HalfAsstic.com

Little bratty baby brother, Cam has hooked up with Scribble on Everything to reproduce his phenomenally popular Periodic Table of Typefaces into a wall decal.   Click on the pic of it at the Scribble website to see the different colors it comes in.  I myself like the “chocolate brown”.  Cam is going to be getting a little piece of the profits from the sale of them.  Go!  Buy!  My nephew needs college fund money!

There are going to be other things in the works here soon also if the wall decals aren’t your style  Among them posters and some nifty leather book jackets with the table printed across the entire thing.

I was sitting in the office, (a.k.a. riffraff room), when I overheard Henrietta talking to Tanya as she rolled her into the living room and, apparently, Ellen was on tv.

“You know, it’s such a shame she decided to become a lesbian… she was such a good actress.”

For a split second you could hear a pin drop as both Tanya and I digested this and then we just fell out and must have laughed and snickered for a good two minutes.

When I was on Twitter the other day I ran across a website I really like that Timebandit put up.  He says he can’t take the credit for finding it since a friend of his in Seattle sent it to him.  However he gets credit for it from me since I don’t know his friend in Seattle.  Check it out!

Witchypoo over at Psychicgeek linked me up with Schmutzie, who was so inspiring I made a few vows to myself.  Go read her post and watch the video on her site.

I’m thinking maybe I can stop trying so hard to write only light heartedly and get a little more gritty from time to time.  At least I’m trying to convince myself that no one would run away screaming if I did more than just occasionally bitch and get pissy about things when they go wrong.  I tend to rely too much on finding the humor in whatever situation I am plunged in.  Cause, really?  That’s not always possible.  And then?  I’m left with nothing to write about.

So now I guess you’re expecting me to be grateful for the fact that I live with two teenage girls and change the shitty diapers of a little old lady daily…  Heh!  Yeah.  Blog fodder!

The other night we went to Pizza Hut for, you guessed it, PIZZA.  So I am sitting in the car because I looked like hell and was in a white tee shirt with no bra and shoeless.  The homeless look is alive and well at chez Lopez.  Anyway, John went in to get the pizza after a quick glance at me determined there was no way I was going to do it, and I noticed this poster in the window.  Click it and notice it says that they have “Restaurant Quality Pasta”.

As opposed to…what?  I mean I know Pizza Hut is not a 5 star establishment, but it’s not a hot dog cart either.

Just wondering…?

Next, we have a close up of John’s shirt with the little guy on the horse attempting to whack the invisible ball with a mallet.  Only John managed to get a little something Chinese food wise on it at lunch and the horse in his particular version has, obviously, left a pile of poo behind.

What can I say… this amused me.

Remember this?  Lisa’s kitchen and living room, ages ago when the remodel began?  Well, here we have some update photos.  Everything is just about done completely.  She doesn’t have her art and pictures up on the walls yet in these shots, but I’m thinking maybe tomorrow or the next day I’ll get over there and we’ll do it.  She also has some wooden shutters ordered to go up on the windows.

There is a beautiful oil painting that we found at a frame shop the other day to go over her fireplace.  It will look totally different.

There’s not much else to say.  John is off work again tomorrow.  AGAIN.  TWO TIMES THIS WEEK.  Those people at his work who can’t seem to do without him may start to think he is having an affair… with his wife.

Oh well.

It’s 4:45 AM and I can’t go back to sleep.  John left for work earlier than usual today since he’s got a doctor’s appointment at 9:00.

John.  Who would let a limb rot off his body before he would voluntarily go to the doctor has decided to go in and “check this thing out”.

John is a large man.  He stands a bit over six feet tall and is quite broad shouldered and big statured.  He was over weight at 250 lbs.  But in the past, oh, 3 1/2 months he’s lost about 60 lbs.

We don’t know why.

He hasn’t been “dieting” at all.  We eat healthy for the most part here at chez Lopez, but he has always just packed away the food.  Let’s call it a “healthy” appetite, though I suppose that’s not entirely accurate.  Anyway, best case scenario, he has miraculously had the metabolism of a teenager restored to him and everyone I know will hate him for it (and I will be a tad bitter myself).

Actually what I’m thinking has happened is he has developed a case of diabetes.  He is urinating a bit more frequently and that, along with the weight loss makes me think that may be the case.  Compared to all the other possible scenarios I can think of, this is something we can live with. He can get outfitted with whatever he needs today and I have no problems with jabbing him with a needle.

This is one of those times when I would dearly love to have some idea about his ancestors.  Heredity would be so nice to know about, but he was adopted as a baby and we don’t really have any clue about his people.  I don’t even think he’s Hispanic, at least not all.  The girls keep telling him he’s an alien. Good guess.

Anyway, I’m not going to be able to sleep until he calls me and tells me that the doc has done a blood test and he’s just diabetic.  At least that’s what I’m hoping happens.

Ok the latest debate/gossip around the coffee pot with the girlfriends and I is a touchy little question that has come up in one of our lives.  I will not say who.  Persecute Protect the innocent. Yeah.  That’s what I’m all about. heh

Please chime in and leave your honest opinion, even if you have never commented before, PLEASE leave one this time.  (I am trying to make you feel as if you owe me this.  Is it working?)  This whole debate really needs settling before any of us will just BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE DAMN SUBJECT ALREADY!  Oops… was I shouting?  I don’t want to scare you away, dear.  Now just sit back down and relax.  There, comfy?  Good, now turn the phone off and pay close attention.

Here is question # 1 for expert consideration:

When a person of one sex text’s another person of the other sex every night and says, “I’m going to bed now.  Good night.  Sweet dreams.”, is that considered “pillow talk” or just being friendly?

Question # 2 is this:

When the person receiving the texts is a happily married individual, and of course the person doing the texting is not the spouse, is it inappropriate?

OK, ready?  GO!

I just heard the news and again they were discussing the astronaut that let her tool bag float away while working on the space station.  It is reported to have cost a hundred thousand dollars.  This has me thinking of so many questions my leetle head hurts.

Number one, When you are going to send a bag of tools up with a bunch of super geeks to work on things in zero gravity, wouldn’t you consider that maybe it would be good to have something on the bag of tools to tie it off with.  I mean it just seems like it would make working on the space station go much smoother to be able to use both hands instead of one holding the bag and one the tool.  I think NASA needs to hire me to speak for the moral practical majority.  I have tons of good advise for them.

As for the cost of that bag of tools, I’m thinking… Makita?  Snap On?  I mean I cannot conceive of any brand of tools that costs as much as they spent OR couldn’t do what needs to be done in outer space.

So where DO they shop for tools?  Or was it the bag?  If it was the actual bag that costs that much I’m guessing it’s from a high dollar store on 5th Avenue and a knock-off can be found on Harwin here in Houston for a teeny, tiny fraction of the cost.

When NASA hires me that is going to be the first thing I reccomend.

If this much incompetence isn’t enough, when the news guy was finishing up the story he pointed out that the Space Station had been a temporary home for 10 years to people from 15 different continents.

I’ve done what I can and now give up.

I swear, I KNEW there was something missing from the half ass post, (HA! HALF ASS!), I threw up last night. I will post again today later, as I think this is a bit of a cop out. (As if the trite, drivel I’ve been throwing up hasn’t been… Whatever!)
Actually, I couldn’t remember how to “embed” and all that techno crap. (Figured it out. Easy-peasy.)
For your viewing pleasure. Plus I am hoping that I can pass this along and get the song out of my head… even if it has to go into yours! Yeah. Sorry ’bout that. (No I’m not.)

Today’s the day I get my glasses!  John is off work, so I have a way to get there and we just have to wait until one of the girls is here to stay with Henrietta.  It’s going to be wonderful to have a pair to wear all the time, because I can’t tell you how tired I am of not having the readers where I am trying to read at the moment, they’re always in another room.  Or maybe it’s me that’s always in the other room, after all I am the one that’s given to roaming around the house, not them.

OK, it’s now 10:55 PM and I am home with the new glasses on.  They aren’t that confusing, but I am not sure they were…”done” right.  When something is right straight in front of me it is very clear, but when I have to look slightly off to one side, either way, it is blurry.  I don’t mean very far either.  It seems to be this way with the far away vision, the mid range and the reading, all.  If I am reading a magazine and there are three columns of print, while having my head positioned looking straight at the first column the one on the far right is so blurry I can’t read it well at all.  I have to move my head or the magazine.  Is this asking too much of a pair of glasses.  I’ve never noticed anyone reading a book having to move their head in order to read across the page.

I think they didn’t “do” the prescription all the way across.

Well, God knows I have debated about this, but here’s a damn picture:

Somehow, at this point in my life, the “smart chick” look doesn’t bother me at all.  Not sure I can pull it off once I open my mouth, but up until then, I think the glasses I picked out help with the illusion.

They told me to wear them for a week and see what I think.  I think I’m going to call them tomorrow and ask why I have to be laser-sighted on target and physically aimed at anything I want to see clearly.

Now, I have to find someone to do something about those chipmunk cheeks.

OH!  Before I end this, I have a confession!  No!  Nothing juicy!  No, what I did today was make it over to Lisa’s AGAIN two days in a row now and I was going to take pictures of her gutted kitchen.  We went and visited and left and I forgot to take the pictures.  Got my glasses and went home and then remembered I needed to take them so John and I went back over to Lisa’s house AGAIN.  Got over there and looked in my purse for my trusty(?) camera and I had left it at home.

I really do think God didn’t want me to take any pictures today, cause he obviously made me very forgetful for some reason.

Apparently there are some of you who are impressed by the fact that my rambling… goes off in so many directions.  You know, I go on about such differing stuff in the same post.

Are you sure this is a good thing and not just a sign of, well, at the best, disorganization, and at the worst, dementia?

I have to admit that I feel like it just comes from being really, really disorganized.  Not so much around here, but in my leetle head.  You should see me write.  Or rather I should see YOU.  I am intensely curious.

With me there is usually a lot of cutting and pasting and deleting and rewording.  It seems like not much flows that doesn’t get a major overhaul before it’s done.  Oh, and I never title it until it’s finished because it’s so strange by the time it gets done the original title never really fits anymore.

Is it like that for you?  I mean whether or not you blog, cause I have a few readers that I don’t think do it, but I could be wrong and they just don’t want me to find them.  Yeah.  That’s probably it.

Well I have just reread that and decided that I won’t go back and fix anything except spelling mistakes.  And believe me when I tell you that if I didn’t check for that you could come away not knowing that I said anything at all.

So please let me hear from you and tell me how do you do it?  And no.  This is not a cop-out on a post.  I really am curious.

Well, the good news is… I’m not dead.  I have just been on hiatus, hanging out with Mither and Pop.  They are down visiting and we are having a grand time.  We don’t have any big projects planned for this trip and so it has all been fairly relaxing.

While I have been relaxing a bit, it seems like I have fallen further and further behind on reading my blogs.  I am sooo sorry!  I have not forgotten you people and will get back soon!  At least I will be able to see when I begin trying to get caught up!

I have gone to the optometrist and gotten a prescription for my eyeballs.  Would you believe that my first pair of glasses is going to be bifocals?  How blind am I?  Well, I’ll tell you.  My distance is .25 and my closer up in your face is 1.75.  No.  I don’t know what that means either.  But I know I have to have bifocals.  I am getting the line-less kind, with a far, mid and close range seeing area.  I wasn’t so interested in seeing mid range as interested in NOT looking like I had on bifocals.  Did I mention that this is my FIRST PAIR OF GLASSES?  I was a little staggered.

Speaking of staggered…  I have a… family(?) situation that smacks of reality tv, like nothing else.  Think smutty, like maybe, Temptation Island meets The Girls Next Door.  Only no one is that attractive.

You may remember me referring to Auntie-poo, before.  She is Mither’s sister and my favorite person in the world, (Mither is sitting here insisting that I make it understood, except for her.).  Well, she has a son, my cousin, actually, who has a wife that is a true piece of work.  My cousin came home from work a month or so ago and his slutty wife told him she wanted him to move out that she had been communicating with a guy who is in prison and she loved him and they were going to get married.  As soon as he gets out of prison.  Come to find out this is going to have to be a June wedding, 2009.

June weddings are nice.

Anyway, getting back to my cousin, he has three children with this chick and was heartbroken enough.  She then proceeded to tell him that years ago right after their last child was born she was corresponding with another guy on the internet and they decided to meet at a Jack in the Box.  She told him that they had sex in the bathroom there.  At Jack in the Box.  When they met.  For the first time.

I can’t seem to wrap my leetle brain around this.  Maybe I’m not creative enough to think this “outside the box”. (Pardon the pun.)  But let’s consider this a minute:

1. When meeting for sex at Jack in the Box with a man that has never been met before does one just assume the restaurant facilities will be adequate?  Or does one hope the, ahem, gentleman has a van?

2.  In which restroom is the dirty deed carried out?  I mean Men’s or Women’s?  Miss Manners would definitely have something to say about this.  Or Emily Post.  If she wasn’t dead.

3.  If you are ensconced in a bathroom at Jack in the Box with your… lover, conquest, intended, slutmuffin, are you concerned with the type of paper towels offered?  I mean if it’s an upscale establishment with a roll of paper towels, that’s one thing.  You could roll those out on the floor and not have to worry about missing gaps in the coverage.

4.  Do you bring your own paper towels?  Oh dear.  Would this seem presumptuous?  Now, we wouldn’t want to give the wrong impression.

5. If left with only the folded paper towels that pull out of the dispenser one at a time, what do you do?  Move the party to the counter?  Sink?  Standing?

6.  Is there a lock on the interior of the door in the Jack in the Box restrooms?

7.  How long to you do “it”?  Too long and there will be people making racket outside the door and that will put a real damper on things.  Too short and your partner will be very unimpressed.

8.  What’s the rule about how old or big you can be to use a changing table?

9.  When it says “Family” on the door of a restroom, does it mean just relatives?

10. When it says “No shirt, no shoes.  No service” does it mean panties are optional.

11.  John wants to know, “Do you get fries with that?”

You know Witchypoo over at Psychicgeek has an advise column that I’ve been toying with different questions for here for a good while, now…  How do you think she’d answer,…..?  Hummmm.

Good news, well, for me, anyway!  Mither and Pop are coming to visit for a few days!  They are coming tomorrow and I really should be cleaning house right now.  I am going to have to get high behind here shortly.

Plus!  Nana will help me come to a firm decision about what color to paint the front door.  Here are more picture’s of paint swatches just to further confuse everybody.

I have been picking up more colors every time I run out with Lisa, (the friend who’s having remodeling work done and is spending a substantial amount of time at home improvement and paint stores).  We had lunch today while the caregiver provider was here with H and stopped at Sherwin Williams on the way home.  I’ll say one thing for the expensive paint people… they have bigger paint chips.  Home Depot’s are smaller and Walmart’s are even smaller.

Here are the ones on the other side of the door.

It’s beginning to look a little mosaicish on there.  Hummm,  Maybe I just need to tile the whole thing in different colors…