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I have been posting less and less lately. I lie in bed at night and think of two dozen things I could potentially jot in here and discard them all one at a time. Either while I’m thinking of them or the next day, (when I can never recall a lot of them). I have either already written about something along the same lines or the subject is something that has gone on and built up so much that I feel like I would have to start a small novel to convey all that’s happening. And, that? Has turned into something that is overwhelming.
This never used to be a problem. There was no shortage of goofy little day to day things going on around here that desperately needed to be told to YOU. I mean you needed to know. How you got through your days without knowing every little nuance of Henrietta’s bowel movements before I started blogging is a mystery.
Also, the whole “keeping the house up” thing is… falling down. Now, don’t get me wrong, we don’t live in a pig sty or anything remotely like it, (I swear to God, I am NOT answering the door if see City Sanitation knocking, so DON’T call.), but the new has worn off of living here, (It’s been four years.), and I’m letting everything slide. I need to be able to look around and see everything as “Done”, like I used to be able to. THAT feeling was soooo nice.
For some reason I can lie awake at night and plan it, heck, think about it endlessly, but then next day I can find dozens of excuses not to do the tons of little things that I know would make me feel better.
I need my self confidence back. I need to feel like there’s a good enough reason to get up fairly early and take a shower then, (not between 11:00 and midnight), and get dressed in clothes, with a bit of make up. I KNOW it would make me feel better. I just don’t seem to think that’s a good enough reason to do it at the time. (Yes, I know that makes no sense.) Maybe it’s not as much a self confidence thing as a self esteem thing.
And another thing. Sleep. I can’t seem to get enough of it and it’s always pretty crappy. All the THOUGHTS keep me awake.
I am thinking of maybe seeing about getting some anti-depressants. I’ve been on them before and it was all good. It’s been a long, long time, but I think I remember feeling somewhat like…this. I mean before it got so bad the panic attacks set in. Not looking for that to happen again. No. For sure wanting to sidestep that.
I’ve got to get something going on. This sucks.