I am now so utterly and completely in the 21st century that I am hurting myself with all the patting of my own back I am doing.

Two things have happened very recently that have rocketed me along and now, I am joining you all here in the world of Instamatic cameras, gasoline powered lawn mowers, gas stoves with pilot lights, electric vacuum cleaners, Atari video games and percolating coffee pots. You guys are just wowing the pants off of me and I SO am looking forward to joining you!

First of all I got a new phone and it is wonderful. We were eligible for an upgrade and, after having a stare down with the other members of the family, I grabbed it and ran wildly went methodically to the local Verizon store. I looked, browsed, asked questions, acted for all the world like I was going to leave there with a phone and they were very helpful.

I then went home and ordered it online where it was MUCH cheaper. S&H is free and it got here in two days.

LOOK!

And then you can open it and just like a closet full of wonderful new clothes, it reveals itself to you!

(Yes, I know that picture has a watermark thing on it saying it belongs to someone else and I don’t care.

I recommend you do the same, cause it’s not changing anytime soon…)

Did I mention all those wonderful new clothes make you look 10 pounds lighter? CAUSE IT TOTALLY DOES!

And people, my new wonder-phone will get online if I so desire. Yes, that’s right.

Uhhhhh, what? What’s that? You already have a phone that does that and are rather unimpressed with my ability to Tweet from the back yard?

Clearly, you don’t understand the distance this upgrade has taken me. I no longer have to walk up to a particular wall in my kitchen and stand there and crank a handle around in a circle while holding a receiver to my ear and speaking into a funny looking mouth piece coming out of the wooden box. I don’t have to go through an operator to call next door.

I GOTS RING TONES PEOPLE!

I have almost figured out how to work everything on it. The, (very few), remaining questions I have for the super efficient know-it-all’s at Verizon have to do, mostly, with things like what recipes will it do for supper and will it dust more than once every other month a week, and what are the buttons to push to change shitty diapers? Oooooh, I bet that is probably found on that touch screen thingy, since it would be a more…. sophisticated function.

Be honest. Any time you have ever pictured me changing the shitty diaper, has it ever ONCE occurred to you that what I am doing here is “sophisticated”?

No?

Well, maybe it should… humph!

My other world shaking announcement will no doubt set the techno-whizzes on their ears. THIS? Is no longer a large stainless steel hole under my counter where I desperately need more cabinet space.

This thing here? It’s called a DISH WASHER.┬á Let me tell you all about the magic that is this!

It washes, rinses, AND dries!

NO! I AM NOT SHITTIN YOU! Would I do that?

I have had it here the entire time we have lived in this house, but have done without it’s services for the past few months. The man from Sears Home Repair, (that I’m thinking about trying to get over here to hook up to my machine so I can get him to fix the garbage disposal), came out and fixed it and now I want to have his baby is on my Christmas card list.

I am telling you people, things cannot get any better around here!

OR COULD THEY?

Stay tuned. ­čśë