Archive for the ‘ Politically incorrect ’ Category

Boundaries.  I would first like to describe, (so there can be absolutely no misunderstanding),  exactly where Henrietta’s lie.

They are completely and utterly nonexistent. People, I have searched. They are not there. I have reason to believe they never were. Kind of like a quirky birth defect that it’s OK to laugh at, because, damn, there is nothing else to do when you have been made that uncomfortable.

Today was just the latest on her arm long rap sheet of offenses.

Keelan’s friend, we’ll call her Marie to protect the innocent, came home from college for the day and was over at the house to see Keelan. When she walked through the living room Henrietta  saw her and they exchanged hello’s and the customary, “I haven’t seen you in so long”, and “It’s so good to see you again…”, and “How’s college?”

This is all sounding so civilized and like she knows how to comport herself, right?

I started feeling uncomfortable and was slowly realizing what was coming when she said, “Marie, I remember the last time you were here you had lost so much weight!”.

Ohshit, ohshit ohshit…

Then, under her breath a little but unmistakable to everyone in the room, “But, I see you’re gaining it all back.”.

Damn. The poor girl had almost made it to the stairs, too.

Every time one of her nieces is down from New York to visit she makes a comment about her weight.  Every. Single. Time. Only she is, only slightly, a little less affronting with her. The lady is extremely overweight and I would guess you could say “morbidly obese”.  Henrietta asks her if she’s trying to diet on each visit.

She comes from New York.  A milliondy-thousand miles away for this.

Yes, we’ve got such genteel, charming, southern breeding down here. And then there’s Henrietta.

Oh! Wait a minute! I was about to sign off when another unforgettable moment sprung to mind. Several years ago, when H was on hospice, her nurse  was a dear lady in her 60’s that we all became very fond of. She still comes over to visit from time to time and I run out to have lunch with her here and again.

Of course Henrietta got to know her life’s story by asking one obtrusive question after the other back when she first started coming to pay professional visits to her. She was very close to death at that point, yet not so close that she couldn’t be nosy. I am fairly certain there is no such place.

After knowing her for a few weeks and ascertaining that she was 63 and had never been married, she popped up and asked her if she was a virgin.  I almost fell over. To her credit, Connie, the nurse, snapped back, “Well, sure!” and gave her something to think about.

You know, over the years, even with Connie and I referring to her girlfriend that lives with her and everything, she still doesn’t get it that Connie’s gay.

I bet I could blow her mind with that. 🙂

Stupid Criminals part 1

Remember Jay Leno’s Stupid Criminals segments?  When he would regale the audience with tales of how someone got caught breaking into a house because they made it halfway through the dogie door and got stuck there?  Or was holding up a liquor store and trying to steal liquor too and when told that they needed to be over 21 to take the liquor, they handed over their license and even forgot to get it back?

There are many more of these.

John comes home from work fairly often with some doozies.  There is no end to the funny, and sometimes a little sad, tales of stupid criminals.

Take, for instance, the other day when a young kid was spied taking a box of Extenze (male “enhancement” product), off a shelf and putting it in his pocket. This crap sells for $40.00 a box.

John was waved over and he more or less stalked the guy until he got spooked and went into the bathroom.  John followed and the kid was immediately leaving.  John stopped him and gestured to the trashcan where the empty box was.  The boy denied everything and so was asked to step into the office.  He continued to deny that he had taken the box or that he had taken the blister packs out and had them on him.  John told him to just give it up, because the cops were going to be called and they WOULD get it back.  Nothing.  Complete denial.

The cops show up and, eventually the kid strips to his skivvies.  John said the cop told him, “Don’t take off the underwear!”  Anyway, they were tightie-whities, so it was evident it wasn’t in there.

Then they pulled out the big guns.  They called The Mama.  Tears were shed upon hearing this.  Mom showed up and he finally admitted taking the box and that when he got it into the bathroom, he discovered that someone had already stolen the contents.

This boy is 17 years old, just graduated from high school, 6’5″, has basketball scholarships to colleges, and stole a box of Extenze.

That was empty.

And he was a black kid, too!  Doing absolutely nothing to uphold the stereotype.


It was a misdemeanor, so I don’t think it’s going to hurt his ability to use the scholarships, at least I hope not.  I told John it just makes me want to shake him really hard and scream at him about how stupid that was.  He assured me that The Mama was most definitely going to be doing that.

In our next installment of Stupid Criminals, we will explore the question of, “Why are we consistantly turning up $100.00 short on one till or another when different people are running them… even department heads?” And no, it’s not organized crime. 🙂

Recently, John was practically comatose from overwork and sleep deprivation, when I woke him while getting in bed and he made a remark that if given a fraction of a second to respond while wide awake and alert he would have rather died than say.  He clearly wasn’t thinking straight and it was obviously not meant to be mean spirited.  He spoke these words to me and then, promptly rolled over and fell back to sleep.

I admit to feeling a tad stung at the exact moment, but in seconds I wanted to laugh, just because it really was out of character for him to say something so critical about my appearance.

I wasn’t going to say what he said, (out of deference to him), but it really was harmlessly meant.

He reached up to my face, (I was sitting up reading), and gently touched my cheek.  As I smiled and leaned into his hand a little he mumbled, “You’re getting some deep lines here… I noticed it the other day…”.  He, quite literally, rolled over and went back to sleep.

He was touching my laugh lines.

Needless to say I was… flabbergasted and a touch peeved, (not to mention a wrinkled up old prune), and I also knew, without a doubt, that he would never remember this tomorrow.  So I filled him in the next day and he was properly sorry and contrite, and had no recollection of the remark.

I shared this story with Kessa, the 19 year old child and she was incredulous.  Then a few days later, John told me that Kessa had, “ripped” him.

About what?

“Well, she started in on me about what happened the other night when I made that dumb remark to you about wrinkles and then Keelan walked in and Kes told her about it and they both jumped on me and I wasn’t sure I was gonna get out of here alive.”

HA!  My girls are looking out for me!

OK, fast forward several days to yesterday.  John and I were talking and making lists and whatnot as he was off work.  I told him I need some new  bras.  He said, Oh, Ok, or something like that.  And then made some off color remarks about why he doesn’t want me to wear them at all or some such thing.

After that he casually mentioned that it wasn’t too long ago that I got new bras and I agreed that it wasn’t that long but they really don’t do that much for me and I have my eye on one that will get ’em up there.  He then looked at me and said “What do you mean?”.

I was in a nightgown and said, “Well, they’re here…and I want them somewhere higher.  Don’t you think?”

He immediately opened his mouth and snapped it shut like he was trying to catch flies.  It’s a wonder he didn’t bite his tongue off.  He then squinted a little, looked slightly pained and very slowly said, “Where do YOU want them to be?”

Heh.  Yeah, he may be careless from time to time but, he’s not that stupid!

Other O development Os?

In worry of a lawsuit respect for my Mexican readers, (I have none that I know of), I have titled my post in… Spanish(?)

Whatever.  My political corrected-ness doesn’t go too terribly far.  Ashamed for my “slander” of my SIL’s wetback boyfriend?  Not entirely.

OK, not really at all.

The afore mentioned wetback is a very nice guy and holds a job in a mechanics garage and really wants to get me alone without my husband around learn better English and pay taxes.

Yes, he does in fact stare at me and make me feel quite uncomfortable from time to time.  Even some of the other members of my family have noticed it.  Yet, he always wanders outside and finds something useful to do while the SIL is here.  Mow the lawn, clean out the garage, weedeat.  Whatever he can find.

So hell yeah, I tolerate leering!  I have told John more than once that if he wants to, try out polygamy,  have a three way, or just a girlfriend, it’s fine with me as long as the other chick cleans house.  And I mean good!  Not like I do.

Yeah.  I can be loose and uber cool.

Until I don’t want to.  And that’s? the tricky part.


Ongoing developments.

On Wednesday, April 29, Henrietta turned 87 years old.  There were festivities as you’d expect from a festive family like this.  I do, in fact have pictures that I would like very much to post, but this stupid thing won’t let me as the file size gizmo has pissed off the maximum load of shit thingy.  Or some such crap.  And it’s not WordPress’s fault this time.  It’s that rat bastard, Vista.

Have I mentioned how I loathe Vista?  I do.  We are getting an Apple sometime in the near future and all I have to do is find a way to finance it….  Hum.  I have children I could sell.  They are 18 and 19 now, but really, if I list them as “slightly used”, won’t that cover my butt?

Anyway, as I was saying before I got all sidetracked, H had a birthday with a beautiful cake I made and Kes iced for me and presents and whatnot.  She had a grand time.  Only her daughter never showed up or called.  So about half way through the day, I’m figuring she may have forgotten and I started trying to call her.  I left messages and never heard back from her.  John did the same from work.

The next day, Thursday, she showed up with the most gawd-awful looking pot of almost completely finished blooming tulips.  Some of them were lying over the side of the pot.    She said she hadn’t called the day before because she was out of minutes on her cell phone and she never gave any idea about why she didn’t come.

She doesn’t own a car, but drives a 14 year old piece of junk Accord that belongs to her boyfriend.  And I DO mean junk.  Rust showing through, no A/C, dings and dents everywhere.  Ugly as sin.  She always parks right in the middle at the end of the sidewalk.  We always make a point not to park there because it is directly across the street from my neighbors driveway.  It’s the elderly couple with the red door that I have posted about before.  They are very sweet and terrific neighbors.  It just makes good sense to not park right where someone has to back out.  You know, the courteous thing to do.

We should have told her not to do it too.  The man that lives there was backing out and hit that piece of junk and dented the front quarter panel.  So he rang the bell and asked me if he could talk to me and I went out and he showed me the dent and said that they were going some place right then and just tell SIL they’d be back in a little while.

So SIL called her boyfriend and told him.

Here’s where I get politically incorrect.

He’s a wet back an illegal alien.

Of course he wanted the insurance info.  **Sigh.**

She stayed here longer than usual visiting with her mother that day so that she could go and talk to my neighbor.  That’s the only good that came out of this.  He gave her his phone number and asked her to call him when she got an estimate.

That was all on Thursday and Friday SIL was calling saying that she’d talked to him and he’s supposed to be bringing a check over.

For $244.00.

To fix body damage on a car.

Yeah,  right.

John was appalled at the whole thing of course and we are both embarrassed.  So when the neighbor came over with the check, he talked to him and apologized.  When the guy left John told me that he’s going to tell his sister that he brought the check but needs a copy of the estimate for his records. He didn’t believe for one minute that $244.00 was going to fix that car either.  And, he and I both know the car will never get fixed.  It will just be an embarrassing reminder every time she comes over here of what happened and how she extorted money from our retired, on a fixed income, neighbors.

She came back on Saturday earlier than she has been here in many, many months, (1:15), and while I was surprised to see her that early, I wasn’t.  My first thought was “OK, at least she’s in time to change her mother’s diaper this time.”.

She stayed 10 to 15 minutes and left.

H promptly rang the bell to be put on the bedpan.

This is my life.

The copy of the estimate she brought looks legit enough.  It’s barely legible, but has the name of the garage stamped on it.   So… whatever!