The other day here at Le House de Halfasstic I walked into Henrietta’s room to find her going through her rolling cart of tricks, “cleaning it out“, as it were. She was meticulously tearing up all forms of paper that she was throwing away. I know this because half of it was all over the floor. Millions of tiny little pieces of paper. I have seen her do this before and it is obviously something she makes a habit of doing every. single. time.
So I approach her about it.
“Hey, Henrietta! Whatcha doin’?
“Oh, I’m just cleaning out my papers. I just have so much stuff in here!”
This is clearly true as she keeps every letter, greeting card, bill and bits of junk mail that are addressed to her, because she “might need it”. She informs me of this current undertaking as she is shredding yet another piece of paper into tiny pieces.
I gesture to the litter on the floor and in the trash can and ask why she’s tearing it up.
“Oh, you have to be careful or they’ll read it!”
“Who?”
“You know!” She leans in conspiratorially, “Those trash men!”
“Do you really think the trash men are interested in your Christmas cards?”
I think she is feeling a little silly about it at this point and says, “Well, I guess there’s nothing they can’t see in there…”
And this is the way I got her to agree to stop tearing up all the paper into tiny pieces and dropping half of it on the floor around the trash bin.
One of my few wins that happened with no argument from her.
The nut.
You crack me up! And what’s Christmas without a nut in it? I have a whole freekin’ tree full in my family! Does yours need some company!
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Bah ha ha!! My husband still insists on shredding (he actually went and bought a shredder) not only bills and stuff but cards, flyers, junk mail and post it notes I leave him. He’s paranoid about identity theft – I just say “Who the hell would want to be you?” Feel the love…
I cannot believe how insensitive you and John are… buy the woman a shredder and save her sanity!! Oh and they are easier to clean up after as well.
Reminds me of a mean cruel, yet very funny joke I pulled on someone. This guy was insane about letting his address out to anyone. To the point that not only would he black out his address, but he would then follow up by cutting the address into many small pieces. Well, I got a hold of his address, and you know how all the magazines seem to “share” addresses of clients, etc. – at least that was one of his fears. Anyway, I got his address and went up to the convenience store and picked up “blow cards” (little magazine subscription ads that always fall out of the magazine) from a wide variety of magazines, including some of the adult variety – the gay adult variety as well. With said blow cards in my grubby little hands, I proceeded to fill out this guys information and marking “Bill me later” tab, and sent them away to be processed. It was the best “free” practical joke ever! I just wish I was there when his new bride confronted him about his choices in magazines.
By the way, I don’t feel bad about it at all – he was a dick!
Roger´s last blog ..Stem
Roger gets my vote! But seriously, a shredder is less than $20 and she’ll find it a thrilling Christmas gift.
witchypoo´s last blog ..Not on the first date
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I’m impressed! You won an argument! I don’t think I’ve won one in, uh….10-12 years?
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Further Proof For As Much As I Am Doing Wrong, I’m Doing Something Right*
Are you people kidding? She would try to die at the though of a shredder. She’d be absolutely convinced that it was dangerous and she would have us buy her a helmet and safety goggles in order for US to come in and operate it for her. Pain in my ass.
haha…cheers to your victory. And no sweet pea, the Trash Men DONT care about your Christmas Cards. LOL
JennyMac´s last blog ..Take A Bite Of: Cookie Dough Truffles
sorry Ive been shitty. just reading your posts.
praying for crazy henrietta.
noticed that you signed up for the fat chic experiment.
its gonna be a riot
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Henrietta would go bananas with a paper shredder! I’m not far behind her…I’m convinced my trash man is looking for something in my trash to blackmail me with.
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Yay you! Have nominated you for an award on my blog – check it out at http://quixoticlfe.blogspot.com/2009/12/honest-scrap-award.html
Nutty as a fruitcake. You should totally get her a shredder for Christmas. It would make her so happy, and all the bits would be in their own little compartment!
Nan´s last blog ..But First, The Highlights…
Now be honest – how tempted are you to run up to her next garbage day and say “Henrietta! I saw the garbage collectors reading your Christmas Cards!”
tattytiara´s last blog ..A title? You shouldn’t have!
I hope she doesn’t put two and two together, and figure out that Kessa’s boyfriend is in cahoots with the Garbage People……
I concur! Get that woman a shredder for Christmas!!
Hyphen Mama´s last blog ..Yeah Yeah Yeah…. I’m just gonna come out and say it
Hope all is well, Krissa. Don’t tell me that you’re helping the garbage man piece together Henrietta’s mail? If I was closer I’d come give you a break and sit with Henrietta for a day. Yes I would.
grandma j´s last blog ..
Tell me you got her a paper shredded for Christmas.
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but what about the paparazzi? They read EVERYTHING!
Happy New Year Krissa. Praying for good health wealth and anything else that you can think of. luv you!
grandma j´s last blog ..
ha ha, tape one of those cards back together and put it in the post to her with a note asking her out on a date. sign it – the garbage man.
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POST!!!