HalfAsstic.com

Hi all!

The other day, Monday in fact, John and I spent the better part of the day on a not so fun project.  For a while now every time I opened the flatware drawer there seemed to be a fine coating of flour or powdered sugar or Bisquick, something of that nature, on the utensils.  I just thought one of the girls spilled some in there and not much more of it.  After several times, though, I became suspicious.  I reached inside the drawer and wiped my fingers along the underside of the counter top.  Upon the removal of my hand I promptly threw up.   No, not really, but I wanted to.  White, powdery mold.  I grabbed a flashlight and looked in at the backs of the cabinets.  Nothing.  No water stains or mold or even cobwebs.  Very clean.  HOWEVER, when I shined my light up at the underside of the Formica it was all covered in the white mold.  So when John got home and after a little inter net research we went out and got some bleach a spray bottle and some sponges.  We removed the drawers and all of the contents of the cabinets before I spent about 5 minutes on my hands and knees with my head stuck in the cabinets spraying that bleach all over the underneath of the counter top.  Man!  That stuff burns the eyes!  We waited a while and repeated the process.  Or, I should say I repeated the process!  John has “bad knees” that bother him every time there is the need to crawl around on the tile floor.  Whatever.

The neat thing is that the mold had disappeared immediately after I sprayed the first time.  I mean not a trace of it anywhere.  Poof!  Disappeared in a cloud of… well, not mold.  Has anything like this happened to anyone else.  There was no moisture under there and never had been, and it was only on that side of the sink, not the other side.  Weird.

Well, here it is, Saturday and John’s vacation is almost over.  It has flown by and I’d like to say we got a lot done.  No.  We really didn’t, but we relaxed and did the things that HAD to be done.  The rest of the time we just chilled out and all was good.

Today we went to see Batman and really enjoyed it.  It actually had a good story line and people were dying  that you didn’t think were going to.  Not just this lame, totally predictable movie that you would expect from a comic book hero.  Heath Ledger absolutely needs to be nominated for some big award.  His Joker was the best!  Very quirky and believable.   yeah, yeah, Christian Bale is kinda cute.  Maggie Gyllenhaal seemed to look a bit like a puppy dog throughout the movie.  Her face and eyes seemed drawn.  Poorly done makeup?  I dunno.

After the movie we proceeded to run some errands and made our way to CVS pharmacy to return some diapers that John had picked up the other day that were the wrong kind.  We came in and lo and behold!  There to our left on the floor right in front of the other door was a condom.  Apparently someone had worn it around in the parking lot stuck to their shoe as it was used and quite dirty to boot.  Being the ever resourceful soul that I am, I whipped out my new Chocolate phone and fooled with the buttons and vastly confusing dials for 30 minutes before figuring out how to take a snapshot.  John was off to find a manager and tell the guy to wear a rubber glove and eventually I overcame my possessed phone and managed to take a picture worthy of a professional.  OK, maybe not.

I can only imagine what Google searches are going to lead here now…

Henrietta has been completely consumed with the death of legendary doctor, Michael DeBakey.  She has launched into gushing praise of him, in apparently mid thought, a number of times and caught me completely off guard.

While putting her to bed last night…

H: He was 99 years old!  And he did SO MUCH for Houston!

Me: …Who?

H: 99!

Me: WHO?- (I was unaware this was going to be an ongoing thing at this point.)

H: Yes!  He was!

Me: HENRIETTA, WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

H: Oooh, Dr. DeBakey!

This happened over and over with her out of the blue announcing things like, “Did you know he’s a Catholic?!”.

Just a few minutes ago I looked in the living room and she was sitting there watching the news, bawling.  I just left it and later she started going on about how “sad it is that he died…” I finally told her that was crazy and he was a 99 year old man living in a broken down little old 99 year old body and he had done enough for the world to warrant an excuse to leave and go on to better things.  Her response?

“Ooooh, (sob), Yeeeeees!”

To be such a devout Catholic, she has consistently missed the entire message about death and heaven and rewards in the afterlife, all that.  This has happened over and over with other people who have died and her attitude is always that it must be the worst thing ever.  I really don’t think she believes in heaven.  And like I said, she is a super-duper Catholic, not just your run-or-the-mill kind.  Weird.

Last night I was lying in bed watching Craig Ferguson and Holly Hunter was his guest.  I have always liked her a good deal, but I really love her voice.  Very southern sounding, but aside from her accent even, her voice is really neat.  I digress.  I do that a lot.

I wasn’t paying full attention, I was reading a book also, but somehow she started talking about a duffel bag she found along with her boyfriend on a street with a bunch of car window glass all over it and inside were a bunch of things that belonged to some guy that was taking flying lessons and had his flight logs and books and technical stuff that was probably very valuable to him.  His name was all over the things.  He wouldn’t be very hard to find.  She and her beau started walking up and down the street looking at the car windows until they found the car that had been broken in to, and by doing so they were able to locate the man who owned it inside the resturant and give him his stuff back.  At least what was left of it.

This reminded me of a time just after John and I got married and were living in an apartment in a near by town.  We were walking through the grass going home and either he or I, (I can’t remember who), looked down and found a gold mens wedding ring.  It was very old and had an inscription on the inside.  I can’t remember what it said other than a date that was a looooong time ago and three initials with the last one being a “Z”.  So Immediately I begin trying to figure out how we are going to find this little old man to give him his ring back, or worse, little old widow who refused to remarry and wore it on a chain around her neck for the past 20 years as a token of her undying love and devotion.  Yep, we had to find the owner.

Did I ever mention that John was a UPS driver for close to 15 years?  He was and he delivered to that area where I was living.  As a matter of fact that’s how we met, but that’s another story.

Needless to say he knew who the guy was when he stopped and thought about it, as he had delivered a package to him once.  (He also has a brain like a damn computer and never forgets anything.)  So he told me which apartment and I trotted over there and knocked on the door.  This older than dirt guy opened the door and I said “Mr. Z______?”  And he said “Yeah?”  I said, “I think I found your wedding ring!”  And I swear, this is true, he held out his hand and took the ring and closed the door.  Dirty bastard didn’t even have the courtesy to smile or look the least bit happy that his reminder of being married 50+ years was returned to him.  I was fairly devestated that my good deed was so….not that wonderful for the receipent.

Can’t help but wonder if the little Mrs. was a real bitch and he threw that ring down on the way to the car.

The electricity went out for a bit tonight and we all found ourselves outside with the neighbors.  Everyone came over and re-introduced themselves to H.  The general attitude is that she is so incredibly old she MUST not remember who anyone is.  Sometimes she doesn’t.  They are all just being very nice, and I know it.  Anyway, she kept saying how hot it is and seemed amazed that you could “feel the heat rising up…”.  Keep in mind that she is extremely agoraphobic.  It is very hard to get her to go outside the door, either front or back.  I bet it has been three months since she has left the house.  But with no light or TV she really had very little choice.

Keelan was showing me a message she got from someone on her Myspace page and telling me what she was saying back to him.  She is kinda excited about this kid and hasn’t seen him since school was out.  So she is telling me what she is typing and she said, “…and a smiley face.  You know about that don’t you?  Smiley faces?  You know, semi-colon for a wink and then close parentheses?”  I thought I was being uber cool and said, “Smiley faces? Yeah…been around since the dawn of the typewriter.  Only you forgot the dash for a nose.”  She had the audacity to just bust out laughing hysterically and tell me that I am soooo old and ‘out of it’, “NOBODY puts a nose, Mom!”

WHATEVER!

How do they take the tiniest things and try to make you feel so stupid with them?  Lucky for me, I have rino-hide and it is impossible at this point.

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Henrietta did a poo in the bedpan earlier and I took it over to the cedar chest to set it down by the door to be taken out in a minute to dump in the potty, while I put the diaper on her.  However, this time when I set the bedpan down there was so much crap in the way on the cedar chest it didn’t get completely on there and fell off,  The poo is quite soft and a bit runny and it…splattered out and hit my thong clad foot.  Besides being extremely grossed out I was immediately furious with all of her relatives who keep bringing her STUFFED ANIMALS.  They are all over the place now and there is little room for anything else.  Her room has gone from being a lovely haven to looking like a nursery.  WHY do people think children’s toys are good to give to old people?  I mean when they clearly don’t have the minds of children.  They don’t play with dolls, don’t throw balls, don’t play make believe in any form, shape or manner.  She won’t let go of any of it, either, because it was given to her.  Spoken just like someone raised in the depression era.

Anyway, I did some rearranging and made enough room on the cedar chest to sit the bedpan while I finish up with the diaper and dressing and whatnot.  But, the next time the people in her family that show up, (about twice a year, they come to visit),  and bring something ridiculous to her I am seriously considering saying something like, “Oh!  A child’s bear?”  OH!, for Henrietta!  Well, I don’t know how much she’ll play with it, but it’s really cute….”  Would I be a horrible person?

Yes.  I would.

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I just saw a Twitter from Ree over at Hotfessional that reminded me of a conference call that I sat in on with John, Tuesday on his day off.  On of his buddies he used to work for called him and told him he might want to get in on it just because it was a pretty big deal.  The grocery store chain he works for was recalling ALL the ground meat that wasn’t sold in prepackaged tubes.  THREE DAYS BEFORE JULY 4th.

So I sat there and listened to all these different speakers talk about exactly what was being recalled and what wasn’t and how to handle it and sanitize the meat cases, coolers, floors, walls, ceilings, armpits, what have you.  These people aren’t fooling around.  Then there was endless questions from people that had to be the STUPIDEST people I can imagine knowing how to form a question.  “Err, yeah, this is Bob Schmob over at store 998.  When we sanitize the coolers and the knives, and the grinder and the blades and the prep tables and sink do we also clean the counter tops where the meat is cut up?”  Yes, you dumbass.  You clean everything the meat has ever touched in the history of the store.

I don’t know how many times this particular kind of question was asked and how many times the, either incredibly patient, or unbelievably stupid upper management people would once again tell them that, yes, they needed to clean and sanitize everything.

After the conference call had gone on for 65 minutes it ended and would you believe NO ONE EVER SAID WHAT THE PROBLEM WITH THE MEAT WAS.  I mean, you can guess it is probably e coli, but, for gawd’s sake, it seems like the managment yo-yo’s would have used the word ONCE.  Or someone would have asked.  No.  Of course it was on the recall site on the internet and it IS e coli, but I think it is PRETTY funny that the corporate big wigs can talk on and on for over an hour and not ever come out and say what the problem actually IS!  Typical. At least for this company.

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Earlier tonight I came in here and Keelan was on the computer doing, Gawd knows what.  I sat and waited for a bit and watched her and my eyes have gotten so bad that I could have sworn she typed “racial farts” into the googlie search thing.  No.  It was Rascal Flatts.  Do I need to get my eyes checked out?

Well, today was the day I returned to the house of horrors for my two fillings.  This all went down without a hitch and I also got a cleaning again although, it wasn’t as involved or heavy duty because I had just had one a little over a month ago.  Anyway he shot up my mouth with Novocain and drilled and filled and sent me outa there.  I got home and ran around with John a bit and eventually looked in the mirror when everything was starting to wear off and I have a half dollar sized bruise on my cheek!  This has never happened to me before and I don’t know of it happening to anyone else.  My doc is a very gentle dentist and wasn’t in a rush or anything.  I was completely aware of everything that happened, but on the side he was working on I have this large blue bruise.  My kids keep making fun of me and telling us that “Dad finally got tired of the lip you’ve been giving him and belted you one.  (hysterical laughter)”  I assured them that if that was the case I would have been dead years ago.  Yet they persist. (They, clearly, don’t know on what side their bread is buttered.)

This reminds me of a similar incident that happened years ago that should have made John very uncomfortable to be seen with me in public.  I know I felt more than uncomfortable.  I, for no apparent reason, out of the clear, blue sky, got an incredible allergic reaction to….something.  We never did figure out what and believe me, if it had continued to happen I would have had ALL kinds of tests done.  It happened during March one year and wasn’t that severe and then in April the next year it came back and I thought I may as well be dead.  It was a full blown HORRIBLE allergic reaction that made Michael Jackson look pretty damn cute in comparison.  My whole face blew up and except for actual discoloration from bruising, I looked like someone had beaten the holly hell out of me.  I looked ridiculous.  I applied HUGE amounts of makeup and did up the eyelashes…  No.  Nothing was going to detract from this.

John swore he wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with me and I assured him that EVERYBODY thought he had beaten me.  No.  He didn’t care.  But I did!  It was so strange to see all these people looking at me with so much pity.  The same way I might have looked at someone that looked like me…

It only lasted a couple of weeks and slowly went away.  I cried it was so awful.  I remember thinking I might always look like that.  It was a truly BAD time of my life.

OK.  Here I am in aaaall my glory.  You’ll have to excuse the hair and nightshirt, but other than that, it’s almost as bad as it got.  And I was trying HARD to open that left eye for this picture.  And I was SMILING.  Can you tell?  No need for collagen injections here!  My lips were HUGE!  While one eye was swollen shut the other had this huge, unusual bag under it.  I had…something collecting in spots all over my face.  I remember calling the allergist and CRYING to the receptionist over the phone that they HAD TO GET ME IN THERE.  They did and I got a shot.  The first thing that happened is my face started getting narrower, then it all started fading and I finally looked human again.

Shudder.

1. When it’s raining like this I love to clean house.  Well, maybe “love” is a strong word to use, but I like to,  Wonder why?

2. I wonder who has been reading my blog for so long that lives on or near Long Island NY.  They have been reading almost everyday since day one, and I don’t think they have ever commented.  I wanna know you people!  Er, HI!  Leave a comment for goodness sake!  Introduce yourself.  I can be very nice and not too terribly scary at all.  Well, when I’m really trying, anyway.  I swear I won’t stalk you!  Not any more than I already have….  M’k?

3. I wonder how many calories I eat every day in nothing but CARBS.  I loves me some pasta and rice!  Oh Oh! and bread and pretzels and popcorn!  I need an intervention.

4. I wonder what ever happened to our Maine Coon cat.  He just decided to stay down the road at someone else’s house a couple of months ago and he would show up here and eat occasionally but not often, because she was feeding him too.  We would see him laying about in people’s driveways and yards also.  But for the last few weeks he hasn’t been spotted.  Is somebody feeding him better food than us?   He always was fickle.

5.Our cell phone contract is up this month, (Hallelujah!), so long Cingular/ATT!  I think we are going with Verizon…wonder what phone to get?

6.The (now, mama) possum visiting our cat food is going to be caught tomorrow night as I have located a live trap and we will swing by and pick it up tomorrow on John’s day off.

7.  Amazing how greened up everything got when it finally rained.  It looks like spring outside instead of summer.

8.WHY is it like pulling teeth to get out of here.  I want to leave NOW.  We actually can leave NOW and yet John is in there cleaning up the kitchen or piddling on the computer in the bedroom or something and it’s always “just a minute…”.  I swear if he wasn’t so damn cute…!

9. No Possum Trapping Tonight!  John had the good sense to call the animal shelter place in Texas City and ask if they had any live traps available, (they are out right now), before we went all the way over there and came away empty handed.  DAMN.  I was all excited about going trappin’ and I’ve been practicing my east Texas/redneck accent all day! GONNA CATCH ME SOME POSSUM, AND COOK ET AN FIX ME SOME VITTLES, YA’LL.

Well, last night there was commotion outside and when Keelan looked out there she discovered yet another possum.  But this one had two babies attached to her.  When I went out with my camera she was very displeased at the intrusion and hissed at me while climbing down from the table she was on.  She had one baby on her back, but…forgot the other one.  The baby left behind began frantically making this pitiful noise that I can never begin to replicate.  Momma was going as fast as she could away.  So I took the baby and put it down on the ground and went back inside, (it was definitely going to fall off the table if I didn’t).  AFTER CAREFULLY WASHING MY HANDS WITH ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP I watched out the window while she came back and retrieved it.  That’s when I grabbed the shitty camera, dashed out and took a few more shots of her making her get away.  She didn’t even give the baby she came back to pick up time to climb on her back.  It kind of rode underneath her while the other one was up on top.

They rush back and forth along the front of our house on the same little path going back to the neighbor’s fence.  I think they are living under his pool house.  SOB doesn’t have any pets so they are forced to pilfer cat food from the neighbors, (ME).  I need to bring up the problem of people not feeding their own vermin at the next Homeowner’s Association meeting.

Anyway, I located a live trap at one of the animal shelters close by and since John is off tomorrow and the caregiver provider person is supposed to be here tomorrow, we will go and pick it up and go a-trappin’.   I am very excited about the possum hunt and it promises to be a very busy catch and release night as I saw two neighbor cats up there eating in the next hour when I looked outside.  That’s in addition to our cat.   I anticipate angry cats all night long.  They may even change free buffet locations.

I know what you’re thinking.  Cats?  There are that many cats around there and yet, an old fashioned, plague situation with possums?  Yes, the cats are pretty much worthless.  HOWEVER, they are well-mannered.  They take turns at the food bowl with the possums and never interfear with their feedings.  My work here is done.

Wait!  MOOOOOOOMMY! COME BAAAAAACK!

MOM!  Why do I always have to ride underneath!?

Brother always gets to ride on top!

Look, lady…just back off and let me get to the free buffet…

You can see the little one underneath and the spoiled one on top…

Sorry about how bad the pic is.  It was pitch black dark and I was using a flash.

I was getting brave and a little closer.

DON’T LAUGH AT MY…diagram(?)! I am learning how to do…stuff.  Click to see the words bigger cause I am a loser and didn’t feel like going back into the thingy and making them bigger.   Gotta go do bedpan duty.

Well, we are a perverse little lot, are we not?  I have had some strange hits since I last did a rundown of google entries that led the unsuspecting lookie-loo to my cozy corner of the intertubes.  I believe the date of the last update was….May 19.  Just a little over a month, so what could possibly be new?  Let’s see.

Krissa Lopez got another 105 hits.  As I explained before, this is a bit of a cheat as there is a fairly popular southwest artist named Krissa Lopez and try as I may I CANNOT figure out how to get in touch with her.  It’s been a while since I attempted to find an email address via the websites, but I know I never could before.

All other new searches got 1 hit each with the notable exception of “boobs” which got, (drum roll please), 2.

Here they are:

“toenail fungus”

34 year old mommy

aaaah boobs (not to be confused with “boobs”)

asian cum tube (eh, wha?  Oh yes!  the Cum Laude award!)

big ass tic

boobs and legs

boobs phone number

chapped arse  (You should know that the person looking this up was from Scotland…I don’t know why, but that puts it somewhat in perspective for me…)

confessions of a pioneer woman

dents in shin

export smoke

girls shave head

half ass teenager  (I’ve seen my share)

half assed cat food

halfasstic (Gee…ya think?)

long legs and boobs

long nails

my name is krissa

paralyzed teenager bladder control (awwww)

partially blind in one eye dmv

pioneer underwear

what happens in a cavity search  (oh dear)

www.halfantic.com

www.halfasstic.com  (really?!)

I would like to point out that my readers are a varied group of people and probably not nearly as sick and depraved as this makes it sound.  This is what I tell myself.

I gots nuttin ta say, people. Well, Ok, how ’bout this:

I called the Provider Care place and told the supervisor person there that Crystal wasn’t working out and why. She was very understanding and nice and said, she’d get someone else out here. Woo-hoo!

H is in her room doing a Stations of the Cross thing, (it’s a catholic ritual and I really, no REALLY, don’t know anything about it), and she will emerge as soon as she is done with that.

You’d think living in Louisiana for all the time I did and going to mass with all my friends for all that time and then marrying a card carrying catholic and living with a practicing one for the last 3 1/2 years, I’d know more about it. No. All a mystery to me. From an outsiders perspective looking in it seems to be an extremely ritualistic religion. Lots of symbolism. Very beautiful, though. Still, some of the basic parts of it still amaze me and I just can’t get my head around it. I guess that’s all I better say about it. I don’t want to offend anyone.

Is this how far I’ve sunk? I’ve run out of things to say and now you are faced with a few short paragraphs about religion that I’m afraid to even take a side about? I would say something pithy like, “Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”, but really…”Mighty”? I think not.

My two daughters are going to be leaving to go to visit my mom and dad for the 4th of July weekend and so the house will be empty except for H. I know John would be so happy if we could find some place to stash her and we could run around the house naked all weekend. I remember doing that with him sooooo many years ago. Doing housework naked, watching tv naked, cooking naked, eating naked. And yes, even bathing naked. We were so free and laid back. Aaaaah, those were the days.

I am convinced that if I don’t stop now, I could conceivably hurt myself. Anytime I end up talking about naked housework I should have already ended the post…