HalfAsstic.com

Hello gang! I hope every little thing is coming up roses in your world today. Here? Well, it’s not exactly, but it’s not an entire bedpan of shit either. So let’s all take that collective sigh of relief I know we all need after opening this blog to see what kind of pee, poo and mayhem bathroom talk Krissa is going to subject us to today.

Henrietta has had her meds uped and, strangely, while making absolutely no difference in her associating my daughter’s boyfriend with Satan, (Yes. He still be the devil…), she is calmer while extolling his evilness. Less tears all around and frequent naps.

*Sigh*

There. Now that felt good, didn’t it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday I finally received my nook! Got all my crap transferred over just as it’s supposed to and so far so good! It is kept far away from all liquids and I am planning to have a pedestal built for it to sit it’s precious little self on when not in use. Do you think this will make it feel special enough to not nut up on me again?

We shall see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keelan recently got a haircut and while it’s cute…

I wish so much she would let it be wavy and full of body like it wants to be, naturally. I would have KILLED for this hair when I was her age!

No.

She insists on straightening it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We were behind this vehicle the other day and I couldn’t help wondering… Drug dealer? Or, maybe just user? Could be just someone with a distinct laugh.

Free toes, everybody!

I’m sorry.

Why do I always feel the need to apologize when I do bullet posts.

Well, I guess you’ll find out.

• The next time I see a man describe himself as “babysitting” when he is taking care of his own child or children, I think I’m gonna lose it.
• I am so depressed about John’s health, or lack thereof, that I find it hard to think of anything else.  We know that he will have been out of work for three months at the first of the new year.  That’s the extent that the company will let you have a paid leave of absence. (Which is what this has been.)  After that?  Either just “absent” or “laid off”, I’m guessing.  And he is so very far from able to go back to work yet…
• Mither and Pop have been at my brother and sister-in-law’s  new house in New Mexico helping them get all painted, decorated and moved in.  This is a very welcome change from Italy, well, for the rest of the family anyway.  Moving my nephew much closer.  They are very conscientious like that.
• Henrietta has decided that I am the devil and has been telling everyone that will listen that I am mean to her and rude and disrespectful and deprive her of liquor.  Well, maybe not the last one… she doesn’t drink.  But, don’t you think she should?  That has the potential to solve many of my bigger problems…
• I am going to write my own dickionary and YOU are invited to submit suggestions.  I am the perfect candidate for a dickionary author.  Just ask Mither.  To this day I call her and say, “How do you spell______?”, if I’m not on the computer where it’s easy to find out. OK, Mom!  Sheesh!  Sometimes even if I am on the computer…
• I want a Nook for Christmas.  Really, really bad.  At $9.99 per download for most new releases I figure it will pay for itself in days.   Plus I am blind as a bat and the fact that I can make any book be in extra large print will be wonnerful.
• “Wonnerful” is going to be in my new dickionary.
• I saw an interview with Martha Stewart the other night on Primetime and she just left me cold.  Again.  When talking about her incarceration she referred to herself as “hurt and sad-but never broken”.  She was certainly not contrite.  She never once said anything about being sorry for what she did, or acted remotely shamed for it.  She did throw a lot of blame around, however.  She said that the feds should have been spending the time they worked on her case working on Bernie Madoff.  Perhaps.  But it doesn’t make what she did any less wrong.  She’s a sanctimonious bitch.

Can you tell I don’t like her?

• As a teenager I was continually getting the words “deprived” and depraved” mixed up.  I think you can see how well swell good an author I would make for a dickionary.

• My house is the dirtiest it has been in years. (I am only doing this as a protest against Martha.  Yeah. That’s my story.)
• Keelan is sitting on the couch, drinking Sprite, holding a stainless steel bowl in which to throw up.  Great.  Flu?  Who knows?
• Grand total of hospital bill for John’s stay there? $85,403.00.  Thank you, God, for insurance.  However, with it we still owe $2470.00.  Shit.  And that’s just the hospital bill.  Stand by for lab bills and assorted doctor bills.
• This post needs a picture.  What shall it be…..?

I don’t know what this is called. It is at my aunti-poo’s house and I took a shot of it the last time I was there.  Until someone tells me differently we’ll just call it “Beautiful flower”, m’kay?

• ATTENTION: I believe that I may have sunk to a new cooking low.  I have now browned ground beef with onion and put it in the bottom of a cake pan and dumped a mixture of Bisquick, milk, cream of chicken soup, and frozen vegetables on top of it.  It is cooking… we will see.  I will feed it to Henrietta first. *evil laughter*
• Everytime.  It should be one word.  I will fix that in my dickionary.  I’m not kidding you!  You will also be able to wear white after labor day, and name your child “Christian” even if you’re not. (Though people will still think it’s stupid.)

• The… “Beef Bake”  is actually a huge success.  All the crossing of fingers and fervent praying has yielded a winner.  Whew! Until tomorrow, when the “what’s for dinner” crisis starts again.  Cause planning it NOW, is just not the HalfAsstic way.  I know you understand where I’m coming from. You did read this post, right?
• Free Toes everybody!

So Lisa and I were shopping for new furniture for her because she knows there is nothing I like to do more than spend her money.  Her husband is a bit of a… dick when it comes to doing things like this with her and I am happy to step up.  Fun, fun, fun.  She doesn’t know it but I have been sneaking into her house and slowly destroying the couch and chairs that we went out and purchased YEEEEEEEARS ago so that we could do this again.

Boredom is a dangerous thing for me.

There have been many more purchases in those years.  We have a history of making some major purchases together and she and her husband and John and I also have a history of getting a bit sloppy from margaritas and ending up going shopping for computers and another time for new cars.  The scary thing is, purchases were made both times.

So we hit the bars furniture stores and it all started innocently enough.  First stop, Bel Furniture and we took a gander at all the wild, ostentatious, only to be seen in the playboy mansion, flashy-trashy furniture to be had.  We had quite a time.  There was much giggling and squealing to be had.  Lisa posed for a few pics with her new… friend.

There was a lot of glancing around for anyone watching us…  We thought we were sneaky… We noticed the security cameras as we were leaving…

Somebody got to watch that, (if they were smart), and we probably made their day.

You can’t really tell in the picture, but I was tossing around my patented “come hither” look, terrified an innocent bystander would see it and jump me.

Er, innocent bystander…. yeah, now I feel the need to apologize to you.

After making complaints about the mattress, we moved on.

Needless to say, we purchased nothing here.  But we had a high time “shopping”!  On to Dillard’s, The Room Store, and Lazyboy Furniture.

Lisa ended up getting a black leather couch that has recliners built in and she says is perfect.  Along with a new chair for the husband.  I wouldn’t know if it’s perfect or not because for the first time EVER she chose to purchase something hideous and I, like a good friend(?), stood there and let her, (EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HER IT WAS BUTT UGLY), and then when she went back with her man, she changed her mind and told me she didn’t get the “80’s looking couch” even though it was sooooo comfortable.

Thank God.

So she went ahead and picked out something different while she was there with her husband, of all people, and I have no idea if this is going to turn out to be an acceptable piece of furniture or not.  And I bet she’s not even sleeping nights knowing she made a major furniture purchase without me.

Hi, people!  How is every little thing?  That was completely rhetorical. Please refrain from answering aloud. Although I am always interested in communicating with you all via conventional methods.

It is late at night and John and I took a late nap today and totally screwed up our sleep schedules.  He is sitting in the riff raff room downloading some music and at the moment playing Wooly Bully obnoxiously loud.

I am sitting at the dining room table, or as we have come to know it around here, HACK.  That would be HalfAsstic Central Komand.  Appropriate, no?

My surroundings are a bit… disheveled.  I am overflowing with tiny little yellow pads of paper with  a variety of lists on them and notes that are, (quite obviously), not helping me a bit with posting ideas.  There is also a large stock pot that my dear friend Lisa had made a huge pot of Taco Soup in and brought over when John got out of the hospital.  It has since been eaten, (twice, and taken back to get her to make more of it), washed and I made stew in it.  I do need to go out and invest in a nice stock pot.  Anyway, I washed the thing again and sat it on my table to give back to her when I see her next.  Oh and there’s a purse that the lining is ripped in for her grandmother to sew up for me, (hopefully), on her sewing machine.

Ever have a purse you really like and the zipper pocket gets a hole in the bottom of it and everything ends up running around in your purse between the lining and the leather?  I hate that.  There is like NEVER a lipstick when you want one.  And it’s really not a very big purse, yet I have to bury my arm up to my elbow to get any particular thing out of it.  And then I start finding things I don’t want and then things I’ve never seen before and eventually one of Jimmy Hoffa’s shoes comes out of it and it’s just time to sew the damn thing up already, right?

I’m gonna go and pour a drinkypoo.  Wordpress spell check underlined drinkypoo.  Clearly, they don’t know what they’re talking about.  Of course they also put the red line under Wordpress, so I’m not looking for too high a standard.

Why isn’t “every time” one word.  I really, really, really want it to be and constantly try to make it one.  Is there someone I can petition to get this rectified?  Everyday is one. Sometime is one.  Everywhere is one.  Why the hell isn’t everytime?  I Googled it and there are a gazillion songs that have it as Everytime.   However it is either not in the dictionaries or it is and it says it is the incorrect spelling. I think I am now worked up enough to consider myself outraged.  (No, it doesn’t take much…)  Let’s all pull together and thumb our noses at the hate mongers who write the dictionaries and write the word as EVERYTIME.

Are you with me people?  Just think!  If we can get this changed, next we’ll move on to thumb!  What the hell is with that stupid “b” anyway?

Free toes, everybody!

It will probably come as some surprise to you, maybe even shock, to know that someone as laid back as myself is quite capable of having and, yes, properly maintaining a neurosis or two.  OK, maybe even more than two.  Perhaps I am riddled with them.  Perhaps not.  BUT, I CAN CLAIM TO HAVE ONE!

Becky, over at Mommy Wants Vodka, was talking about a few of hers and even asked her readers at the end of her post, what some of ours are.  I felt obliged to answer.  Prepare yourself.  I will begin to come across as more and more human and less and less like the giddy goddess you all know me to be.  Yes, you do.  STOP LAUGHING.

I guess my most obvious one would have to be my laundry.  I do get behind on it from time to time, but not too often, however if it’s not done “just so” and folded perfectly, and the knit shirts are almost always hung on hangers to dry and the towels are folded in thirds lengthwise and then doubled in half,  and so are washcloths and, I can’t live without a bleach pen and a stain stick, and the drawers are always neat and the clothes in the closet are hung in order of color, and I want so much to have a “discussion” with the dry cleaners about the order they return John’s shirts in, and all towels, washcloths, dishtowels and sheets and pillowcases MUST be washed in hot water,and everything else in cold, (separated by colors, of course).  Warm water is for people who can’t commit.   AND, apparently run-on sentences are not part of the whole neurosis thing for me.  Let me check… Nope.  I can live with it.

See, I’m just one of the gang and not the HalfAsstic Royalty you thought I was!

STOP LAUGHING!

Free toes, everybody!

Friday, John and I went to JC Penny and I took a gander at the clearance rack.  I walked into the place with a $10.00 off coupon.  I walked out with two really cute new pairs of jeans that cost me a total of $11.21.  AND they’re a size smaller than the ones I’ve been wearing!  “What size, Krissa?”  I’ll tell you.  One more size down and I’ve hit my goal!  Woo-hoo!  How’s that for specific?

I put on one pair of them and wore them yesterday and Keelan remarked that they don’t make me look like I have an, ahem, “old lady butt”.  I considered this statement carefully and decided to let her live after all put it in the compliment category.

Both pairs of jeans are low rise, and while I don’t wear the “Mom Jeans” that  Stacy and Clinton on What Not To Wear are constantly lecturing people about, they are a good deal lower than I’m accustomed to.  I finally went in and put on a belt because every time I stood up I felt like I was losing them by an inch or so.

Then, Sunday,  Kes and I were running into Kohl’s.  Upon getting out of the child’s car, (actually climbing up out of her car, which is what you do with a Mustang…), grabbing the “waist” of the jeans and hauling them up, while pulling my shirt down and noticing Kes staring at me, I turned around so she could see my back and said, “So can you see any butt crack?”

She pinked up a bit, glanced nervously around and said, “NO MOM!”.  While deftly giving the ubiquitous eye roll.  She then had the grace to grin at me and comment that I need to “…get some tight strapless tops today.”.

I told her that I am wearing practically butt crack pants so she can just score one for her team and leave well enough alone.

Free toes, everybody!

While I was at Mither’s and Pop’s house, my auntiepoo, Merrinette, had a birthday!  Like the outstanding family we are, we made her come to see us so we would have a reason to celebrate invited her over and we sat around and giggled and ribbed one another until we could no longer stand it and we did what anybody in Texas does when having their birthday with their sister and niece and grand-daughter.  We went out for Mexican food.  And oh, it was sooooo good.

Here’s a shot of Merrinette and Taylee, her lovely grand-daughter.

Note the crown of significance on her head.  BIRTHDAY GIRL!

Here she is sporting a different crown.  This one is a bit more…less slutty laid back than the, ahem, after five one above.   It never hurts a girl to have a good choice of crowns.  And please take a moment to notice how well her hair poofed up behind it,(we DO live in Texas, after all), AND the sparkle in her eyes.

And here’s the evil siblings sisters themselves!  Merrinette and Kerry Lynda.  AKA Auntiepoo and Mither.  Here comes trouble!

And it wouldn’t be a post of pictures of the two of them without the gratuitous shot of them trying vainly to have only the one chin.  Yes, that is exactly what they’re doing.  There is nothing unusual on the ceiling.

Did I mention they’re a little nuts and I come by it quite honestly?  Yeah, well…..ya know.

Moving right along.

Fajitas!!!! And we ate and ate and ate.  And then we were so full we decided we needed to take a nap.

BUT!  Before we returned we went by one of my favorite places in Decatur!

Here are Mither and Auntiepoo going into the wonderful, magical Main Street Home and Gardens.  Possibly my favorite place ever.  Other than Mither’s!  And Auntiepoo’s!  Whew!  Couldn’t forget that!

Here are just a few pics to whet your appetite until tomorrow when I show you all around the place!  It really is a magic spot and besides, it’s where I get the black magic stuff to keep H in line we are all going to have lunch the next time I go visit.  Sadly, we didn’t have time this day.

Free Toes, everybody!

A few months ago my next door neighbor came home with a new black Volkswagen Beetle.  Well, I do believe it was used, but only slightly.

First thing he did was begin to disassemble it and clean every. single. inch. of it.  I mean meticulously with a toothbrush and every cleaning product known to man.   New things were installed.  GPS system, radar detector, stereo, etc.

All this we could see from the window in our breakfast area.  The door panels were removed, the seats, the dashboard, the back where the engine is found was always open and the boot on the other end was more often than not as well.

This went on for MONTHS, literally.  Every single day, as soon as he got home from work and almost all day on weekends.

Finally, we were at a wedding reception, curiosity got the better of me and I asked his wife, “So eh…. what’s up with the new bug?  This elicited a huge eye roll and she asked me if I remembered Tim the Toolman on Home Improvement.

She then asked me if I remembered how nothing was ever good enough just normal and working correctly.  It could always be improved upon and souped up.  She said this was her husband and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that car and once he started taking the door panels off he messed up something in the anti-theft area and the car wouldn’t start anymore.  He finally talked to someone at a Volkswagen dealership that explained that he would have to have it towed in and they would have to call Germany and have it “reset”.

The other ladies and I died laughing.  I know we had all been wondering the same thing.    She said God only knows how much money he had spent on that thing just tinkering around and breaking stuff.

For your viewing pleasure, (And just cause I think they’re so darn cute!), here are a couple of more I’ve seen around here!

That red monster car parked on the other side of this one is the Lopez Family Truckster.  We were so honored by our parking space neighbor.

OK, so it’s not such a fancy paint job… But I loves me a bright yellow car.  I just think the license plate should say “NOLEMN”.  Heh.

The Hippie Surfer and a few others that I got off the internezzzz.

1966 Beetle and one of my favs!  I can totally see me driving this with matching lipstick and nail polish… maybe shoes and purse, too.  Heh

Iridescent!

OK, I am just not too sure about this, but it’s so bizarre I couldn’t resist.  I think it needs chrome hubcaps…

Free Toes, everybody!

Well, here I sit.  I bet you people thought you must have heard the last of me, huh?  It’s been a while!  I headed out of town on Monday to go and visit Mither and Pop.  Along with my entire immediate family!  John and both girls plus The Boyfriend for bonus!

The reason I never posted to tell you dear people that I was jumping ship was because this trip was SUPPOSED to be a secret and a huge surprise for Nana.  She knew Kes and Keelan and The Boyfriend were going to visit with her, but had no idea that I had made arrangements for H to be taken care of by my SIL and John had vacation and all the planets aligned just right and we were all going to go and be there together for the first time in years.

Sadly, I can’t seem to keep a secret, Kessa slipped up and her nana suspected that maybe John and I were going to come, too.  So, when I blew it and practically spelled it out for her when I accidently gave up a clue, she figured it out.  This was just a couple of days before we left and I was embarassed to tell the kids, because I had threatened them with certain death if they let her know and FOR ONCE they were actually scared of me I had expressed such a strong desire to keep it a secret and cautioned them…strongly, to keep it to themselves.

So Mither was in the know when  we got there.  Oh well.

We had a ball and did all sorts of things.  Not to mention we got to go and see the “new” house that’s in town and Mither and Pop have decided they want to buy.  The place they live now is so wonderful it’s hard to describe, truely a paradise, yet, it’s sooo much too much for them to have to take care of anymore.  The house is gi-normous and the acerage is too.

Time to downsize.  So this needs to be sold.  Please take a sec and click the “button” in the middle and look at all 10 shots of their place.  Tip of the iceberg.

What I’m trying to point out here is that while they are needing to downsize… BAD, it must also be a truly wonderful house.  Or as Kessa and Keelan are fond of saying, “Nana-licious”.  I’m not sure, as it’s a fairly new word and Webster’s doesn’t know about it yet, but it may be spelled Nanalicious.  I will be talking with their people any day about the next updated version of that particular dictionary.

Moving right along…

Enter the new house that Mither and Pop have their hearts set on: here.  Yes, go ahead and look at all the pics of it and tell me…  Even though the bizarre realtor seemed to be fixated on the bathrooms and the outside(?), the inside is indeed wonderful.  We broke into it took our own tour, twice and took a million pictures.  I WILL be posting some of those in a future postypoo.  They are still not even off of my camera.

Now, nobody is to dare  consider buying this particular house… (Sush!  I can too dictate this!)  But if you would like to buy Mither and Pop’s present house, I am sure they would be delighted and the “new” house is just right in town and I could come and visit you when I go and see them!  And I would, too!

Well people, this is enough for today.  I have to get these pictures downloaded and catch up on some blogs!  I am sorry I haven’t been reading, but I was visiting!

I’ll post again, soon!  Free toes, everybody!

* I dumped a bit of critter food on a paver sitting in my flowerbed to try to lure the baby squirrels into my yard.    The little shits are very cautious about anything THAT easy to get to.  However I am getting some cardinals and other vermin critters, coming up.

*The other night Craig Ferguson said something like, ” Young people  who want change try to orchestrate a well placed riot.  Old farts like me  just think, “Get that riot off my lawn!”   Heh

*Overheard at chez Lopez last night while discussing John’s midlife crisis crazies.

Kessa shot a look at The Boyfriend and said, “Honey, when you start having a midlife crisis I’m just shipping you off.

The Boyfriend, a tad bewildered, “To where?”

Kessa, “They have places for men to go to stay till they get over that stuff.  That’s where you’ll have to go!  But, don’t worry, I’ll still come and visit you once in a while.”

The Boyfriend contemplates this for a few seconds and says, “So that’s what happens to men…. what happens to women?”

Before Kessa could begin to formulate an answer, I snapped, “We start having periods once a month about the age of 12 and it lasts until who knows when!”

The Boyfriend, “Oh….yeah.”  Now he feels lucky.

* H, essentially, wet the bed last night.  Yesterday her catheter started failing and she was waking up with a leeeetle bit of pee in the bag and a lot in the diaper.  So I called the agency to come out here and change it.

They sent some new chick.  *sigh*

Now don’t get me wrong, she was nice, and doing the best she knew how. Yet, Henrietta is riddled with fistulas  to the point that it’s like Swiss cheese up in there.  At least that’s what I’m guessing since it’s such a hit or miss proposition to get the cath to work.  OK, mostly “miss”.

The nurse did her thing and left.  So cocksure of herself that she didn’t even bother to wait around and see if it “took”.

It didn’t and it was evident last night when I put H to bed.  She just had a wee bit ‘o wee in the bag.  Sometimes moving her around and, consequently moving the fistulas gets it all back lined up, so I was hopeful putting her in bed would do this.

About 8:00 this morning she was soaked in urine.  So I changed up all the fixin’s she was in, diaper, nightgown, hospital chux, etc. and she went back to sleep.

Here in a few minutes she is going to go sit on the bedpan and when she’s done, I am going to give changing the catheter a shot and I bet I can get it done.  If she’ll let me do it.

I’ll report back and don’t worry.   I promise…  no pictures.