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Does it make me a defeatist to not make any resolutions just because I already know what has to be done and for some reason it doesn’t seem like “declaring” it will make any difference one way or the other?
OK, well in the spirit of reform, here goes:
1. Lose more weight. (Yeah. I know. Super original.)
2. Sell approximately half the crap in this house on ebay, cause people, we are knee deep in shitola we don’t need. And did I mention that we are up to our…well, let’s just say above the knees in bills?
3. Get Henrietta a job cause man, she needs to start pulling her weight around here! I’m thinking nothing too harsh, (on account of her advanced age), maybe something in the area of construction work?
4. Get John to gain the weight back that he’s lost cause while he looks super hawt and is a complete turn on, I don’t need the added pressure to lose my weight. I mean, who wants to compete with that?
5. Cook more often. I am bad about not preparing a meal for the whole family. I mean they’re never all here at the same time anyway, but maybe if I cooked one of the…probably, like…THREE things they can all agree on twice a week, well that’s almost a whole week’s worth of meals right there. *…dirty bastards…*
6. Once every month six months OK, once a year at least, dust my ceiling fan blades. Cause, I mean if I were to get all the dust and dog hair down off of those bad boys, you guys, there is an entire small dog up there. FREE PET! That’s what I’m thinking!
7. I really, really know I could solve many of the Lopez family’s, nay! the WORLD’S problems if I were allowed to stay in bed even later in the morning. You know how when you first wake up and are laying there half awake and partly asleep, and the rest of you God only knows where, your mind is so clear and little things that you didn’t even know were plaguing you are suddenly solved and you can see so clearly what to do? The lists of things that you have been forgetting about for days are suddenly front and foremost in your mind and the first thing you are going to take care of when you get up. Well, this kind of clarity does not happen when the alarm clock wakes you up. Oh, no, people. You must rouse slowly and have time to ponder… oh, I dunno, shit like peace in the middle east, world hunger, the national deficit, putting dog food on the grocery list. The ideas I have to fix all of these things are nothing less than BRILLIANT, right before I have to wake fully and get up. I am willing to stay in bed as late as it takes and fall asleep and wake back up as often as I have to until we get some firm answers to some of the most difficult problems. I will make the sacrifice to get these things taken care of. On the surface these answers may seem a bit bizarre, but I AM TELLING YOU, In the dream I was having this morning, feeding the dog Styrofoam packing peanuts was BRILLIANT!
8. OK. Here’s the deal. There is no number 8. If I think of anything when I wake up tomorrow morning I’ll be aaaaaall over it.
If anyone has any personal crisis’s that you would like me to address, I’ll do my best and as soon as the vital sleep cycle has taken place I’ll get back to you.