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Dear child of my loins,
You, (insert name here), and your sister are welcome to continue to live here in our house along with your father and me, (he will be getting his own letter), for the foreseeable future as long as you are in school or gainfully employed. Please take note of the “gainfully” part. This means that you will be expected to work enough to support your movie going, eating out, gas consuming, clothing buying, habits. We will not be charging any rent. Nor will you be responsible for any portion of the water, gas, electric, or phone bills. We are even going to toss in payment for the insurance of your vehicles as a show of goodwill. That’s right. You buy ’em, we’ll insure ’em. We’re just uber cool like that.
All this and help with college, too? At this point you’re probably asking yourself how you got so lucky. You should be.
Also, take note that in that first sentence I referred to this establishment as “our house”, please understand that I am referring to your father’s and my house. I know that we all refer to it as your house too, but lets face it, that’s loose terminology and it’s either that or tell everyone you are homeless, as in you do not own a house. To keep from causing you embarrassment we decided when you were mere babes, (4 years old), we’d let you claim residence here, also.
Remember that reference to the fact that we are paying for your insurance? We are, likewise, looking for that elusive “show of goodwill” thing to come from YOU. The very next time I ask you, (And, yes, this does mean your sister too, because God forbid I should ask one of you to do something the other hasn’t been asked to do the exact same thing), to, oh, let’s see… take out the trash, I am now going to expect a response that doesn’t register on the Richter scale. I might, from time to time, ask you to load the dishwasher or unload it. This is not, as you may think, in anyway an attempt to bring on your premature death. But, merely a normal household function that thousands, NO, millions of offspring your own age are actually performing without drama in homes all over the country.
Yes, I know you don’t believe me. You are encouraged to do research on this whole phenomenon on your own. AND, there’s even more that you could find out if you so desired. The fact that many young people your own age get along with one another and treat each other as people rather than plague infected rats. You know. The way you treat your friends. This is how I would like you to start treating one another, because, frankly, I am fed up with mediation. I really would just a soon let you kill one another as step in the middle of all that shit even one more time.
My patience with all that? It has done worn thin, people.
So. There you have it. Good luck and my best wishes for your futures and I am sincerely hoping for you both to have a long life not cut short by any more drama mistakes you may be inclined to make in my house.