Archive for the ‘ Free Toes! ’ Category

I’m sorry.

Why do I always feel the need to apologize when I do bullet posts.

Well, I guess you’ll find out.

  • The next time I see a man describe himself as “babysitting” when he is taking care of his own child or children, I think I’m gonna lose it.
  • I am so depressed about John’s health, or lack thereof, that I find it hard to think of anything else.  We know that he will have been out of work for three months at the first of the new year.  That’s the extent that the company will let you have a paid leave of absence. (Which is what this has been.)  After that?  Either just “absent” or “laid off”, I’m guessing.  And he is so very far from able to go back to work yet…
  • Mither and Pop have been at my brother and sister-in-law’s  new house in New Mexico helping them get all painted, decorated and moved in.  This is a very welcome change from Italy, well, for the rest of the family anyway.  Moving my nephew much closer.  They are very conscientious like that.
  • Henrietta has decided that I am the devil and has been telling everyone that will listen that I am mean to her and rude and disrespectful and deprive her of liquor.  Well, maybe not the last one… she doesn’t drink.  But, don’t you think she should?  That has the potential to solve many of my bigger problems…
  • I am going to write my own dickionary and YOU are invited to submit suggestions.  I am the perfect candidate for a dickionary author.  Just ask Mither.  To this day I call her and say, “How do you spell______?”, if I’m not on the computer where it’s easy to find out. OK, Mom!  Sheesh!  Sometimes even if I am on the computer…
  • I want a Nook for Christmas.  Really, really bad.  At $9.99 per download for most new releases I figure it will pay for itself in days.   Plus I am blind as a bat and the fact that I can make any book be in extra large print will be wonnerful.
  • “Wonnerful” is going to be in my new dickionary.
  • I saw an interview with Martha Stewart the other night on Primetime and she just left me cold.  Again.  When talking about her incarceration she referred to herself as “hurt and sad-but never broken”.  She was certainly not contrite.  She never once said anything about being sorry for what she did, or acted remotely shamed for it.  She did throw a lot of blame around, however.  She said that the feds should have been spending the time they worked on her case working on Bernie Madoff.  Perhaps.  But it doesn’t make what she did any less wrong.  She’s a sanctimonious bitch.

Can you tell I don’t like her?

  • As a teenager I was continually getting the words “deprived” and depraved” mixed up.  I think you can see how well swell good an author I would make for a dickionary.
  • My house is the dirtiest it has been in years. (I am only doing this as a protest against Martha.  Yeah. That’s my story.)
  • Keelan is sitting on the couch, drinking Sprite, holding a stainless steel bowl in which to throw up.  Great.  Flu?  Who knows?
  • Grand total of hospital bill for John’s stay there? $85,403.00.  Thank you, God, for insurance.  However, with it we still owe $2470.00.  Shit.  And that’s just the hospital bill.  Stand by for lab bills and assorted doctor bills.
  • This post needs a picture.  What shall it be…..?


I don’t know what this is called. It is at my aunti-poo’s house and I took a shot of it the last time I was there.  Until someone tells me differently we’ll just call it “Beautiful flower”, m’kay?

  • ATTENTION: I believe that I may have sunk to a new cooking low.  I have now browned ground beef with onion and put it in the bottom of a cake pan and dumped a mixture of Bisquick, milk, cream of chicken soup, and frozen vegetables on top of it.  It is cooking… we will see.  I will feed it to Henrietta first. *evil laughter*
  • Everytime.  It should be one word.  I will fix that in my dickionary.  I’m not kidding you!  You will also be able to wear white after labor day, and name your child “Christian” even if you’re not. (Though people will still think it’s stupid.)
  • The… “Beef Bake”  is actually a huge success.  All the crossing of fingers and fervent praying has yielded a winner.  Whew! Until tomorrow, when the “what’s for dinner” crisis starts again.  Cause planning it NOW, is just not the HalfAsstic way.  I know you understand where I’m coming from. You did read this post, right?
  • Free Toes everybody!

So Lisa and I were shopping for new furniture for her because she knows there is nothing I like to do more than spend her money.  Her husband is a bit of a… dick when it comes to doing things like this with her and I am happy to step up.  Fun, fun, fun.  She doesn’t know it but I have been sneaking into her house and slowly destroying the couch and chairs that we went out and purchased YEEEEEEEARS ago so that we could do this again.

Boredom is a dangerous thing for me.

There have been many more purchases in those years.  We have a history of making some major purchases together and she and her husband and John and I also have a history of getting a bit sloppy from margaritas and ending up going shopping for computers and another time for new cars.  The scary thing is, purchases were made both times.

So we hit the bars furniture stores and it all started innocently enough.  First stop, Bel Furniture and we took a gander at all the wild, ostentatious, only to be seen in the playboy mansion, flashy-trashy furniture to be had.  We had quite a time.  There was much giggling and squealing to be had.  Lisa posed for a few pics with her new… friend.


There was a lot of glancing around for anyone watching us…  We thought we were sneaky… We noticed the security cameras as we were leaving…


Somebody got to watch that, (if they were smart), and we probably made their day.


You can’t really tell in the picture, but I was tossing around my patented “come hither” look, terrified an innocent bystander would see it and jump me.

Er, innocent bystander…. yeah, now I feel the need to apologize to you.

After making complaints about the mattress, we moved on.


Needless to say, we purchased nothing here.  But we had a high time “shopping”!  On to Dillard’s, The Room Store, and Lazyboy Furniture.

Lisa ended up getting a black leather couch that has recliners built in and she says is perfect.  Along with a new chair for the husband.  I wouldn’t know if it’s perfect or not because for the first time EVER she chose to purchase something hideous and I, like a good friend(?), stood there and let her, (EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HER IT WAS BUTT UGLY), and then when she went back with her man, she changed her mind and told me she didn’t get the “80’s looking couch” even though it was sooooo comfortable.

Thank God.

So she went ahead and picked out something different while she was there with her husband, of all people, and I have no idea if this is going to turn out to be an acceptable piece of furniture or not.  And I bet she’s not even sleeping nights knowing she made a major furniture purchase without me.


Hi, people!  How is every little thing?  That was completely rhetorical. Please refrain from answering aloud. Although I am always interested in communicating with you all via conventional methods.

It is late at night and John and I took a late nap today and totally screwed up our sleep schedules.  He is sitting in the riff raff room downloading some music and at the moment playing Wooly Bully obnoxiously loud.

DSC01259I am sitting at the dining room table, or as we have come to know it around here, HACK.  That would be HalfAsstic Central Komand.  Appropriate, no?

My surroundings are a bit… disheveled.  I am overflowing with tiny little yellow pads of paper with  a variety of lists on them and notes that are, (quite obviously), not helping me a bit with posting ideas.  There is also a large stock pot that my dear friend Lisa had made a huge pot of Taco Soup in and brought over when John got out of the hospital.  It has since been eaten, (twice, and taken back to get her to make more of it), washed and I made stew in it.  I do need to go out and invest in a nice stock pot.  Anyway, I washed the thing again and sat it on my table to give back to her when I see her next.  Oh and there’s a purse that the lining is ripped in for her grandmother to sew up for me, (hopefully), on her sewing machine.

Ever have a purse you really like and the zipper pocket gets a hole in the bottom of it and everything ends up running around in your purse between the lining and the leather?  I hate that.  There is like NEVER a lipstick when you want one.  And it’s really not a very big purse, yet I have to bury my arm up to my elbow to get any particular thing out of it.  And then I start finding things I don’t want and then things I’ve never seen before and eventually one of Jimmy Hoffa’s shoes comes out of it and it’s just time to sew the damn thing up already, right?

I’m gonna go and pour a drinkypoo.  WordPress spell check underlined drinkypoo.  Clearly, they don’t know what they’re talking about.  Of course they also put the red line under WordPress, so I’m not looking for too high a standard.

Why isn’t “every time” one word.  I really, really, really want it to be and constantly try to make it one.  Is there someone I can petition to get this rectified?  Everyday is one. Sometime is one.  Everywhere is one.  Why the hell isn’t everytime?  I Googled it and there are a gazillion songs that have it as Everytime.   However it is either not in the dictionaries or it is and it says it is the incorrect spelling. I think I am now worked up enough to consider myself outraged.  (No, it doesn’t take much…)  Let’s all pull together and thumb our noses at the hate mongers who write the dictionaries and write the word as EVERYTIME.

Are you with me people?  Just think!  If we can get this changed, next we’ll move on to thumb!  What the hell is with that stupid “b” anyway?

Free toes, everybody!


It will probably come as some surprise to you, maybe even shock, to know that someone as laid back as myself is quite capable of having and, yes, properly maintaining a neurosis or two.  OK, maybe even more than two.  Perhaps I am riddled with them.  Perhaps not.  BUT, I CAN CLAIM TO HAVE ONE!

Becky, over at Mommy Wants Vodka, was talking about a few of hers and even asked her readers at the end of her post, what some of ours are.  I felt obliged to answer.  Prepare yourself.  I will begin to come across as more and more human and less and less like the giddy goddess you all know me to be.  Yes, you do.  STOP LAUGHING.

I guess my most obvious one would have to be my laundry.  I do get behind on it from time to time, but not too often, however if it’s not done “just so” and folded perfectly, and the knit shirts are almost always hung on hangers to dry and the towels are folded in thirds lengthwise and then doubled in half,  and so are washcloths and, I can’t live without a bleach pen and a stain stick, and the drawers are always neat and the clothes in the closet are hung in order of color, and I want so much to have a “discussion” with the dry cleaners about the order they return John’s shirts in, and all towels, washcloths, dishtowels and sheets and pillowcases MUST be washed in hot water,and everything else in cold, (separated by colors, of course).  Warm water is for people who can’t commit.   AND, apparently run-on sentences are not part of the whole neurosis thing for me.  Let me check… Nope.  I can live with it.

See, I’m just one of the gang and not the HalfAsstic Royalty you thought I was!


Free toes, everybody!

How low will I go? Nobody knows…

Friday, John and I went to JC Penny and I took a gander at the clearance rack.  I walked into the place with a $10.00 off coupon.  I walked out with two really cute new pairs of jeans that cost me a total of $11.21.  AND they’re a size smaller than the ones I’ve been wearing!  “What size, Krissa?”  I’ll tell you.  One more size down and I’ve hit my goal!  Woo-hoo!  How’s that for specific? 😉

I put on one pair of them and wore them yesterday and Keelan remarked that they don’t make me look like I have an, ahem, “old lady butt”.  I considered this statement carefully and decided to let her live after all put it in the compliment category.

Both pairs of jeans are low rise, and while I don’t wear the “Mom Jeans” that  Stacy and Clinton on What Not To Wear are constantly lecturing people about, they are a good deal lower than I’m accustomed to.  I finally went in and put on a belt because every time I stood up I felt like I was losing them by an inch or so.

Then, Sunday,  Kes and I were running into Kohl’s.  Upon getting out of the child’s car, (actually climbing up out of her car, which is what you do with a Mustang…), grabbing the “waist” of the jeans and hauling them up, while pulling my shirt down and noticing Kes staring at me, I turned around so she could see my back and said, “So can you see any butt crack?”

She pinked up a bit, glanced nervously around and said, “NO MOM!”.  While deftly giving the ubiquitous eye roll.  She then had the grace to grin at me and comment that I need to “…get some tight strapless tops today.”.

I told her that I am wearing practically butt crack pants so she can just score one for her team and leave well enough alone.

Free toes, everybody!