It occurs to me that I need to, occasionally, do a daily recap of activities here at Halfasstic Headquarters, (HH), in order for you to realize that the life of a stay at home caregiver provider person for a little old invalid lady in diapers is NOT ALL glamor, ALL the time.
No, really, it’s true.
So far today, I have, well, done nothing of consequence. But that won’t stop me from dragging you, my precious reader, through it, kicking and screaming if need be. Because, that? That is how dedicated I am to YOU.
Yeah. Let’s go with that.
Got up late. I always get up late. Late for what, Krissa? This is what you are asking yourself right now. (Yes, it is.) Late for life in general, gang. That’s how I roll. I stay up till the wee small hours of the morning and read and/or watch the boob tube. This is quite easy to do as I don’t get up until the butt-crack of noon, when H is finally stirring. I know what you’re thinking, (yes, again), and no, I don’t get that much shit done this way. Hence, the household has fallen into a pit of despair and, while I claim to be a genius at work and need it this way to be effective, we all, here at HH know the truth. It is only a matter of time before the health department shuts us down.
But, Krissa! Who will change H’s poopy diapers if that happens?!, you are asking, (with a good deal of alarm and emotion- at least in my leetle head).
I say if the health department peeps are the ones to take us down they’re the ones to take over the care and feeding of H. Yes sir! Sanitary poo! That’s what we all want, right?
It’s looking more and more like I may have figured a way out of this shithole place.
You want proof? It just so happens I provide it. See exhibit A.
Here we have the dishes that need to be washed, dried and put away. Oh, who the heck am I kidding here? Just thrown in the dishwasher.
Heeeeere we go! There’s underwear in that load of clothes! It needs folding and putting away. Along with all the dirty dishtowels, bath towels and and washcloths. Yes, my “hot load” is a hot mess. It’s all fine and dandy sitting there and not hurting anyone, UNTIL, the love bug gets home and can’t find any clean undies. He never actually says the words, “So, what have you been doing all day?”, I mean he IS still living and breathing and all… But I think from time to time, he might actually THINK something along those lines.
OHMIGAWD! I need to dust! If I’d been thinking, (something I am just considering stopping doing altogether… I mean this can only lead to trouble…), I’d have run my finger along the top of the mantle so that you could see better the layer of dirt dust thick enough to plow and plant write in. But I didn’t cause, subconsciously, I know that if I mess it up, it just shows up more.
Go ahead and click here and take a closer look. Baaaaaad. Granted, some of those markings are the pattern on the floor that some person who clearly doesn’t know me or my floors, designed into the tiles to make dirt and grass and leaves and coffee spills not show up as much. BWAHAHAHAHA! I blew their whole plan all to hell didn’t I?
Here we are at HalfAsstic Control Central. Or, better known as HACC. Yes, I realize that pronouncing it phonically ya get HACK. If you think I’m gonna be too proud to admit that at this point in the post you must be HIGH. This area could use some intense cleaning up. The printer at the back of the table was just recently added. Not because I use it, no, noooo. That would make sense! No, because I need to take some damn pictures of it and put it on Craig’s List. But here I am just doodling on the pooter and reading blogs and slinging shit when I get the occasional diaper requiring it.
Here, I’d like for you to take a look at my mad, maaaaad organizational skilz. This is merely the lap drawer of the desk. Trust me, the rest of the drawers aren’t much better. All I did was yank it open, check for any exposed credit cards and take a picture. I swear, no staging… I mean, there is a COTTON BALL IN THE DESK DRAWER. I will never know why…and I’ll be just as happy.
In an effort to get you to feel sorry for me I am providing proof that John is sick. “Whaaaa?”, you say. Oh, yes. It makes perfect sense to me. Let me explain: John has been slowly dying and taking me with him sick for about a week and a half now. He has coughed and coughed and coughed and the neighbors down the street frequently hear me yelling, “Stop coughing! I can’t hear the TV!” I have been taking excellent care of him and with him being a man and all he refuses to go to the doctor and see what that guy has to say. Cause along with the coughing constantly and breathing problems and my assurance that he has a respiratory infection, he has also depleted the last of his brain cells and can no longer make intelligent decisions for himself.
Oh, right. On the table above we have a jar of Vicks, (he seriously thinks this has healing properties), a box of tissues, behind it a bottle of cough syrup and a bottle of some sort of mucus expectorating drug. The hoop earrings and nail file are mine along with the cookbook I was perusing. Although, he could seriously rock those earrings if he just had the holes for them. Totally look like a pirate all swarthy and hawt. UNTIL HE COUGHED AND RUINED IT! Last night he slid down off the mountain of pillows I had him propped up on and started coughing as soon as he was horizontal. It was about three AM. I was busy reading and he interrupted my busy time.
HOW LONG MUST THIS GO ON?
I’ll let you know.
Comment by witchypoo on September 22, 2009 at 6:21 pm
You’re trying to illustrate sloth and clutter? Fucking amateur. Come over to the dark side. Visit a recovered OCD crazy lady.
.-= witchypoo´s last blog ..Mah Drawahs =-.
Comment by Ree on September 22, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Yea, it’s a good thing I’m not really at home. I’ve managed to NOT destroy this apartment but … only time will tell. 😉
Poor John. Tell him it’s Nyquil that has magic healing properties. A shot of the green stuff AND a shot of Jack Daniels and he won’t wake up coughing. (Or, you could just take it yourself and not hear him)
.-= Ree´s last blog ..This is not a post – it’s a placeholder =-.
Comment by Chief on September 22, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Are those forever stamps in your drawer. Those were a very smart investment you know.
P.S. your house is not dirty…what about H’s toilet?
.-= Chief´s last blog ..Stickie Note for Duke!………… COME HOME DUKE, IM LOSING MY MIND! =-.
Comment by Jean M. on September 22, 2009 at 9:57 pm
First of all my laundry pile is 5 times bigger than yours (it was about 10 until today) so I’ve got you there. Second..well I’m not sure about second yet but I’m right there with you in the OMG the house has gone to sh*t category. I am making progress though. Maybe I should take pics of my mess of a house and we can compare. Shoot we could make a blog carnival out of it, everyone link up your messy house pics. 🙂
My MIL always believes in the healing powers of Vicks and actually used to swallow it (I can’t even imagine!) to clear up her chest from the inside.
.-= Jean M.´s last blog ..Fall Reading Challenge =-.
Comment by Hyphen Mama on September 22, 2009 at 10:23 pm
9:20pm…Hyphen is laying in bed with her laptop, laughing her ASS off at Krissa…. until I COUGH SO LOUD I woke up the dogs. I would SO go take a picture of my sink, counter top, stove top and other counter top full of not clean dishes and email them to you … but for the very first time in my ENTIRE life, my mom was here today and cleaned my kitchen!!! It’ll be clean until approximately 3 minutes after Mr Hyphen gets home in an hour.
HACC. OMG you kill me.
.-= Hyphen Mama´s last blog ..Another unfortunate naming dilemma…. =-.
Comment by Simply Savvy Girl on September 23, 2009 at 7:47 am
Oh. My. You do make me laugh. I hope John gets to feeling better! Because really, you need your down time lady.
.-= Simply Savvy Girl´s last blog ..Savvy Kitchen Makeover Weekend #2 (Part 2) =-.
Comment by Aunt Becky on September 23, 2009 at 10:28 am
I need a desk drawer.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Nothing Is More Dangerous Than A Girl With Charm. Except A Girl With A Luger =-.
Comment by Kori on September 23, 2009 at 11:53 am
And yet your hosue is still cleaner than mine….kill.me.now.
.-= Kori´s last blog ..Numb and Tired =-.
Comment by Karen on September 23, 2009 at 2:29 pm
If you call that a mess, you’d be horrified at the conditions that we live in. Dust so think that you can’t tell what color the top of the computer stand once way. Dog hair rolling like tumbleweeds across the visibly muddied floor. Dishes piled so high in the sink that they’re overflowing onto the counters. Three baskets of folded laundry in the living room, two dirty baskets in my bedroom, and a heap in the laundry room. And let’s not even talk about the clutter, okay?
.-= Karen´s last blog ..The Hard Things =-.
Comment by Nicole on September 23, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I’m with Becky . . . man I wish I had a drawer on my desk! Is everyone at your house alive? If you can answer that question with a yes, then you, my dear, are a winner. To hell with the rest of it!
(And in all seriousness . . . kuddos to you for taking care of H. Being an adult caregiver is tremendously hard work, and there is not nearly enough support or resources available for those who do.)
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..I ♥ The Feeling Of Cold Steel Against My Skin =-.
Comment by Simply Savvy Girl on September 23, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Oh yay! I love that my site is on your computer!! Keep it there. Don’t read any others. You are MINE. ALL MINE. Mwwwa haaa haaa.
.-= Simply Savvy Girl´s last blog ..Savvy Kitchen Makeover Weekend #2 (Part 2) =-.
Comment by jennifer on September 24, 2009 at 2:14 am
Oh my goodness… your place sounds like mine… well, minus H and the poop I guess. However, yours looks far cleaner! I don’t think I can even post pics with the state mine is in 🙂 Hope John is feeling better soon!
.-= jennifer´s last blog ..Do you know TED…? =-.
Comment by Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo on September 25, 2009 at 6:45 am
meh. that is what my place looks like 5 minutes after I have cleaned it.
Comment by Nan on September 25, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Hide the bell. In the bathroom. And? My house is messier than your house!
.-= Nan´s last blog ..Internet! At Laaaaast! =-.
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