The other day here at Le House de Halfasstic I walked into Henrietta’s room to find her going through her rolling cart of tricks, “cleaning it out“, as it were. She was meticulously tearing up all forms of paper that she was throwing away. I know this because half of it was all over the floor. Millions of tiny little pieces of paper. I have seen her do this before and it is obviously something she makes a habit of doing every. single. time.
So I approach her about it.
“Hey, Henrietta! Whatcha doin’?
“Oh, I’m just cleaning out my papers. I just have so much stuff in here!”
This is clearly true as she keeps every letter, greeting card, bill and bits of junk mail that are addressed to her, because she “might need it”. She informs me of this current undertaking as she is shredding yet another piece of paper into tiny pieces.
I gesture to the litter on the floor and in the trash can and ask why she’s tearing it up.
“Oh, you have to be careful or they’ll read it!”
“You know!” She leans in conspiratorially, “Those trash men!”
“Do you really think the trash men are interested in your Christmas cards?”
I think she is feeling a little silly about it at this point and says, “Well, I guess there’s nothing they can’t see in there…”
And this is the way I got her to agree to stop tearing up all the paper into tiny pieces and dropping half of it on the floor around the trash bin.
One of my few wins that happened with no argument from her.
Comment by noe noe girl on December 11, 2009 at 3:24 pm
You crack me up! And what’s Christmas without a nut in it? I have a whole freekin’ tree full in my family! Does yours need some company!
Comment by Quixotic on December 11, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Bah ha ha!! My husband still insists on shredding (he actually went and bought a shredder) not only bills and stuff but cards, flyers, junk mail and post it notes I leave him. He’s paranoid about identity theft – I just say “Who the hell would want to be you?” Feel the love…
Comment by Roger on December 11, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I cannot believe how insensitive you and John are… buy the woman a shredder and save her sanity!! Oh and they are easier to clean up after as well.
Reminds me of a mean cruel, yet very funny joke I pulled on someone. This guy was insane about letting his address out to anyone. To the point that not only would he black out his address, but he would then follow up by cutting the address into many small pieces. Well, I got a hold of his address, and you know how all the magazines seem to “share” addresses of clients, etc. – at least that was one of his fears. Anyway, I got his address and went up to the convenience store and picked up “blow cards” (little magazine subscription ads that always fall out of the magazine) from a wide variety of magazines, including some of the adult variety – the gay adult variety as well. With said blow cards in my grubby little hands, I proceeded to fill out this guys information and marking “Bill me later” tab, and sent them away to be processed. It was the best “free” practical joke ever! I just wish I was there when his new bride confronted him about his choices in magazines. 😉
By the way, I don’t feel bad about it at all – he was a dick!
.-= Roger´s last blog ..Stem =-.
Comment by witchypoo on December 11, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Roger gets my vote! But seriously, a shredder is less than $20 and she’ll find it a thrilling Christmas gift.
.-= witchypoo´s last blog ..Not on the first date =-.
Comment by Aunt Becky on December 11, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I’m impressed! You won an argument! I don’t think I’ve won one in, uh….10-12 years?
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Further Proof For As Much As I Am Doing Wrong, I’m Doing Something Right* =-.
Comment by Krissa on December 11, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Are you people kidding? She would try to die at the though of a shredder. She’d be absolutely convinced that it was dangerous and she would have us buy her a helmet and safety goggles in order for US to come in and operate it for her. Pain in my ass.
Comment by JennyMac on December 12, 2009 at 2:18 pm
haha…cheers to your victory. And no sweet pea, the Trash Men DONT care about your Christmas Cards. LOL
.-= JennyMac´s last blog ..Take A Bite Of: Cookie Dough Truffles =-.
Comment by Chief on December 13, 2009 at 12:08 pm
sorry Ive been shitty. just reading your posts.
praying for crazy henrietta.
noticed that you signed up for the fat chic experiment.
its gonna be a riot
.-= Chief´s last blog ..Skinny Chics in Sumo Suits =-.
Comment by grandma j on December 14, 2009 at 2:04 am
Henrietta would go bananas with a paper shredder! I’m not far behind her…I’m convinced my trash man is looking for something in my trash to blackmail me with.
.-= grandma j´s last blog .. =-.
Comment by Quixotic on December 14, 2009 at 7:13 am
Yay you! Have nominated you for an award on my blog – check it out at http://quixoticlfe.blogspot.com/2009/12/honest-scrap-award.html
Comment by Nan on December 14, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Nutty as a fruitcake. You should totally get her a shredder for Christmas. It would make her so happy, and all the bits would be in their own little compartment!
.-= Nan´s last blog ..But First, The Highlights… =-.
Comment by tattytiara on December 15, 2009 at 12:55 am
Now be honest – how tempted are you to run up to her next garbage day and say “Henrietta! I saw the garbage collectors reading your Christmas Cards!”
.-= tattytiara´s last blog ..A title? You shouldn’t have! =-.
Comment by big hair envy on December 17, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I hope she doesn’t put two and two together, and figure out that Kessa’s boyfriend is in cahoots with the Garbage People……
Comment by Hyphen Mama on December 20, 2009 at 12:42 am
I concur! Get that woman a shredder for Christmas!!
.-= Hyphen Mama´s last blog ..Yeah Yeah Yeah…. I’m just gonna come out and say it =-.
Comment by grandma j on December 21, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Hope all is well, Krissa. Don’t tell me that you’re helping the garbage man piece together Henrietta’s mail? If I was closer I’d come give you a break and sit with Henrietta for a day. Yes I would.
.-= grandma j´s last blog .. =-.
Comment by Karen on December 29, 2009 at 8:44 am
Tell me you got her a paper shredded for Christmas.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..The Price of Gifts =-.
Comment by Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo on December 29, 2009 at 10:02 pm
but what about the paparazzi? They read EVERYTHING!
Comment by grandma j on January 1, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Happy New Year Krissa. Praying for good health wealth and anything else that you can think of. luv you!
.-= grandma j´s last blog .. =-.
Comment by warriorwitch on January 3, 2010 at 9:19 am
ha ha, tape one of those cards back together and put it in the post to her with a note asking her out on a date. sign it – the garbage man.
.-= warriorwitch´s last blog ..this is my corner, get lost =-.
Comment by Mither on January 3, 2010 at 1:41 pm
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