HalfAsstic.com

Last night I informed john that we would need to make something exciting happen tomorrow in order for me to have some sort of reasonable blog fodder.  He immediately responded, “Have sex?”.  I then told him,  1) I don’t usually write about our sex life on my blog and 2) My mother reads this.  His swift, cocky comeback was reduced to, “Ooooh…”.

Today has been a bust.  The caregiver provider was supposed to show up at 1:00 and let John and I run out and madly dash about doing things together willy-nilly until we had exhausted our three hours and had to return to take care of H.  She never showed up.  Now remember, this is the “new” provider that is, not the same one that had trouble showing up a while back.  So I called the number we had for her cell phone and, surprise, surprise, no answer.  I next tried calling the company that was sending her out here.  The lady told me that she had called her and told her that she didn’t feel well and that she had called us and left a message for us telling us that she wasn’t showing up.  Left a message?  Why on earth would she lie and say that?  That makes it sound as if I WAS ABLE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND NOT ANSWER THE DAMNED PHONE.  Ahem…  Anyway, there was no message on the answering machine and we had been here all day.  Waiting.  I was not a happy camper.  I told the lady so and she said that maybe I should call the… “provider’s” home number and she gave it to me and, of course, no one answered.  I called the company back and told her I want someone else and it’s not that she was feeling poorly, it’s that she’s a terrible liar and that really chaps me arse.  So tomorrow afternoon some new chick named Maria is supposed to show up and we will see.  John works a half day tomorrow and so we should get to do something.  I have an exciting list, too.  Let’s see… post office, Lowe’s, grocery….oh gawd…

The exciting thing that happened today is that my wonderful husband has figured out how to get the pics in the memory of my camera onto the memory card and onto the pooter.  Actually, I got them onto the pooter, but he did the rest.  He may get some booty tonight…

On Sunday, August 21st, the same day Henrietta came home from the hospital, Kes came running in to get John and I early in the morning.  I mean DAYBREAK.  She had gone out to the garage to investigate what on earth our little dog, Kissy, had been barking at.  It was a stray cat.  Don’t know why the cat decided it wanted in our garage.  There is no food in there or anything like that.  While she was looking at it something flew across the garage and landed, spooking her no end.  It was this little bitty owl.

Now I have quite a history with owls and I will update you on all that in my next post, given something earth shattering doesn’t happen in my life to supersede it, i.e. H has a blowout that completly dissolves a diaper or the provider care person shows up and John and I have sex for three hours in some seedy motel.  Don’t hold your breath, cause H is finished with her antibiotics and is no longer suffering with diarrhea.

I just read this to John and his first response was, “Are you sure your mom can read all that?”  I said, “She knows how to read…anything. “  He looked a bit desperate and responded, “YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

Is it a baby or just a small breed?  I dunno.  But now that I have the pics on the pooter I will try to look it up.  Tomorrow.  John wants my attention now and I have to go…..

Greetings all!  You may, (or, may not), have noticed that I have a new site in the old blog roll.  A Piece of My Mind is a site inhabited by Maria, an uber cool environmental conservationist  I “met” on Plurk a while back.  It really is inspiring to read about her own exploits in the area of trying new things and new ideas about all areas of conservation.

Have any of you ladies ever heard of a Diva Cup?  Maria discusses the use of one and the benefits of it.  Well, that little gizmo may just be the best thing since sliced bread.  Here is her first post on the “non-absorbent menstrual cup”.  The Diva Cup is also environmentally friendly because it is reusable and not disposable.  Read about it and tell me what you think.  If I had any need for it whatsoever I would have one ordered right now.  I had a thermal ablation several years ago and am done with periods.  (Yet, I still have ovaries, uterus, tubes, all my bits and pieces, and there was NO cutting.  Quite possibly the best thing ever for people who don’t want any more children and have a healthy reproductive package. It was an outpatient procedure with minimal recovery time.)   I am going to show the info on the Diva Cup to Kes and Keelan and see if either one will consider it.  They are both on Depo Provera shots due to their intense dislike of periods, but neither one wants to continue since the injection of hormones into their little bodies causes weight gain and huger than normal boobs.  I am thinking this new cup method may be the way to go.

Now, watch out for whiplash while I attempt to segue into another conservation area.  Just a very slight change in subject…

My hot water heater is at one end of my house and my dishwasher at the other.  (Still with me?)  I use it only when it is full and don’t use the “pot scrubber” cycle, just the “regular” one or the “light”.  The dishwasher repair guy said to cut down on the electric bill make sure the hot water is flowing in the kitchen sink before turning on the dishwasher so it doesn’t have to use so much electricity to heat the water to the proper temp before filling.  HOWEVER, I have to run water through my tap for a good couple of minutes to get the hot water to that end of the house.  My environmental question is this: In this case is it better to save electricity or water?

I gotta go over to Maria’s site and alert her to my concerns and see what she thinks…

Hello, people.  Greetings to all!  I have had company today and they FINALLY left, not a moment too soon!  My SIL came and brought her son, his…girlfriend and their two children to see Henrietta.  Every time she brings these people they break something big.  The last time they were here the…girlfriend-in-law climbed up on the trampoline with her little boy when she was EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT, and the rusted out frame gave way and it is a thousand wonders little miss dumb ass didn’t give birth right there.  I was inside and didn’t witness the dumb ass wonders taking place in the backyard, otherwise she would have never gotten up there.  You just kinda of assume that not only is she old enough to watch her own children she can make responsible decisions for herself.  Or, at least I did.  Never again, though.

This time the 3 year old hellion that was on the trampoline with his mom last time was running all over the house and being an Unholy Terror.  He went outside with his dad to get something out of the car and ran back to the door ahead of his dad and struck the leaded glass panel with his hands and broke a good sized hole out of the bottom of it.

PLUS, I found out some things about their finances while they were here that really chapped me arse.  I know, I know, what business is it of mine?  Plenty, it turns out.  SIL is forever going on about how poor ____ and _______ are so broke and need money so bad and they need groceries and can we spare some money to help them out?  So I usually fork over a check for $35.00 or $40.00.  Well, SIL said something about how you can get online on her son’s TV set.  I looked at him and said, “Oh?  How do you do that?  Special kind of TV?”  No, it’s with his PlayStation 3.  “Oh, I didn’t know PlayStation 3’s could get online…”  No, not all of them, just a special kind.  “Oh, wow.  How much are they?”  Five hundred dollars.

The little shit can afford to buy the most expensive games out there, yet, apparently, has some difficultly providing for his ever increasing family.  No longer my worry.  The well has dried completely up.  Next time SIL tells me they are near death and starvation, I will tell her to suggest to them hocking the PS3.

Mark My Words inter-tubes, no more free rides for these jokers and I may even cut off my family…er, no, before I could finish this sentence Keelan called and wants to borrow $10.00 to go to the movie.  But, ya know what?  She’ll pay me back,  Without me having to ask for it!

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In…more upbeat news, I have a new blog award!  My brother, Cam, bestowed it on me and while the cute little hiney on the award doesn’t look anything like H’s little shriveled up butt, I appreciate it, none the less.  Actually, I appreciate the fact that it doesn’t look like her at all.  He pinched the pic from this post of Big Hair Envy’s.

In appreciation of this cute little hiney, and because of the many diapers changed while dealing with all other manner of shit, I would like for Angie to have the first Loaded Diaper Award.  Congratulations, Angie!

Hello intertubes!  I am back with a quick update!

Nothing too spectacular has happened since the last time I announced the goings on here at the Nut House.  How bouts a quickie update?  Too bad, here it is:

• John was off yesterday and we ran amuck.  The caregiver provider stayed here with H and we were muckyrunning aaaaall over the place.  For gasoline to be so freakin’ expensive, we were WILD!  heh heh.  We made it to Macy’s to see if there were any good deals to be had and sure enough, John’s ultra sensitive nose for economical spending steered us to a few new ties for him.  His butt cheeks made a squeaking noise as we walked over to where the tie sale rack sits.  He is always needing new neck-wear, as he isn’t that easy on his ties.  We got three $45.00 Donald Trump ties for just $5.63 a piece.  He wore one of them today, but here are the other two.

They look a little pink here.  Actually they are dark red.

Here is the proof!  With tax, $18.28 for three Donald Trump ties.

The trick at Macy’s is to find the stuff that’s on sale and take it over to the price checker thing and start scanning anything that you are remotely interested in because they are really good/bad about either mispricing or just not putting correct signage out for the sale products.  And the prices are SO good that I think they are probably just making mistakes when they are pricing, but it works out great for us almost every time we go.  My sweet little miser husband pulled out his dusty, cobweb covered wallet and paid $18.28 for all three.  Good deal!

• Hurricane Dolly made landfall sometime yesterday evening, I think, and we finally started getting some much needed rain from it.  It is still raining off and on.  Woo-Hoo!

• My brother in Italy isn’t.  In Italy, that is.  He arrived last night at my parents house in Decatur, Tx and I am hoping we will be able to meet up with all of them on Wednesday for a visit.

• Henrietta is still catheter-free and letting her hoo-hoo rest.   I asked her how it was getting on and she pulled a super serious face and replied, “Oh, it’s doing very well, thank you!”, and then burst out laughing.  Last nigh she asked me if I would close the blinds for her in her room and I said sure and was doing so and she said, “Now make sure they’re closed up tight…”.  and I said I thought they were and no one could see in that little slit, and she replied, ” I might be able to get out through there, tho…”.   I said, “You?” To which she looked sly and said, “Krissa, I don’t have any bag to hold me back, now!  You don’t know what I might do!”

• Be on the lookout for a catheter free little old lady in a nightgown.

• I just totally told off a lady who called here from Dell Computers asking me if the problem we were having last Sunday was resolved.  I told her no, we still haven’t been able to get it to recognize the disc drive.  She said something like, “Oh.”, and immediately changed the subject a bit by asking me how it was doing otherwise.  I told her, “Actually it’s running slow.  My husband and I were discussing it last night and he and I have both tried all the little tricks that used to make a difference in the past with no luck.”  (Keep in mind that it’s a year old next month.  In other words, THE WARRANTY IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE AND NO MORE “FREE” TECH SUPPORT)  She came back with, “Well, I see here you bought it with only 2GB of memory and that really isn’t enough to support Vista.”

This is where I got ticked off.

“No.  It supports Vista just fine and has for almost a year now.  It only started running slow just lately.”

She proceeded to tell me that if I ever wanted to get it to run well again I needed to purchase some RAM from her.  Now.  On the phone.  Or forever be delegated to computer hell.

“No one told me it was insufficient to support Vista when I bought it.”  She comes back with a snappy, “Oh, uh, well?”

I told her no thank you we’re not sinking any more money into it because we’re getting an Apple.

That got her off the line.  She was originally calling to sell me another warranty.

• I am taking this opportunity to apologize for the lack of substance in this post.  THAT is the state of my life, lately.  Substance free…and applesauce free.

OK, I guess you can’t really call this a “post” so much as a “bring to your attention statement”.  But, see, that would have made a lousy name up there in the title place.

Here’s the dealy-o.  Hy brother, Cam, has whipped up a button for me and included a handy dandy batch of code to go with it.  I am humbly begging, imploring, AND beseeching inviting anyone who feels stirred to do so to include it in their sidebar.  Hey, I’d do it for you!

I have to admit something now and I’m almost not ashamed to do it.  I know there is probably a 12 step program somewhere out there to help me, but I’m just not to that point yet.  You know, how you have to sink to the bottom to get to where you are ready to be helped?  Well I am admitting I am a bit of a comment whore, but I just want comments now.  No intervention.  Yet.

So if you read and have never commented, help support my habit, needs and leave a comment.  Oh, and try to be nice.  But if you can’t I’ll try to understand.  I feel much better now, having shared.

The two girls and boyfriend left at 7:00 AM and made it here at 2:00 PM.  They report not running into any traffic at all and only taking one wrong turn, (of which I am very proud of them because they navigated a different way to get to the freeway with the map instead of turning around and looking for the missed road).  Plus, they are all terribly excited to have discovered that “up yonder”, (I have raised nothing if not a bunch of little hicks), they have convenience stores with Monster Slurpeeies.  I don’t mean  just large Slurpeeies, I mean nasty Slurpeeies made with Monster Energy drinks.  Black ones.  Eww.  But nothing delights my brand of little weirdo’s like a high energy, insane sugar, black, vomit-tasting, Icee.

They report having tons of fun and were really not happy to have to come home so soon.  They all go back to work tomorrow.

The boyfriend and Kes went out to Pop’s gun range on the back 40 and shot, well, I am guessing a number of different guns, rifles, slingshots, bow and arrows, anti-aircraft artillery…you get the idea.  Pop reports that he wants to be careful and never get them mad at him because they are both really good shots.  Keelan didn’t want to go do that, we don’t know why.  I guess she was busy getting into mischief somewhere else.

They lit up the sky with fireworks, (no burn ban outside the city limits this year, Woo-Hoo!), and went to my auntie-poo’s house in Burleson where they have been busy installing a GIGANTIC pool.  I keep getting these partial pictures of it and I am having a hard time picturing the entire thing so I asked if somebody couldn’t take a shot from the upstairs balcony.  No, I had already been sent these shots and they are going to have to get some aerial shots to get the whole shebang in a photograph.  It is impossible for me to imagine it, I guess.  I can remember the area it has  been built in quite well.  It has a beach entrance on one end and a built in hot tub, waterfall along with grotto behind it, a vanishing edge and a milliondy-gillion gallons of water.  That link of the vanishing edge is NOT their pool.  I just wanted a good example of one.  I want some good pictures!  My uncle is a pool builder by trade and his son, (my cousin), is in the business with him.  They do all kinds of pools and have many, many years of experience.  The name of their company is Sun-Ray Pools.  There.  A plug I wasn’t really even planning on doing!  But this should help explain how they came about getting a pool with every single bell and whistle known to man.  Anyway, they know what they’re doing.

While I’m plugging my family, my auntie-poo raises and breeds Maine Coon Cats.  They are the largest breed of domestic cat there is and really very beautiful.  Her establishment is called Amerrykoon Maine Coon Cattery.  Interested in a huge cat?  She, literally, ships all over the world.

John and I went to the movie yesterday!  How many years has it been since I went to a movie?  I have no idea.  We saw the new Indiana Jones one and while it was a bit hokey, my gawd, of course it was, it was Indiana Jones!  It was good.  A ton of action and one long, continuous chase scene.  Bad guys and good guys clearly defined by their Nazi uniforms and Russian accent/fedora and American accent.  Harrison Ford is still HAWT!  I guess he will be till he dies.  Anyway, I have to say that the movie experience would not have happened if my SIL hadn’t offered to stay here while we went.  So I am grateful for that.  However, I lost enthusiasm for my appreciation when SIL left the room and H told me to give her $20.00 of her money.  I said, “Why?” and she said, “Well….because she came and took care of me….”  I said, “Henrietta, she is your daughter.  You’re not supposed to have to pay her to come and take care of you.”  I came very close to yelling, I DON’T GET PAID, I’M NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, AND I TAKE CARE OF YOU 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE TWO HOURS SIL COMES AND STAYS WITH YOU LAST THING ON SUNDAY NIGHTS, usually.  This week she really came through.  Anyway, she just can’t stand it.  She gets so few visitors that if anyone, even her daughter shows up she impulsively pushes cash and gifts on them before they go.  So I wrote her a check.

Oh, I forgot!  The best part!  The sound was screwed up during all of the previews and once or twice during the movie and someone had to keep going and getting someone to go to the projection room and fix it somehow.  So when the whole thing was over there was a guy handing everyone a free coupon for another movie.  So I have another date, people!  Wonder who I’ll take….tee hee hee

Finally.  Kessa, boyfriend, and Keelan have just departed to go to my mither and Pop’s house for the long weekend.  They left here about 10:00pm and are going to drive about 7 hours north to the Ft. Worth area.  Decatur, Texas, to be exact.  It’s a small town an hour north of Ft. Worth.  I told them that it would be a much smoother trip and less traffic if they would go late at night because with the holiday weekend, they could be in traffic for hours if they left as soon as boyfriend is off work…

None of them have done a road trip without some responsible adult driving them before.  Rightfully, they quake in fear.  I got a Texas map and highlighted the entire route and then sat down with a little yellow pad and wrote down turn by turn how to get there, what roads to watch for, informative bullshit that they will raise an eyebrow to and call me names to one another when they get to it, cause they are all full of themselves making it all the way to….oh, I dunno, Dew, Texas without adult supervision.  I told them to behave themselves going through Huntsville.  State prisons, lots of prisons.  Anna Nicole Smith lived in Mexia,(pronounced Ma-hay-ah), Texas and worked at the fried chicken place on the right side of the road.  Kes kept finding reasons to call it Mex-e-ah like the 18 year old she is, just to annoy me.  THAT’S OK, SHE’S GONE AND NANA AND POP’S PROBLEM NOW!  BAHAHAHAHAH! (maniacal laughter fading out….)

I am sure they will have a great time and they are super excited about going.  The only thing that would have made the whole thing soooo much better is if I could have gone.  SIL could have totally come and stayed with H over the holiday weekend and I really wanted to, but, I cannot picture me in the backseat of a Mustang with my knees tucked up under my chin for 6 1/2 to 7 hours.  Kes and boyfriend are driving and boyfriend is 6′2″ and certainly can’t get into the backseat.  Keelan who would be back there with me is taller than me and, her legs are even longer than mine.  Loooooong.  So, no.  I can’t do that.  I thought about us taking our Trailblazer.  It even has three rows of seats for any hitch-hikers with knives we might see to pick up.  Seemed the perfect choice, but, we need new tires and can NOT afford to outfit it with such at this point.  So no road trip for the Trailblazer.

So now it’s just John, H and me.  H is in bed and John is working late.  Guess who’s gonna be running around the house naked when he gets home?  Er, no, not H.

1. When it’s raining like this I love to clean house.  Well, maybe “love” is a strong word to use, but I like to,  Wonder why?

2. I wonder who has been reading my blog for so long that lives on or near Long Island NY.  They have been reading almost everyday since day one, and I don’t think they have ever commented.  I wanna know you people!  Er, HI!  Leave a comment for goodness sake!  Introduce yourself.  I can be very nice and not too terribly scary at all.  Well, when I’m really trying, anyway.  I swear I won’t stalk you!  Not any more than I already have….  M’k?

3. I wonder how many calories I eat every day in nothing but CARBS.  I loves me some pasta and rice!  Oh Oh! and bread and pretzels and popcorn!  I need an intervention.

4. I wonder what ever happened to our Maine Coon cat.  He just decided to stay down the road at someone else’s house a couple of months ago and he would show up here and eat occasionally but not often, because she was feeding him too.  We would see him laying about in people’s driveways and yards also.  But for the last few weeks he hasn’t been spotted.  Is somebody feeding him better food than us?   He always was fickle.

5.Our cell phone contract is up this month, (Hallelujah!), so long Cingular/ATT!  I think we are going with Verizon…wonder what phone to get?

6.The (now, mama) possum visiting our cat food is going to be caught tomorrow night as I have located a live trap and we will swing by and pick it up tomorrow on John’s day off.

7.  Amazing how greened up everything got when it finally rained.  It looks like spring outside instead of summer.

8.WHY is it like pulling teeth to get out of here.  I want to leave NOW.  We actually can leave NOW and yet John is in there cleaning up the kitchen or piddling on the computer in the bedroom or something and it’s always “just a minute…”.  I swear if he wasn’t so damn cute…!

9. No Possum Trapping Tonight!  John had the good sense to call the animal shelter place in Texas City and ask if they had any live traps available, (they are out right now), before we went all the way over there and came away empty handed.  DAMN.  I was all excited about going trappin’ and I’ve been practicing my east Texas/redneck accent all day! GONNA CATCH ME SOME POSSUM, AND COOK ET AN FIX ME SOME VITTLES, YA’LL.

Poor older daughter has now contracted the evil virus that has marauded through this family. The elderly, delicate immune system of H didn’t contract this plague. Kes did. Go figure. After John and I did. I have to take the credit here for starting the entire epidemic.

The poor child is very susceptible to sinus infections and is trying hard to hold one off. I like to think she inherited only good things from me. I lie to myself about this a lot.

Yesterday when I went with her to Walmart, I picked up a thing I’d been toying with trying for a while. It’s called a neti pot. I had seen Dr. Oz do a demonstration with an unsuspecting audience member on Oprah. It looked very easy and he said it’s been around for hundreds of years. Also, the lady that tried it suffered with sinusitis and she really liked it. So I mixed it up and walked slowly cause I am so freakin old ran upstairs to try it out for the first time to show Kes how to do it and have her try it. It worked just like it was supposed to and so she did it and finally got some flow going through. A LOT of impacted snot came out and she felt much better. She could even breathe through her nose. Click on the link and watch the video and you will see why I went up there knowing I would need to demonstrate it’s use before I would ever be able to convince her to try to use it. It seems like it would hurt immensely to me, just because it hurts so much when you get water up your nose. But, it really doesn’t and it feels sooooo much better when you are congested. Or have allergies!

I am convinced all of you people on the intertubes should get one and use it the next time you feel snotty. Snotty, not snobby. Well, I guess you could use it if you feel snobby…but why?

John called from work and said the dickhead in charge there wants a current copy of his resume, could I please email it on over. Uhh, YES. Am I wrong or is it only a good thing if he wants to see this?

WordPress doesn’t acknowledge the word “dickhead”. Or there is another spelling I am unaware of. Apparently WP has never met this guy.

Mo’ later.

I finally put up the new tie rack that my pop made and Mither and Auntie-Poo brought with them when they came to visit last week. No more ties on the floor! I can’t wait until John gets home and sees! Now he owes me-big time!

Behold! The Wall O’ Ties.