HalfAsstic.com

Last night, Kes was walking, (barefoot), through the kitchen on her way to the living room when she stepped on something.  She yelled, “Oww!”, and limped over to the couch to examine her foot.

“MOM!”

“Yes, dear.  I’m right here.”, I deep sighed… (I guess I should know where she gets it.)

“Ohmigosh Mom!  There’s a piece of glass in my foot!”  She glances up and says accusingly, “You left glass on the floor when you broke that glass cake pan the other day!”

You know how Pyrex shatters, eight million gillion pieces, give or take 6 or 7.  I am STILL finding chunks of it two rooms away as it fairly exploded when it hit the ground.  Not to mention the worst part was I was taking a batch of brownies out of the oven when I dropped it.

She plucks the offending shard out and shows it to me.  “It’s huge, Mom!”

She begins to tease now, “You left it there to stab me!  I’m bleeding Mom!  Quick get me a band aid, Neosporin, and hydrogen peroxide.  Hurry, Mom, HURRY!

I am laughing at the fuss she is making and go to the bathroom to get the stuff.  While I’m in there I hear her flip open her phone and start madly texting.  She finishes up pretty soon after I get back and doctor her toe.  I asked, so, who were you texting, and she replied, boyfriend.  What did you tell him?  She flipped her cell back open with the ubiquitous deep sigh/eye roll and read,

“I don’t think I can cook dinner for us nonight, as I am wounded.  Mom has stabbed me with a piece of the pyarrhea cake pan.”

Swear to God, she flipped the cell shut and looked me straight in the face and said “WHAT?”

I couldn’t stop laughing.  And even when I told her it was Pyrex, not pyarrhea, she still didn’t see what was so funny when she thought she was just being a litte silly.

Finally.  Kessa, boyfriend, and Keelan have just departed to go to my mither and Pop’s house for the long weekend.  They left here about 10:00pm and are going to drive about 7 hours north to the Ft. Worth area.  Decatur, Texas, to be exact.  It’s a small town an hour north of Ft. Worth.  I told them that it would be a much smoother trip and less traffic if they would go late at night because with the holiday weekend, they could be in traffic for hours if they left as soon as boyfriend is off work…

None of them have done a road trip without some responsible adult driving them before.  Rightfully, they quake in fear.  I got a Texas map and highlighted the entire route and then sat down with a little yellow pad and wrote down turn by turn how to get there, what roads to watch for, informative bullshit that they will raise an eyebrow to and call me names to one another when they get to it, cause they are all full of themselves making it all the way to….oh, I dunno, Dew, Texas without adult supervision.  I told them to behave themselves going through Huntsville.  State prisons, lots of prisons.  Anna Nicole Smith lived in Mexia,(pronounced Ma-hay-ah), Texas and worked at the fried chicken place on the right side of the road.  Kes kept finding reasons to call it Mex-e-ah like the 18 year old she is, just to annoy me.  THAT’S OK, SHE’S GONE AND NANA AND POP’S PROBLEM NOW!  BAHAHAHAHAH! (maniacal laughter fading out….)

I am sure they will have a great time and they are super excited about going.  The only thing that would have made the whole thing soooo much better is if I could have gone.  SIL could have totally come and stayed with H over the holiday weekend and I really wanted to, but, I cannot picture me in the backseat of a Mustang with my knees tucked up under my chin for 6 1/2 to 7 hours.  Kes and boyfriend are driving and boyfriend is 6′2″ and certainly can’t get into the backseat.  Keelan who would be back there with me is taller than me and, her legs are even longer than mine.  Loooooong.  So, no.  I can’t do that.  I thought about us taking our Trailblazer.  It even has three rows of seats for any hitch-hikers with knives we might see to pick up.  Seemed the perfect choice, but, we need new tires and can NOT afford to outfit it with such at this point.  So no road trip for the Trailblazer.

So now it’s just John, H and me.  H is in bed and John is working late.  Guess who’s gonna be running around the house naked when he gets home?  Er, no, not H.

The stupid “caregiver provider” never showed up today. She made it out here last Friday and did the requisite 3 hour stay, only I was here for most of it. She also gave H her bed-bath and dressed her and pottied her and whatnot. It was very nice. However she is supposed to be here every Tuesday and Friday at 1:00. I called the office at about 2:00 and they called her cell phone and left a voice mail message. About 3:00 she called me and said she had been at the emergency room. She said she is pregnant and had started bleeding. Then she said she is OK they gave her some medicine. She wants to come tomorrow morning and do the whole thing then. How should I feel about someone who supposed to be preggers and having bleeding problems showing up and horsing H around and picking her up and all the job entails? I am betting her employer doesn’t know she’s pregnant. If she really is.

I was looking at Twitter and noticed that Holly over at Anglophile Football Fanatic, commented that the UPS man rang the doorbell and she went into a meltdown of sorts trying to make sure “the boy” didn’t wake up. This got me to thinking about how determined I was that my kids could sleep through anything. I thought I had the perfect plan. I wanted them to be able to sleep through any kind of noise or silence, so, every other night, for a very long time, from day one at home I left the radio on or the tv or something noise making. Not very loud, but loud enough to be heard. And every other night it was off and there was silence. Wanna know how they turned out? Well, I have to say that when they were little it did work. Noise never bothered them, but, they didn’t have to have it to sleep, either. However, now? The older one needs quiet and the younger one, noise. I AM TELLING YOU I DON’T THINK THEY’RE MINE.

First, (and most importantly), Cecilia seems to have…recuperated. Apparently she reads my blog and while she obviously doesn’t have very good taste in literature, she makes up for it in coffee brewing skills. It must have scared her to see how unhappy I was with her performance of late and that I was considering tossing her and getting a new one to be named Roberta. She did not stop immediately after I posted that one about her, yet she immediately began to behave better. I am happy to say she has not had to be restarted in a few days now. I realize that by posting this I have not only tempted fate, I have, I am sure, challenged Cecilia and she will feel compelled to misbehave again. But it won’t last. Not when there is Roberta standing in the wings just waiting to step in…

Secondly. (Oh! Let me warn you, I have been reduced to discussing the weather here.) It finally rained and we might get some more this weekend. WOOHOO!

Thirdly, I have been taking antibiotics since Sunday. Is it a bad sign that my snot is still yellow? I don’t think it should be. I am feeling much better, but I get the feeling that when I finish this amoxicilian (sp?) it will all come right back. I am taking it religiously and correctly, too. JUST TELL ME NOW…AM I GONNA DIE WITH THE SNOT NOSE!?

Fourthly, my older daughter, Kes is at her college orientation this morning with John. (John now has the virus I had that gave me this wonderful sinus infection.) I wanted to go, too, but alas, no one to stay with H. It continues tomorrow and I will get my turn then. I have heard from John a few times since they got there and Kes once. John updated me on what they were telling the parents about the importance of the kids networking and asking questions and joining clubs, etc. In other words, Make the most out of the college experience. They stressed that a 4.0 GPA won’t be worth much if that is all they can say about their college work. Building a resume starts on day one of school. Yadda, yadda, yadda. OK. Point well taken. Now how do we beat this into her little head without causing severe visible bruising? She is pathologically shy. Stating that pains me no small amount as this surely means that I brought someone else’s baby home from the hospital. No. She is not her father’s either. And Jeez, she looks just like us. What are the odds….

John told me they parted the herd of parents and students pretty much right off with the parents going one way and students another. They had crossed paths a few times and waved or sat together. I hung up with him and in about 3 or 4 minutes Kes called and I told her I had talked to her father and she started asking where he was. As if I should know. She then went to the other line and talked to John and came back and told me he was lost because he strayed from the parent herd “so he could talk to you”. Gawd! I’m not even there and everything is my fault! So this means that the whole going to college thing does NOT guarantee she is grown out of that phase. I am beginning to think the gazillions of dollars this whole college thing is going to cost MAY not be worth it if I can’t be guaranteed I won’t be the designated bad-guy for EVERY SINGLE CATASTROPHE. MAJOR OR MINOR.

Hopefully, by now a parent wrangler has found him and roped him back in. My fondest hope at this point is that there is a P.A. system and they will say something like…”ATTENTION: COULD KESSA (insert last name here), PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND, WE FOUND YOUR FATHER AND HAVE BROUGHT HIM BACK TO THE HERD.

My fault, indeed.

Stay tuned! Tomorrow is “FECAL FRIDAY!”, where there will be lots of fun and prizes! oh joy.

Sorry I have abandoned my…post. BAHAHAHA I have been extremely busy being hostess, getting ready for the big graduation and being sick.

Mither and Auntie-Poo arrived on Wednesday amid much hoopla and fanfare. (Picture parade with confetti.) We were all really, really glad to see them. They haven’t been down here to visit me in a long time. Mither usually comes with Pop to see me a few times a year, but it is a real treat when Auntie-Poo gets to come with her. The three of us together are, well, somewhere between The Three Musketeers and the Three Stooges. We always have a riotous time. We have shopped and sat around a bit and I got my heart blessed a good deal for being so disgusting and sick. The Plague will do that to ya.

Kessa has made this family so proud of her. She has worked so hard her entire academic career, to earn the honors she was presented with last night. She was also a bit excited. A very good bit. I will post a picture of her soon, as all the ones I took were on Auntie-Poo’s nifty new Nikon camera and we gotta figure out how to get ‘em outa there. She looked so pretty, though. She wore the blue robe with a white National Honor Society stole, and had a blue and white cord for graduating Cum Laude and a gold one for National English Honor Society. After the shin-dig, (OK, we ran for our lives after they called her name the second time to receive her fake diploma that she has to wait until…Monday(?) to receive her real one to put in the folder thing.), we had to get out of there to get the grill fired up for shishkabobs. We had a wonderful time and got really full. PLUS I ran no fever all day long. I do believe the worst of the virus that ate my soul and then puked it back out is over with.

Yesterday we went to World Market and bought, (between the three of us), three tins of their wonderful ginger snaps. I am not a huge fan of gingersnaps, normally. Just pretty much take ‘em or leave ‘em kinda gal. But these are the most wonderful things ever and you get a good sized tin of them for about $7.00. WORTH EVERY PENNY.

We also went shopping and I got new clothes from Mither and Auntie-Poo for my birthday. This shopping together for the birthday is a fairly traditional thing with us. It gets me outta the house and is fun and I get stuff that I know for sure I like and fits and will wear. And of course Mither and Auntie-Poo didn’t leave empty handed, either.

We are going to go to breakfast here in a few minutes. You’re invited if you want to come and I’ll pay. I feel sooooo secure in saying that as I am pretty sure readership has dropped off to next to nothing. Again, sorry for the long delay! REALLY!

Last night was Awards Night at the Dickinson High School Auditorium. Kes took home a Mathematics Scholar Award and a scholarship to University of Houston for $18,000. Needless to say her parents are extremely proud.

I took some really crappy pictures and I hate my camera. I am going to begin a new search for an acceptable replacement TA-DAY! I have been intending to get one for some time and John keeps urging me to look at this one and that one and I do and come away even more confused about what is right for me. Oh, I know what is right for me, but not within our budget. I am able to spend about $300. The most megapixil I have found for that much moola is 10, however I want zoom baby, ZOOM. Lots of ZOOM. There were some huge, scary looking cameras there last night and just glancing at them you could tell that the person could stand at the back of the auditorium and zoom in on a freckle on their kids nose on the stage. Gigantic, phallic symbol looking lenses that needed extra forearm strength to raise and turn the dials and what not and Hold, HOLD, SHOOT! Yeah, this chick’s probably not smart enough to operate anything that complicated anyway.

Kessa called me today from work all a dither because she got a DETENTION SLIP today. You would have to know what a consummate perfectionist/conformist this child is to truly understand what a completely surreal experience this makes. In her entire academic career she has never EVEN been told to be quiet, sit down or even turned in an assignment late.

She is a senior and is in all AP classes and taking dual credit classes with the collage. The dual credit classes are over now as school will be here shortly so she doesn’t have to get to class until later in the morning than a lot of the other kids. But not all of them. So she had to be at school at 8:00 for an AP final. School starts for regular classes at 7:30. Today, for some unknown reason, there was a little man sitting out in front of the building writing detention slips for everyone who went in after 7:30. She, true to her nature arrived for an 8:00 class at 7:31. He stopped her and asked her for her name and wrote her a detention slip because it was ONE minute after 7:30. She is not good with confrontation with people in authority positions, (with me being the obvious exception to that rule), so she just took the stupid slip of paper and went inside and took her final, (and aced it!), and when she went to the office to do her office aide stuff she showed it to a lady there and she laughed and said she will take care of it.

If I don’t’ have WRITTEN PROOF, TOMORROW that this is taken care of and there is nothing on her spotless record, I will go down there and find that stupid little man and he will be searching for detention slips via his ass for a long, long time.

The vet met us out there at 3:00 to check out Dandy and baby. He said that they both look good, basically. He gave tetanus shots and cleaned the baby’s naval and gave it some sort of immunity boosting stuff and we are to give her some more tomorrow. Swabbed Dandy’s hoo-hoo and checked to see if she has plenty of milk. She’s loaded. I agreed and asked if he was thirsty and he politely declined. He is nothing if not well mannered. He said that baby has just a little bit of fluid in her lungs, but, is should work itself out since she is moving around well and all. Thankfully, he said her legs will straighten out, too.

You should have seen Keelan trying to hold Dandy back while the vet and assistant were fooling with her baby. She was absolutely beside herself. She finally calmed down and stayed still, but she and baby were “talking” to each other the whole time. That nickering was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.

I may have mentioned that Keelan’s mare, Dandy, (yes, I know. It’s a weird name for a female anything), was due to deliver any day. Well, THIS IS THAT DAY! I got a call from the barn at about 6:00am and the lady said there was an extra horse in our paddock. Albeit a small one. I ran upstairs to get Keelan up and she has never in her life gotten up and out of bed that fast. We raced to the barn and there was Dandy with this little side kick thing. Usually Dandy runs to the gate to greet us when we go out there. Not this time she just stood there with her baby nickering at us like “Hey! Man, you are not gonna believe what happened to me!”

I am so proud of her. She is being a very good mother and I would like to say that the baby was born yesterday on Mother’s Day, but, she wasn’t. She still had fairly damp spots of blood and….goo on her and the bloody spot on the ground where she was delivered was still very wet . Just a few hours old, tops.

Keelan has been mulling over names for a good long time and she came up with a good one that I really like. Fine. I said “Fine?” Keelan, “Yeah. Fine and Dandy.”

I don’t know if she is going to stick with that or not. She keeps changing her mind and saying it sounds like a ghetto name. I’ve heard much worse at the race track, tho.

Any suggestions?

Dandy looks a tad on the skinny side and really so does the filly, but, I am told that this is fairly normal for a foal and her mom. They are getting plenty of grain and hay and Dandy seems to have a whole bunch of milk, so it won’t be long until they are both fat.

Now! Here are the latest pics and I bet you can’t guess what on earth I would’ve been taking pictures of…

Yesterday, I got a beautiful bouquet of two dozen tulips from Cam, Melissa and Noah. They are combo Birthday and Mother’s Day and wasn’t that sweet.