HalfAsstic.com

Well, I didn’t post all weekend and I usually do, at least once. John is on vacation and we are trying to knock out some of these household projects. Yesterday we rented a Rug Doctor and shampooed the girls rooms, upstairs hall, stairs, living room rug and our bedroom carpet. That is every bit of carpeting and rugs in the house. Oh, and I even gave the upholstery attachment a try on the chairs in the living room. It worked great! The younger piglet daughter’s room was by far the worst. Mostly because she is guilty of sneaking her wee, small dog up there for sleepovers and not getting up in time to let her out. This particular dog has always had a tough time holding her pee and so… she doesn’t. And her owner just decided she was tired of cleaning it up and there were several pee places that just disappeared and several large soda spills AND a huge-ass milkshake (I’m guessing) of some sort spill. All gone. I feel really good about the carpeting in this house now and hey, isn’t that what it’s all about. Can I hear an “AMEN”?

John went out this morning and got two new ceiling fans and a track light for over the fireplace so H can read her paper without the lamp that should be back behind our chairs, that we need cause hey, our eyes are old and crippled too. The old track light blew up or something, and now we’ve got this shiny new one. Halleluiah! The ceiling fans are because the old ones in the L.R. and breakfast area have shorts in the light kits that we have tried over and over to fix and they just can’t be. So I guess I know what we’re going to do today. Oh, that and torture groom the hairy dog in the backyard.

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This is an actual conversation I overheard between two dust bunnies in my house. Imagine Cheech and Chong style “accents”, cause, Yes. they are that rowdy.

Hey, dude! Roll on over here and pile up with me!

Duuuude! I’m on my way!

Yeah, just a tiny bit bigger and we can make a whole new dog!

I’m pretty sure we’re smarter than these dogs.

Yeah, it won’t be long and we can take over this whole household. We’ve just gotta hide behind a piece of furniture and if that crazy-bitch looks back there she pretends she doesn’t see ya. It’s when you break free and go rolling across the floor that you get noticed.

What about that man, dude?

Naww, he’s too tired when he gets home to be picking up anything off the floor. As a matter of fact I’ve noticed that he seems in the business of leaving things on the floor. The crazy-bitch keeps doing these deep sighs and shooting him evil glares.

What about the old lady?

Dude, she’s blind as a bat. She thinks she’s living in a freakin’ palace!

Yeah, well she’s got hot and cold running crazy-bitch. They fooled her into thinking it!

Those girls though. What about them? Do they pose any kind of threat?

Are you kidding me? They live upstairs and while they are very rarely seen down here, I hear they have an entirely different breed of dust bunny upstairs. Carpet dust bunnies.

Dude, I’ve heard those are fierce!

Yeah, well, they’re breeding them big upstairs…

At this point I just stopped listening. I mean hey, I’ve heard it all before.

The vet met us out there at 3:00 to check out Dandy and baby. He said that they both look good, basically. He gave tetanus shots and cleaned the baby’s naval and gave it some sort of immunity boosting stuff and we are to give her some more tomorrow. Swabbed Dandy’s hoo-hoo and checked to see if she has plenty of milk. She’s loaded. I agreed and asked if he was thirsty and he politely declined. He is nothing if not well mannered. He said that baby has just a little bit of fluid in her lungs, but, is should work itself out since she is moving around well and all. Thankfully, he said her legs will straighten out, too.

You should have seen Keelan trying to hold Dandy back while the vet and assistant were fooling with her baby. She was absolutely beside herself. She finally calmed down and stayed still, but she and baby were “talking” to each other the whole time. That nickering was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.

I may have mentioned that Keelan’s mare, Dandy, (yes, I know. It’s a weird name for a female anything), was due to deliver any day. Well, THIS IS THAT DAY! I got a call from the barn at about 6:00am and the lady said there was an extra horse in our paddock. Albeit a small one. I ran upstairs to get Keelan up and she has never in her life gotten up and out of bed that fast. We raced to the barn and there was Dandy with this little side kick thing. Usually Dandy runs to the gate to greet us when we go out there. Not this time she just stood there with her baby nickering at us like “Hey! Man, you are not gonna believe what happened to me!”

I am so proud of her. She is being a very good mother and I would like to say that the baby was born yesterday on Mother’s Day, but, she wasn’t. She still had fairly damp spots of blood and….goo on her and the bloody spot on the ground where she was delivered was still very wet . Just a few hours old, tops.

Keelan has been mulling over names for a good long time and she came up with a good one that I really like. Fine. I said “Fine?” Keelan, “Yeah. Fine and Dandy.”

I don’t know if she is going to stick with that or not. She keeps changing her mind and saying it sounds like a ghetto name. I’ve heard much worse at the race track, tho.

Any suggestions?

Dandy looks a tad on the skinny side and really so does the filly, but, I am told that this is fairly normal for a foal and her mom. They are getting plenty of grain and hay and Dandy seems to have a whole bunch of milk, so it won’t be long until they are both fat.

Now! Here are the latest pics and I bet you can’t guess what on earth I would’ve been taking pictures of…

I talked on the phone with the lady that owns the stud that knocked up my baby girl. THE HORSE, PEOPLE, THE HORSE! Anyway, as I was saying before I was distracted by your filthy minds…

She said that normal gestation for a horse is anywhere between 330 days and 360 days. Can you imagine having a solid month of “it could be any day now.”? I’d kill myself. And just the thought of being pregnant for 11 months is staggering. On May 18th she will be 350 days gone, so, at least I don’t have to start worrying that we need to go out there with a can opener of some sort and pry that thing out.

Getta load of the daddy! his name is Easy Mountain Jet and he is truly beautiful! And huge!

I will post a picture of the proud Mommy as soon as I find out what Keelan did with them all….

Today is the day. At 10:45 I will be leaving to go to the dentist. I made special arrangements to get my cleaning and filling done in the same visit because it is so hard for me to break outa here for something like this. John has to take me and someone has to be here with H. When the girls are in school special arrangements have to be made for that. Cause, hey, we’re all special over here. I’m gonna get drilled and filled, I better get treated like a special freakin’ princess the rest of the day!

We’ve got to go by and see Dandy, the preggers mare. I will fondle, grope and be just basically inappropriate with her and then leave her there, confused and ashamed. I’ve turned into a high school boy.

Nothing yet.  No sign of baby.  I am just concerned. Mostly because even though she knows I’m “the chick with the feed”, I have to wonder if she is worried that I still respect her…

You may, (or may not), remember a few weeks ago when I posted about my daughter, Keelan’s, horse who is going to foal any minute now. She is gigantic and will surely have something the size of a compact car. We are watching her very closely. I don’t suppose it matters much as horses are rumored to be very shy about giving birth and it is hard to catch them in the act. A very dear friend of mine is a vet and he told me that in med school he was watching a mare that had been in labor for hours and hours and he stepped away for 5 minutes for a cup of coffee, and when he got back she had delivered.
There are supposed to be “Signs”. I read aaaaall about “The Signs”. Then when we go out I am examining her for any of “The Signs”. Her milk is in and her boobs are huge. Horses don’t normally have any boobs and she is a good D cup at this point. “The Signs” say that she gets her milk in when she has about a week to go. Check. She is supposed to “wax up”, within 24 hours of delivery. This means get milk seeping out of her teats and it dries and looks waxy. So, I groped her and apologized as I did it. (She didn’t seem to mind.) No waxing.

I will be out again this evening for more fondling. I wonder if this will change our relationship?

No. I’m not talking about some strange new sex toy. It is thundering outside right now and Kissy is in my lap as I type this. She is terrified of thunder and shakes ridiculously hard every time it rains. She will now be called Kissy-the-sissy, cause, hey, it is fitting AND it sounds melodious. Should have started doing this a long time ago.

Kissy, our little terrier/chihuahua mix, was spotted down the road, actually on the next street, by John when he was on his way back from running an errand. Of course he stopped and got her and brought her home. She was all excited and wagging and you could just hear her telling our other little dog, Baby, “Dude, you gotta escape, too! It was so cool! I just ran down the road and found where Daddy goes when he leaves and he got me and gave me a car ride home! It was fun!”

On a bright, shiny, new note…

Dandy, Keelan’s horse, is expecting next month. First few days of May. “Expecting what?” you say?  Well, judging by the size of her I’d say a Volkswagen.

Yes, I know, “Dandy” is an odd name for a mare, but she came with it.  She actually, even answers to it.

So stay tuned and next month there will be pictures of her foal. I predict many, many pictures.