HalfAsstic.com

I am sorry there was no post for “Fecal Friday”. I was not here and, truth be told, I dealt with no poo yesterday. How did I escape the poo? I will tell you.

I left with my daughter about 6:00AM to drive to downtown Houston for the second day of Orientation. AND I am happy to report that I didn’t get separated from the herd. However things didn’t go smoothly to start off. We were running on schedule and Kes went out to start the car while I collected my purse or put on earrings or some such thing. She came back in looking stricken and said, “My car won’t start. MOM, MY CAR WON’T START!” At this point John, (who was sleeping in and trying hard to get over the virus I gave him), woke up and came outside. “Kes, are you sure it’s in park?” Check. She tried to start it and it was evident it was either the battery, the starter or alternator. You know that noise…errrrrerrrrerrrrrerrrrr, nothing. So we looked under the hood and saw that one post on her battery was completely covered with corrosion. I ran in the garage and got a wire brush and came out and attacked it. With the first stroke of the brush a tiny, evil particle of…corrosion? battery acid? whatever, flicked straight into my right eye. OH MY GAWD! I have never felt anything burn that bad in my life. Not in my eye. Anyway, while I am in the house rinsing my eye out, Kes and John come to the conclusion that Kes will drive us there in John’s car and he will take our pickup to work. We were running a tad behind at this point and Kes was having an apoplectic fit to leave. (Have I ever mentioned that she is a bit… high strung? Tightly wound? Oh hell, she’s a stereotypical, type A personality. Not a lot of fun to live with sometimes.) So I run out and climb in the car with ALL the eye makeup missing from my right eye. I swear, she glanced at me, started to comment, made this microscopic head shake and started the car and backed out almost all in one move. I waited until we were almost there and the burning had subsided somewhat, to reapply some mascara. The red, swollen eye combined with my chapped red nose from the SINUS INFECTION FROM HELL, had me looking particularly…what…hungover? disgusting? I am not sure, but it was bad.

I should have taken a box of Puffs Plus with me because I sat through hours of one professor after another stress THE EXACT SAME THINGS, OVER AND OVER, while I repeatedly blew my nose into a red paper cocktail napkin. (UH Cougars, colors-red and white.) By the end of the day there was no way to tell if my nose was red from constantly blowing it into sandpaper a paper napkin, or if the color on said napkin ran and stained my nose. I lived though. Maybe because I knew that by the time I got home John would be at work as would younger child and H would have already been pooped and diapered, washed and dressed, drug into wheelchair and rolled into living room. OH! And fed!

That’s right, people. Behold. The power of the federal government, finally put to use for good and not evil. It is paying for a company named Home Health Providers, or HHP, to send a “Caregiver Provider” to our house TWO, (2) times a week! Note the title says “caregiver provider” as in providing ME, the caregiver with help. LOVE the concept. This lady does the same thing the aide for Home Health Care did as far as the bath and dressing, twice a week, BUT! WILL STAY FOR THREE, (3!) HOURS WHILE I LEAVE AND GO WHERE EVER THE HELL I WANT. WOO-HOOOOOO. So don’t call me on Tuesdays or Fridays between the hours of 1:00PM and 4:00PM. I WILL BE GONE. Probably. At the very least I will be in the bathtub. FOR 3 HOURS!

First, (and most importantly), Cecilia seems to have…recuperated. Apparently she reads my blog and while she obviously doesn’t have very good taste in literature, she makes up for it in coffee brewing skills. It must have scared her to see how unhappy I was with her performance of late and that I was considering tossing her and getting a new one to be named Roberta. She did not stop immediately after I posted that one about her, yet she immediately began to behave better. I am happy to say she has not had to be restarted in a few days now. I realize that by posting this I have not only tempted fate, I have, I am sure, challenged Cecilia and she will feel compelled to misbehave again. But it won’t last. Not when there is Roberta standing in the wings just waiting to step in…

Secondly. (Oh! Let me warn you, I have been reduced to discussing the weather here.) It finally rained and we might get some more this weekend. WOOHOO!

Thirdly, I have been taking antibiotics since Sunday. Is it a bad sign that my snot is still yellow? I don’t think it should be. I am feeling much better, but I get the feeling that when I finish this amoxicilian (sp?) it will all come right back. I am taking it religiously and correctly, too. JUST TELL ME NOW…AM I GONNA DIE WITH THE SNOT NOSE!?

Fourthly, my older daughter, Kes is at her college orientation this morning with John. (John now has the virus I had that gave me this wonderful sinus infection.) I wanted to go, too, but alas, no one to stay with H. It continues tomorrow and I will get my turn then. I have heard from John a few times since they got there and Kes once. John updated me on what they were telling the parents about the importance of the kids networking and asking questions and joining clubs, etc. In other words, Make the most out of the college experience. They stressed that a 4.0 GPA won’t be worth much if that is all they can say about their college work. Building a resume starts on day one of school. Yadda, yadda, yadda. OK. Point well taken. Now how do we beat this into her little head without causing severe visible bruising? She is pathologically shy. Stating that pains me no small amount as this surely means that I brought someone else’s baby home from the hospital. No. She is not her father’s either. And Jeez, she looks just like us. What are the odds….

John told me they parted the herd of parents and students pretty much right off with the parents going one way and students another. They had crossed paths a few times and waved or sat together. I hung up with him and in about 3 or 4 minutes Kes called and I told her I had talked to her father and she started asking where he was. As if I should know. She then went to the other line and talked to John and came back and told me he was lost because he strayed from the parent herd “so he could talk to you”. Gawd! I’m not even there and everything is my fault! So this means that the whole going to college thing does NOT guarantee she is grown out of that phase. I am beginning to think the gazillions of dollars this whole college thing is going to cost MAY not be worth it if I can’t be guaranteed I won’t be the designated bad-guy for EVERY SINGLE CATASTROPHE. MAJOR OR MINOR.

Hopefully, by now a parent wrangler has found him and roped him back in. My fondest hope at this point is that there is a P.A. system and they will say something like…”ATTENTION: COULD KESSA (insert last name here), PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND, WE FOUND YOUR FATHER AND HAVE BROUGHT HIM BACK TO THE HERD.

My fault, indeed.

Stay tuned! Tomorrow is “FECAL FRIDAY!”, where there will be lots of fun and prizes! oh joy.