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Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

In which I wax on about nothing…


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I have just been shushed in my living room because Kes and Gilly are attempting to watch Sex In the City. On my TV. I think it would be safe to say they are even breathing my air.
Anyway, I’m not just gonna sit around and take that!
I left and came into HACK to do a posty-poo…. Only to find that I don’t have anything very blogworthy.

Here’s a rundown of the current goings on:

It’s night time and the meatloaf is in the oven, potatoes are about to boil, and get mashed. Thinking about peas with some honey on them, the way Mither likes them.

I am wearing pink and white  stripped with green frogs flannel PJ’s and have only just recently changed out of the nightgown I wore to bed last night.

I am now taking a good hard mental look at my wardrobe, doing a little self-judging and deep speculation about my…. laid-back attitude.

OK- Done. Yes, I am definitely just laid-back. Not the least bit lazy or slatternly.

Remember- the speculation was “deep”.

The current ear worm is Billy Joel Keeping the Faith. While it could be much worse, it has been the same damn thing for DAYS.

I am now passing it on to you.

You’re welcome.

It is supposed to freeze hard tonight. Really cold and all that shit. I am in south Texas people. We don’t know what cold is down here! My poor parents are getting a good thick layer of snow on top of the thick sheet of ice that was dumped yesterday. Heh! North Texas.

Poor Ree, up in Chicago, is buried in snow by this time. I emailed her this evening and she wrote back saying that she was stuck in a meeting on the 35th floor and it was a white out outside. Hope she made it home. Put it this way: Jim Cantore of The Weather Channel fame was on his way to Chicago this morning. You know if he’s coming to your city it’s time to leave.

So when it comes down to me talking about the weather? It’s time to call it a day, admit defeat and close down HACK. I wish John would get home… I’m hungry and want to eat.

Stay warm, people!

In which I attempt a metaphor…


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I’m just dangling a toe in the waters of blogging again… I need a pedicure. Be back a little later. 😉

Damn


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I just heard the most disturbing bit of trivia on The Military Channel.
“The average Marine weighs 120 lbs.”
How depressing is that? I weigh more than most Marines…

HalfAssticalisms


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Hi, gang! How’s it hangin’? We’re all good here in HalfAssticland. I am preparing for a visit to Mither and Pop’s house here in the next couple of days. Mither told me the last time I was there that I was expected back soon to complete the ginormous kitchen redo we began when last I visited her.

I am going back on Friday and taking EXTRA slave labor with me. Connie, has foolishly sweetly made her services available and I may be a tiny bit slow in some areas, (mathematically), but I know when to take advantage of a unwitting victim.

She offered to help. I screamed yes and got someone to notarize a statement of agreement right there on the spot.

(Having a notary on retainer is one extremely useful tip when attempting to take advantage of good friends.)

So there’s no backing out now and we are off to die in the evil clutches of a maniacal kitchen makeover mad woman.

A.K.A. Mither.

I have before pictures of Mither’s kitchen to share, but am going to wait until we are through and I can do side by side comparisons. In the mean time, I have other pictures of questionable quality to regale you with.

Craig Ferguson attempting to break my lamp with his telekinetic powers .

Ok, I was bored and it was late as evidenced by the shot of my TV with the Late, late night talk show on it. My point? Yes, I’m getting there! You people are pushy today…

That lamp in the picture, (the giant floating sphere beside Craig’s head), is not on his desk. It’s in my living room. Confused yet?

It’s a reflection and anytime I am sitting in my favorite chair and one of the kids is reading or doing homework on the couch with the lamp on, that’s what it looks like to me.  It’s annoying and I keep considering writing in to his show to complain… I just can’t think how I’d state my complaint…

Target and Starbucks makes for a perfect day.

Next up here we have proof positive that Starbucks really DOES love me. Nothing rolls better than a Target shopping cart and the only thing that can top that is one with the nifty little cup holders you can borrow from the in-store Starbucks to clip on the sides and hold your coffee away from your purses. Kessa and I are all over this whole phenomenon.

HUUUUUGE banana spider living on Mither's front porch.

He’s busy munching on a grasshopper one of the grandkids tossed into his web. He was really cool to watch and I wonder if he’s still there. I’ll let you know on Friday when we go.

Mither and Pop's fish pond

Rather self-explanatory, don’t you think?

The tank

The tank at Mith and Pop’s is BADLY in need of a good rainfall. It’s getting all scummy.

Bathroom lav

Scorpion I found in the bathroom lavatory and smushed with a jar of petroleum jelly I was removing my eye makeup with.

On the wall in my room

This guy was on the wall inside the door of my room, about two feet down from the light switch. This was caught right before I murdered it with my flip flop.

Oops. Did I say “caught”? No, darling. Not in your wildest dreams. Taken, I meant TAKEN. As in the photo was taken.

Advertisement for pest control company

I received this in the mail the other day and was a tad… disturbed. I mean, obviously the gigantic roach has been photoshopped onto the child’s forehead. Still… How very disgusting and horrid that anyone, yes, even in this economy, would swing so low with the scare tactics.

I had to snicker though… “Please share this with mothers only”. No father anywhere could possibly react properly, I guess.

Just to see what happened I left it on the wet bar, a.k.a. catch all area where everyone dumps their purses and leaves and picks up notes to others, etc. These people won’t throw away my mail so I knew it would stay. For days and days I kept turning it photo side up and the next time I saw it, it was turned over, face down. Finally Keelan snatched it up and demanded, “What the heck is up with this!? It’s gross, it creeps me out, and I want to throw it away!”

I started laughing and so she just did.

Sooooo... what is it?

This is a test. Look closely at the photo above. NO! Never mind! That’s exactly what I don’t want you to do! How ’bout just glance at it and try to imagine doing it WITHOUT MY YOUR GLASSES.

OK, what is it? What do you do with it? THIS IS NOT A TRICK QUESTION.  (ok, maybe a little.)

Now, I will put on my glasses and show you what it REALLY says.

What the????

Do you see the teeny tiny little “with”, before the words Fabric Softener? Do you also see that NO WHERE on the front of the bottle does it say DETERGENT?  OK, that’s not true. It actually does say it in equally teeny tiny words over on the right, but my gawd! It shouldn’t be that hard to figure out what the heck you’re using when you start pouring laundry ingredients and mixed drinks!

I thought I’d never get all the soap out of the fabric softener dispenser.

I really need to just get some contact lens.

OH! Don’t forget to drop in on this post and enter my contest where you could win fabulous cash and prizes!

Whatever. It’s some good shit.

Till next time! Don’t let a perfectly good HalfAssticalism go by with out documenting it!


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Last time I was on here my life was falling apart around me. I was surrounded by appliance cadavers.

It were spooky, ya’ll.

Guess what? They all came back to life! I wandered out into my front yard to try to find the newspaper in the jungle of grass that needs mowing and apparently the top of my head was still visible. My next door neighbor with the immaculate yard called out to me so I took my machete and made my way over to the property line.

He asked me if my air conditioner compressor was running.

I stared blankly at him for a second wondering why there didn’t even seem to be any mosquitoes in his yard and then snapped to. “OH! Yeah, well my A/C has been running all day, just blowing away hard as it can and there is no cool air coming out.”

He then said, “And your dryer? It’s not heating either, is it?”

At this particular point I’m thinking he’s spying on me and the house is rigged with cameras and hidden microphones. While struggling to remember if I had been wearing clothing all day and what other embarrassing stuff I could have done, I stood there and listened to him explain that “A leg of our transformer has blown.”Everything in both our houses that runs on a 220 circuit won’t work.

Well, this is news to me. I do know that anytime that particular transformer blows my house along with the meticulous yard folks and the neighbors located in the two houses directly behind me all lose power. ALL power. So I just go ahead and believe what he’s saying and slip in little tidbits about how my good underwear is dirty but I DO have some. You know, just in case the theory about the hidden cameras and microphones turns out to be true.

After talking to him for several minutes I ascertain that he has called the power company already and they will be showing up shortly.  He mentions that the Homeowners Association would not only be grateful to me for mowing the yard, but appreciative for my efforts in donning a bra before wandering outside.

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’ll get right on that.

I went back inside my abode and turned on the oven. The digital clock was lit up, but no heat from the cooking deals inside. (Yes, I know they’re called elements!)

It truly is a 220 problem.

Anyway, around midnight and with the house steaming hot from having no A/C all day, the electric crew got my power up and running.

They had to completely shut off the power in order to work on the transformer. Apparently the little sissies don’t want to risk any kinds of nasty little jolts to their precious little bodies. So we not only have no A/C, but no fans either, not to mention lights.

I ran a cool bath and climbed in with a flashlight and my nook. I was sitting there in the spa tub, finally cooling off and guess what I heard immediately to my right, on the outside of the large picture window that overlooks the tub? Men. Talking about the work they are doing. Muttering things about how they wish we had mowed and the mosquitoes are a bitch.

I am sitting NAKED not two feet away from this guy! It was freaky! I have a filmy thing hanging there, in front of the glass that I KNOW you can’t see through, but I know they can see the light from my flashlight.

So, eventually they wander off I kill the light and get out, wake John up and tell him there are men outside the bath window and he mumbles something about “Tell them to mow…”, and goes back to sleep.

Funny thing is that when I was reading my comments a reader named Carla, (a former lurker), figured out what it was just by reading my previous post. She hit the nail on the head!

OR, DOES SHE HAVE CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES HIDDEN IN MY HOUSE?


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