Archive for the 'Keelan' Category

She doesn’t understand my brand of crazy.

Sunday, July 13th, 2008

The wee child that is in no small amount of trouble with me is at work this morning and her friend showed up to pick up an item for her.

Anna: Hi!  Keelan asked me if I would swing her iPod by for her.  She is standing in front of me waiting… Is it pluged in there,…behind you?

Me: Well, yes it is Anna, but are we supposed to even touch it, cause it seems to me that I have been told that I should not even think about touching it… Maybe I shouldn’t pick on unsuspecting friends when I am steamed at deliquent child, but I can’t help myself.

Anna: Oh, yes!  She asked me to come and get it!

Now at this point I wasn’t really planning and scheming.  Involuntary responses took over my body and I am fairly convinced I wasn’t even driving.  I reached down and picked up the iPod and unplugged it and as it came around in front of me I put it close to my face and licked the back of it.  (Not the screen.)  I then laid it down on the desk in front of me and looked Anna carefully in the eye, (Anna’s eye’s were fairly big at this point.), and said, “Anna, you be sure and tell Keelan that I did that, OK?”  She did not speak, just nodded her head with eye’s as big as saucers.

I have not heard from child and don’t think I will.  I have barely exchanged any words with her in the past few days.  But, I don’t think there is any way she will dare bring this up to me.

Oh. and If I get sick any time soon… I will know for sure where computer viruses come from.

Strangeness

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

The electricity went out for a bit tonight and we all found ourselves outside with the neighbors.  Everyone came over and re-introduced themselves to H.  The general attitude is that she is so incredibly old she MUST not remember who anyone is.  Sometimes she doesn’t.  They are all just being very nice, and I know it.  Anyway, she kept saying how hot it is and seemed amazed that you could “feel the heat rising up…”.  Keep in mind that she is extremely agoraphobic.  It is very hard to get her to go outside the door, either front or back.  I bet it has been three months since she has left the house.  But with no light or TV she really had very little choice.

Keelan was showing me a message she got from someone on her Myspace page and telling me what she was saying back to him.  She is kinda excited about this kid and hasn’t seen him since school was out.  So she is telling me what she is typing and she said, “…and a smiley face.  You know about that don’t you?  Smiley faces?  You know, semi-colon for a wink and then close parentheses?”  I thought I was being uber cool and said, “Smiley faces? Yeah…been around since the dawn of the typewriter.  Only you forgot the dash for a nose.”  She had the audacity to just bust out laughing hysterically and tell me that I am soooo old and ‘out of it’, “NOBODY puts a nose, Mom!”

WHATEVER!

How do they take the tiniest things and try to make you feel so stupid with them?  Lucky for me, I have rino-hide and it is impossible at this point.

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Henrietta did a poo in the bedpan earlier and I took it over to the cedar chest to set it down by the door to be taken out in a minute to dump in the potty, while I put the diaper on her.  However, this time when I set the bedpan down there was so much crap in the way on the cedar chest it didn’t get completely on there and fell off,  The poo is quite soft and a bit runny and it…splattered out and hit my thong clad foot.  Besides being extremely grossed out I was immediately furious with all of her relatives who keep bringing her STUFFED ANIMALS.  They are all over the place now and there is little room for anything else.  Her room has gone from being a lovely haven to looking like a nursery.  WHY do people think children’s toys are good to give to old people?  I mean when they clearly don’t have the minds of children.  They don’t play with dolls, don’t throw balls, don’t play make believe in any form, shape or manner.  She won’t let go of any of it, either, because it was given to her.  Spoken just like someone raised in the depression era.

Anyway, I did some rearranging and made enough room on the cedar chest to sit the bedpan while I finish up with the diaper and dressing and whatnot.  But, the next time the people in her family that show up, (about twice a year, they come to visit),  and bring something ridiculous to her I am seriously considering saying something like, “Oh!  A child’s bear?”  OH!, for Henrietta!  Well, I don’t know how much she’ll play with it, but it’s really cute….”  Would I be a horrible person?

Yes.  I would.

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I just saw a Twitter from Ree over at Hotfessional that reminded me of a conference call that I sat in on with John, Tuesday on his day off.  On of his buddies he used to work for called him and told him he might want to get in on it just because it was a pretty big deal.  The grocery store chain he works for was recalling ALL the ground meat that wasn’t sold in prepackaged tubes.  THREE DAYS BEFORE JULY 4th.

So I sat there and listened to all these different speakers talk about exactly what was being recalled and what wasn’t and how to handle it and sanitize the meat cases, coolers, floors, walls, ceilings, armpits, what have you.  These people aren’t fooling around.  Then there was endless questions from people that had to be the STUPIDEST people I can imagine knowing how to form a question.  “Err, yeah, this is Bob Schmob over at store 998.  When we sanitize the coolers and the knives, and the grinder and the blades and the prep tables and sink do we also clean the counter tops where the meat is cut up?”  Yes, you dumbass.  You clean everything the meat has ever touched in the history of the store.

I don’t know how many times this particular kind of question was asked and how many times the, either incredibly patient, or unbelievably stupid upper management people would once again tell them that, yes, they needed to clean and sanitize everything.

After the conference call had gone on for 65 minutes it ended and would you believe NO ONE EVER SAID WHAT THE PROBLEM WITH THE MEAT WAS.  I mean, you can guess it is probably e coli, but, for gawd’s sake, it seems like the managment yo-yo’s would have used the word ONCE.  Or someone would have asked.  No.  Of course it was on the recall site on the internet and it IS e coli, but I think it is PRETTY funny that the corporate big wigs can talk on and on for over an hour and not ever come out and say what the problem actually IS!  Typical. At least for this company.

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Earlier tonight I came in here and Keelan was on the computer doing, Gawd knows what.  I sat and waited for a bit and watched her and my eyes have gotten so bad that I could have sworn she typed “racial farts” into the googlie search thing.  No.  It was Rascal Flatts.  Do I need to get my eyes checked out?

Just call me Mommy Dearest…

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Joan Crawford’s got nothing on me.  Just ask the wee small girl child that lives here with us.  Keelan is 17 and has some unusual ideas of good parenting.  She had a friend drop in to visit her last night about 9:30 and she and this other little girl sat in here, (the riff-raff room…where the teenagers hang out at my house) and visited and talked and giggled.  The usual.  Then at about 10:00 I came in here and talked to them.  Keelan popped up and  said that she was thinking about going camping.  Oh.  OK, with (insert friend’s name here)?  Well, yes.  With her.  “When?” I ask.  “Right now.”  After playing 20 questions like this to the tune of 136 questions I finally gathered that her friend had gone to the Texas City dike in a camper with another friend of theirs that I have never even met and said friend’s parents.  She had just left the camp site to “go home and catch a shower”.  So the thinking here is that she will swing by at 10:00pm and pick up Keelan and take her to spend the night with her and all these other people that I have never even met.  When I told Keelan that I would have to talk to them on the phone I got the response I was looking for, cause there was no way she was going.  She did all the requisite stomping, whining, and fuming, explaining that it was stupid to do that and totally embarrassing to her and “How COULD I?”  Etc. And then, per normal procedure, she said, “FINE!  I just won’t go!”  To which I said, “Fine.”, and was secretly very smug.

Now who’s a bad mom and who’s a clever mom?  OK, in the name of justice I guess I should add, who’s a bad, clever, mom?  I think I am a badass clever mom.

In other world shaking news, my dear brother of Squidspot fame has relocated an award I recieved a good while back from my good friend Trannyhead over at Law School Sucks, and so do lawyers.  It is now in the sidebar as it should be.  I really should stay on top of these things, but, alas, my housekeeping, er… “skills” are carried on over to my blogdom.  Such is life.  I am not going to complain cause hey, he got it done.  Yea, Cam!

O Crap! Opossum! update #3

Monday, June 23rd, 2008

Well, last night there was commotion outside and when Keelan looked out there she discovered yet another possum.  But this one had two babies attached to her.  When I went out with my camera she was very displeased at the intrusion and hissed at me while climbing down from the table she was on.  She had one baby on her back, but…forgot the other one.  The baby left behind began frantically making this pitiful noise that I can never begin to replicate.  Momma was going as fast as she could away.  So I took the baby and put it down on the ground and went back inside, (it was definitely going to fall off the table if I didn’t).  AFTER CAREFULLY WASHING MY HANDS WITH ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP I watched out the window while she came back and retrieved it.  That’s when I grabbed the shitty camera, dashed out and took a few more shots of her making her get away.  She didn’t even give the baby she came back to pick up time to climb on her back.  It kind of rode underneath her while the other one was up on top.

They rush back and forth along the front of our house on the same little path going back to the neighbor’s fence.  I think they are living under his pool house.  SOB doesn’t have any pets so they are forced to pilfer cat food from the neighbors, (ME).  I need to bring up the problem of people not feeding their own vermin at the next Homeowner’s Association meeting.

Anyway, I located a live trap at one of the animal shelters close by and since John is off tomorrow and the caregiver provider person is supposed to be here tomorrow, we will go and pick it up and go a-trappin’.   I am very excited about the possum hunt and it promises to be a very busy catch and release night as I saw two neighbor cats up there eating in the next hour when I looked outside.  That’s in addition to our cat.   I anticipate angry cats all night long.  They may even change free buffet locations.

I know what you’re thinking.  Cats?  There are that many cats around there and yet, an old fashioned, plague situation with possums?  Yes, the cats are pretty much worthless.  HOWEVER, they are well-mannered.  They take turns at the food bowl with the possums and never interfear with their feedings.  My work here is done.

Wait!  MOOOOOOOMMY! COME BAAAAAACK!

MOM!  Why do I always have to ride underneath!?

Brother always gets to ride on top!

Look, lady…just back off and let me get to the free buffet…

You can see the little one underneath and the spoiled one on top…

Sorry about how bad the pic is.  It was pitch black dark and I was using a flash.

I was getting brave and a little closer.

DON’T LAUGH AT MY…diagram(?)! I am learning how to do…stuff.  Click to see the words bigger cause I am a loser and didn’t feel like going back into the thingy and making them bigger.   Gotta go do bedpan duty.

Sucky caregiver provider

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

The stupid “caregiver provider” never showed up today. She made it out here last Friday and did the requisite 3 hour stay, only I was here for most of it. She also gave H her bed-bath and dressed her and pottied her and whatnot. It was very nice. However she is supposed to be here every Tuesday and Friday at 1:00. I called the office at about 2:00 and they called her cell phone and left a voice mail message. About 3:00 she called me and said she had been at the emergency room. She said she is pregnant and had started bleeding. Then she said she is OK they gave her some medicine. She wants to come tomorrow morning and do the whole thing then. How should I feel about someone who supposed to be preggers and having bleeding problems showing up and horsing H around and picking her up and all the job entails? I am betting her employer doesn’t know she’s pregnant. If she really is.

I was looking at Twitter and noticed that Holly over at Anglophile Football Fanatic, commented that the UPS man rang the doorbell and she went into a meltdown of sorts trying to make sure “the boy” didn’t wake up. This got me to thinking about how determined I was that my kids could sleep through anything. I thought I had the perfect plan. I wanted them to be able to sleep through any kind of noise or silence, so, every other night, for a very long time, from day one at home I left the radio on or the tv or something noise making. Not very loud, but loud enough to be heard. And every other night it was off and there was silence. Wanna know how they turned out? Well, I have to say that when they were little it did work. Noise never bothered them, but, they didn’t have to have it to sleep, either. However, now? The older one needs quiet and the younger one, noise. I AM TELLING YOU I DON’T THINK THEY’RE MINE.

Check-up

Monday, May 12th, 2008

The vet met us out there at 3:00 to check out Dandy and baby. He said that they both look good, basically. He gave tetanus shots and cleaned the baby’s naval and gave it some sort of immunity boosting stuff and we are to give her some more tomorrow. Swabbed Dandy’s hoo-hoo and checked to see if she has plenty of milk. She’s loaded. I agreed and asked if he was thirsty and he politely declined. He is nothing if not well mannered. He said that baby has just a little bit of fluid in her lungs, but, is should work itself out since she is moving around well and all. Thankfully, he said her legs will straighten out, too.

You should have seen Keelan trying to hold Dandy back while the vet and assistant were fooling with her baby. She was absolutely beside herself. She finally calmed down and stayed still, but she and baby were “talking” to each other the whole time. That nickering was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.

New Mither!

Monday, May 12th, 2008

I may have mentioned that Keelan’s mare, Dandy, (yes, I know. It’s a weird name for a female anything), was due to deliver any day. Well, THIS IS THAT DAY! I got a call from the barn at about 6:00am and the lady said there was an extra horse in our paddock. Albeit a small one. I ran upstairs to get Keelan up and she has never in her life gotten up and out of bed that fast. We raced to the barn and there was Dandy with this little side kick thing. Usually Dandy runs to the gate to greet us when we go out there. Not this time she just stood there with her baby nickering at us like “Hey! Man, you are not gonna believe what happened to me!”

I am so proud of her. She is being a very good mother and I would like to say that the baby was born yesterday on Mother’s Day, but, she wasn’t. She still had fairly damp spots of blood and….goo on her and the bloody spot on the ground where she was delivered was still very wet . Just a few hours old, tops.

Keelan has been mulling over names for a good long time and she came up with a good one that I really like. Fine. I said “Fine?” Keelan, “Yeah. Fine and Dandy.”

I don’t know if she is going to stick with that or not. She keeps changing her mind and saying it sounds like a ghetto name. I’ve heard much worse at the race track, tho.

Any suggestions?

Dandy looks a tad on the skinny side and really so does the filly, but, I am told that this is fairly normal for a foal and her mom. They are getting plenty of grain and hay and Dandy seems to have a whole bunch of milk, so it won’t be long until they are both fat.

Now! Here are the latest pics and I bet you can’t guess what on earth I would’ve been taking pictures of…

Baby watch

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

I talked on the phone with the lady that owns the stud that knocked up my baby girl. THE HORSE, PEOPLE, THE HORSE! Anyway, as I was saying before I was distracted by your filthy minds…

She said that normal gestation for a horse is anywhere between 330 days and 360 days. Can you imagine having a solid month of “it could be any day now.”? I’d kill myself. And just the thought of being pregnant for 11 months is staggering. On May 18th she will be 350 days gone, so, at least I don’t have to start worrying that we need to go out there with a can opener of some sort and pry that thing out.

Getta load of the daddy! his name is Easy Mountain Jet and he is truly beautiful! And huge!

I will post a picture of the proud Mommy as soon as I find out what Keelan did with them all….

Message

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

I found this message on the computer screen this morning.

Dear mom,

Sorry for not spending any time with you on your birthday……

I will make it up to you I promise…..

I love you……

keelan

Aww. She does love me!

Warning: Lots of yelling…

Friday, May 9th, 2008

I am in a cranky mood and everything is getting to me today. Stuff that I usually just ignore. I took H in to use the bedpan and when I was leaving the room she said, “I’ve got my bell here, I’ll call you when I’m done.” I felt like yelling, “Of course you’ve got your bell! I have never hidden you bell! That is where your bell lives and it is always there! Yes, I know the drill because for three and a half years I have been depositing you on the bed pan and getting you off when you ring the bell. I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO RING THE BELL WHEN YOU ARE DONE! WHY MUST YOU ANNOUNCE IT AS IF I DON’T KNOW THE RULES TO THE GAME AND HAVE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE. ARE YOU AFRAID I AM GOING TO RUN IN HERE AND YANK YOU OFF THE POT MID-SHIT? CAUSE, HEY LADY, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THAT IS THE EXACT KIND OF MESS THAT I HATE TO CLEAN UP AND I WILL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO KEEP IT FROM HAPPENING! YOU COULD MAKE THE GAME SOOOO MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE BY RESPECTING THE FACT THAT I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING AND AM NOT A COMPLETE MORON. not completely.

Then I went upstairs and…eh, “picked up” my 17 year olds room. I took out a metric ton of trash and threw the duvet up on the bed and piled up all the clothes she needs to sort through to determine clean/dirty. Some stuff was still carefully folded, (by ME), and other stuff was obviously worn. Not my problem. But I basically got the room ready to be organized. I might point out that she has had another little girl living here with her for a couple of weeks and that has significantly added to the mess problem. This chick is not going to be here for that much longer and the room had better not ever get in this condition again.

But, anyway, she and same girl came flouncing in after school and trotted their happy asses up stairs to change clothes for work and trotted back down and left and NEVER SAID ONE WORD TO ME. NOT “HI.” NOT, “BYE.” NOT, “KISS MY ASS.” NOTHING.

Today is my birthday and the little brat didn’t even wish me happy birthday. I may kill her, clean up her room, and take it over for…something, for me. Yes. That’s the new plan.