HalfAsstic.com

You know. I have several friends, some of them extremely close, who have male children that are wonderful, sweet, mature for their age, able to show emotion, completely functional people that are not emotionally or psychologically stunted.

And then there are the others.

I am admitting to something here that is very hard for me. I am biased and prejudiced and probably not a decent human being. But, hey, I’ve still never had any hate mail and am waiting for it before my chest can swell up with pride and I can feel like a real blog writer!

I am prejudiced by sex.

No. This isn’t a “sexual” post. It is a sex post. Ok, that still sounds a bit creepy. Let’s try this again.

My whole life I have been around people with nice little girls and horrid little boys.

OK that’s not really true. Most of the people I have known have had it that way. I have to admit that there have been those that had very nice, sweet, well behaved, human little boys. But they were in the minority.

Not that they didn’t exist! And I am not by any far stretch of the imagination trying to say that all boys are vulgar, violent, hateful loudmouths who will do anything to draw attention to themselves…

Some of them just seem that way at times, and it throws the others in the fire.

Really, the problem is clearly MINE. We wanted girls both times. We got girls both times and I think we ended up feeling superior for obvious reasons. Not so much because we trumped the “dealer”. (Two out of two… Woo-Hoo!) But because we went into this whole thing with preconceptions about the differences between boys and girls. (I still feel bad about that.)

I remember telling John and the doctor that I really wanted to know what sex the baby was because we wanted a girl and if it was a boy we needed time to get to want him as much as we already did a gitl. And we would have, too. There would definitely have been no sad faces in that delivery room if the thing had popped out with a penis.

But we were forewarned and happily anticipating our first and second daughter.

Now comes the part that you are going to suspect is fiction more than fact.

I swear, I am telling the God’s honest truth.

Those two were the most perfect babies and toddlers that you have ever come across.

There is 17 1/2 months difference in their ages and they were thick as thieves in their early years. One did not ever do anything without the other and they constantly looked out for the other as well.

They have grown apart during Jr. High and High School, but are starting to pull back together again just as destiny dictates. They’ll be fast friends  before long and best friends for life.

I say so.

But that doesn’t make them the perfect children to raise, does it?

I swear, I am not lying, neither one of them ever had a “terrible two tantrum”, or three or anything else for that matter.

I never had to wrestle them to get them to take medicine. Even when tiny babies. I just put the foul tasting stuff into a medicine giver with a nipple on it and they made horrible faces while sucking it down. (I know, you’re wondering about intelligence here… turns out to be above average! Surprised me, too!)

They were so obedient that it made me stop and take stock and pray over and over that God wouldn’t second guess what he had given us and make it hard. Because it wasn’t. They did everything I told them to as if it was not comprehensible not to. It simply didn’t occur to them to test the system.

I feel so horrible for new mothers, or even mother’s of older children who are having a really hard time and I can’t even imagine what they’re going through.

I swear mine were perfect. I would do the entire thing again in a heartbeat.

Yes, I know the nursing every three hours was a pain and all that, but it didn’t last forever. Just a little blip in my lifetime and hers as well. Plus, I can’t say it wasn’t enjoyable. That’s the one time that I could see my daughters looking up at me knowing it’s only me that can do this for them. And it was so good to feel so connected.

They were cuddly and sweet and loved hugging and kissing. This is something that boys, in general just don’t do. (Note the “in general”, I DO know that there are those penis bearing types out there that are loving in this way, but I still feel they are very much in the minority.)

They never put anything in their mouths that did not belong. I swear, they didn’t try to eat everything in sight that would fit into their mouths. Only food that was put into a plate in front of them. They were clearly much smarter than other kids their ages in that they could identify FOOD. They had teething rings and what not and got through all that unhappy crap really early. Like, I’m not kidding you, between 5 and 12 months.

They didn’t pick up anything and attempt to make a weapon out of it. There was not beating or hitting.

Ever.

There was no screaming or yelling. They didn’t spend the majority of their time attempting to be so obnoxious that there was no way to not to notice them.

As a matter of fact they were so confident in themselves there was never any reason for them to scream.

They just calmly said what was on their mind and trusted that the world would see their insight or questions for what it was.

Heh. I like to think, “From the mouths of babes”, was coined after them.

It SO wasn’t.

I believe Jesus said it, though I can’t think why. Or what book it’s in… Oh well.

So does it make me a horrible person to feel like, just in general, girls are so superior to boys?

I am writing this while John is asleep beside me and baby is between us at the foot of the bed. She is making funny little grunting and sighing noises in her sleep. I wonder if she is dreaming of a hamburger? Every now and then she begins to run in her sleep… wonder if the burger is making her chase it?

Last night Keelan decided she was going to sleep downstairs on the rug in the living room.

No one knows why and this is good with us.

So she is lying there reading on the rug that was vacuumed two days ago and she announces that she is going to vacuum it if she is going to sleep down here.

I certainly am not going to complain.

So she goes to the broom closet that doubles as a coat closet in the foyer, (Have I ever mentioned that my house was designed by a man?), and stands there for a minute looking in.  She then reaches in and grabs something and pulls it out.

HalfAsstic Daughter: “Is this the vacuum?”

Me… dying laughing and a tad distressed at the question, “YES!” I mean how bad is THAT?  Of course it’s not the upstairs vacuum and it is also in there with a steam mop and carpet sweeper but, DAY-UM!  “IS THIS THE VACUUM?” is NOT something you want to hear your 18 year old daughter ask you.

So shoving the feelings of inadequate parenting aside, I ribbed her unmercifully for a moment or two and she giggled good naturedly.

She also picked up her cell phone immediately and began texting what had happened to J, her new boyfriend.  I told her not to let him know she can’t identify a vacuum cleaner and she promptly replied, “As long as HE knows what a vacuum looks like, we’re golden.”

I take it he will be doing the vacuuming in her daydreams of the future.

I don’t know if I ever mentioned it on my soggy bloggy or not, but the last time I was visiting Mither and Pop, my glasses got broken. And I mean in a big way.

Note the photographic evidence:

They are missing both lenses.  And have been run over, literally.

Anyway, so all I have is this one pitiful little pair of reading glasses that are, (used to be), the right prescription for me to read with, and that’s it.  No more seeing distance or medium range for me, it’s way over rated anyway.

So John really likes my little pair of glasses.  He says they’re cute and calls them my “tiger eyes”.  I have no idea why.  I told him they are tortoise shell and he insists they are to be called “tiger eyes”.  Keelan, ever observant Keelan, has decided that if her dad is going to call them “tiger eyes” and I am saying they are “tortoise shell”, she needs to have something to call them, too and has chosen… “bunny fluff”.  You may think this odd, but it is true to nature, typical Keelan.

Well, I keep losing them cause I take them off when I need to look at anything more than 24″ from my face and I tend to lay them down.  Anywhere.  So there has been a near constant search going on for my glasses at this house.  Today I thought I left them at Target and was full of despair when we got home.  Kee heard us talking about the loss of the glasses and then John went in the bedroom and came out.  I wasn’t looking at him and all of the sudden Keelan said, “Bunny Fluff!”  He was wearing my glasses just to pick at me and I had left them in the bathroom when I brushed my teeth this morning.

So off to buy me one of these handy dandy contraptions!

Now I am better attached to my tiger eyes or tortoise shell glasses… or bunny fluffs.

Huh.  Bunny fluffs.  That Keelan does have a funny way of naming things.  John is wearing this contraption that is a defibrillator  and will be in it for the next 3 months, until his cardiologist decides if he thinks he can go without or if he needs to have a permanent one implanted in his chest.

The thing is a bit bulky and constricting and John really dislikes wearing it.  So every time he leaves the house Keelan perks up and says, “Dad! Are you wearing your flux capacitor?”

The really funny thing is she has never even seen “Back To the Future”.  Just seen lots of skits and Youtube tributes to it.  And, of course, the aforementioned “flux capacitor” is always mentioned in these clips.

Which brings me to another point.

Damn! Michael J. Fox was adorable in that movie!

This morning Keelan came downstairs and told me that The Snake died last night.  I think she really thought I’d be more devastated than I am.  Don’t get me wrong, I liked the snake.  She was fun to take out and hold and let hang out around my neck, etc.  I think I spent more time with her than anybody else simply because I’m here more.  But, love?  It’s kinda hard to get to love a snake, like you would a dog or cat or something that shows personality more.

I do, however, feel very sorry for her.  I am sure the reason she didn’t eat the other day is because she was sick.  She didn’t act any differently, but hey, she’s a snake.

I believe, with all my heart, that there is a “hair imbalance” in this house.   Both girls have WAY more than is required to be a girl, (or even a horse), and it is so long and ultra thick that they get the stares when they go out and people want to touch it.  I mean beau-ti-ful hairs.  Shiny, glossy, slippery, abundance of hair.

John?  Gettin’ a wee bit gray, and a wee bit more sparse on top.  The eyebrows are getting wilder every time I attempt to tame them, and I am guessing it won’t be long before there are a few singular hairs sticking out of his ears.

Time will tell.

Then we come to me.  I am currently dying all the gray, non-conformist, rat-bastard hairs into submission.  That is on my head, anyway.  There are other hairs that are starting to give me grief.

The last time I was putting on make up I payed close attention and I swear, God as my witness, I am getting as fuzzy as a peach on my face.  I don’t have any dark hairs.  Yet.  But my once smooth cheeks and, ahem, sideburns, are covered in soft fuzzy clearish looking hairs.  Yes, my face is very soft.  SO IS A PEACH.

I stood there looking at this.  One more step towards the grave.  AND, IT IS!   I would actually take a picture and show you IF I HAD A CAMERA THAT WOULD TAKE CLOSE UPS.

Gee.  You guys don’t know what you’re missing… heh.

Now I gotta go research facial hair removal products.  Fun, fun, fun.

Well, here I sit.  I bet you people thought you must have heard the last of me, huh?  It’s been a while!  I headed out of town on Monday to go and visit Mither and Pop.  Along with my entire immediate family!  John and both girls plus The Boyfriend for bonus!

The reason I never posted to tell you dear people that I was jumping ship was because this trip was SUPPOSED to be a secret and a huge surprise for Nana.  She knew Kes and Keelan and The Boyfriend were going to visit with her, but had no idea that I had made arrangements for H to be taken care of by my SIL and John had vacation and all the planets aligned just right and we were all going to go and be there together for the first time in years.

Sadly, I can’t seem to keep a secret, Kessa slipped up and her nana suspected that maybe John and I were going to come, too.  So, when I blew it and practically spelled it out for her when I accidently gave up a clue, she figured it out.  This was just a couple of days before we left and I was embarassed to tell the kids, because I had threatened them with certain death if they let her know and FOR ONCE they were actually scared of me I had expressed such a strong desire to keep it a secret and cautioned them…strongly, to keep it to themselves.

So Mither was in the know when  we got there.  Oh well.

We had a ball and did all sorts of things.  Not to mention we got to go and see the “new” house that’s in town and Mither and Pop have decided they want to buy.  The place they live now is so wonderful it’s hard to describe, truely a paradise, yet, it’s sooo much too much for them to have to take care of anymore.  The house is gi-normous and the acerage is too.

Time to downsize.  So this needs to be sold.  Please take a sec and click the “button” in the middle and look at all 10 shots of their place.  Tip of the iceberg.

What I’m trying to point out here is that while they are needing to downsize… BAD, it must also be a truly wonderful house.  Or as Kessa and Keelan are fond of saying, “Nana-licious”.  I’m not sure, as it’s a fairly new word and Webster’s doesn’t know about it yet, but it may be spelled Nanalicious.  I will be talking with their people any day about the next updated version of that particular dictionary.

Moving right along…

Enter the new house that Mither and Pop have their hearts set on: here.  Yes, go ahead and look at all the pics of it and tell me…  Even though the bizarre realtor seemed to be fixated on the bathrooms and the outside(?), the inside is indeed wonderful.  We broke into it took our own tour, twice and took a million pictures.  I WILL be posting some of those in a future postypoo.  They are still not even off of my camera.

Now, nobody is to dare  consider buying this particular house… (Sush!  I can too dictate this!)  But if you would like to buy Mither and Pop’s present house, I am sure they would be delighted and the “new” house is just right in town and I could come and visit you when I go and see them!  And I would, too!

Well people, this is enough for today.  I have to get these pictures downloaded and catch up on some blogs!  I am sorry I haven’t been reading, but I was visiting!

I’ll post again, soon!  Free toes, everybody!

Kessa and Keelan were sitting at the breakfast table working on some scrap-booking project that has been in the works for days.  I had finished sweeping and was running my new Haan Steam Mop around on the tile, as I had just finished doing the living room.  They were talking kind of low and I wasn’t really paying any attention to them when I heard gales of laughter and Keelan saying, “Tell Mom!  Tell Mom!”  Kessa was having a hard time finding her voice she was laughing so hard but managed to shake her head vehemently.

Then, she managed to pull herself together enough to look at me and say, “The other day I took that thing, (referring to the steam mop), upstairs and tried to vacuum with it.”  She had the decency to look a bit embarrassed as her sister and I burst into fresh gales of laughter.  I told her that I didn’t know whether to be proud of her for voluntarily cleaning up there or disturbed by her lack of knowledge of the household cleaning appliances.

Oh, she said it did NOT vacuum well at all.

Hi there, gang!  I have really been out of pocket for a while and am sorry about that.  I know I am a couple of days behind on reading blogs as well, but I plan on making that up soon.

Child b. is due to graduate tomorrow evening beginning at 7:00.  Her Nana and Pop are down here for this auspicious occasion.  Her great aunt, Auntie-poo was supposed to be here also, but wasn’t able to come.

I won’t lie to you, we are also celebrating Witchypoo’s birthday.  She has alluded to the fact that it is a “milestone birthday ending in 0″.  She never said how many 0’s…?   Heh.

My house is as clean as it has been in a very long time without being dusted yet.  Floors, spotless.  I got a new Haan steam mop for my birthday that I have been wanting.  Or maybe it was Mother’s Day… I forget since they were one day after the other this year.  Karen over at The Rocking Pony filled me in on it and she loves hers.  I can see why.

Aaaannnnyyyyyway, I love it and all my floors are clean with a minimal amount of effort and bother.

This is starting to sound like a commercial for Haan.

Moving right along.

In the morning the graduation girl, Keelan, her sister, Kessa and Mither and I are all going to eat breakfast at La Madeleine.  Both girls really love that place and it no longer feels like John and my secret place.  That’s what I get for spilling the beans about how good it is.  Anyway, all three generations will be there and it should be lots of fun.  I am really, really looking forward to it.  I will take pictures, I promise!

Boring post?  Tough shit, it’s five minutes after midnight and I am tired and can’t form comprehensive sentences.  Much less bring to mind any of the FASCINATING crap that has happened to me of late.

Good, (*yawn*) night.

To all of those of you harassing me to… dammit, post again, fine.  Here!  Happy?!  It’s Friday and no one will even read this until Monday… It’s totally useless.  UNLESS, YOU! YES YOU, THE ONE THAT HAS NEVER COMMENTED!  EVER!  Will kindly leave a comment and say that, in fact, you DID read and now feel that you can go on living until the next untimely installment.

The thing is, lately especially, I’ll have several ideas rolling around in my head, (Yes, rolling.  That’s what things do in my head…), and as soon as I sit down to post, *POOF* It’s gone.  Or at least the ability to write about it in any kind of readable way is.

This shit is so random, I don’t even feel that apologizing for it is the least bit useful.

Observe:

Keelan missed school last Monday due to puking and diarrhea.  (Dear God, please don’t let her read this.)  Then, on Wednesday she went to school and work then home again where I found her curled up on the couch with a flame red face and 102.5 degree fever.  My first thought was, “Strep throat!”.  I called and made an appointment with her pediatrician for the next day and John took her and brought her home.  He had to cut out of work in the middle of the day to do so.  (Remember, I can’t drive due to a vision blindness problem.)

He called me from the doctor’s office and told me it was just tonsillitis.  OK, this is good.

Keelan walked in the door with her father when they got home, looked at me and said, “Mom, she said it’s just tuberculosis.”

I stared at her for a moment and said, “Tuberculosis?”

“Yeah… well, something like that.”

“You mean tonsillitis?”

“Whatever.”

Then, later, in the same day, We were discussing her infancy and when she was a newborn.

“Mom, what was the matter with me?”  To which I gave her a puzzled look.  “You know, Mom… I had, gingivitis?”.

I can only say my puzzled look grew more puzzled.  “Do you mean jaundice?”

“Oh yeah!  That’s it!”

For Christmas, I’m getting her a medical dictionary.

John is on vacation this week and we have big plans.

• Fix the kitchen faucett
• Work in yard, trimming trees and mulching flowerbeds, if the rain will ever stop.
• Go to World Market and stock up on wine and smoked Gouda.
• Take my new Periodic Table of Typeface print to the frame shop and have it matted and framed.
• Buy THREE name brand dress shirts, a Chaps tie, and a pair of wonderful, sexy, new jeans for me for a total of $38.00 at Kohl’s. CHECK!
• Clean out garage

• Shop for Keelan’s birthday on Wednesday.  Eighteen years old!

Tomorrow is Monday and I think we should be half way through this list by the end of the day and have more added to it!

And we haven’t even tried to kill each other yet!

I’ll keep you abreast of the situation!