Dear child of my loins,
You, (insert name here), and your sister are welcome to continue to live here in our house along with your father and me, (he will be getting his own letter), for the foreseeable future as long as you are in school or gainfully employed. Please take note of the “gainfully” part. This means that you will be expected to work enough to support your movie going, eating out, gas consuming, clothing buying, habits. We will not be charging any rent. Nor will you be responsible for any portion of the water, gas, electric, or phone bills. We are even going to toss in payment for the insurance of your vehicles as a show of goodwill. That’s right. You buy ’em, we’ll insure ’em. We’re just uber cool like that.
All this and help with college, too? At this point you’re probably asking yourself how you got so lucky. You should be.
Also, take note that in that first sentence I referred to this establishment as “our house”, please understand that I am referring to your father’s and my house. I know that we all refer to it as your house too, but lets face it, that’s loose terminology and it’s either that or tell everyone you are homeless, as in you do not own a house. To keep from causing you embarrassment we decided when you were mere babes, (4 years old), we’d let you claim residence here, also.
Remember that reference to the fact that we are paying for your insurance? We are, likewise, looking for that elusive “show of goodwill” thing to come from YOU. The very next time I ask you, (And, yes, this does mean your sister too, because God forbid I should ask one of you to do something the other hasn’t been asked to do the exact same thing), to, oh, let’s see… take out the trash, I am now going to expect a response that doesn’t register on the Richter scale. I might, from time to time, ask you to load the dishwasher or unload it. This is not, as you may think, in anyway an attempt to bring on your premature death. But, merely a normal household function that thousands, NO, millions of offspring your own age are actually performing without drama in homes all over the country.
Yes, I know you don’t believe me. You are encouraged to do research on this whole phenomenon on your own. AND, there’s even more that you could find out if you so desired. The fact that many young people your own age get along with one another and treat each other as people rather than plague infected rats. You know. The way you treat your friends. This is how I would like you to start treating one another, because, frankly, I am fed up with mediation. I really would just a soon let you kill one another as step in the middle of all that shit even one more time.
My patience with all that? It has done worn thin, people.
So. There you have it. Good luck and my best wishes for your futures and I am sincerely hoping for you both to have a long life not cut short by any more drama mistakes you may be inclined to make in my house.
Comment by Jean M. on March 22, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I’m thinking that is beyond reasonable because there is always the alternative.
Jean M.’s last blog post..I Take Back What I Said Yesterday…
Comment by momx2 on March 22, 2009 at 6:00 pm
I am so steeling your letter! I have 2 teenagers who think they live in a soceity of entitlement. I love how your letter put it all into perspective.!!
Comment by Predo on March 22, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I don’t think you missed a single thing! I am already sending emails out to ALL of my friends who are parents!!!!!
Predo’s last blog post..There is a new man in my life…..
Comment by Karen on March 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Can I copy this and give it to my own offspring? Or do you have this copyrighted?
Karen’s last blog post..The Weekend in Pictures
Comment by trannyhead on March 22, 2009 at 10:21 pm
trannyhead’s last blog post..The Serial Hugger
Comment by witchypoo on March 23, 2009 at 6:44 am
I wish someone would pay my insurance.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Grace the Seventh
Comment by Noe Noe Girl on March 23, 2009 at 8:58 am
Consider this stolen !
Comment by Kori on March 23, 2009 at 5:38 pm
What was that rat-infested comment? and may I borrow it for mine?
Kori’s last blog post..A Photo Post!
Comment by Big Hair Envy on March 23, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Sounds like Cam is not the ONLY one in the family who will soon be published…..
Go get’em, Girl!!!!!
Big Hair Envy’s last blog post..So Many Choices, So Little Time
Comment by Ree on March 23, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I WILL be plagiarizing this letter.
Ree’s last blog post..Mute Monday – Space
Comment by Serendipitous Girl on March 25, 2009 at 12:27 am
Um, SSG will TOTALLY move in under these conditions! I’ll even help with the dishes and keeping H company. But I’d be willing to pay a little rent to get out of changing diapers.
Fisher and I are on our way! Are they hiring at like Starbucks or something down there?
Serendipitous Girl’s last blog post..Office Horticulture
Comment by Frita on April 9, 2009 at 11:43 pm
OMG so good! I’ll have to save that one for little Bob when she is older!
Frita’s last blog post..Working Through…
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