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Hello me lovelies! And how are you doing today? (Picture me nodding appreciatively.) Yes, yes… very good. That’s just great. Me? Oh, I’m just fine.

Or am I? No, thank you so much for asking, by the way, but I am NOT fine. I am steamed up. And not the way the title would lead you to think, either.

For the pitiful few men stumbling upon this blog, Sorry. You’ve been duped into thinking it’s going to maybe be racy. You couldn’t be more wrong. Not this particular one. But you never know, so keep checking back!

Now, where was I? Oh yes! I am all steamed up about something.

Remember last Christmas when I said I wanted a nook? It’s an e-reader put out by Barnes and Nobel. Well my wishes were heard by more than you guys! Santa Clause, John, Mither and Pop, and the girls all pitched in and bought me one. And I was thrilled with it. It worked great and was easy as pie to use. It allowed me to read any book I downloaded in extra hugeass sized font as well as bookmark, highlight, and look up words as I was reading. It’s small, lightweight, slim, fits into my purse very easily and never left my side. Well, not much anyway. Downloads for almost all new releases are $9.99 and I was rapidly working towards getting it to pay for itself when all of the sudden, it got a bit damp. It probably wouldn’t have been the end of the world since it was just a tiny bit of water that apparently got splashed from a glass, but it was in the protective gel case I bought for it and the water quickly went underneath it and pooled in the bottom. I didn’t know it was there and it sat in it for a while before I discovered it was wet. Soaking in it.

Anyway, I wasn’t the least bit worried because the nice little people at Barnes and Nobel sold me a handy dandy 2 year protection plan that is bumper to bumper, covering everything 100%. So I called the wonderful people at nook and talked to some very nice little man who did a “rapid return” and I had a new nook, literally the next day being dropped off by UPS. I then boxed mine up with the postage paid shipping label they emailed me and dropped it off at the nearest UPS drop off place.

No problem. This product and service is glorious. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Now the second one I got automatically had everything I had put on my old one as soon as I went on it and registered it to my account. I picked right back up with the book I had been reading and was soon engrossed in it.

Then the pages  started being really slow to turn. The old one hadn’t done that.

The thing would shut down quite unexpectedly and have to be restarted.

Then it started freezing up and would refuse to turn the page until I turned it off and back on. Remember the font was set in extra large hugeass size for me, so I am flying through pages pretty fast and when it does that every three pages, it sucks.

Then, all of the sudden, when I turned it off, it wouldn’t turn back on. Nothing. Well, crap. I waited a few days just because you have to spend a good deal of time on the phone when you call them, not just waiting on hold, but trying all the things that I had already tried, (like taking out the battery and putting it back in, etc.), while on the phone with a tech person.

So I called the people and went through the whole mess with them and the guy finally took my credit card number and said that the new nook was on it’s way. I guess they overnight them, or maybe do second day air. I don’t know, it’s just really fast. So almost a week later I am wondering WHERE THE HELL MY NOOK IS and I NEED SOMETHING TO READ, DAMMIT! am having some mild, reading withdrawal symptoms. I begin the extraction of hair on my head, by the roots, patiently wait a few more days.

You know I should take a sec and explain that that credit card number was so that they would have something to have on hold while they are waiting for their broken one to get back to them and I had 15 days to get it dropped off at the nearest UPS place before they would apply a charge for a new nook to my card. No problem, this seemed reasonable. They really are a bit expensive. The nook itself is $260.00 and the two year “Protection Plan” is another $70.00.  So it’s a rather large investment when you put it in perspective. I mean $330. isn’t much to pay for like, braces or something like that. Hey, it’s a heck of a deal! But this is just a lot of books! It is a frivolous thing in the grand scheme.

So the first time I talked to them about this particular nook and they were taking my card number and sending me a new one was on the 20th of February.

So I decided to call the dumbasses at nook headquarters. DUMBASSES IS TOO ONE WORD!

Huh? Oh, sorry. I lose my train of thought sometimes when I am STAND BACK! ABOUT TO BLOW! agitated, this can happen.

Loooong story short, (I know, too late… nobody likes a smartass. SMARTASS IS TOO ONE WORD!), I got Ali on the phone and he was polite, professional, good-natured, and not the least bit helpful.

I was on the phone for over an hour and a half, people. I could almost hear Ali thinking, “OH, DEAR LORD, PLEEEEEEEASE LET ME HANG UP WITH THIS WOMAN!” And I SO wanted to. Yet, I kept not getting the answer I was looking for.

So I just stay on the phone until someone there gives it to me.

Actually, John and I were both talking to them. Ali told us that the protection plan that we had purchased would only replace a nook I damaged accidentally, one time.

That? Is SO not what the people at Barnes and Nobel told us.

The argument was on.

First of all where the hell is my nookie? It’s been a week and it’s not here and they are going to charge my credit card for the old one after 15 days. That’s half gone! I’m not sending the old one back till I get the new one. I was very firm about that.

There never was an answer for that question. No tracking number they could give me. Nothing. And considering how much just one little gizmo costs you’d think they’d keep better track of them.

Second of all, I didn’t do anything to damage this nook, it was defective when I got it. Refurbished? That’s what I’m thinking. The other one worked great! But to tell me that I have no more coverage for damage by me dropping it, or running over it with the car, or letting a St. Bernard slobber all over it, or an eagle picking it up and depositing it in it’s nest for it’s babies to poop on? Well, THAT? is not what I was told when we purchased the “plan”. We argued this point with Ali and his supervisor for over an hour. While I was on the phone with them John got on his and called our local Barnes and Nobel and asked to speak to some one about purchasing a nook. He was promptly directed to a nook specialist. He asked about the nook and the protection plan and asked if the nook would continue to be replaced for the two years the plan is effective even if it is repeatedly dropped or abused by moi. “Oh, yes, Mr. Lopez! As many times as needed during the two years the plan covers! It’s foolproof!”.

Apparently this guy doesn’t know the fools at 1.800.THE.BOOK.

So then John asks to speak to a store manager and poses the same question to him. He is told the same thing from the manager. It is covered 100%, no matter what happens or who’s fault it is for two years. Bumper to bumper, as it were.

He took the phone from me and proceeded to tell the people at the mysterious call center that we were assured when we bought it that it was covered, and they are still telling us that it is covered for any problems I cause it.

And you know I can, too.

They then asked if we read the “Protection Plan”. NOW I’m pissed. Not just insanely frustrated. Completely. Ticked. Off.

If you go to this web site you can read the entire fascinating, small texted policy. Really! Just go ahead! Ton’s of fun!

I love to read and I couldn’t get all the way through. Besides I found where it admits that the afore mentioned fully covered thing isn’t entirely. It’ s waaay down  in the ugly insides of the thing. On towards the poop end.

Not to mention, we discovered that we are able to take the dumb thing back and get an exchange at the store! Those people are going to stand by what they believe to be the policy and exchange anything we take there. Until the dumbasses up in the corporate ivory tower figure out what is going on waaaay down here and pass down some mandate saying that the store employees have been instructed to do their sales pitch wrong.

Anyway, here it is, Saturday night and still I have no nookie.  *sob* At least John is going to be home from work soon and I’ll get some nookie from him! 😉