Archive for the ‘ Bullets ’ Category

  • I have a bug bite on my arm that is itching like the dickens. This is odd because they usually don’t bite me. My family says it’s because I’m not sweet.

The dirty bastards.

  • John was off today and will be tomorrow and somehow we made it out of the house and ran errands and got at least a third of it done.
  • People will buy the damnedest shit on ebay. And over look some really great things that I felt sure would go. Weird. I never know what’s going to be snatched up.
  • We have dumped 5 bags of decomposed granite into the hole that Kes has wallowed out where she drives off the side of the driveway when she pulls in and out.

I think it will take another two and some crime scene tape to fix and maintain the levelicity of the yard.

  • “Levelicity” is totally a word because it is going to be in my Dicktionary, (when I get around to writing it), and it is practically self-explanatory. For instance I know my readers are too intelligent to need me to define it for them… ūüėČ
  • Poor Keelan got into an auto accident the other day when some jerk ran a red light and T-boned her in the passenger side door. Her cute little red bug is in need of some body repair, and is in the shop, but the worst part is one of her best friends was in the car with her and has a shattered arm and severely bruised ribs.

Thank you God for side air bags and the fact that VW bugs are made of metal and not fiberglass. Otherwise this would have been a LOT more tragic.

As it is Keelan looks like she has a gigantic hickey on her neck where the shoulder belt caught her.

She SAYS this is not the look she’s shooting for.

  • There are bags of mulch outside waiting for me to dump them out into the flowerbeds and this is exciting!

How sad is that?

  • I have an actual, functioning guest room now and you are all invited over! We finally got around to buying a bed and I just recently bought the coverlet and the bed skirt is on order. When I go to pick it up I will get the two matching pillow shams because I know you people are too classy to sleep in a room that doesn’t have coordinating bedding.

There is a new blanket under there, too! Nothing but the best for you guys! I will even crack open a new cake of soap for the guest bath lavatory and break out the GOOD toilet paper! (When I say, “Your ass is safe with me!”, I’m not just being crude- but literal!)

Now, I just have to find some nightstands…

That’s a folding TV tray over on the other side of the bed.

Yeah… I know. I CAN DO BETTER!

Just go ahead and trust me and book your vacations at La Casa HalfAsstica today!

That’s all for now!


Bring your own condom.

  • Well, I don’t know if this thing is working right now or not. As you may have noticed… my site got the herpes with my last post… Or something.

I am not having any luck getting it straightened out and my stupid-brother, Cam, is in hospital when I NEED HIM! He’s nursing, what they suspect is, a couple of teeny, tiny black widow spider bites. Battling fever and body aches and a giant sore on his side.
The pansy-ass. He’s just doing this because I need him. He always was self-centered like this…
Here’s the latest picture I got from his iphone.

Doesn’t that look awful? Bless his heart. Really, I’m worried about him and am anxiously awaiting his return home. I am sure Melissa, his wife, is too.

  • Reading that title again…. wondering what kinds of pervs I’m going to get trolling through here…?
  • Actual conversation while we were shopping and looking around at ties for John.

I picked up one that was on clearance at Kohl’s and said, “Hey, this one is only $3.98.”

His immediate response: “How do you know?”

Really? Like I can’t read? Or did he think I was lying to him? The nut.

  • If you want to see a little dog flip completely out, watch while I start taking the toys out of Sasha’s crate. She goes nuts and frantically tries to grab them and haul them back in there as I’m working on it. Let me tell you, it is a battle of wills.
  • I am proud to say I win. Usually.
  • OK this is enough valuable information for now. I don’t want to get you all over stimulated and then tonight when you can’t sleep you’ll blame me.
  • You know you will!

I’m sorry.

Why do I always feel the need to apologize when I do bullet posts.

Well, I guess you’ll find out.

  • The next time I see a man describe himself as “babysitting” when he is taking care of his own child or children, I think I’m gonna lose it.
  • I am so depressed about John’s health, or lack thereof, that I find it hard to think of anything else.¬† We know that he will have been out of work for three months at the first of the new year.¬† That’s the extent that the company will let you have a paid leave of absence. (Which is what this has been.)¬† After that?¬† Either just “absent” or “laid off”, I’m guessing.¬† And he is so very far from able to go back to work yet…
  • Mither and Pop have been at my brother and sister-in-law’s¬† new house in New Mexico helping them get all painted, decorated and moved in.¬† This is a very welcome change from Italy, well, for the rest of the family anyway.¬† Moving my nephew much closer.¬† They are very conscientious like that.
  • Henrietta has decided that I am the devil and has been telling everyone that will listen that I am mean to her and rude and disrespectful and deprive her of liquor.¬† Well, maybe not the last one… she doesn’t drink.¬† But, don’t you think she should?¬† That has the potential to solve many of my bigger problems…
  • I am going to write my own dickionary and YOU are invited to submit suggestions.¬† I am the perfect candidate for a dickionary author.¬† Just ask Mither.¬† To this day I call her and say, “How do you spell______?”, if I’m not on the computer where it’s easy to find out. OK, Mom!¬† Sheesh!¬† Sometimes even if I am on the computer…
  • I want a Nook for Christmas.¬† Really, really bad.¬† At $9.99 per download for most new releases I figure it will pay for itself in days.¬†¬† Plus I am blind as a bat and the fact that I can make any book be in extra large print will be wonnerful.
  • “Wonnerful” is going to be in my new dickionary.
  • I saw an interview with Martha Stewart the other night on Primetime and she just left me cold.¬† Again.¬† When talking about her incarceration she referred to herself as “hurt and sad-but never broken”.¬† She was certainly not contrite.¬† She never once said anything about being sorry for what she did, or acted remotely shamed for it.¬† She did throw a lot of blame around, however.¬† She said that the feds should have been spending the time they worked on her case working on Bernie Madoff.¬† Perhaps.¬† But it doesn’t make what she did any less wrong.¬† She’s a sanctimonious bitch.

Can you tell I don’t like her?

  • As a teenager I was continually getting the words “deprived” and depraved” mixed up.¬† I think you can see how well swell good an author I would make for a dickionary.
  • My house is the dirtiest it has been in years. (I am only doing this as a protest against Martha.¬† Yeah. That’s my story.)
  • Keelan is sitting on the couch, drinking Sprite, holding a stainless steel bowl in which to throw up.¬† Great.¬† Flu?¬† Who knows?
  • Grand total of hospital bill for John’s stay there? $85,403.00.¬† Thank you, God, for insurance.¬† However, with it we still owe $2470.00.¬† Shit.¬† And that’s just the hospital bill.¬† Stand by for lab bills and assorted doctor bills.
  • This post needs a picture.¬† What shall it be…..?


I don’t know what this is called. It is at my aunti-poo’s house and I took a shot of it the last time I was there.¬† Until someone tells me differently we’ll just call it “Beautiful flower”, m’kay?

  • ATTENTION: I believe that I may have sunk to a new cooking low.¬† I have now browned ground beef with onion and put it in the bottom of a cake pan and dumped a mixture of Bisquick, milk, cream of chicken soup, and frozen vegetables on top of it.¬† It is cooking… we will see.¬† I will feed it to Henrietta first. *evil laughter*
  • Everytime.¬† It should be one word.¬† I will fix that in my dickionary.¬† I’m not kidding you!¬† You will also be able to wear white after labor day, and name your child “Christian” even if you’re not. (Though people will still think it’s stupid.)
  • The… “Beef Bake”¬† is actually a huge success.¬† All the crossing of fingers and fervent praying has yielded a winner.¬† Whew! Until tomorrow, when the “what’s for dinner” crisis starts again.¬† Cause planning it NOW, is just not the HalfAsstic way.¬† I know you understand where I’m coming from. You did read this post, right?
  • Free Toes everybody!

Bullets… not silver ones though.

* I dumped a bit of critter food on a paver sitting in my flowerbed to try to lure the baby squirrels into my yard.    The little shits are very cautious about anything THAT easy to get to.  However I am getting some cardinals and other vermin critters, coming up.

*The other night Craig Ferguson said something like, ” Young people¬† who want change try to orchestrate a well placed riot.¬† Old farts like me¬† just think, “Get that riot off my lawn!”¬†¬† Heh

*Overheard at chez Lopez last night while discussing John’s midlife crisis crazies.

Kessa shot a look at The Boyfriend and said, “Honey, when you start having a midlife crisis I’m just shipping you off.

The Boyfriend, a tad bewildered, “To where?”

Kessa, “They have places for men to go to stay till they get over that stuff.¬† That’s where you’ll have to go!¬† But, don’t worry, I’ll still come and visit you once in a while.”

The Boyfriend contemplates this for a few seconds and says, “So that’s what happens to men…. what happens to women?”

Before Kessa could begin to formulate an answer, I snapped, “We start having periods once a month about the age of 12 and it lasts until who knows when!”

The Boyfriend, “Oh….yeah.”¬† Now he feels lucky.

* H, essentially, wet the bed last night.  Yesterday her catheter started failing and she was waking up with a leeeetle bit of pee in the bag and a lot in the diaper.  So I called the agency to come out here and change it.

They sent some new chick.  *sigh*

Now don’t get me wrong, she was nice, and doing the best she knew how. Yet, Henrietta is riddled with fistulas¬† to the point that it’s like Swiss cheese up in there.¬† At least that’s what I’m guessing since it’s such a hit or miss proposition to get the cath to work.¬† OK, mostly “miss”.

The nurse did her thing and left.¬† So cocksure of herself that she didn’t even bother to wait around and see if it “took”.

It didn’t and it was evident last night when I put H to bed.¬† She just had a wee bit ‘o wee in the bag.¬† Sometimes moving her around and, consequently moving the fistulas gets it all back lined up, so I was hopeful putting her in bed would do this.

About 8:00 this morning she was soaked in urine.¬† So I changed up all the fixin’s she was in, diaper, nightgown, hospital chux, etc. and she went back to sleep.

Here in a few minutes she is going to go sit on the bedpan and when she’s done, I am going to give changing the catheter a shot and I bet I can get it done.¬† If she’ll let me do it.

I’ll report back and don’t worry. ¬† I promise…¬† no pictures.