As an attempt to get a jump on things, I have been discussing with Tanya, the wonderaide that comes and gives Henrietta a bed-bath and feeds her breakfast 5 days a week, whether or not H has been telling windy stories. Mainly because I have found that when I am able to circumvent the telling of a particular line of storytelling it ceases to grow in her leetle head. Less problems later on, crying hysteria, embarrassment, etc.
The stories always make their debut with Tanya. You see MY little 87 year old, invalid mother-in-law is not all about just asking rude, embarrassing questions. Oh, no.
She gives as good as she gets.
Today Tanya reported to me that H is once again going on about Gilbert, my older daughter’s boyfriend and his, now well known, illegal shenanigans. The ones that live solely in her aforementioned leetle head.
According to Tanya, last night as H was lying in her bed about to go to sleep, a “very big policeman knocked on the front door quite hard and arrested Gilbert for practicing voo-doo.
A. If she was in bed how on earth could she see whoever came to the door?
B. Nobody came to the door. But I do remember one of the many times she rang the bell for me to go in there and do some sort of bullshit something, she asked me who was at the door. I replied, “No one. Why?” She said she had heard someone knock. I assured her she hadn’t and no one had knocked. “NO, REALLY, NO ONE!”
C. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think it’s illegal to practice voo-doo. Don’t know, don’t want to ever find out for sure.
D. Voo-doo? Really? This from the staunchest Catholic I know? I guess the superstitious Messican wins out over that.
Anyway, as I said, I try to preempt these things before they get crazy. Yeah. Too late. But you know what I mean if you’ve been following for long. The stories she invents grow in her head until they are fairly unrecognizable from the originals.
And this is Texas. She believes bigger is better.
So when Tanya had been gone for a while I wandered into the living room and asked her what she was finding in the paper. We chatted for a few minutes about the obits, cause hey, what’s a conversation with an old person without a discussion of who all they know that’s dead.
Presently, I said, “Henrietta, Tanya told me you were telling her about a policeman being here the other night.” She looked a bit startled and reminded me of a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
“Oh, yes! When he came to the door!”
“No, Henrietta, there has been no policeman here.”
“Oh, but he knocked on the door really hard! I heard him, Krissa!”
I explained once again that she didn’t hear any such thing and it was all in her head, just like I told her the night she insisted someone knocked.
I asked her why she thought it was a policeman and she said because Gilly was here.
“But, he wasn’t here! I told you that!”
Anyway, the conversation wound down with me telling her to stop making up stories and lying to Tanya. Not that she would ever believe them, but someday someone else might be here and she would totally tell them all sorts of shit that they would have no idea if it was all fabricated or not.
Kessa was upstairs listening to all of this, no doubt grinning the entire time. She came downstairs later and when I went over and looked at the grocery list this is what I saw:
Diapers Body-wash Coffee-filters rice
(And in Kes’s hand writing), VOO-DOO MATERIALS
She be’s a shit. 😉
I have a serious malfunction with my keyboard.
See picture below.
The “V” key is missing.
Well, not exactly missing so much as off and I can’t get it back on.
I was pounding away several weeks ago and the “v” was kind of strange and took a couple of extra hits to get to work. So I, as many times before, just plucked the little thing up and cleaned out the space underneath it. Something was stuck under there.
Then, just as always before, I tried to reapply the key. It won’t go on. I don’t know what the problem is. I have pulled up other keys and put them back on since then.
But not the damn “V” key. Nooooo. Now I have to carefully pound on the button. There is no light tapping involved in “v” typing.
I must really loVe you people! Do you have any idea how many times a “V” is typed in a typical post? I am being forced to stop and pound on that one key every time!
AND, I did a post about Voo-doo! That’s a lot of “V’s”, people!
Comment by Kori on March 4, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Well for god’s sake don’t tell H. about the V-she will think that Gilly did some voo-doo magic to it on purpose in order to make damns sure you couldn’t tell the workd about his eveil practices. *rolls eyes* I think you are one fine woman, you know that?
.-= Kori´s last blog ..It took me all day to write this so be gentle if you can =-.
Comment by tattytiara on March 4, 2010 at 6:27 pm
Well done on the pounded V posting, my dear, and as always full marks to Henrietta for creativity.
.-= tattytiara´s last blog ..I’ll even throw in a free title! =-.
Comment by Kristina P. on March 4, 2010 at 6:48 pm
When you you eVer need a V?
.-= Kristina P.´s last blog ..Snuggies for Seniors =-.
Comment by Karen on March 4, 2010 at 7:24 pm
And this is Texas. She believes bigger is better.
Bwahahaha! That sums up H, doesn’t it?
Comment by grandma j on March 4, 2010 at 8:21 pm
Yeah, it’s all about Texas. Oh, and VooDoo! Your daughter is a hoot with her grocery request.
I understand why it bothers you when H tells her tales. I had to take my mother to the ER, and forego a very special occasion we were supposed to attend because she wasn’t using her walker and fell down. When she started to fall, she grabbed at the wall and slid down it….taking the skin off her arm. She was on prednisone and it made her skin very thin.
On the way to the ER I chastised her for not using her walker….she didn’t answer me until she was being looked at by the doctor. When he asked her how she injured herself she told him I pushed her down! I had visions of being behind bars for senior abuse! Luckily the doctor didn’t believe her.
.-= grandma j´s last blog .. =-.
Comment by Ree on March 4, 2010 at 9:45 pm
Mr. Hot’s keyboard is missing so many keys I wonder how he even uses it. Then I remember all of the emails I get with n’s in the place of m’s.
.-= Ree´s last blog ..Oh Hai! =-.
Comment by Red Hamster on March 5, 2010 at 10:08 am
A “V” key that is broken?! Could it be voo-doo?! LOL
“what’s a conversation with an old person without a discussion of who all they know that’s dead.” So true; I try to avoid checking the obits in the paper…cause that’s just a sure sign of getting older.
.-= Red Hamster´s last blog ..What is a Hamster’s best friend? =-.
Comment by noe noe girl on March 5, 2010 at 12:02 pm
To hell with that grocery list….Someone really needs to get that book written. I’m telling you- ya’ll are missing out on some big money over there.
Comment by Hyphen Mama on March 5, 2010 at 3:05 pm
You’ll have to start calling it DooDoo and skip the V altogether.
Does Henrietta have an invisible friend? I think it’s time you introduce H to her newest “friend”.. give her a good name… Lurleen. And then you can ask her how Lurleen is every day and ask if she enjoyed her bridge game with Lurleen yesterday. Ask her if she liked that hideous outfit Lurleen was wearing yesterday and that you personally thought it was a bit too revealing. If she wants to have an imaginary life… give it to her. When she wants to know who knocked on the door, tell her it was Lurleen.. bringing Henrietta fresh cinnamon rolls and BOY! were they yummy!
.-= Hyphen Mama´s last blog ..How to guarantee Potty Training Success…. =-.
Comment by Nan on March 5, 2010 at 3:44 pm
HAHA! Your old lady is WAY more entertaining than MY old lady!
.-= Nan´s last blog ..I Just Don’t Know Where To Begin… =-.
Comment by Nicole on March 5, 2010 at 10:38 pm
I am laughing way too hard at Hyphen’s comment! She might be on to something . . .
And my kids have a nasty habit of ripping keys off of my laptop. At one point every single sentance I wrote was just a string of words with no spaces because they got ahold of the space bar.
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..(Mostly) Wordless Wednesday: Peek-A-Boo =-.
Comment by Roger on March 6, 2010 at 12:37 pm
I’m starting to believe H’s stories now, especially with the evidence you just produced.
Oh, and I only counted 27 V’s in this post.
Okay, that’s a fib I can’t count that high. 🙂
.-= Roger´s last blog ..OK Go =-.
Comment by Aunt Becky on March 7, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Bwahahahaha! I love you. Your blog never ceases to make me laugh my ass off.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Go Ask Aunt Statia =-.
Comment by DeNae on March 8, 2010 at 2:57 am
I’ve only been reading for a very short time, but are you sure your MIL is lying? Or is it dementia? Having watched both my grandmother and my husband’s grandmother suffer for years with non-Alzheimer’s dementia, I can tell you they think the things they’re saying, hearing, etc., are 100% true. It is just so incredibly sad.
And I only used the letter “v” three times up there, so maybe it really is superfluous!
.-= DeNae´s last blog ..For the Easily Entertained =-.
Comment by big hair envy on March 8, 2010 at 11:30 am
**snort* @ Hyphen Mama!!!!!
Thought you might enjoy this little “funny”…
BTW – My little corner store (in BFE) now carries pepitas!!! YAY!!!!!
.-= big hair envy´s last blog ..Candy & Flowers =-.
Comment by JennyMac on March 9, 2010 at 12:43 pm
And this is Texas. She believes bigger is better. = HILARIOUS. I would laugh, but you know, I don’t want the voodoo on me. Or the doodoo like HyphenMama suggested.
.-= JennyMac´s last blog ..Women over 30 shouldn’t do crack =-.
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