Win a gazillion bucks & Amberen Update #2

Posted on July 8, 2010 by Krissa

HI! I have a fun contest idea in mind that one of my favorite blogger/friends came up with.  Roger, over at A Screed In Time, was commenting on this post and saying that I need to get everyone to submit stories to explain the dopey picture in the new masthead. It is there TEMPORARILY until my dear brother can get around to realizing I am the most important thing in his life and my wishes are his command and there is nothing else that he needs to do besides fix up my blog and all that happy crap.

So far my telepathic messages aren’t working… With him Or George Clooney.

Whatev.

It is good blog fodder, so if you’re looking for something to post about, you can thank me in the form of a big fat check… That might negate the prize winning thing and all that, but you be the judge of how happy you would make God with your generosity, (not to mention, me). I’m just sayin’…

All you need to do is write a blog post that’s a fanciful story about what has/is/will happen in that regurgitated masthead photo. The more imaginative the better.

Anyway, it goes like this:

Official Rules and Regulations

  • You, the party on the other end of my pooter, must, (in order to enter said contest), produce a story of at least 200ish words to go with the tacky WordPress default masthead that I have been cursed with.
  • You must link back to me. Well, of course you would if anyone was going to see the picture anyway. This will pour all your millions of readers into my sight where one or more of the following is guaranteed to happen. They  will
  1. be stunned and temporarily comatose
  2. be amazed at your brilliance
  3. wonder how you could possibly have such a dirty mind
  4. wish they too could visit middle earth
  5. remember to put the clothes in the dryer
  6. immediately click “unfollow” on their reader and you will never hear from them again.
  • You must proclaim your undying love for me on Twitter and Facebook, links and all, and any other weird places that you can think of. This is not REAL important as I won’t be checking… but just in case you ought to.
  • You need to send me the link to your story in a comment.
  • You need to offer to do a load of my laundry. And I mean wash, dry AND PUT AWAY. IN THE CORRECT PLACES, JOHN! Uh… I mean… yeah, right.

Then in, ooooh, let’s say one week, on the evening of July 15, I will decide who’s story is the most awesome-ist and proclaim a winner!

Now you wanna know, “Winner of WHAT? The afore alluded to gazillion bucks?”

Er, no.

I might have been exaggerating a smidge. Here. I gots a whole buttload of cheap, greasy shit, fabulous CASH AND PRIZES!

Here is what YOU COULD WIN!

Whole bunch O' shit for contest

Here, ya go! We have a lovery Calgon bathing kit thingy in case, ya know… you want it to “take you away”.

In the  back there is a very nice, 7 piece Oggi Wine set that you will want to use to open the bottle of wine that you take into the bath with you.

Next, going left to right… (I guess I should have pointed that out already, but you are so darn smart and sharp as a tack, you figured it out), we have a Burt’s Bee’s Natural Remedy Outdoor Survival Kit. It includes in it the following items:

  • All-In-One Wash
  • Hand Salve
  • Healthy Healing Carrot Nutritive Body Lotion
  • Lifeguard’s Choice Lip Balm
  • Poison Ivy Soap
  • Res-Q Ointment
  • Rosemary Mint Shampoo Bar
  • Therapeutic Bath Crystals

Then next in the middle of the hastily snapped photo is my ironic favorite. Yes, that’s right, 100, (that’s one hundred) Words Every High School Graduate Should Know.

Stop laughing, it’s never been opened and wasn’t purchased for me. Actually I don’t remember where I picked it up or why. Anyway, it’s shrink wrapped and everything. And remember, if you tease me about it too much, you could get points off on your entry… OK, not really.

Now go and write something awesome and imaginative about the scene in the masthead. I can’t wait to see!

(And if you don’t want to play, fine… but I will be taking names.)

Amberen Update #2

Remember when I said that I had received the Amberen? There were some other piddly little things mixed in with that announcement that were mildly important as well. Going to San Antonio. Having a baby… shiz like that. (We actually did go to San Antonio)

Ring a bell now?

Well, actually it’s been one and a half weeks now. I haven’t had any hot flashes AT ALL since the end of the first week.

And I’m not taking any hormones! Just making my own! And I’m not trying to be snobby, but mine ARE better.

That’s right, folks! I am done with hot flashes! I feel great and I hope to lose weight. We will see and I WILL keep you updated on this.

Any questions about this product besides the info here and here from my blog, go to the Amberen website, or just google it and look at all the testimonials. I went pages and pages into it and read, where I knew for sure it wasn’t going to be paid for advertising. This is really remarkable stuff.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got! Get busy on that post! Continue reading →

Posted in Amberen, CONTEST | 13 Comments

Blah, blah, blah…

Posted on July 6, 2010 by Krissa

“Reaching new levels of mediocrity…daily.”

My tagline. And now it’s gone!

And even though I continue to prove that I CAN INDEED, continue to do just what it claims, it’s not the same not having it up there. :-( <insert sad face here.

Color me pitiful. I want my baby brudder to come home from work, (where he is trying frantically to catch up since he missed a bunch of days while lounging around the hospital nursing a spider bite infection), and realize that the most important thing in the world now that his precious body is healed and he’s NOT going to die and all that other high-drama crap, is getting his darling sister’s blog back to normal.

OK, really? I know we’re all thinking the same thing. “Normal” isn’t all that for HalfAsstic. As a matter of fact “normal” could never be considered a HalfAssticism.

Sub-par, that is a good HalfAssticism.

Maybe, “almost adequate”? Or is that pushing it, as well? Whatev. That little guy up in this new masthead just rubs me the wrong way. I can’t even tell if he’s coming or going. What’s his story anyway? Are those sheep in the pasture on the left? Cows? Really short, fat horses? What? Who the hell planted all those trees? Were they really as anal retentive as it appears? Did Martha Stewart have a hand in any of this, cause the whole scene just smacks of Martha Stewart.

Have I ever mentioned how much I detest Martha Stewart? Oh yeah… here. Go directly to bullet number 8.

My nephew, Noah left with Kes and Gil to go back to Nana’s last night. *sigh* I miss him. He is such a delightful child.

Sasha Fierce bit my finger this afternoon when I was attempting to feed her a treat along with the other dogs. Index finger, right hand, deep gash on the ball of it. Lil’ bitch. I am so mad at her. I have repeatedly scolded her about being such a pig when she gets treats. I usually offer the treat in a balled up fist for her to sniff first and I push her nose back with the back of my hand and then slowly open it for her to take the treat. For some reason she calms down because she seems to know she has to and doesn’t rake her teeth over me.

Right. I will remember to do it next time, I can tell you that.

Baby got a clip and is a nudist now. She is walking around the house neck-id as a jaybird. My entire family has made fun of her figure now that we can see she is fat and not just fluffy.

They are so mean.

OK, I think I worked out the need to post… Yeah, I’m apologizing! Heh!



Posted in Blather, Cam, Martha Stewart | 9 Comments

Hi. My name is Krissa and my blog HAD herpes.

Posted on July 6, 2010 by Krissa

Yes, that’s right. I said HAD.  Apparently my brother can fix that…in blogs, at least. I don’t suggest lining up at his door for the… well, genital kind as I have absolutely no recommendations for this from anyone.

Doctor, he is not.

Anyway, the warnings and red signs and whatnot you were seeing should not be there anymore. I restarted and did all the voo-doo and stuff and didn’t get anything.

We be disease free, and I’m proud to claim it! At least I think so…

Anyway, readership has been falling off and I feel like that has been due to the fact that the STD warning pops up when you hit on my site… Maybe I’m wrong, and you are just so damn faithful you risked plague and commented anyway.

But then again maybe you need your will revised and didn’t want to risk it… ;-)

Revisited to add that the change in masthead is supposed to be temporary.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

WTH?

Posted on July 5, 2010 by Krissa

Have you ever had one of those days where you wander around doing all these different things that need doing without any kind of plan in your head, cause really? there is no way to plan that shit, and as you are going from one thing you put up to another thing you do to another thing, you realize you set your coffee cup down somewhere and you begin searching for it.

It is nowhere. You can not find it to save your life. Backtracking all over the house you see where you have been and things you have done countless times. Just no coffee cup.

Finally, you just give up. Throw your hands in the air and admit defeat.

This justifies another trip to the coffee pot and a fresh cup.

Wait a sec… it’s kinda cold. A quick 35 seconds in the microwave will do the trick.

You open the microwave and guess what you see sitting there on the little turntable thingy?

And it’s even cold since it’s been sitting there so long waiting for you to pull your head out of your ass and drink it instead of walking all over the house looking for it like a nitwit.

And has this ever happened to you twice, IN THE SAME DAY?

Really?

Uh… me neither.

Posted in coffee, crazy shit | 6 Comments

The Chico Rooster

Posted on June 30, 2010 by Krissa

Hi, there! I am on hiatus at Mither and Pop’s house.

I have escaped. *cue the evil laughter*

I am thinking about probably going home tomorrow. I am taking Noah, the wonder-child, home with me for five days and he will come back up here to his Nana and Pop’s house with Kessa and Gilbert when they come to visit next Tuesday. We are very excited to have him and this will be his first visit to my house.

Yesterday evening we all loaded up in the family truckster and headed out to Chico, Texas, population 947. We met up with my red-headed aunt, Holly. Or, as Mither and I like to call her, Holly-Log. We then proceeded to a fine 5 star establishment named Chico Mart and had the best hamburgers you have ever not tasted. Cause I’m betting you haven’t. Anyway, they were super good.

While we were dining Holly proceeded to tell me a whopper story about The Chico Rooster and her hand in his demise. Or almost demise.

Now, before I get too into The Rooster story you need to understand a little about my aunt, Holly.

There isn’t too much in her house that doesn’t have a feather or tassel attached to it.

There is never an occasion when she doesn’t have perfectly applied make-up and something, somewhere on her that sparkles. Holly is all that and more. She be the glam queen.

Now that you know Holly, here’s the story she relayed about The Chico Rooster

It seems that no one really knows where this particular rooster came from but he had been out, gadding about Chico for several years. Flitting from one spot to the next and staying one yard ahead of any stray dogs and the city workers trying to capture him.

This was before he met Holly.

Over, about the past year said rooster interrupted her early morning beauty sleep with voiceterous crowing. AND, to add insult to injury, he pooped great messy globs of… rooster poop all over her porch.

Repeatedly.

He then had a sworn enemy.

Again and again,  Holly called The City of Chico and begged them to find and get rid of that public menace of a rooster. OH, how he loved sneaking onto her back porch late at night and roosting/pooping, before awakening her in the wee hours of the morning.

And they tried.  No one could catch that bird.  They tried to catch him everywhere. In town, in back yards, on sidewalks, in streets. He was everywhere.

Yet, he was wiley.

There were some near misses with The Rooster and Holly’s pistol as well, but the damned thing seemed to just know how far away to stay to keep Holly from risking a shot that might ricochet.

OOOOH, HE WAS EEEE-VILE! And cocky! He strutted around the yard like he owned the place! Or down the street! Chico was HIS TOWN, and he was on the take! He had no scruples, no propriety. Not to mention he had waaay more than nine lives.

Then. One day not too long ago. Holly’s neighbor’s schnauzer, Ranger, started a huge ruckus in the backyard. There were feathers flying and caterwauling like you can’t imagine.

And there was the Holly, “Get ‘em, Ranger!”. Cheering the dog on to an easily assumed ultimate victory.

Soon enough, The Rooster was still and Ranger backed off to proudly display his “kill”.

Holly got a box out of the house and picked The Rooster up by the tail feathers.

The Rooster was merely stunned. Back to life he came and valiantly attempted to fight his way out of the box as lil’ Miss Glitz and Glam wrangled him in and slammed the lid shut.

Phone calls were made at this point and directly a city employee showed up at Holly’s door to pick up The Rooster.

All I can say is this:

There really IS such a thing as The Rooster Relocation Program. You probably never heard of it… that’s because it’s top secret.

Dana! Stop lurking! ;-)

Posted in The Rooster | 14 Comments

Bring your own condom.

Posted on June 27, 2010 by Krissa
  • Well, I don’t know if this thing is working right now or not. As you may have noticed… my site got the herpes with my last post… Or something.

I am not having any luck getting it straightened out and my stupid-brother, Cam, is in hospital when I NEED HIM! He’s nursing, what they suspect is, a couple of teeny, tiny black widow spider bites. Battling fever and body aches and a giant sore on his side.
The pansy-ass. He’s just doing this because I need him. He always was self-centered like this…
Here’s the latest picture I got from his iphone.

Doesn’t that look awful? Bless his heart. Really, I’m worried about him and am anxiously awaiting his return home. I am sure Melissa, his wife, is too.

  • Reading that title again…. wondering what kinds of pervs I’m going to get trolling through here…?
  • Actual conversation while we were shopping and looking around at ties for John.

I picked up one that was on clearance at Kohl’s and said, “Hey, this one is only $3.98.”

His immediate response: “How do you know?”

Really? Like I can’t read? Or did he think I was lying to him? The nut.

  • If you want to see a little dog flip completely out, watch while I start taking the toys out of Sasha’s crate. She goes nuts and frantically tries to grab them and haul them back in there as I’m working on it. Let me tell you, it is a battle of wills.
  • I am proud to say I win. Usually.
  • OK this is enough valuable information for now. I don’t want to get you all over stimulated and then tonight when you can’t sleep you’ll blame me.
  • You know you will!
Posted in Bullets, Cam | 8 Comments

I recieved the Amberen, we went to San Antonio and I'm having a baby!

Posted on June 25, 2010 by Krissa

One of those things isn’t true… I’ll let you attempt to figure it out.

We, as in both of us, went to San Antonio, Texas for a few days and had a freakin’ ball. It was wonnerful.

We arrived at the Drury Plaza Riverwalk on Monday afternoon and immediately walked down to the river where we strolled for a bit and then stopped and had margarita’s at some place or another.

They were… Texas sized.

After swimming around in our respective margaritas we returned to the hotel where we were staying on the 20th floor and took a quick swim in the rooftop pool.  Then back to the room to bathe in an ultra awesome two seater jacuzzi bathtub.

The bed was like magic it was so comfortable and no one rang the bell or knocked on the door. All. Night. Long.

If at all possible I was even more excited about the whole vacation the next morning. We lounged around for a little while and then hightailed it downstairs and out to the San Antonio Zoo.

Gotta admit that was a tad depressing at times. There were so many animals that were either pack or herd or family-living animals that were there all by their lonesomes. It was heartbreaking. The Houston Zoo has more than one of just about everything, especially the ones that live in groups like elephants and giraffes, etc.

Against doctor’s advice we both took our phones. However we only talked to the girls once, I think, and that’s just cause the house was on fire and the little pansy-asses wanted help with all the decisions.

OK. That’s not entirely true. I hung up on them when they called so I don’t really know what the problem was. H was alive when we got back and seemed oblivious to the fact that we’d been gone, so I considered it a success.

Amberen has arrived!

While I was away having the time of my life, (and I let John come, too), the girls were here taking care of Henrietta and accepting delivery of my… deliverance. This stuff is going to transform my life back to some semblance of normal, people, and I am aaaaall a dither just anticipating it.

Kessa texted me that it had arrived while we were on a riverwalk boat ride and for a brief second I wanted to jump ship and run home. Er, swim home.  Whatev.

I started taking it the day after I got home and that would be yesterday. I also called the costumer support line to ask if it was OK for me to take it in the evenings instead of after breakfast as suggested in the literature that came with it.  She said it was perfectly alright but some people found it hard to sleep since they would be getting back some of the energy that they had before menopause and it might keep them awake.

Believe me, I won’t suffer from this. Sleep is one thing I do VERY well. *patting self on back*

Aaaaanyway, what do you think? Would having a baby disrupt my sleep much? ;-)

Posted in Amberen, Vacation! | 6 Comments

Go ahead and vote… make John's day.

Posted on June 20, 2010 by Krissa

It’s Father’s Day here at HACK, (HalfAsstic Central Kommand), and John has a post request. Who am I to disobey the king? (For ONE freakin’ day!)

I have a pair of shoes that were given to me by someone near and dear to my heart. They are hand-me-downs that the other lady couldn’t wear because of her bunion.

I took the shoes from her like the nice, appreciative person I am and yet was a little skeptical about the… age appropriateness.

Now before you start picturing something like this:

Or even this:

Try… going the other direction. You know. OLDER.

Now you’re thinking:

OR, maybe like this.

Well, it’s not quite THAT bad. However John thinks so.

I was wearing a pair of black capri’s with a yellow tank and an unbuttoned red eyelet, short-sleeved blouse over it.

Colorful much? Indeed. I don’t usually dress quite that colorfully. I mean, you know, unless it’s Christmas or I want to embarrass the kids something.

Anywho, John tried to DIE when he saw my shoes. Really. Almost literally. He hates them and says they are very old ladyish and NOT cute at all. I have a billiondy pairs of cute, stylish shoes and why am I not wearing ANYTHING else?

We had already left the house and he more than mentioned how much he disliked them several times. He then took me for a spa pedicure and almost moaned when I slid them back on afterward.

He teased me ALL DAY LONG.

While I found his antics comical. I did take his request into consideration and removed them when we got home.

Now, I want your vote. What do you think?

WAY too old ladyish? Or just something that needs to be worn by someone young enough to pull it off? (Clearly, not me.) Heh

And yes, the heels are about 1 1/2 wedges. *sigh*

Clearly not up to Kelley’s standards. Yet, are they that bad?

Posted in John, Poll | 17 Comments

Hark! What's that I hear? Angels singing? Oh, geeze… did I really say, "Hark!"?

Posted on June 16, 2010 by Krissa

Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Well, you’re just not listening hard enough!

After posting about my incessant, withering hot flashes the other day I received an email from a man.

I KNOW!  That’s what I thought… a MAN? Whatev. His name is Adam Hodson and he brings me tidings of great joy.

Oh, stop it, I’m trying to be euphoric here! Adam is my new pusher said he works for a company that produces a product that I SO need.

Crack? No, turns out that it’s not probable that it would fix me… I looked into it.

Adam said he works for Lunada Biomedical and that they produce a product named Amberen. Here’s what he said:

“I work with a company that produces a product called Amberen, it’s safe, effective, clinically proven and the only product on the market today that uses your own hormones to alleviate menopause symptoms.  Amberen is all natural so there are no dangerous side effects like with HRT and it contains no soy, cohosh, herbs or stimulants like Estroven.”

OK, so I was hooked right there. He went on to tell me that he would score me a free three month supply if I would give it a try and post about the results. Of course, I said, “Yes!”. Or I think I may have actually gotten more gratuitous than that and promised he’s on my Christmas card list, or something. Anyway, it was BIG! (I hardly ever get around to sending out Christmas cards.)

He supplied me with a few links and I looked into the new wee miracle being introduced into my life and am really excited about it. He sent me several links that were helpful, including the clinical trials, and I DID go on beyond them and read more about it in forums. It sounds quite safe and the side effects are remote and minimal.

Hell yes, I sent this *strange man my address!

People, I will be keeping you posted!

*By “strange” I mean unknown to me and in no way intend to imply that Adam is other than an upstanding American citizen or even possibly a circus sideshow performer.
Posted in Amberen | 11 Comments

Sasha Fierce

Posted on June 15, 2010 by Krissa


Hi. I know I’ve been a deadbeat blogger lately. I have been overwhelmed by all kinds of things that you can’t even begin to understand.

Why?

You mean, why wouldn’t you understand?

Oh.

Because I haven’t told you all about it yet, that’s why.

So I know I mentioned that Henrietta is on hospice and not doing so well. Well, she’s getting worse at a fairly steady rate here lately. She no longer gets out of bed and all the dictates coming from her, (because that’s what comes from her), are being issued from her bedroom. There’s was quite a lot of bell ringing and to-ing and fro-ing going on for a while, but now she is sleeping most of the time and even by doing this she is stealing my good excuse for my not blogging.

She can just be SO unreasonable.

I have been to see the witch doctor and she threw pills at me almost as soon as I started talking to her. So screaming, crying, rending of garments and pulling hair out is off-putting to some, apparently. Who knew. Actually we came to the same conclusion about everything I talked to her about and I just love it when I can go to the doc feeling like I know exactly what I need and then come home with just that.

OR, not having any idea what I need and feeling fairly sure that what I got will do the trick.

Whatev.

So, as per normal procedure, things have been busy around here. We have a new member of the family house-guest.

Meet Sasha Fierce:

And no. That’s not Baby. Here is Baby:

Smiling and ready for the camera. Notice how Baby needs a clip, yet not nearly as badly as Sasha. Sasha does NOT like to have her face touched and bites.

Hard.

Or at least she used to. Other than that she is the sweetest puppy you can imagine.

Here’s the deal. We rescued her from a friend of a friend’s backyard where she was being kept in a tiny pen in the corner and never let out. She was covered from head to toe, LITERALLY, with mats so dense and tight to her skin that I thought we’d never get them off. It was like surgery to remove them. And she was really very good and still and seemed to know that we were trying to help her. She is a mutt hybrid model that is mostly poodle and has a docked tail.

When I say, “we”, I am talking about Lisa and I. Kessa alerted us to Sasha’s existence and stole transported her home. Then, while she was at work, Lisa and I began to de-mat her. At some point we had exposed enough skin that we began to think that maybe a bath was in order so she would feel even better and not smell so darn bad. She was tolerating it very well when Lisa tried to clip the nasty mess that was on her face and sticking up in front of her eyes. It was all black and stiff from tear-duct seepage and was where most of the smell was coming from.

She did NOT like it and bit Lisa.

Hard.

Broke the skin and everything. Her teeth landed on her finger, on top of and under her fingernail. Hurt like a sumbitch.

We decided to leave her face alone for the time being.

So here she is living in my house for the past three weeks and getting all kinds of attention and loving while I am attempting to crate train her. She is a firm believer in peeing outside and getting accolades and treats for it, then coming in the doggy door and pooping in the house.

We still have a ways to go.

She still won’t let me clip her face, either. However she will NOT bite anymore and I can touch it all I want. Just not with scissors or clippers.

She is sweet, energetic, wormed, about a year old and now answers to her name.

Sasha Fierce.

Anybody want her?

Posted in Pets, Uncategorized | 9 Comments