingys and plunge them into my Swiss Cheese wall.

Oh, wait a minute. Even though there are thousands of holes in my wall, none of them appear to be in exactly the right spot. Well I can just drill new ones and the plaque will cover up the old ones.

I do.

Then I stick the folding do-dads through the holes and start screwing in the bolts while applying pressure against the do-dads so that the screws tighten the whole mess up.

After that it’s just getting the rack ends on the hangy things via the tightening of the teeny-tiny hex screw that they have strategically placed where no one can reach it on the bottom of the deals. Right against the wall.

You know why they are called “hex screws” don’t you? It’s not because they are shaped like hexagons. It’s because you realize someone has put a hex on you and you are screwed the moment you attempt to use the teeny-tiny little allen wrench. The plaque, actually, does make this easier than usual because it gets the hex screw further from the wall and makes more room to work.

Now. All done.

Shit.

We’re out of toilet paper.