Archive for July, 2009

My bug collection.

Author: Krissa

Jul 25

A few months ago my next door neighbor came home with a new black Volkswagen Beetle.  Well, I do believe it was used, but only slightly.

First thing he did was begin to disassemble it and clean every. single. inch. of it.  I mean meticulously with a toothbrush and every cleaning product known to man.   New things were installed.  GPS system, radar detector, stereo, etc.

All this we could see from the window in our breakfast area.  The door panels were removed, the seats, the dashboard, the back where the engine is found was always open and the boot on the other end was more often than not as well.

This went on for MONTHS, literally.  Every single day, as soon as he got home from work and almost all day on weekends.

Finally, we were at a wedding reception, curiosity got the better of me and I asked his wife, “So eh…. what’s up with the new bug?  This elicited a huge eye roll and she asked me if I remembered Tim the Toolman on Home Improvement.

Home Improvement

She then asked me if I remembered how nothing was ever good enough just normal and working correctly.  It could always be improved upon and souped up.  She said this was her husband and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that car and once he started taking the door panels off he messed up something in the anti-theft area and the car wouldn’t start anymore.  He finally talked to someone at a Volkswagen dealership that explained that he would have to have it towed in and they would have to call Germany and have it “reset”.

The other ladies and I died laughing.  I know we had all been wondering the same thing.    She said God only knows how much money he had spent on that thing just tinkering around and breaking stuff.

For your viewing pleasure, (And just cause I think they’re so darn cute!), here are a couple of more I’ve seen around here!

DSC00415That red monster car parked on the other side of this one is the Lopez Family Truckster.  We were so honored by our parking space neighbor.

DSC00752OK, so it’s not such a fancy paint job… But I loves me a bright yellow car.  I just think the license plate should say “NOLEMN”.  Heh.

hippie-vw-surf-beetleThe Hippie Surfer and a few others that I got off the internezzzz.

1966 volkswagen beetle-7402741966 Beetle and one of my favs!  I can totally see me driving this with matching lipstick and nail polish… maybe shoes and purse, too.  Heh

fs_0599487001232297315Iridescent!

401724906_21121998d1OK, I am just not too sure about this, but it’s so bizarre I couldn’t resist.  I think it needs chrome hubcaps…

Free Toes, everybody!

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Filed under: crazy shit, Free Toes!, Just for fun!

Let's discuss world peace, curing cancer, ending hunger and me sweeping the floors.

Author: Krissa

Jul 21

These are all things that could happen some day… but, until they do it is in everyone’s best interest if they don’t , like, hold their breath or anything drastic like that.

Floors are an area of housekeeping that is an enigma for me.  I mean cleaning it has always been hit or miss at best.  I am quite careful of the dishes and keeping the kitchen clean.  My laundry is fastidious.    Toilets, clean enough to actually POOP in, (if you can imagine doing such a thing).   But the floors just seem like such a losing battle.  I mean, people actually WALK on those.  In their DIRTY SHOES.  And if anything gets dropped, nasty stuff or not, guess where it lands.  That’s right. Think about it, it has never made less sense to clean anything.

When the girls were babies, crawling around, I tied wet sponges to their little knees and hands and sent them on their way I made a better stab at vacuuming and sweeping and (yawn) mopping.  But as they grew older and developed immunity to plagues the ability to walk, their little faces shined, their hair gleamed and smelled of baby shampoo with a huge matching bow in it.  Their outfits were always washed, with no stains and perfectly pressed on the occasion it was needed.  Their little white lace-ups and sandals, always polished.  You’d never look at one of MY children and think that their mother was so ghetto that it would take a street sweeper to get her floors clean.  (Mither is going to DIE at that statement… maybe it’s a bit of an exaggeration.)

My dilemma now is somewhat different than it used to be.   I now have such “easy care” floors.  Ceramic tile in the kitchen, breakfast area, foyer and bathrooms and wood laminate through out the entire rest of the downstairs with the exception of my bedroom which is carpeted.   All the floors are… heh, “easy shine” .  But there is a buttload of them.  Did I say “buttload”?  Maybe I meant shitload… Hummm.  Well, for heaven’s sake!  Why am I second guessing myself?  I am just as certain of my housekeeping as I am of my grammar.

The hairy little dog doesn’t help things any.  She tends to produce great galloping dust bunnies that take on a life of thir own when turned loose in the house.  I guess they’re all domesticated, as far as I  know there aren’t any outside.

Trust me people, by the time they are entirely surrounded and caught, they usually have their own IQ’s.  It’s not unusual for me to have a showdown with them.

My particular variety sound a lot like Cheech and Chong…

Dust Bunny- “Hey, bitch!  You da maid?”

me- looking a bit scared, “…er, yeah?”

DB-”Woman, where you bean?”

me- “Uh, you know… dusting and… you know… there’s the shitty diapers and sheets and, and… WAIT A MINUTE!  You’re the dust bunny!  Why am I explaining myself to you?  GET OUT!  I’M GOING FOR THE BROOMY THING AND DUSTER PAN OTHER THING.  And I know you’re scared of those contraptions!”

DB- Clearly incapacitated by raucous laughter and drinking my beer, “Bitch, you don’ know how to use d’ose gizmo’s!  jes sit down and re-lax!”

me- With righteous indignation dripping out of my pours, yet sitting down just the same, “How DARE you!  I am the BIG CHEESE here buddy!  You need to get your shit together and get out!  YOU HEARD ME!  All your little dust bunny pets need to go too!”

DB- Taking a different tone now, “Now, come on chicka, settle down and  re-lax!  There’s a Boston Legal rerun coming on in just a few mee-nits and we can watch it…”

me- “Really?  Boston Legal?”

DB- “Suuuuure.  Ya know, chika… we could use some popcorn…”

10 Comments
Filed under: Housekeeping, Talking dust bunnies

Award! Bad, BAD Mom, and Bastards of another nature.

Author: Krissa

Jul 20

Guess what?!  You can’t?  Really?  Cause I think you should just give it a try.  OK, OK, geeze, I was just trying to have some fun.  (And isn’t that a rather sad commentary on my life… ;-) )

OK the thing is that I have not only been awarded an award by a wonderful blogger that I love to read BUT, he has created it for ME!  Well, he was definitely thinking of me when he made it.

Predo, over at Spartacus Wore a Skirt, has bestowed upon me the coveted Dingle-Berry Award.  His reasons for doing so are varied and like everything he writes, very well put.  Let me just say that he has proclaimed me an expert in, “the world of Poo”.  And let me tell you, there is a lot of poo in the world.  I would know, as most of it seems to be here at this house.  Well, some days it is.  (Don’t be sending the health department out here.  They will run away scared.)

Anyway, as soon as my dear brother, Cam, gets the code-y thing for the award, he’ll pop that rascal right up here.

Thank You, Predo!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, the dear little senior ding-a-ling  is home from her travels.  She went to Sea World in San Antonio over the weekend with The Boyfriend’s family.  Oh, and The Boyfriend.  They had a wonderful, if not sweltering, time.

Now, understand, Kessa is the biggest tightwad in the world and therefor, even if I had been sleeping with a hundred men when I got pregnant with her, no DNA test would be needed to prove she is her father’s direct descendant.   This is just the facts.  They are two of a kind.

Well, my darling daughter must love me a great deal because she brought me a coffee mug from Sea World that cost $10.00.  Ten dollars for a coffee mug.

Before I even even got to use it the first time, look what I did.

I am such a clutz.

I am such a clutz.

I’m sorry, Kessa.  John brought home a piece of salmon that was shrink wrapped in some plastic and when I picked it up off the counter to put it in the fridge the mug was sitting just a tiny bit on the edge of the plastic and it drug it off the counter and onto the floor.  Crash.

BUT, I still intend to use it!  I am going to get the bastard file out of the garage and file those nasty points down so that I don’t get blood all over myself every morning by slicing open my hands on it.  That would suck.  Of course that’s just a matter of opinion.

Bastard file

Bastard file

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And there are more happenings… let me think.DSC00734

Here’s the quilt that Mither gave me when we were visiting her.  Isn’t it beautiful?  My great-great aunt made it.

DSC00767John and I went to The Main Event the other day and went bowling!  Only the third time in my life I’ve been that I can remember.  Second time since I was grown.  Man did he beat me bad.  Don’t even ask me for a score… embarrassing.

DSC00773Pardon the really bad picture quality, but I couldn’t use a flash very well when people were trying to bowl.  I mean they could all see my score and would immediately be convinced that I was so embarrassed that I was trying to sabotage their games to make mine look better.   Picture lynching and shoot outs.  You know- Texas.

Anyway, does this chick not have the hugest hair you have ever seen?  And it wasn’t just huge on the top and back.  No, no, it was… built way out on either side of her face.  And she was a young skinny little thing, too!  She had a couple of little kids with her that looked totally normal with normal hair.  It was kind of like a train wreck.  I just kept finding myself looking at her when she bowled.  I wish the picture was better.

Are you seeing this Angie of Big Hair Envy?  Cause, day-yum!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DSC00753I got new Crocs!  And aren’t they cute?!  I hardly take them off!  Plus, Kessa, who is on her feet all day as a pharmacy tech at the drug store, tried them on and immediately went out and got some for her to wear to work.   Tell me true! You’d never think these were Crocs, would you?  Ree, at Hotfessional, sold me on them and I’m glad I tried them on as I was instantly hooked.

DSC00754Well, that’s it for me, you guys!  Henrietta is gonna want to poo anytime now and I gotta go get that  bedpan ready!

Free toes, everybody!

12 Comments
Filed under: Award!, Hodgepodge

To Whom It May Concern,

Author: Krissa

Jul 16

Dear Adorable Little Baby Squirrel,

What up?  Not you, that’s for sure.  You spend the majority of your time down on the ground eating the critter food I put out for you and your competition friends.  Yeah, the cardinals see you coming now… there’s no need to rush the whole group of them to get them to leave and make room for your fat ass.    Have you noticed it’s harder to get rid of the blue jays?  I know this is the biggest obstacle for you as far as your grub goes.  And I have also noticed how you have moved into our yard and not told any of your little squirrely friends.  It’s like all the sudden the food is free and easy to find and you stop socializing.   And get rather obese.  What I’m trying to say is these are signs of depression and you may want to see somebody about it.

Sincerely,

Your Benefactor  (The weird little lady that watches you out the window and laughs when you have gotten so fat that you can’t hold on to the side of the tree without dislodging large chunks of bark.)

Dear Lovely Neighbors,

You people are wonderful in every way, truly the nicest neighbors in the world.  Really.  Loves you lots.  But can you say, “Overachiever”?  The lawn watering, shrubbery grooming, flower planting, weed pulling thoughtlessness of you narcissistic yard-of-the-monther’s is wearing thin.  Have you ever stopped and thought that you are making the slackers less exuberant landscaping homeowners feel even more apathetic shame and disgrace about their yard?

Well, I feel sure that now that I have pointed this out you will try to curtail the all that yard work.

Thanks heaps,

The Messicans on the Block

Dear Ding-a-Ling Daughter (the Junior),

I told you so!  Yes, I will say it again, I told you so!  Complaining for ages that your back hurts and then, telling me that you don’t want to go to the chiropractor because you don’t like wearing paper gowns, is not the brightest idea you’ve ever had.  And see the gowns weren’t paper, they were cotton!  In this family we like to show a little class when we flash our ass out of the back of our clothing!

SEE!  The doctor was very nice and she didn’t torture you at all.  And don’t get all pissy with me about the electric stimulus thingy.  If I had told you she was going to hook you up to electrodes and shock you, would you have gone?  YES, you would have, but it would have been more of a, “Because I said so!” type of thing and less… self propelled.  Bottom line is, does your screwed up little back feel better now or not?  Well, it will after you go back on Monday.

YES, YOU ARE!  DO NOT START WITH ME….

Your ever-loving Mother

Dear Henrietta,

Last night was a bit trying, I know.  And indeed it was my fault that I let you run out of the Ativan.  You see the bottle said there were two refills left and I didn’t pay attention to the fact that the date had expired.

You know those little pills only last for four (4) hours?  Yep, it’s true.  I am betting your inability to sleep for the entire night could be directly contributed to the fact that we didn’t have a handy-dandy placebo.  If we had, you would have done fine.  Shedding all those crocodile tears this morning because you were, “tired” couldn’t have helped any.  And the “diarrhea” you are convinced you had?  Due entirely to your nerves…or maybe that you are on my last one.  Huh?  Wonder if it could work that way?

Where was I?  OH, YES.  Your grand-daughter, Ding-a-Ling (the Senior), is going to bring home your precious little white pills with her when she gets off work.  If you’re good, I will give you one. (Read: I would rather die than have you go without that damn pill for another horrible, sleepless night.)

Sincerely,

The Bitch That Has Complete Control of the Dispensing of Pills in This House

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Filed under: Uncategorized

Ode To A Cherry

Author: Krissa

Jul 15

Dedicated to Witchypoo

P. Avium

But, that’s not what I call you.

I lust after you,

Dark red and sweet

And day dream

That your trees

Line my street.

I consume you

By the pound

In quantities that

Would astound.

When on sale

For a mere,

99 cents a pound.

No, this poetry thing

Is not my forte,

Yet, after sitting and

Eating them all day,

This, I can

Assuredly say,

I like the sweet ones,

Not the tart.

What’s that noise?

Why, that’s a fart.

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Filed under: Poem
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