Hi! I just wanted to check in and wish every one of you, (yes, YOU… OK you too), a happy Easter! May all your Cadbury’s not break and leak goo all over you and your chocolate be unmelted. May your dyed eggs not crack while boiling and leave those unsightly dyed lines on the whites under the shell. May your Easter grass not get blown all over not only your yard but the neighbors as well. May the bees and wasps take a day off. May you not over cook your ham and turn out shoe leather. May your kids TRULY understand that the egg dye is permanent in a way that makes a Sharpie look like a piece of chalk. May the local brats not egg your house with any rotten ones they’ve saved up especially for you. May those damn, sneaky, chocolate bunnies not conspire to put ten pounds straight on your ass and hips. May the dog not decide that chocolate is yummy enough to eat the foil too… Until it throws it back up. May your dog throw up outside and not on your carpet. You know those adorable little Peeps? May you remember how disgusting they taste and not fall for trying to eat one. They are just as gross as last year. And the year before. And before, and…. Right, you get the picture.

I really don’t know what else to say, people. It is obvious all I want in life is for you to have a happy Easter. I feel certain I have wished you all the appropriate things. I am now leaving it in your hands.

Don’t screw this up for me. ­čśë