Doctor, he is not.

Anyway, the warnings and red signs and whatnot you were seeing should not be there anymore. I restarted and did all the voo-doo and stuff and didn’t get anything.

We be disease free, and I’m proud to claim it! At least I think so…

Anyway, readership has been falling off and I feel like that has been due to the fact that the STD warning pops up when you hit on my site… Maybe I’m wrong, and you are just so damn faithful you risked plague and commented anyway.

But then again maybe you need your will revised and didn’t want to risk it…

Revisited to add that the change in masthead is supposed to be temporary.

Why?

You mean, why wouldn’t you understand?

Oh.

Because I haven’t told you all about it yet, that’s why.

So I know I mentioned that Henrietta is on hospice and not doing so well. Well, she’s getting worse at a fairly steady rate here lately. She no longer gets out of bed and all the dictates coming from her, (because that’s what comes from her), are being issued from her bedroom. There’s was quite a lot of bell ringing and to-ing and fro-ing going on for a while, but now she is sleeping most of the time and even by doing this she is stealing my good excuse for my not blogging.

She can just be SO unreasonable.

I have been to see the witch doctor and she threw pills at me almost as soon as I started talking to her. So screaming, crying, rending of garments and pulling hair out is off-putting to some, apparently. Who knew. Actually we came to the same conclusion about everything I talked to her about and I just love it when I can go to the doc feeling like I know exactly what I need and then come home with just that.

OR, not having any idea what I need and feeling fairly sure that what I got will do the trick.

Whatev.

So, as per normal procedure, things have been busy around here. We have a new member of the family house-guest.

Meet Sasha Fierce:

And no. That’s not Baby. Here is Baby:

Smiling and ready for the camera. Notice how Baby needs a clip, yet not nearly as badly as Sasha. Sasha does NOT like to have her face touched and bites.

Hard.

Or at least she used to. Other than that she is the sweetest puppy you can imagine.

Here’s the deal. We rescued her from a friend of a friend’s backyard where she was being kept in a tiny pen in the corner and never let out. She was covered from head to toe, LITERALLY, with mats so dense and tight to her skin that I thought we’d never get them off. It was like surgery to remove them. And she was really very good and still and seemed to know that we were trying to help her. She is a mutt hybrid model that is mostly poodle and has a docked tail.

When I say, “we”, I am talking about Lisa and I. Kessa alerted us to Sasha’s existence and stole transported her home. Then, while she was at work, Lisa and I began to de-mat her. At some point we had exposed enough skin that we began to think that maybe a bath was in order so she would feel even better and not smell so darn bad. She was tolerating it very well when Lisa tried to clip the nasty mess that was on her face and sticking up in front of her eyes. It was all black and stiff from tear-duct seepage and was where most of the smell was coming from.

She did NOT like it and bit Lisa.

Hard.

Broke the skin and everything. Her teeth landed on her finger, on top of and under her fingernail. Hurt like a sumbitch.

We decided to leave her face alone for the time being.

So here she is living in my house for the past three weeks and getting all kinds of attention and loving while I am attempting to crate train her. She is a firm believer in peeing outside and getting accolades and treats for it, then coming in the doggy door and pooping in the house.

We still have a ways to go.

She still won’t let me clip her face, either. However she will NOT bite anymore and I can touch it all I want. Just not with scissors or clippers.

She is sweet, energetic, wormed, about a year old and now answers to her name.

Sasha Fierce.

Anybody want her?

I know I’ve been gone, like… forever, but I’m back now so all of you people sending me urgent emails to post can just stop. That’s right. All three of you. It must cease.

*sigh* Gawd, the pressure!

Here. I have a fabulous recipe you have GOT to try. Kessa found this the other day in a magazine and wanted to give it a whirl. I was only marginally offended since I make fabulous enchiladas in the first place and everybody knows it! But I just told her to go ahead, I was making Deviled Chicken for supper. So she made a small batch of them and I’ll be damned if they aren’t SCRUMPTIOUS! Not kidding! AND they are super easy!

Easy Chicken and Cheese Enchiladas

1 can cream of chicken soup

1/2 cup sour cream

1 cup picante sauce

2 t. chili powder

2 cups chopped, cooked chicken

1/2 cup shredded Monterey Jack Cheese

6 flour tortillas

1 small tomato, chopped (I prefer Roma)

1 green onion, sliced

1.Stir the soup, sour cream, picante sauce and chili powder in a medium bowl.

2. Stir 1 cup picante sauce mixture, chicken and cheese in large bowl.

3. Divide chicken mixture among tortillas. Roll up the tortillas and place in 2-qt. shallow baking dish. (sheet cake pan) Pour remaining picante sauce mixture over filled tortillas. Cover with foil.

4. Bake at 350 F for 40 minutes or until enchiladas are hot and bubbling. Top with tomato and onion.

That’s it. Sooo easy! And amazingly good. AND THEN today, I found this recipe for Jalapeno Margaritas that Sweet Pea posted over at Newlyweds. I am dying to try some and will be aaaall over it shortly. I think that they just may be the perfect compliment to these rather mild, (depending on what flavor picante sauce you use), yummy, enchiladas.

Enjoy!

I’ll be back in the near future to try to fill in some of the blanks from my absence.

Toodles!

As a matter of fact, I am free to say I am finally doing very well. I have had a horrible few weeks and, apparently, my little head is up for air. I am having a horrible time with depression and hot flashes AT THE SAME TIME.

Just kill me now, thank you.

I am taking over the counter, all natural, hormone help things that, actually, I have been on for a good long while and they work great. It’s that Estroven stuff, but I was doing the Walmart brand of it cause it’s the same exact thing and cheaper.

Aaaaanyway, all of the sudden, the shit wern’t working s’good. If that sounded like redneck disappointment, it was and that is exactly what I turn into when battling hot flashes one after another, while wanting to choke everyone I come in contact with.

The nice, well spoken, southern lady disappears and Red Neck Krissa takes her place. I have been told all about how it manifests itself and appears to others.

It, truly is terrifying.

Well, this has been going on for a few weeks at least, with some days being much better/worse than others and John grabbed the phone and made an appointment for me with a doctor of some such for Monday. A witch doctor? Maybe.

That’s two days away. And yet my optimistic family thinks that we will all be here and alive by Monday.

The fools.

OK, getting back to the hot flashes, and disregarding the fact that I have a bad case of ADD as well as everything else, the Estroblend had all of the sudden stopped working and I wanted the Super strength one I had seen on the shelf there with it some time before.

I WANTED IT NOW.

We went to get it and I discovered the night time one as well and got that too, cause if I am ever going to abuse pills, I want it to be now sooooo bad.

No, I talked to the pharmacist at Target, where we were, and she studied the boxes and assured me I could take the extra strength AND the night time ones, both. I started eating the extra strength there, in the store.

I MAY have noticed a slight decrease in hot flashes already, but really, it’s just not happening soon enough to suit me. Really, if I have to be completely honest, nothing is happening soon enough to suit me. I be cranky.

And then? I got the opportunity to spend the day with my daughter.

Yesterday Kessa and I spent the whole day together and had a wonderful time. We got out to see the matinee of Letters to Juliet. It really was a good movie and while there were some very predictable scenes in it, at least I couldn’t assume the dialog. I truly hate going to movies and knowing almost exactly what the characters are going to say next.

It was fresh charming and amusing and Kes and I both gave it two thumbs up.

I had three hot flashes during it where I had to lean forward away from the back of my seat and fan my blouse. I almost asked Kessa to blow down the back of it, but she’s really weird about drawing lines about what she’ll do in public, so I didn’t even bother. Besides, it makes her cranky for me to ask her to do something like that and if we’re both cranky at the same time- well, I’m pretty sure that’s how world wars get started. Or maybe just shower mold.

Whatever. It’s bad.

We then headed out to Old Navy and were not the least bit surprised to find that the things that were in the sale circular that we were interested in were all gone. That store is very bad about not stocking up on things that they run ads on. I suspect poor management. So we purchased nothing and moved on to World Market right next door.

Oh, joy! I do loves me some World Market! And Kes is beginning to appreciate the uniqueness of it as well.

We bought this and this (tortellini stuffed with cheese and vodka pasta sauce in case you’re like me and sometimes hate to click on things in posts), and some basil tomato cheese that I can’t find on the website.

Anyway, we brought it home and cooked it all and topped with the fresh basil from the back yard and grated the cheese over it and consumed vast quantities of pesto on Italian bread with melted mozzarella on it.

It was good.

But we also went to the mall and I went into the Apple store with the express intentions of playing with an ipad. It was fun and Kes got on one too and we did all kinds of crazy things. But, sadly, they were too busy to notice us and didn’t even kick us out. No offense to Kessa, but I think I needed Lisa with me to accomplish this.

Come to think of it, Lisa would have stood up in the middle of the theater and fanned me with an empty popcorn bucket, had I needed it. I DID.  Heh. Good ol’ Lisa.

I then popped into Coldwater Creek and shopped a bit with my birthday gift certificate burning a hole in my purse, but just didn’t feel like buying anything right then. So we moved on. Next we left the mall and went to Kohl’s where we made the rounds and came away with nothing of import. BUT, we had fun together and it was really, really relaxing.

I feel like I have needed that for a long time.  Thanks, Kes. I love you.

Now, I know I have been rather absentee for a good while. Only posting enough to keep people from sending the cops to my door to see if I’m still alive and hardly keeping up with reading and commenting at all. But, I have felt like shit and really? Do you want to see anything I have to say if I’m crying incoherently while pecking away on the keyboard?

I thought not. (Wise choice.)

I have been seriously toying with a goodbye post and just kind of go back and forth. For right now, I am just planing on going to the witch doctor on Monday. Let’s see where that gets me, huh? Maybe I will be a better blogger in addition to feeling like a better person.

In’nit cute?

AND, last but not least, I am getting a family portrait soon or we are all gonna die trying! That? is what I was wanting most of all and I got all my group to agree and it IS GOING TO HAPPEN!

Sooo excited about that!

Now, let’s see what’s in the old picture vault to talk about, shall we?

These were actually growing in my flowerbed! I dearly love iris and I had scads of them this year.

Spring is so wonderful.

Here’s a delicate subject that causes my people to squirm. Mostly because I bring it up so much.

They all know they WILL. DIE. if they ever pretend to be about to place anything in the kitchen trash with out some sort of liner in there first. And not only that they will be washing out, (with soap), every trashcan in the house. So when someone has gotten the kitchen trash to the point that it is overflowing and trash is falling all over the floor and there is no way to go on without taking it out, well, this just means that the trash can will look like this:

Exactly.

No one can actually be expected to replace the liner so it sits there like this until I notice there is an abundance of trash on the counter tops and I start to gather it all to throw it away.

Things like:

Tea with lemon, anyone? Well, someone has had some.

Tea bag not needed anymore? Don’t know what to do with it since throwing it away would mean you need to bend over and retrieve a liner from under the sink and then place it INTO THE TRASH CAN?

No problem. Just leave it waded up on the corner of the sink.

Lovely.

Well, I started out all full of good cheer and crap spouting off about all my birthday goodies and it’s all gone downhill. Now I’m all bitchy about the trash left all over the kitchen  when no one will replace the liner in the can.

Confession: I took those picture’s about 6 months ago.

I need to move on.

I’m old now.

The following SHOULD NOT BE SUNG. It’s simply prose. (Prosey? Prosie? Prose-ish?) I can tell right now you are over thinking this.

I like:

Bendy straws and

Green lights

Puppy paws and

wee girls in tights.

Badger Cuticle Cream,

Do you know what I mean?

I love cool reading glasses

And single malt scotch.

Short sleeved blouses,

Jeans not too short in the crotch.

Shitless diapers and

Blooming iris

Eating pastry until I’m pieless.

Flealess dogs and

Flaming fireplace logs.

Red wine,

Namely Beaujolais.

Loving my husband,

A roll in the hay-

No worry about conception.

Red geraniums and

Cell phones that get good reception.

Sleeping late,

Nothing much to do,

Dinner dates and

Never thinking it through.

Talking on the phone and

Mindless blather.

Washing my hair with

Good smelling lather.

Having freshly shaved legs and

Cute painted toes.

Not having to blow a snotty kids nose.

Writing my blog and

finding great friends,

I’m just thinking,

the fun never ends!

Two things have happened very recently that have rocketed me along and now, I am joining you all here in the world of Instamatic cameras, gasoline powered lawn mowers, gas stoves with pilot lights, electric vacuum cleaners, Atari video games and percolating coffee pots. You guys are just wowing the pants off of me and I SO am looking forward to joining you!

First of all I got a new phone and it is wonderful. We were eligible for an upgrade and, after having a stare down with the other members of the family, I grabbed it and ran wildly went methodically to the local Verizon store. I looked, browsed, asked questions, acted for all the world like I was going to leave there with a phone and they were very helpful.

I then went home and ordered it online where it was MUCH cheaper. S&H is free and it got here in two days.

LOOK!

And then you can open it and just like a closet full of wonderful new clothes, it reveals itself to you!

(Yes, I know that picture has a watermark thing on it saying it belongs to someone else and I don’t care.

I recommend you do the same, cause it’s not changing anytime soon…)

Did I mention all those wonderful new clothes make you look 10 pounds lighter? CAUSE IT TOTALLY DOES!

And people, my new wonder-phone will get online if I so desire. Yes, that’s right.

Uhhhhh, what? What’s that? You already have a phone that does that and are rather unimpressed with my ability to Tweet from the back yard?

Clearly, you don’t understand the distance this upgrade has taken me. I no longer have to walk up to a particular wall in my kitchen and stand there and crank a handle around in a circle while holding a receiver to my ear and speaking into a funny looking mouth piece coming out of the wooden box. I don’t have to go through an operator to call next door.

I GOTS RING TONES PEOPLE!

I have almost figured out how to work everything on it. The, (very few), remaining questions I have for the super efficient know-it-all’s at Verizon have to do, mostly, with things like what recipes will it do for supper and will it dust more than once every other month a week, and what are the buttons to push to change shitty diapers? Oooooh, I bet that is probably found on that touch screen thingy, since it would be a more…. sophisticated function.

Be honest. Any time you have ever pictured me changing the shitty diaper, has it ever ONCE occurred to you that what I am doing here is “sophisticated”?

No?

Well, maybe it should… humph!

My other world shaking announcement will no doubt set the techno-whizzes on their ears. THIS? Is no longer a large stainless steel hole under my counter where I desperately need more cabinet space.

This thing here? It’s called a DISH WASHER.  Let me tell you all about the magic that is this!

It washes, rinses, AND dries!

NO! I AM NOT SHITTIN YOU! Would I do that?

I have had it here the entire time we have lived in this house, but have done without it’s services for the past few months. The man from Sears Home Repair, (that I’m thinking about trying to get over here to hook up to my machine so I can get him to fix the garbage disposal), came out and fixed it and now I want to have his baby is on my Christmas card list.

I am telling you people, things cannot get any better around here!

OR COULD THEY?

Stay tuned.

I walked back into H’s room to put some things away in order to make more room to fold more in the vicious cycle of laundry that never ends. H looked at me for a moment and said, “Is he gone?”.

“Who?”

She doesn’t hear what I’m saying enough to understand and replies, “Yes, I know!”.

I repeatedly scream “Who? Who? WHO?”, and she finally gets it.

“Oh Krissa”, very exasperated, “I know you have a man in there!”

I was horrified. Not to mention worried about her eyesight, you should have seen the hot mess that was me that day… How she thought I was in any condition to get a man near me much less “entertain” one, is beyond me.

I immediately whipped her chair around and propelled her into the living room and gestured to the couch.

“I am in here doing YOUR laundry! There are no men here!”

As expected, I got the customary eye roll and a sarcastic “Oh, yes, yes, yes…”.

I took her back to her room and left her there.

Then, yesterday, Monday to be exact, I went into her room for something or another and she was feverishly working the rosary beads when she said, “Is your customer gone? That was fast?”

I am not even kidding.

I sat down on the side of the bed and turned her head toward me, (for some reason she has always had a problem with eye contact), and asked her repeatedly what kind of business she thought I had.

I was, of course, getting no where. I then wheeled her back into the living room and parked her in the spot she used to like to be in when she used to be less like a hermit and actually spend time with the family. I asked her again what she thought I was doing in here with a “customer”.

“Ooooh, Krissa! You know! You get that machine and hook the men up to it and it puts them to sleep.”

And now I’m thinking, Really? And what? Have my way with them? Rob them? Dance around naked? (fat chance)

I asked her what machine and she gestured to the two large chairs in the room. “Oh, you know! It’s over behind there!”

I quickly wheeled her over there and showed her it was, in fact, not there at all. And then explained that she was talking about the foot massager and it belonged to Keelan and it was in her room.

We discussed this for a few minutes and she grew weary of the debate and just said “OK.”, kind of in a “Whatever”, manner.

I told her she was going to stay in here for a while and she could watch and see there was no one coming in the house. But, no. She insisted she had to get back in her room and say a rosary. One for me, no doubt, to change my wicked ways.

I hope it works. *sigh*

First of all, knowing your deep fascination, respect and abiding love for all things HalfAsstic Household, I have news of some great import for you.

Remember John, Mr. HalfAsstic? Yeah, well there’s not much reason for you to remember him too much since he’s HARDLY EVER HERE.

Oops. Was I being loud again? Dammit. My redneck was sneaking out.

Aaaaanyway, John has been working in another county for a good long while and the 45 minute drive to and from work, not to mention the cost of gasoline, has driven us bats for the entire time. The Pearland store is no longer his baby! He got transferred to Friendswood! Much closer and easy to get to! Plus, he’s worked there before and it’s an “easy” store.

Now, didn’t I just absolutely make your day with that bit of news?

I went with him to the old store yesterday on his day off to pick up his junk valuables.

Here he is upstairs gathering his things. No, really. He’s in there.

Here again, only this time he’s more identifiable as human. (And he almost always is.)

There’s my cutie!

BIIIIIG store. This is just a small slice out of the center from upstairs.

And just to make you jealous… Spring in south Texas.

OK, actually it’s the parking lot in spring in south Texas, but you can still see all the green way back there.

Next, all about Henrietta’s delusions. The Update.

And, really? I didn’t do that, though I considered it. Maybe that would get me some hate mail, ( or is that hate male? HAHAHA!), and then I would feel like a “real blogger”.  *sigh*

Oh well, I tried. Now I will have to blast God or something to get noticed… Shit. I really hate to tempt fate like that and can’t seem to find any steam to put behind it so I guess I will just pass.

OK, not to mention I don’t blast God for, like, anything.

Once again I am in bed and Jeopardy is on. We love that show. Ever since John got so sick with the congestive heart failure back in October, he has been too tired to watch it with me most of the time. It comes on at 11:35PM.

You know, it is the most bizarre thing. I mean to think it could happen to anybody! John was just going about his business one day and the next he had caught a virus that would ultimately infect his heart. We didn’t know that it would of course. But, it did and I can honestly say that I don’t remember when he got the “cold” that started this whole thing off. I just remember that he started coughing sometime during last September and he hasn’t really stopped.

I mean he has never smoked. He lives a blame free lifestyle. He doesn’t drink excessively, or actually I guess I should say he didn’t, since he doesn’t drink at all now. Whatever. He is well behaved. To be honest he would have to be or I wouldn’t have married him.

Well, there you have it. He started coughing in September and went in the hospital October 1st. He spent 22 days in there and he’s still totally screwed up.

He almost died and I keep thinking it’s still going to happen if I look away for a second. I don’t know why my paying attention would help… That’s how egocentric I am, I guess.

If you or your spouse has the opportunity to sign up for long term disability insurance at work…

Do so. Please remember that… Do so.

We didn’t and even though he could get the disability go ahead from any of his doctors at any time, we don’t have it, and Medicare’s disability insurance isn’t enough to keep a gnat alive. At least not these gnats.

I don’t really know what we are going to do in the long run, but we are looking into all possibilities.

Anyone wanna lease a little old lady? I know I make it sound glamorous, but really!

She Could Be Yours!

(For a limited amount of time and restrictions apply…Though I can’t think what they may be…)

Well, now Craig Ferguson is on and the lady that wrote The Glass Castle, Jeannette Walls is on and I really loved that book. So I am off to watch mindless television, me lovelies!