Hi, gang! How’s it hangin’? We’re all good here in HalfAssticland. I am preparing for a visit to Mither and Pop’s house here in the next couple of days. Mither told me the last time I was there that I was expected back soon to complete the ginormous kitchen redo we began when last I visited her.
I am going back on Friday and taking EXTRA slave labor with me. Connie, has foolishly sweetly made her services available and I may be a tiny bit slow in some areas, (mathematically), but I know when to take advantage of a unwitting victim.
She offered to help. I screamed yes and got someone to notarize a statement of agreement right there on the spot.
(Having a notary on retainer is one extremely useful tip when attempting to take advantage of good friends.)
So there’s no backing out now and we are off to die in the evil clutches of a maniacal kitchen makeover mad woman.
I have before pictures of Mither’s kitchen to share, but am going to wait until we are through and I can do side by side comparisons. In the mean time, I have other pictures of questionable quality to regale you with.
Ok, I was bored and it was late as evidenced by the shot of my TV with the Late, late night talk show on it. My point? Yes, I’m getting there! You people are pushy today…
That lamp in the picture, (the giant floating sphere beside Craig’s head), is not on his desk. It’s in my living room. Confused yet?
It’s a reflection and anytime I am sitting in my favorite chair and one of the kids is reading or doing homework on the couch with the lamp on, that’s what it looks like to me. It’s annoying and I keep considering writing in to his show to complain… I just can’t think how I’d state my complaint…
Next up here we have proof positive that Starbucks really DOES love me. Nothing rolls better than a Target shopping cart and the only thing that can top that is one with the nifty little cup holders you can borrow from the in-store Starbucks to clip on the sides and hold your coffee away from your purses. Kessa and I are all over this whole phenomenon.
He’s busy munching on a grasshopper one of the grandkids tossed into his web. He was really cool to watch and I wonder if he’s still there. I’ll let you know on Friday when we go.
Rather self-explanatory, don’t you think?
The tank at Mith and Pop’s is BADLY in need of a good rainfall. It’s getting all scummy.
Scorpion I found in the bathroom lavatory and smushed with a jar of petroleum jelly I was removing my eye makeup with.
This guy was on the wall inside the door of my room, about two feet down from the light switch. This was caught right before I murdered it with my flip flop.
Oops. Did I say “caught”? No, darling. Not in your wildest dreams. Taken, I meant TAKEN. As in the photo was taken.
I received this in the mail the other day and was a tad… disturbed. I mean, obviously the gigantic roach has been photoshopped onto the child’s forehead. Still… How very disgusting and horrid that anyone, yes, even in this economy, would swing so low with the scare tactics.
I had to snicker though… “Please share this with mothers only”. No father anywhere could possibly react properly, I guess.
Just to see what happened I left it on the wet bar, a.k.a. catch all area where everyone dumps their purses and leaves and picks up notes to others, etc. These people won’t throw away my mail so I knew it would stay. For days and days I kept turning it photo side up and the next time I saw it, it was turned over, face down. Finally Keelan snatched it up and demanded, “What the heck is up with this!? It’s gross, it creeps me out, and I want to throw it away!”
I started laughing and so she just did.
This is a test. Look closely at the photo above. NO! Never mind! That’s exactly what I don’t want you to do! How ’bout just glance at it and try to imagine doing it WITHOUT MY YOUR GLASSES.
OK, what is it? What do you do with it? THIS IS NOT A TRICK QUESTION. (ok, maybe a little.)
Now, I will put on my glasses and show you what it REALLY says.
Do you see the teeny tiny little “with”, before the words Fabric Softener? Do you also see that NO WHERE on the front of the bottle does it say DETERGENT? OK, that’s not true. It actually does say it in equally teeny tiny words over on the right, but my gawd! It shouldn’t be that hard to figure out what the heck you’re using when you start pouring laundry ingredients and mixed drinks!
I thought I’d never get all the soap out of the fabric softener dispenser.
I really need to just get some contact lens.
OH! Don’t forget to drop in on this post and enter my contest where you could win fabulous cash and prizes!
Whatever. It’s some good shit.
Till next time! Don’t let a perfectly good HalfAssticalism go by with out documenting it!
Comment by Red Hamster on September 1, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Great HalfAssticalisms. I love random stuff like this.
I had no idea there was a way to put a cup holder on a Target cart.
The pond behind our house is full of scum too; late summer is always pond scum time. Ick!
Speaking of Ick! It is bedtime for me and you just showed me pictures of giant spiders and squashed scorpions. If I have nightmares tonight – it’s your fault. Hahaha.
Comment by Nan on September 2, 2010 at 1:43 am
I put my hand on a scorpion once, it was in my laundry. It looked just like those ones, small and brown. It hurt plenty, but I didn’t die, which is good. I think some are deadlier than others… the small brown ones are supposed to be bad! Who knows.
Doc says it may affect my pancreas, whatever that means!
That cockroach pic… Boy, I like living in England now, there are hardly any bugs at all!
Comment by noe noe girl on September 2, 2010 at 6:46 am
You can keep that damn scorpion in your neck of the woods. And that spider too!
Cant wait to see the pics of the kitchen do over!
Comment by Roger on September 2, 2010 at 11:07 am
Love Craig Ferguson, and I am listening to his book “American on Purpose” – he’s reading it, and it’s awesome!
You can keep your bugs, me no likey.
As for the detergent, um, hahahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, I needed to laugh out loud there, or LOL as the kids would say. 🙂
Comment by Mr. Corvette on September 3, 2010 at 8:25 pm
Are Mither and Pop raising those crunchy, multi-legged, prehistoric animals?? I knew their home was in the country – I just didn’t know the country was in Africa.
Comment by lisa on September 3, 2010 at 9:27 pm
i hate the tv ads they used to have with the roaches crawling on the screen. i’m glad those are gone now.
i have been known to use regular dish washing liquid in the dishwasher- not dishwasher soap, but i know just to use a TINY DOT! last week-end my son filled BOTH of the compartments of the dishwasher with regular dish washing liquid and i got blamed for it, “well. mom used to do it!” They don’t watch close enough to get the nuances, just the gist. his wife had a fun time getting the mountains of suds off their floor. but i don’t like her anyway, so i think it’s freakin’ hilarious!
i one told my aunt about using mayo as an occasional deep hair conditioner. she forgot the part where i told her to leave it in for 30 minutes and then SHAMPOO it out, not leave it in and style your hair. her hair was plastered to her hair with grease and i think she may have even gotten flies. DING DONG!
Comment by lisa on September 3, 2010 at 9:29 pm
…and have you considered the possibility there is a tiny globed lamp inside your television? you might want to dismantle it and check, just to be sure.
Comment by Jean M. on September 4, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Dang that is awesome about the Starbucks cup holder at Target. I will keep that in mind the next time I go. Dang…. I could use some Starbucks right now.
Comment by Karen on September 7, 2010 at 5:46 am
Stop the presses – a cup holder for the shopping cart? Genius! And given out by none other than Starbucks themselves. Is there NOTHING that company can’t do?
Comment by Grandmother (Mary) on September 7, 2010 at 9:44 am
I came to co-exist with things critterly in visits to my daughter and her family who live in the rain forest of Trinidad. Can you say “tarantula”?
Comment by big hair envy on September 8, 2010 at 12:30 pm
YIKES! Y’all have some CA-reepy bugs down there in Texas!!
LMBO @ Lisa! Bwahahahahaha!!
Cupholders? For REAL? I can’t wait to get back to Target;)
WHEW! I got out of town just in the nick of time…..I’m really no good at home improvement projects, anyway!!
Comment by tattytiara on September 10, 2010 at 6:53 pm
Ah my dear, I do so enjoy your blog. Still giggling over that first caption.
Comment by Fiona on September 11, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Those cup holders are AMAZING.
Now if only Starbucks hadn’t abandoned my city…
Comment by Sandra on September 11, 2010 at 9:52 pm
So many critters in your post, I’m all itchy…mind you, i’m in Canada so if I’m squishing a scorpion with a jar of petrolium jelly, it’s ’cause somebody released it on purpose…still itchy!
Comment by ree on October 15, 2010 at 6:49 am
Ehem. Excuse me? Does that date up there say September 1st??? 🙂
Comment by gymgirl on December 25, 2010 at 1:45 pm
I haven’t been here for a while, glad to see things are still good with you.
and where do I get one to them cup holders?
Comment by tattytiara on December 26, 2010 at 10:56 pm
Looks like you’ve been keeping your blog as non-religiously as I have mine. Hope you come back, though – you’re missed!
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