HalfAsstic.com

Apparently there are some of you who are impressed by the fact that my rambling… goes off in so many directions.  You know, I go on about such differing stuff in the same post.

Are you sure this is a good thing and not just a sign of, well, at the best, disorganization, and at the worst, dementia?

I have to admit that I feel like it just comes from being really, really disorganized.  Not so much around here, but in my leetle head.  You should see me write.  Or rather I should see YOU.  I am intensely curious.

With me there is usually a lot of cutting and pasting and deleting and rewording.  It seems like not much flows that doesn’t get a major overhaul before it’s done.  Oh, and I never title it until it’s finished because it’s so strange by the time it gets done the original title never really fits anymore.

Is it like that for you?  I mean whether or not you blog, cause I have a few readers that I don’t think do it, but I could be wrong and they just don’t want me to find them.  Yeah.  That’s probably it.

Well I have just reread that and decided that I won’t go back and fix anything except spelling mistakes.  And believe me when I tell you that if I didn’t check for that you could come away not knowing that I said anything at all.

So please let me hear from you and tell me how do you do it?  And no.  This is not a cop-out on a post.  I really am curious.

Well, the good news is… I’m not dead.  I have just been on hiatus, hanging out with Mither and Pop.  They are down visiting and we are having a grand time.  We don’t have any big projects planned for this trip and so it has all been fairly relaxing.

While I have been relaxing a bit, it seems like I have fallen further and further behind on reading my blogs.  I am sooo sorry!  I have not forgotten you people and will get back soon!  At least I will be able to see when I begin trying to get caught up!

I have gone to the optometrist and gotten a prescription for my eyeballs.  Would you believe that my first pair of glasses is going to be bifocals?  How blind am I?  Well, I’ll tell you.  My distance is .25 and my closer up in your face is 1.75.  No.  I don’t know what that means either.  But I know I have to have bifocals.  I am getting the line-less kind, with a far, mid and close range seeing area.  I wasn’t so interested in seeing mid range as interested in NOT looking like I had on bifocals.  Did I mention that this is my FIRST PAIR OF GLASSES?  I was a little staggered.

Speaking of staggered…  I have a… family(?) situation that smacks of reality tv, like nothing else.  Think smutty, like maybe, Temptation Island meets The Girls Next Door.  Only no one is that attractive.

You may remember me referring to Auntie-poo, before.  She is Mither’s sister and my favorite person in the world, (Mither is sitting here insisting that I make it understood, except for her.).  Well, she has a son, my cousin, actually, who has a wife that is a true piece of work.  My cousin came home from work a month or so ago and his slutty wife told him she wanted him to move out that she had been communicating with a guy who is in prison and she loved him and they were going to get married.  As soon as he gets out of prison.  Come to find out this is going to have to be a June wedding, 2009.

June weddings are nice.

Anyway, getting back to my cousin, he has three children with this chick and was heartbroken enough.  She then proceeded to tell him that years ago right after their last child was born she was corresponding with another guy on the internet and they decided to meet at a Jack in the Box.  She told him that they had sex in the bathroom there.  At Jack in the Box.  When they met.  For the first time.

I can’t seem to wrap my leetle brain around this.  Maybe I’m not creative enough to think this “outside the box”. (Pardon the pun.)  But let’s consider this a minute:

1. When meeting for sex at Jack in the Box with a man that has never been met before does one just assume the restaurant facilities will be adequate?  Or does one hope the, ahem, gentleman has a van?

2.  In which restroom is the dirty deed carried out?  I mean Men’s or Women’s?  Miss Manners would definitely have something to say about this.  Or Emily Post.  If she wasn’t dead.

3.  If you are ensconced in a bathroom at Jack in the Box with your… lover, conquest, intended, slutmuffin, are you concerned with the type of paper towels offered?  I mean if it’s an upscale establishment with a roll of paper towels, that’s one thing.  You could roll those out on the floor and not have to worry about missing gaps in the coverage.

4.  Do you bring your own paper towels?  Oh dear.  Would this seem presumptuous?  Now, we wouldn’t want to give the wrong impression.

5. If left with only the folded paper towels that pull out of the dispenser one at a time, what do you do?  Move the party to the counter?  Sink?  Standing?

6.  Is there a lock on the interior of the door in the Jack in the Box restrooms?

7.  How long to you do “it”?  Too long and there will be people making racket outside the door and that will put a real damper on things.  Too short and your partner will be very unimpressed.

8.  What’s the rule about how old or big you can be to use a changing table?

9.  When it says “Family” on the door of a restroom, does it mean just relatives?

10. When it says “No shirt, no shoes.  No service” does it mean panties are optional.

11.  John wants to know, “Do you get fries with that?”

You know Witchypoo over at Psychicgeek has an advise column that I’ve been toying with different questions for here for a good while, now…  How do you think she’d answer,…..?  Hummmm.

Yes.  Me memed.  But, it’s been a while so I will lovingly embrace this, er, cough, cough, opportunity.  To be honest, I had no idea what kind of blog fodder I was going to yank out of my ass dig up for today anyway, so this was quite opportune.  Let’s see… I went in to the doc for my well woman exam yesterday… I know we ALL want to relive that!

Right.  Moving right along, then.

My dear friend, Angie, over at Big Hair Envy tagged me and I’m really glad she did.  There are rules and things to do, and of course, my favorite part, people to tag, so I’ll get to it.

First of all, THE RULES!

1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 random or, (in my case), weird facts about yourself.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and link to their blog.

4. Let each person know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

There.  So far so good.  Now here are seven trivial bits of crap priceless bits of information that are juicy nuggets of knowledge sure to help you win at that next game of Trivial Pursuit.

Ahem.

1.  I detest rudeness.  And yet, I am always worried that someone will perceive me as being rude.

2.  I had a tiny toy poodle when I was a little girl named Blossom.

3.  I am very short-waisted.

4.  I tend to be a grammar snob.  I silently correct everything in my leeetle head…and then look down my nose at the offender.

5.  I am a horrible speller.  A spelling snob should attack me!

6. I get around to dusting immediately when I notice someone has started writing in it.

7.  I think some of the cattier messages written in the dust on my furniture are a clear sign that the author HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS AND NEEDS TO PICK UP A FEW EXTRA CHORES, LIKE, OHHH I DUNNO, DUSTING!

OK, step number 3!  And the poor saps winners are:

Roger at A Screed in Time

SSG (not to be confused with MSG) at (Sometimes) Serendipitous Girl

Ree at My life as a Hotfessional

Tink over at Pickled Beef

Karen at The Rocking Pony

Tranny Head over at Law School Sucks (and So Do Lawyers)

Colleen at Wine Please

Now I’ve got to get around to contacting you guys!

OK, bear with me people!  This is not as painful as you might originally expect.  This brings us to step number 4 where I alert everyone to the awful truth that they have been memed and the good news is… envision drum roll… It’s not jury duty!  So buck up, and pass along the pain joy to your other good friends!  It’s the American way!

After my doctor’s appointment yesterday I spent the rest of my time away from the home with a girlfriend of mine helping her get her house ready for some guys to come and do some demolition.  Tearing out paneling, carpet and walls.  I am excited for her and also a little bit fearful.  I am worried that there’s going to be big trouble because she has nothing in writing saying when the re-construction will be over with, or even begun.  She trusts these people because her sister uses them and vouches for them, but contractors are FAMOUS for doing a super quick tear out for half the agreed upon amount and not ever returning to finish the job.  Or putting you off for months while you live in a shell of a house.

We will see.  I will pray.  Baby will grin.

Greetings all!  You may, (or, may not), have noticed that I have a new site in the old blog roll.  A Piece of My Mind is a site inhabited by Maria, an uber cool environmental conservationist  I “met” on Plurk a while back.  It really is inspiring to read about her own exploits in the area of trying new things and new ideas about all areas of conservation.

Have any of you ladies ever heard of a Diva Cup?  Maria discusses the use of one and the benefits of it.  Well, that little gizmo may just be the best thing since sliced bread.  Here is her first post on the “non-absorbent menstrual cup”.  The Diva Cup is also environmentally friendly because it is reusable and not disposable.  Read about it and tell me what you think.  If I had any need for it whatsoever I would have one ordered right now.  I had a thermal ablation several years ago and am done with periods.  (Yet, I still have ovaries, uterus, tubes, all my bits and pieces, and there was NO cutting.  Quite possibly the best thing ever for people who don’t want any more children and have a healthy reproductive package. It was an outpatient procedure with minimal recovery time.)   I am going to show the info on the Diva Cup to Kes and Keelan and see if either one will consider it.  They are both on Depo Provera shots due to their intense dislike of periods, but neither one wants to continue since the injection of hormones into their little bodies causes weight gain and huger than normal boobs.  I am thinking this new cup method may be the way to go.

Now, watch out for whiplash while I attempt to segue into another conservation area.  Just a very slight change in subject…

My hot water heater is at one end of my house and my dishwasher at the other.  (Still with me?)  I use it only when it is full and don’t use the “pot scrubber” cycle, just the “regular” one or the “light”.  The dishwasher repair guy said to cut down on the electric bill make sure the hot water is flowing in the kitchen sink before turning on the dishwasher so it doesn’t have to use so much electricity to heat the water to the proper temp before filling.  HOWEVER, I have to run water through my tap for a good couple of minutes to get the hot water to that end of the house.  My environmental question is this: In this case is it better to save electricity or water?

I gotta go over to Maria’s site and alert her to my concerns and see what she thinks…

Would you believe me if I said that I’ve been cooking, baking, and cleaning non-stop for the past few days?  No?  Well, that makes you a smart little cookie, doesn’t it?  If I had a gun to my head and some yo-yo telling me he’d shoot if I didn’t account for my time, I’d be a dead, domestic failure…rather than just a domestic failure.  I guess I’m saying things could always be worse.

I did manage to get a few things done today.  Sweeping the kitchen, breakfast area and utility room and doing my version of mopping to all of those freshly swept areas.  This entails walking around with a spray bottle of one sort of cleaner or another and a handy wipe, bending over spots, squirting, wiping, and moving on to the next spot.  Hey, don’t laugh.  My floor is clean…er.  I put things away left and right that have been slowly piling up for ages and cleaned the kitchen, and did several loads of laundry.

Got H on the bedpan not once, but two times for a grand total of two poos.  This normally throws her into a tailspin.  As I have discussed here before an unscheduled poo, or U. P. is a force of nature to contend with in this house.  She was reciting some panicky sounding prayers the second time I put her on, but other than that she handled it well.

John worked a “close” today and will be home about 11:00 or midnight.  He is enjoying his new boss and things are going smoothly so far.

Yesterday I asked him if he had chased any shoplifters through the parking lot lately and he replied, “No, I’m too fat and old for that.”  To which I immediately responded, “Your not fat.”  He groaned at me.  Seriously though, he’s getting older everyday, but he has lost a lot of weight lately.  He says he’s getting down to his “fighting weight”.  heh, heh, heh.

Pop is going into the hospital next Tuesday to have a defibrillator implanted just under the skin in his chest.  It is a battery operated thing that has two little wires that will be attached to his heart and if it stops beating or falters it will shock it into rhythm.  I don’t know much more than that about it.  Mom will ask more questions, I am sure.  I am wondering how long the batteries last and what changing them entails.

I guess that is all I’ve got to report at the moment.  I haven’t been doing much of anything or feeling like doing anything.  Very blah.  I haven’t even been Plurking.  I have also been neglecting reading the blogs!  And that is very bad of me, for shame and all that stuff!

I’m gonna try to get my shit together and get back here sooner!  Promise.  And I’ll try to have something to say.

Candy has zapped me with a meme of some complexity.  This is ever so much harder for me than the other ones I’ve done.  I am sure I can think of…something.  It’s a bucket list of sorts.  I am supposed to think of 8, (EIGHT), things I want to do before I die.  I have pretty much always lamented my lack of imagination in this department.  I am very much a “live in the moment” type of person and when something good happens it’s just a happy blessing that I wasn’t expecting, for the most part.  I don’t usually day dream about things that are too terribly far outside the norm.

Well, here go’s.

1. Travel with my family to Italy to visit family and friends there.

2. Pay off this house.

3. See my children happily married to wonderful husbands.

4. See John retired and taking up something FUN with me to fill our time.

5. Learn how to lead stained glass to make a panel to hang in the window in my bathroom.

6. I would love to make a significant, positive difference in the life of another family.

7. Get my license again.

8. Lose 25 lbs… and never find it again.

Now for those poor saps lucky chosen few!

Angie over at Big Hair Envy

Karen at The Rocking Pony

(Sometimes) Serendipitious Girl

Colleen at Wineplz

Claire at Claire and me

Roger at A Screed in Time

Moo at Moo’s Moo

Mike at Speak into the Mike

Now, I’ve got to get to everyone and let them know they’ve been, trapped in my evil scheme picked!

I was reading Moo’s Moo a little bit ago and she has an interesting meme idea.  She wants to know who our girl crushes are.  Well, I’ve got a few, and they are, I am sure you will agree, luscious women.

Go on over to Moo’s and check out her list as soon as you see these!

1. Audrey Hepburn

2. Tina Fey

3. Elizabeth Hurley

4. Mary Louise Parker

5. Candice Olson

6. Keira Knightly

7. And of course no hot girls list would be complete without…

Margaret Thatcher

BAHAHAHA!

I totally didn’t intend to post anything today.  Just not even bother.  I am bored and mildly cranky, and this is what I’m down to.  Boring you with… what?  Oh.  I forgot.  I have to actually have something to SAY.  Whatev.

Was over at Moo’s Moo earlier and she has an interesting idea that I am very enthused about her pursuing.  She is toying with throwing up a mommy forum of some sort for moms to discuss speech problems of their developing toddlers.  Looking around there are lots of people hitting her site and linking to other sites that are popular with moms with this problem.  They’re not all originating at her site, but when you link to the ones she mentions it is evident that there are a lot of moms out there that are very concerned and want to hear from other mothers with similar issues.

The general consensus of the commenters was very positive and supportive, but, she is concerned with how to do it.  She says she isn’t computer savy enough.  I hope she finds the help she needs.  Anybody?

OK, I know I spent a good deal of my time going on and on about not having anything to post about in the last one…And yet. Now I have a good reason to say something.

Ree, over at Hotfessional is helping promote a very worthy cause. How would you like to help War Child, the child protection agency for children in war-afflicted countries?

Definitely worthy. The revenue raising is being done with the sale of a book that promises to be a very good read. I am ordering one ASAP. Click here to read about it and buy 5 or 6 or 10 today. It really does sound like they would make great gifts.

Oh my. What a strange little group we are. I was reading Tranny Head’s post over at Law School Sucks and she was discussing her reader’s search terms. There are some rather unusual ones for her site. So I thought I’d check mine. Here’s a rundown.

“Krissa Lopez” came in first with 155 hits. This is a cheat for me, as there is a fairly popular Southwestern artist in New Mexico named Krissa Lopez. Yup. That right there is weird enough.

“Electronic shipping received” got 2 hits. Huh?

“4 permanent teeth pulled” got 1 Ewwww.

“Export smoke” got 1. I can only assume someone wanted to ship cigars out of Cuba.

“half ass award” got 1. Not gonna touch that…

“halfasstic” got 1. Gee, ya’ think? What I don’t understand is it says 138 under “pages/visit” Don’t know what that means as I have no where near 138 pages. Anyone?

“horse gestation 350 days” I had checked that at the time and I was like at the very bottom of the 5th page of google hits. Why click me?

“pre jowl implants” scored 1 hit. Really?

“purse fetish” got 1. I really don’t want to even know.

“semper donates” got 1. Some other parent wondering “Huh?, You got nominated for what?” I can relate.

So there you have it. Over all I am sorry for the person who got only a “half ass award”.