HalfAsstic.com

Well, shit. Are you serious? That’s it? I laid my soul bare about my prejudices and radical views of limiting how many penis bearing boy children a person could have and…. wait a minute! That’s China! And it’s not boys, it’s girls! (Not to mention it was no time recently, but, whatever…)

And, really? I didn’t do that, though I considered it. Maybe that would get me some hate mail, ( or is that hate male? HAHAHA!), and then I would feel like a “real blogger”.  *sigh*

Oh well, I tried. Now I will have to blast God or something to get noticed… Shit. I really hate to tempt fate like that and can’t seem to find any steam to put behind it so I guess I will just pass.

OK, not to mention I don’t blast God for, like, anything.

Once again I am in bed and Jeopardy is on. We love that show. Ever since John got so sick with the congestive heart failure back in October, he has been too tired to watch it with me most of the time. It comes on at 11:35PM.

You know, it is the most bizarre thing. I mean to think it could happen to anybody! John was just going about his business one day and the next he had caught a virus that would ultimately infect his heart. We didn’t know that it would of course. But, it did and I can honestly say that I don’t remember when he got the “cold” that started this whole thing off. I just remember that he started coughing sometime during last September and he hasn’t really stopped.

I mean he has never smoked. He lives a blame free lifestyle. He doesn’t drink excessively, or actually I guess I should say he didn’t, since he doesn’t drink at all now. Whatever. He is well behaved. To be honest he would have to be or I wouldn’t have married him.

Well, there you have it. He started coughing in September and went in the hospital October 1st. He spent 22 days in there and he’s still totally screwed up.

He almost died and I keep thinking it’s still going to happen if I look away for a second. I don’t know why my paying attention would help… That’s how egocentric I am, I guess.

If you or your spouse has the opportunity to sign up for long term disability insurance at work…

Do so. Please remember that… Do so.

We didn’t and even though he could get the disability go ahead from any of his doctors at any time, we don’t have it, and Medicare’s disability insurance isn’t enough to keep a gnat alive. At least not these gnats.

I don’t really know what we are going to do in the long run, but we are looking into all possibilities.

Anyone wanna lease a little old lady? I know I make it sound glamorous, but really!

She Could Be Yours!

(For a limited amount of time and restrictions apply…Though I can’t think what they may be…)

Well, now Craig Ferguson is on and the lady that wrote The Glass Castle, Jeannette Walls is on and I really loved that book. So I am off to watch mindless television, me lovelies!

Well, Henrietta is sitting quietly in her wheelchair in her room. I say quietly because she isn’t crying or yelling for Gilbert to come in there or ringing the *=$#@&! bell for service.  I brought her in the dining room earlier and rolled the table to one side so I could roll her chair right up to the window and she could see the cardinals and blue jays and squirrels fighting for the food I put out on the feeder in front of the window. She greatly enjoyed this and I thought she might stay here for a while.

Nope.

She started rolling out of the room and down the hall in just a few minutes.  Oh well. It was a thought. It just seems to me the more she stays in there the worse her mind gets.

We may need an exorcism.

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I started to name this post, “Tragedy has struck” or something like that, but thought with John’s health problems of late that might not be best. Too easy to get the wrong idea before reading the post.

However, there has been a tragedy of another sort.

Remember Cecilia? Well, I was able to “fix” her. We won’t go into what I found out was the problem and how disgusting and embarrassing it was to admit. (NASTY BLACK…. GUNK. GROWING, reproducing… pooping, and doing all sorts of nasty things in the water reservoir.  I think I heard it laugh at me when I shined a light down in that black tank to see what it looked like. It had it’s own IQ, people.)

Well, I am just not down with that. The only place I am content to grow hairy things that are perfectly capable of turning into monsters that could overthrow the household is in the vegetable crisper. There’s plenty of light in the fridge and I am at lest aware of how bad it’s getting and can warn people not to even open that drawer.

Yes. That’s what I do…. Don’t you?

I think I am getting off track here. I was reminding you all of Cecilia so that you can appreciate how totally in mourning I am when I tell you that the EXPLETIVE HERE, dishwasher won’t wash. I mean, it will wash, but only with fairly cold water. Not nearly hot enough to say, remove grease. Or sanitize. And there is no heat to dry the dishes with either. It sounds to me like the heating element has gone out. Or maybe the thermostat in it is broken. Or, as some smart arse repair person pointed out to me on the phone, it’s an electronic gizmo in the computer brain of it.

I don’t know, but it is a Bosch and supposed to be a superior product dishwasher-wise. This means it costs a fortune to repair. So, until next month when we can afford it, I am washing dishes.

And drinking coffee with my best friend… Cecilia.

Or YOU if you want to come on over, I would love to have you! You don’t have to be scared of Henrietta! Well, not TOO much…

Henrietta has been up to some new shenanigans while I was away with Lisa at Mither’s and Pop’s. I got regular reports on her downward spiral.

John tells me that she wheeled her chair into the living room looking for Kessa’s boyfriend, Gilbert, more than once. When she couldn’t find him she was convinced they were hiding him from her.

My SIL was staying here over the weekend to help with her care and when she fell asleep on the couch and didn’t respond to the frantic bell ringing that H was hammering away at, well, she just assumed the obvious.

“What is that, Krissa?”, you’re wondering. Don’t worry. I’ll tell you. She informed the family that Gilbert had been here and sneaked in the house in order to hypnotize  SIL with his hypnosis machine.

See Homedics Foot Massaging Hypnosis Machine below:

John explained to her that this particular machine was bought by Jared, Keelan’s boyfriend for her for Valentine’s Day. She’s a carhop at Sonic and her feet get tired.

She would have none of it. She remained convinced that when her daughter fell asleep on the couch and didn’t wake up to her ringing the bell for her, she would have had to have been hypnotized.

When I got back I made a point of going in there and sitting on the couch with my feet on the thing as it whirled around under me rubbing the soles of my feet. She looked long and hard at me before asking me questions about what it was. I just acted like I didn’t know anything about what had happened and told her what it was.

That didn’t keep her from casting sidelong glances at it all evening.

She also told SIL and Tanya, her home healthcare provider that Gilbert was practicing voo-doo on John and that’s why he falls asleep in his comfy chair and that when he does he can’t be woken.

Absurd stuff just continues to spew forth. It is a never-ending font of tabloid news that nobody else in the world could possibly care anything about.

Too funny.

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And since Red over at In the Wheel, asked for it, here it is!

Oatmeal Cookies

1 C sugar

1 C brown sugar

1 C shortening or butter

2 eggs

1 t. vanilla

1 1/2 flour

1 t. baking soda

1 t. salt

3 C of  quick oats

’bout 6 oz. of butterscotch chips

chopped pecans

Mix it up, chill it for a few hours and drop cookies on cookie sheet to be cooked at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes.

Oh, and honestly, I use butter in just about everything, but butter flavored Crisco makes the cookies rise sooo much better and they just do better with it.

To speed up the chilling process that seems to be necessary to get them to come out right, I stick it in the freezer for a while.

These truly are my all time favorite cookies. Enjoy!

Hello duckies!  I have been totally out of pocket for a few days and am happy to report that I am back in action!

Lisa and I took a Thelma and Louise road trip up to my folks house in Decatur, Texas. Mither was having some blood pressure problems and even went so far as to get admitted to the hospital via the emergency room a couple of days before we went up. She is aaaaall about the drama when she wants a visit.  We told her it was unnecessary and just a simple invite would suffice. That ain’t how she rolls. *sigh*

So we got going up there as soon as we got a call from Mither saying, the weather was supposed to be dreadful and a ton of snow was due to fall. A TON.

OK, all my friends up north, I know what you’re thinking, how much could it possibly snow down here in The South?  I am telling you, it was A TON.

It started snowing on us as we were driving up there around three hours from destination. Huge flakes coming down hard.  This continued the entire way there and by the time we got there, (six and a half hour drive made into a ten hour drive), the snow was about 14″ deep. (Or up to Lisa’s waist knees.)

We did great. Went the whole way with no problems. When we got to the place that we usually turn off of the interstate and take a scenic, less traffic-y, route, we pulled over and discussed the best way. It was a unanimous decision to stay on interstate 45 until we got dumped off on highway 287, instead of going remote roads. Sooooo glad we did. Besides, Lisa’s GPS just doesn’t understand back roads as a way to get anywhere. That bitch told us we were going the wrong way no matter what we told her. She eventually got attitude, too.  Threatening to “pull over” worked with my kids. Not her.

Mither and Pop live on a private road along with a handful of other people and there is a BIG space between houses. Acres, in fact. Once we turned off the county road onto the private road we were a tad scared. There appeared to be one set of tracks plowing through the drifts and the road was completely indistinguishable except for these tracks. So we followed them.

I should point out here that Lisa has a nifty new Honda CRV with all kinds of cool gadgetry. We were still figuring some of them out. As soon as we got into the snow a warning signal appeared on her dashboard. This worried us and as she drove slowly, but steadily down the looooong drive/private road. So I am leaning over looking at the dashboard while she is approaching the intersection where the sign post says “Wilde”, and points off to the left of the sign and “Murphree” and points to the right. She wasn’t real sure she remembered which way to go and started asking me, “Right or left?! Right or left!?”.  I was looking at the dash and just said, “Straight.”. She turned right and was trying to follow the tracks when my head popped up and said, “STRAIGHT! STRAIGHT! STRAAAAAAAAIGHT!.

The warning sign on the dash turned out to be a thing that pops up when you are hydroplaning and are too stupid to realize it. Well our wheels were spinning all over the place.

Did I mention we were white knuckling it at this point? Tension was running high.  She swore there was no “straight” and somehow this warranted a hard right. Whatever. We were in the tracks of something. One pitiful little narrow set of them.  I am pretty sure her car didn’t have the ground clearance to clear the snow piled up in the middle so we were giving that a flat top cut.  I told her not to stop, no matter what, but not to go to fast either. We followed the tracks fairly successfully to the first house on the right where I, for some strange reason, pictured us driving up and turning around in a magically cleared off driveway.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, at the turn into the driveway we slid sideways off the tracks and we continued to go for as far as we could while navigating for all we’re worth back towards the elusive tracks.

There may have been some screaming, cussing and hair pulling, (each others). We will never say for sure.

So when we ceased to move there was a quick reversal and we plowed backwards for all we were worth. The problem was we didn’t turn and ended up in what turned out to be a ditch. I feel like I need to point out right now that there was no ditch when the snow was all over it.

But, sadly, then there was.

We sat there for a good minute and a half, mostly just looking at each other with saucer sized eyes. Then of course, as things go without fail in rural Texas, a pickup pulled up behind us and Bryan, one of my parents neighbors got out and came up to the window and said, “So…. whatchadoin’ Krissa?”

I, (quite valiantly), fought back a deep blush and said, “Oooooh, nuttin.” At this point, I believe Bryan and Lisa were introduced and he said he would haul us out.

I think I mentioned this is rural Texas, so there was no shock or amazement when he reached right inside the back of his pickup and with one hand pulled out a log chain while the other hand dove into a mound of snow that had collected back there and retrieved a fresh beer.

Soon we were hooked up and in neutral. He was hauling and spinning and fishtailing back and forth, yet the four wheel drive he was in couldn’t yank us out of the culvert we had dropped off of.

You should have seen Lisa’s and my eyes about then.

This all took maybe four minutes. Then another set of lights drove up behind us and Jeff Murphree and his son, Bradly, climbed out and trudged through the snow looking for all the world like they had nothing better to do. They were still in their firemen gear from work.

Oh, did I mention that Bryan Massey is an EMT? Yup, he was off work that day and well into a case, 12 pack, six pack of beer.

However, I knew we could not be in better hands.

About that time, Dalane Bible, not just a neighbor, but a friend of mine from high school, showed up.  Lisa and I looked at each other and she said, “Shit… they’re all gonna start peeing on the tires about now…  She had already abandoned the drivers seat, saying something to the effect of, “I’m not driving. You guys know what you’re doing. No, really, I’m not driving!” So Dalane hopped in the front and threw it into drive as Bryan commenced to yank our chain. Heh.

Did I mention the amount of testosterone in the air was palpable?You could have cut it with a knife.

So Dalane  drove while Bryan pulled and we made it neatly into our driveway.  Eventually.  It was a MESS. Snow stacked up everywhere.  Later, before we left to go home we whipped up a batch of banana nut bread muffins and my family’s world famous Oatmeal Butterscotch Cookies, and delivered them to all the houses in the tiny community where our heroes live.

That was the best kind of adventure. Best friends, mishap, heroes, saviors, fun, fun, fun.

We had a wonderful time visiting Mither and Pop from Thursday through Monday. Mither was released from the hospital on Saturday and we collected her without too much trouble in Pop’s pickup.  When we got home we did our best to take care of everything around there while we were available. Pop said he wanted to hire us to just stay and, “be full time”. Unfortunately Lisa had a doctor’s appointment the next day that she was determined to keep and I had to get home to take over the upkeep of Henrietta.

I will tell you what happened with her while I was gone on our next close encounter. Promise!

Here are some pics of how beautiful it was while we were there.

Above is the county road that led to my parents road/driveway.

Their back yard.

The koi pond from the window. Wonder what makes them want to even live in this kind of weather? I would just DIE if I was wet AND cold. Not to mention have a frozen ceiling.

The tank, where half of it was frozen. There were ducks down there on the half that wasn’t, but I never did get a picture of them.

Baby doing a poop. Once she figured out there was n0 other way to do one than put her butt down in it, she was willing to go. Though I really don’t think she was happy about it. I guess I can understand her feelings…

Until next time! Free toes, everybody!

Yes, I really left you with a picture of Baby pooping. This is the kind of documentation you have grown to expect at HalfAsstic.

Admit it.

There are more Christmas pictures, ya’ll!

Up first, we’re moving into the Victorian bedroom, where Mither has a tree and garland over the headboard. There was also garland over the mirror on the dresser yet, somehow, I missed the shot of that.

The paint technique she used in here is beautiful as well.

Here’s the small Christmas tree in the sewing room. Festive, no?

I am skipping around a wee bit, (Sort of like I do in real life-really, you should see me…), and here we are at the end of the hall, across from the kitchen. The furry thing is Tootsie, she is heading out the door.

Here we are in the “girl’s room”.

Besides the Christmas tree, there was a lovely garland going across the top of the headboard. It had to go. I was sleeping in there, (being the perfect sister and giving the Victorian room to my brother and SIL), and the damn thing was attacking me in the night and interfering with my slumber. It’s on the floor on the other side of the bed. Try to imagine it.

Can you tell Mither likes to fool with paint?  It is even prettier in person.

Here’s a closer up shot of the walls…

Wandering down the hall, here we have Pop’s room gun cabinet. Festive as well.

A rather vintage Miss Martha’s nativity scene…

Now at the end of this hall is Mither and Pop’s room. For some reason the tree looks lit with yellow lights from here, and…

…white lights from here. Now why is that? I didn’t use a flash with either shot and the lights were white in real life. Crazy.

Mither’s room is serene and calm in a sea of blue and white.

This is a lovely, snowy looking little vignette.

That Mither does love her sparkle.

On outside now…

SEE! SNOW!  This is the cattle guard in front.

Coy pond. I suspect they’re cold…

I just love this shot…

And this off the back porch at the tank that is looking a little frozen.

I can’t tell you how much fun it was to take pictures of all this snow! And yes, I know it’s not nearly as much as a  lot of you get, but for here and on Christmas Day, it was amazing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Day late and a dollar short. Whatev.

These pictures are so freakin’ spectacular that you will be forced, I say FORCED, to forgive me.  Well, OK, maybe not forced, but I think you will want to.  Hope?

Ahem. Here we go.

As you may remember me mentioning years months weeks a long time ago, I spent my first Christmas with my entire family, (the ‘rentals and sole sibling), present in the same house, at the same time, for the first time in probably over 15 years.

You see, my brother is a very difficult man.

Heh! Love you, Cam!

It’s true, though. He’s in the military and they, my dear, sainted sister-in-law and now my semi-new nephew, have been living all over the globe for an eternity. They are now stationed back in Alamogordo NM. So it was very exciting for us all to be there together. We picked up the food fight right where we left off.

Also? This was the very first documented white Christmas in Decatur, Texas in, I guess, forever.  My parents are 72 and 73, and had never had one before.  BIG EXCITEMENT.

So without further ado, or even undo or redo, here are the pictures!

Here we are with the living room all decked out for the holidays!  Mither goes all out.

I think their tree is sooo beautiful.

Here’s a winter scene in the front hall I really love!

On the other side of the hall.

Here we are in the dining room and it is so tranquil. This buffet was my great-grandmother’s.

I love this little “ice covered” tree over in the corner.

The centerpiece on the dining room table. “Angel hair” with Christmas lights run underneath it.

Mither painted the walls flat navy blue and then with clear gloss, free handed the design in the curtains in the previous picture. I think this make such a pretty effect.

I remember, when I was a child, thinking that the gifts under our tree looked so pretty it was magical. I love helping Mither wrap them and continuing with the illusion.

Now, here we go down the hall to the Kitchen. Mither being Mither and all, of course the hall has to have a Christmas tree as well.

I just counted and there are 11 pictures so far in here and I don’t want to bog anyone’s pooter down, so I will finish up my Christmas post in a second edition!

Till later, Merry Christmas Free Toes, everybody!

Henrietta is off her ever lovin’ rocker and John is sick with congestive heart failure and I am sick with something, (bronchitis?), and I want to have myself committed to get away from this nut house. Go ahead and call the men in the white coats to come get me.

Please.

While they’re here they could throw a cursory glance over at H and tell me what the hell they see. She has slipped down the slippery slope of peanut butter enemas and DayQuil eye wash.

She’s done checked out.

I have to say that I sincerely think this new, memory-bank deficit,  recent draft, Henrietta is going to be easier to handle than the one that was just …”on her way out”.  Because, she requires much less assurance and help to understand what is going on. She see’s it only one way and that is the way she see’s it. All you can do is placate her and move on.

A few days ago, Thursday, I believe. We were watching the UT game and The Boyfriend was here as we had invited him over to watch it. Sounds like a fun time,  huh? You would think so. Anyway John and T.B., henceforth known as Gil or Gilly or Gilbert, were sitting in the living room across the room from one another just basically talking about the game so far. Nothing too terribly exciting was happening and they were talking pretty low. John would bust out coughing fairly often, but not any different than it’s been for the past 5 months. At this point in the evening John and I glanced up and saw H rolling through the doorway into the living room.

Announcing to the room in general, “He’s a very sick man!”

Looks were exchanged and John said, “Mom, what’s up?”

“I was cold back in there, John.” Very whiny and pitiful. So I walked up and got behind her wheelchair and propelled her over in front of the fireplace where, Satan Gilbert had built us a very nice fire.  She was so busy casting mean looking sidelong glances at Gilly that she almost didn’t notice what I was doing.

“Oh! Krissa, nooooooo! I have to go back in there and finish writing my letter!” I said, “I thought you were cold?”, and she stuck her two hands straight up in the air to show me her gloves.  Very defiantly. She didn’t say anything, just waved her hands at me. Kinda like jazz hands but not nearly as happy looking. In fact I’m thinking that even standing behind her I could see her rolling her eyes at me. So I asked her if she wanted to sit in front of the fire with the rest of us and warm up there and she she got VERY defensive, stuck her hands up in the air again, (This time I did a quick once over to determine if there were any middle fingers sticking up cause I was getting the message at this point.), and I grabbed her chair and started rolling her back to her room.

I knew what was going to happen, the writing was on the wall, so I pulled her into her parking spot and got in front of her, put my finger under her chin, lifted it and stared deep into her beady little eyes.

“Henrietta, now I want you to listen to me.”

She stared up as wide eyed as she could possibly contrive. “Yeeees, Krissa?”

“There is absolutely nothing bad going on in that room and John and Gilbert are just enjoying the game. You are more than welcome to watch it with us. Once again she said she had to finish writing her letter, however I’m thinking that she may have underestimated how difficult this would be with the gloves on. And while doing periodic jazz hands.

“Henrietta, I know how you are and how you get about Gilbert. I don’t want you making any more wild stories up about John and him or any nonsense like that.”

She is properly appalled at my accusations and let’s me know it. I reiterate that she is all about making up evil, foul-intentioned lies. She is properly outraged, and assures me that NOTHING is further from the truth. I admonish her one more time, by leaning over and enunciating carefully so that there is no room for doubt about what I am saying:

“Remember, everything is fine in there and John and Gilbert are just watching the game. They’re having a good time!”

She told me that she does NOT make up lies, and I shouldn’t say that. Whatever. As I was leaving the room I heard her say very sarcastically, “God bless you, Krissa!” I turned and smiled and said something to the effect of, “May He bless you, too.”

Friday morning I was sick as a dog and thank God good old Tanya was here and takin’ care o’ tings with her. I eventually made it in to where Tanya was and got the scoop from her. H had told her that last night Gilly came over and got Kes and took her and they got married and then he and John were  in a heated argument and John’s boss, that’s right his boss had to come over and, “calm everything down”.

She has never met his boss. Hell, I’ve never met his boss. He’s this guy that lives 45 minutes away in Pearland and does not possess the kind of heartfelt concern for his employees that would cause him to drive from there to here to “calm things down”. He didn’t even visit John while he was in the hospital the  better part of October.

I have no idea where she pulled that from, I suspect straight out of her ass, but it did lend her story a lot of flair.

I’m thinking maybe fiction writer for her new career.

Anyway, I am bound and determined to just wave everything away from here on out, just say, “OK, whatever.”, and be done with it. There’s a small, dim, light on up there, yet it’s not bright enough to vanquish her demons.

I have started this post once again and am hoping I don’t go back and delete everything this time.  It’s been weeks since I posted or even read anybody else’s blogs. WEEKS!

I been busy.

I also got to spend Christmas with my mither and pop, brother and SIL, PLUS nephew, in Decatur, Texas. I spent an entire week there and was thrilled! Them moving to New Mexico from Italy is definitely working out.  It was the first family Christmas with all four members of the immediate family present in over fifteen years. It really was wonderful and spending time with my newish nephew, Noah, was a huge bonus. They only got him two years ago and I have seen him way to infrequently.  He’s a great kid!

So there we are having a perfectly glorious time hanging out together and what do you think happened Christmas Eve? It’s OK, I’ll tell you.  Let me preface it by saying that my mom is 72 and Pop 73, and neither one of them have ever had a white Christmas. I had my first one five years ago when a fluke weather pattern got it to actually snow down here in the southeast end of Texas.

Well, sure enough, it poured snow on Christmas Eve.  A good thick layer of lovely whiteness.  It was beautiful on Christmas morning. The grandchildren that showed up at house had a wonderful time playing outside. In addition my sister-in-law, Melissa and I had several adventures running to town on icy roads to do last minute shopping.  Fancy, seldom heard cuss words were taken out, dusted off and used liberally during our excursions. My eyes are still trying to adjust back down to normal size from the saucer size they grew to while accomplishing these dangerous feats.  But, we good. Melissa did a stint in Alaska with me brother when he was stationed there and is a pro at driving on ice.

During all this time Pop was having trouble with his COPD and continued to deny he needed to go to the hospital. Sure enough, after the last of the guests left, on Christmas day, he succumbed to the shortness of breath and said, “Weeeeell, maybe I better get on down there after all.” So we called an ambulance and let those guys get him safely from the door to the car ambulance over all the ice and snow. They carted his behind in and gave him a “special” kind of breathing treatment and IV steroids and he was feeling tons better in no time. He went home in a couple of days.

Meanwhile, back at the home front, John went back to work. It was either that or run completely out of the paid leave time he had been taking. We too broke for that and though he has good days and bad days, it seems to be working out pretty well so far. The bad days really kick his butt though. He’s working at the coldest store in the district and it even bothered him before the heart problems and his need to take Coumadin. Now he thinks he’s dying it’s so cold in there.

Yesterday we went to Academy and purchased silk long-johns for him to wear as they are supposed to be warmer than thermal cotton and not as bulky. We also got silk sock liners for him to wear under his socks because  his feet are so cold all the time.

I need to point out right now that I don’t have any silk underwear. Just saying…

Anyway that crap, (that it turns out isn’t that effective) was right at $30.00. I was looking for some battery operated socks that work like an electric blanket, with the wires running through them. Couldn’t find any anywhere.

Henrietta’s mind is deteriorating, finally. She is 87 years old and I know it was going to happen eventually. She is really being a good deal more paranoid than she used to be. Oh, and she is still convinced that The Boyfriend is the devil.  She has repeatedly told us that we just need to ask him to leave and “….let this family have peace!”, when he isn’t here and hasn’t been in days.

So that’s where I’ve been and the high, (and low), points of most of what’s been happening.  I made a valiant stab at hitting all of you guys blogs before I finished this post up and made it around to a lot of them. I will be better in the new year about keeping up.

*That’s my only resolution!*

Tomorrow, PICTURES!

Hi people, it’s me! You just don’t recognize me cause I’m in italic.

Actually, I’m not really here.  I’m guest posting over at Ree’s, The Hotfessional, and she is flitting around in India.  I expect some great pics when she gets back.  So hotfoot it over there and let me know what you think!

Hello, people!  It is a GORGEOUS day here in HalfAsstic land!  The sun is shining bright and the breeze is light with a perfect robin’s egg blue sky.  The flags have been put out on our street for Veteran’s Day, tomorrow and it is also Kessa’s birthday!  The girl is now 20 years old… or as The Boyfriend says, “in her terrible two’s”. Heh!

She made quite a haul with all the loot she got.  She liked everything I got for her except one sleep-shirt that has a V-neck instead of a higher collar.  It is NOT cut low!  I mean she’s my daughter for heaven’s sake! Why on earth would I be buying her low cut, smutty things?

Whatever!  This does not stop her from announcing to everybody that I got her skanky lingerie.  Heh.  Lil brat.  She gots the huge bewbs, (they both do), and is very careful to wear higher necked things.  Still… she needs to try it on.  I don’t think it’s low cut at all.

Yesterday I wandered into HACK and John had gotten up early and made his little self busy.  Oh, yeah… he had quite a time.  Let’s take a look at some of the necessities of corporate digs at The World According to Garp John.

First of all I was greeted with signage.  One on the doorway in the foyer and another one, behind it back there, on the doorway from the kitchen.  BWAHAHAHAHA!  That boy does love to play with Print Artist!

Next, I wandered over to the table and found my name plate.  And I know what you’re thinking, (Yes, again!…Sheesh!). “Krissa, why do you have two printers that obviously aren’t even hooked up on the desk at HACK? This seems rather unprofessional, and we all know you to be the epitome of professionalism.  Someone who would never, for instance, clutter up their work area with useless electronics or any kind of yard care equipment, OR talk about huge bewbs on your blog.”

Yeah. Well you were ALMOST right.

We’ve got to get those printers on Craigslist, pronto.  They both work fine, but need ink, so who would buy them if we can’t prove they work?  Ink is freakin’ expensive, hense the reason for the nifty newish Canon printer.  We got it on sale and had a 20% off coupon to boot and the other two both needed a million (or two) dollar’s worth of ink to make them work.  The Cannon ink is much less expensive AND we can replace individual colors as they run out instead of buying a whole new color cartridge.

The different colors are about $13.00 each.  There are four different colors, including a black for photos and then a large black one that is for text.  It was $15.00.

AND, it’s cordless.  WINNER!

Moving right along.

Next we see my brand new laptop!  “What’s that?”, you say… “A new Apple laptop? Why, Krissa you must be doing extremely well at HACK to have proven worthiness enough to get yourself a pretty pink laptop that looks so much like the old Dell, yet has the Apple on it to PROVE BEYOND ANY DOUBT that it’s an Apple!…Waaaaaait a minute! Krissa!  Did you…..?”

” AH HA!  A SHAM in soooo many more ways than one!”

Yup.  It’s just a sticker I got from Kessa that was supposed to go on a teeny tiny ipod shuffle that she and The Boyfriend got for his niece.

But what else would you expect from the Head SHAM working at HACK?  

Clearly, I cannot be trusted.

*Amended to add that John pointed out that the printer is not “cordless” it’s wireless!  Whatever.