Archive for the ‘ Chapped Arse ’ Category

Hello me lovelies! And how are you doing today? (Picture me nodding appreciatively.) Yes, yes… very good. That’s just great. Me? Oh, I’m just fine.

Or am I? No, thank you so much for asking, by the way, but I am NOT fine. I am steamed up. And not the way the title would lead you to think, either.

For the pitiful few men stumbling upon this blog, Sorry. You’ve been duped into thinking it’s going to maybe be racy. You couldn’t be more wrong. Not this particular one. But you never know, so keep checking back!

Now, where was I? Oh yes! I am all steamed up about something.

Remember last Christmas when I said I wanted a nook? It’s an e-reader put out by Barnes and Nobel. Well my wishes were heard by more than you guys! Santa Clause, John, Mither and Pop, and the girls all pitched in and bought me one. And I was thrilled with it. It worked great and was easy as pie to use. It allowed me to read any book I downloaded in extra hugeass sized font as well as bookmark, highlight, and look up words as I was reading. It’s small, lightweight, slim, fits into my purse very easily and never left my side. Well, not much anyway. Downloads for almost all new releases are $9.99 and I was rapidly working towards getting it to pay for itself when all of the sudden, it got a bit damp. It probably wouldn’t have been the end of the world since it was just a tiny bit of water that apparently got splashed from a glass, but it was in the protective gel case I bought for it and the water quickly went underneath it and pooled in the bottom. I didn’t know it was there and it sat in it for a while before I discovered it was wet. Soaking in it.

Anyway, I wasn’t the least bit worried because the nice little people at Barnes and Nobel sold me a handy dandy 2 year protection plan that is bumper to bumper, covering everything 100%. So I called the wonderful people at nook and talked to some very nice little man who did a “rapid return” and I had a new nook, literally the next day being dropped off by UPS. I then boxed mine up with the postage paid shipping label they emailed me and dropped it off at the nearest UPS drop off place.

No problem. This product and service is glorious. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Now the second one I got automatically had everything I had put on my old one as soon as I went on it and registered it to my account. I picked right back up with the book I had been reading and was soon engrossed in it.

Then the pages  started being really slow to turn. The old one hadn’t done that.

The thing would shut down quite unexpectedly and have to be restarted.

Then it started freezing up and would refuse to turn the page until I turned it off and back on. Remember the font was set in extra large hugeass size for me, so I am flying through pages pretty fast and when it does that every three pages, it sucks.

Then, all of the sudden, when I turned it off, it wouldn’t turn back on. Nothing. Well, crap. I waited a few days just because you have to spend a good deal of time on the phone when you call them, not just waiting on hold, but trying all the things that I had already tried, (like taking out the battery and putting it back in, etc.), while on the phone with a tech person.

So I called the people and went through the whole mess with them and the guy finally took my credit card number and said that the new nook was on it’s way. I guess they overnight them, or maybe do second day air. I don’t know, it’s just really fast. So almost a week later I am wondering WHERE THE HELL MY NOOK IS and I NEED SOMETHING TO READ, DAMMIT! am having some mild, reading withdrawal symptoms. I begin the extraction of hair on my head, by the roots, patiently wait a few more days.

You know I should take a sec and explain that that credit card number was so that they would have something to have on hold while they are waiting for their broken one to get back to them and I had 15 days to get it dropped off at the nearest UPS place before they would apply a charge for a new nook to my card. No problem, this seemed reasonable. They really are a bit expensive. The nook itself is $260.00 and the two year “Protection Plan” is another $70.00.  So it’s a rather large investment when you put it in perspective. I mean $330. isn’t much to pay for like, braces or something like that. Hey, it’s a heck of a deal! But this is just a lot of books! It is a frivolous thing in the grand scheme.

So the first time I talked to them about this particular nook and they were taking my card number and sending me a new one was on the 20th of February.

So I decided to call the dumbasses at nook headquarters. DUMBASSES IS TOO ONE WORD!

Huh? Oh, sorry. I lose my train of thought sometimes when I am STAND BACK! ABOUT TO BLOW! agitated, this can happen.

Loooong story short, (I know, too late… nobody likes a smartass. SMARTASS IS TOO ONE WORD!), I got Ali on the phone and he was polite, professional, good-natured, and not the least bit helpful.

I was on the phone for over an hour and a half, people. I could almost hear Ali thinking, “OH, DEAR LORD, PLEEEEEEEASE LET ME HANG UP WITH THIS WOMAN!” And I SO wanted to. Yet, I kept not getting the answer I was looking for.

So I just stay on the phone until someone there gives it to me.

Actually, John and I were both talking to them. Ali told us that the protection plan that we had purchased would only replace a nook I damaged accidentally, one time.

That? Is SO not what the people at Barnes and Nobel told us.

The argument was on.

First of all where the hell is my nookie? It’s been a week and it’s not here and they are going to charge my credit card for the old one after 15 days. That’s half gone! I’m not sending the old one back till I get the new one. I was very firm about that.

There never was an answer for that question. No tracking number they could give me. Nothing. And considering how much just one little gizmo costs you’d think they’d keep better track of them.

Second of all, I didn’t do anything to damage this nook, it was defective when I got it. Refurbished? That’s what I’m thinking. The other one worked great! But to tell me that I have no more coverage for damage by me dropping it, or running over it with the car, or letting a St. Bernard slobber all over it, or an eagle picking it up and depositing it in it’s nest for it’s babies to poop on? Well, THAT? is not what I was told when we purchased the “plan”. We argued this point with Ali and his supervisor for over an hour. While I was on the phone with them John got on his and called our local Barnes and Nobel and asked to speak to some one about purchasing a nook. He was promptly directed to a nook specialist. He asked about the nook and the protection plan and asked if the nook would continue to be replaced for the two years the plan is effective even if it is repeatedly dropped or abused by moi. “Oh, yes, Mr. Lopez! As many times as needed during the two years the plan covers! It’s foolproof!”.

Apparently this guy doesn’t know the fools at 1.800.THE.BOOK.

So then John asks to speak to a store manager and poses the same question to him. He is told the same thing from the manager. It is covered 100%, no matter what happens or who’s fault it is for two years. Bumper to bumper, as it were.

He took the phone from me and proceeded to tell the people at the mysterious call center that we were assured when we bought it that it was covered, and they are still telling us that it is covered for any problems I cause it.

And you know I can, too.

They then asked if we read the “Protection Plan”. NOW I’m pissed. Not just insanely frustrated. Completely. Ticked. Off.

If you go to this web site you can read the entire fascinating, small texted policy. Really! Just go ahead! Ton’s of fun!

I love to read and I couldn’t get all the way through. Besides I found where it admits that the afore mentioned fully covered thing isn’t entirely. It’ s waaay down  in the ugly insides of the thing. On towards the poop end.

Not to mention, we discovered that we are able to take the dumb thing back and get an exchange at the store! Those people are going to stand by what they believe to be the policy and exchange anything we take there. Until the dumbasses up in the corporate ivory tower figure out what is going on waaaay down here and pass down some mandate saying that the store employees have been instructed to do their sales pitch wrong.

Anyway, here it is, Saturday night and still I have no nookie.  *sob* At least John is going to be home from work soon and I’ll get some nookie from him! 😉

It’s been a year of almost pure shit.  I am sick and tired of it and want it over with. It can not come soon enough. And, I know it’s not supposed to make a difference what year it says it is on the calendar. There is absolutely no reason to think that having the year change from aught nine to ten will make any difference in our day to day continuance. I mean why should it. Logically, it won’t make any difference at all.

And yet, it has to.

I know that it was very close to the beginning of this year when things started spiraling downhill. John’s job got a ton more stressful. We had Marital Problems. His health issues. Issues that weren’t even acknowledged to us by his then general practitioner, and we ended up finding out with his stint in the hospital for the better part of October. Yes, October in particular, can bite my ass.

Moving right along…..

Henrietta has decided that Kessa’s boyfriend is the devil. No. Really. She selected him from all the other contenders of people that she see’s day to day sometime in October when John was in the hospital.

It all began with her telling my SIL, who was here taking care of her while I was there with John, that The Boyfriend was a shifty character who was just trying to sleep with Kessa.

Upon John’s and my return she announced to us that my SIL was unable to sleep while she was here one night because The Boyfriend was going in and out the front door all night and he was trying to sleep with Kessa.

Of course the SIL had already alerted us to this latest rant and we were kind of expecting, well, something like this.

I came *this* close to telling her something like, “Henrietta, I know it’s been a long time since you “slept” with anyone, but it’s not accomplished by going in and out the front door of the house.

I just explained to her that SIL said no such thing and we had talked to her already and she must have misunderstood her.

Soon afterward, she indicated her annoyance with The Boyfriend in more ways to me.  Saying little muttered things under her breath about him being lazy, shiftless and no good. Rolling her eyes at the mention of his name. Said things like, “Oh, you know how that boy is…”

“No, how is he, Henrietta?”

Exasperated sigh, “Krissa, you know how he is!”

“NO! Truly! I do not! What have you got against him?! You’ve been badmouthing him for days and he has done absolutely nothing to deserve it! I stopped just short of telling her that he is just the latest in a long line of victims she has plucked out of thin air to harp on, (including me), and she is just never happy content if she’s not being hateful about someone.

At this point she stopped and told me that while John was in the hospital The Boyfriend threw the telephone at Kessa.


Oh, yes. She was certain of it.  He was standing at the top of the stairs and Kes was standing on the landing and she told him she didn’t want to talk on the phone and she’d call the person back and he THREW the phone at her!

I assured her that this did not transpire and took the story in and was telling John what she said when Kes came home and caught the tail end of it and was amazed that there actually was a tiny grain of truth to another one of her wild tales.

Old Blue was for sale during all this time and we had an ad on Craig’s List.


We were getting calls for it and Kes and Keelan were taking numbers for me to return from the hospital or where ever. Hence, she took the phone upstairs with her to watch a movie. She came back down to make popcorn and The Boyfriend appeared at the top of the stairs and hollered at her that there was a call for the pickup. She said tell them my parents will call back and he said they just wanted to ask some basic questions. So she stepped up onto the landing and he pitched the phone down like we have done a thousand times, except Kes is the worst catcher in the history of people with hands and practically never does anything but break the fall for the phone. (Stairs are carpeted, whew!)

So, as per normal procedure, she drops the phone and then picked it up and talked on it and hung up and that was the end of it.  OR WAS IT?

God, please, PLEASE give Henrietta a more loving, tolerant, accepting soul and fill her with the understanding that there is no one in this house that is pure evil and actually the only evil she has to worry about is what she brings out in me when she gets all bitchy like this… Actually, scratch all that.

God, PLEASE give me a more loving, tolerant, accepting soul…


I believe, with all my heart, that there is a “hair imbalance” in this house.   Both girls have WAY more than is required to be a girl, (or even a horse), and it is so long and ultra thick that they get the stares when they go out and people want to touch it.  I mean beau-ti-ful hairs.  Shiny, glossy, slippery, abundance of hair.

John?  Gettin’ a wee bit gray, and a wee bit more sparse on top.  The eyebrows are getting wilder every time I attempt to tame them, and I am guessing it won’t be long before there are a few singular hairs sticking out of his ears.

Time will tell.

Then we come to me.  I am currently dying all the gray, non-conformist, rat-bastard hairs into submission.  That is on my head, anyway.  There are other hairs that are starting to give me grief.

The last time I was putting on make up I payed close attention and I swear, God as my witness, I am getting as fuzzy as a peach on my face.  I don’t have any dark hairs.  Yet.  But my once smooth cheeks and, ahem, sideburns, are covered in soft fuzzy clearish looking hairs.  Yes, my face is very soft.  SO IS A PEACH.

I stood there looking at this.  One more step towards the grave.  AND, IT IS!   I would actually take a picture and show you IF I HAD A CAMERA THAT WOULD TAKE CLOSE UPS.

Gee.  You guys don’t know what you’re missing… heh.

Now I gotta go research facial hair removal products.  Fun, fun, fun.

Ongoing developments.

On Wednesday, April 29, Henrietta turned 87 years old.  There were festivities as you’d expect from a festive family like this.  I do, in fact have pictures that I would like very much to post, but this stupid thing won’t let me as the file size gizmo has pissed off the maximum load of shit thingy.  Or some such crap.  And it’s not WordPress’s fault this time.  It’s that rat bastard, Vista.

Have I mentioned how I loathe Vista?  I do.  We are getting an Apple sometime in the near future and all I have to do is find a way to finance it….  Hum.  I have children I could sell.  They are 18 and 19 now, but really, if I list them as “slightly used”, won’t that cover my butt?

Anyway, as I was saying before I got all sidetracked, H had a birthday with a beautiful cake I made and Kes iced for me and presents and whatnot.  She had a grand time.  Only her daughter never showed up or called.  So about half way through the day, I’m figuring she may have forgotten and I started trying to call her.  I left messages and never heard back from her.  John did the same from work.

The next day, Thursday, she showed up with the most gawd-awful looking pot of almost completely finished blooming tulips.  Some of them were lying over the side of the pot.    She said she hadn’t called the day before because she was out of minutes on her cell phone and she never gave any idea about why she didn’t come.

She doesn’t own a car, but drives a 14 year old piece of junk Accord that belongs to her boyfriend.  And I DO mean junk.  Rust showing through, no A/C, dings and dents everywhere.  Ugly as sin.  She always parks right in the middle at the end of the sidewalk.  We always make a point not to park there because it is directly across the street from my neighbors driveway.  It’s the elderly couple with the red door that I have posted about before.  They are very sweet and terrific neighbors.  It just makes good sense to not park right where someone has to back out.  You know, the courteous thing to do.

We should have told her not to do it too.  The man that lives there was backing out and hit that piece of junk and dented the front quarter panel.  So he rang the bell and asked me if he could talk to me and I went out and he showed me the dent and said that they were going some place right then and just tell SIL they’d be back in a little while.

So SIL called her boyfriend and told him.

Here’s where I get politically incorrect.

He’s a wet back an illegal alien.

Of course he wanted the insurance info.  **Sigh.**

She stayed here longer than usual visiting with her mother that day so that she could go and talk to my neighbor.  That’s the only good that came out of this.  He gave her his phone number and asked her to call him when she got an estimate.

That was all on Thursday and Friday SIL was calling saying that she’d talked to him and he’s supposed to be bringing a check over.

For $244.00.

To fix body damage on a car.

Yeah,  right.

John was appalled at the whole thing of course and we are both embarrassed.  So when the neighbor came over with the check, he talked to him and apologized.  When the guy left John told me that he’s going to tell his sister that he brought the check but needs a copy of the estimate for his records. He didn’t believe for one minute that $244.00 was going to fix that car either.  And, he and I both know the car will never get fixed.  It will just be an embarrassing reminder every time she comes over here of what happened and how she extorted money from our retired, on a fixed income, neighbors.

She came back on Saturday earlier than she has been here in many, many months, (1:15), and while I was surprised to see her that early, I wasn’t.  My first thought was “OK, at least she’s in time to change her mother’s diaper this time.”.

She stayed 10 to 15 minutes and left.

H promptly rang the bell to be put on the bedpan.

This is my life.

The copy of the estimate she brought looks legit enough.  It’s barely legible, but has the name of the garage stamped on it.   So… whatever!

OK, half the post is in the title.  Whatever.

Remember this?  Crystal the caregiver provider from hell was all we had and we were pulling out our hair dealing with her the best way we could.  Until I fired her and changed companies because they were understaffed and didn’t have anyone else to fill her spot.

Welcome to my world today.  Where, once again we have the same company, (due to a long list of reasons) and we, somehow, I lost my freakin mind and someone should beat me within an inch of my life ended up with Crystal.  Again.

She was pregnant with twin boys the first time she was “working” for us.  She was in her first trimester and SO incredibly sleepy all the time.  Man, I remember that feeling.  And I sympathized with her.  I really did!  But she spent almost every moment she was here either on her cell phone texting her husband and friends or falling asleep.  Not to mention the main part of the reason I let her go was her penchant for not showing up or being an hour or so late.

Well, surely things will be better this time, right?

Wrong.  She has delivered identical twin boys, and that right there would make me want to slit my throat, but for some reason that has yet to become clear I thought things would be better now that she’s not pregnant anymore.

She showed up here Friday and was a sobbing, soggy mess.  She had obviously been crying hard for a while already.  I had her come in and sit down and spent about 45 minutes talking to her and helping her get her composure.  The VERY LAST THING I needed was her going in and letting on to H about ANYTHING that was upsetting her.

Guess what it was.  Go ahead, guess. Never mind, you never will.  Crystal who has one month old identical twin boys and another 3 year old at home is pregnant again.  She and her husband had been fighting about this latest revelation, though, at that point I don’t really know what there was to fight about.  She said her husband had “forced her out of the car at the entrance to the subdivision”, and she walked the rest of the way to my house.  She had left her phone in the car and he drove off with it.  Yet, somehow she had her charger in her hand and she had thrown it after him as he left.  He drove over it and smashed it.

Yes, here, in my little neighborhood of quiet, mostly older people who all know each other’s names and no one ever even speeds.  people return misdirected mail directly to you at your door.  Along with any escaped dogs.

This is NOT the kind of drama I want or need.

She repeatedly called her house and talked to her SIL over and over and she wouldn’t let her speak to her husband.  She was screaming profanities at Crystal over the phone that I could clearly hear just being in the same room with her.

She managed to get herself pulled together and went in after I made it very clear that she wasn’t to tell H anything about this.

I was going to go over to Lisa’s house, but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving at that point so I stayed.

I called the agency today and talked to someone who was very apologetic and they said there will be a new person out tomorrow!

Thank you God.