Does it make me a defeatist to not make any resolutions just because I already know what has to be done and for some reason it doesn’t seem like “declaring” it will make any difference one way or the other?
OK, well in the spirit of reform, here goes:
1. Lose more weight. (Yeah. I know. Super original.)
2. Sell approximately half the crap in this house on ebay, cause people, we are knee deep in shitola we don’t need. And did I mention that we are up to our…well, let’s just say above the knees in bills?
3. Get Henrietta a job cause man, she needs to start pulling her weight around here! I’m thinking nothing too harsh, (on account of her advanced age), maybe something in the area of construction work?
4. Get John to gain the weight back that he’s lost cause while he looks super hawt and is a complete turn on, I don’t need the added pressure to lose my weight. I mean, who wants to compete with that?
5. Cook more often. I am bad about not preparing a meal for the whole family. I mean they’re never all here at the same time anyway, but maybe if I cooked one of the…probably, like…THREE things they can all agree on twice a week, well that’s almost a whole week’s worth of meals right there. *…dirty bastards…*
6. Once every month six months OK, once a year at least, dust my ceiling fan blades. Cause, I mean if I were to get all the dust and dog hair down off of those bad boys, you guys, there is an entire small dog up there. FREE PET! That’s what I’m thinking!
7. I really, really know I could solve many of the Lopez family’s, nay! the WORLD’S problems if I were allowed to stay in bed even later in the morning. You know how when you first wake up and are laying there half awake and partly asleep, and the rest of you God only knows where, your mind is so clear and little things that you didn’t even know were plaguing you are suddenly solved and you can see so clearly what to do? The lists of things that you have been forgetting about for days are suddenly front and foremost in your mind and the first thing you are going to take care of when you get up. Well, this kind of clarity does not happen when the alarm clock wakes you up. Oh, no, people. You must rouse slowly and have time to ponder… oh, I dunno, shit like peace in the middle east, world hunger, the national deficit, putting dog food on the grocery list. The ideas I have to fix all of these things are nothing less than BRILLIANT, right before I have to wake fully and get up. I am willing to stay in bed as late as it takes and fall asleep and wake back up as often as I have to until we get some firm answers to some of the most difficult problems. I will make the sacrifice to get these things taken care of. On the surface these answers may seem a bit bizarre, but I AM TELLING YOU, In the dream I was having this morning, feeding the dog Styrofoam packing peanuts was BRILLIANT!
8. OK. Here’s the deal. There is no number 8. If I think of anything when I wake up tomorrow morning I’ll be aaaaaall over it.
If anyone has any personal crisis’s that you would like me to address, I’ll do my best and as soon as the vital sleep cycle has taken place I’ll get back to you.
Comment by Mr. Corvette on January 3, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I think you may be going about your problem-solving bassakwards (or ass backwards). Here is my proposed list of resolutions for your consideration. There are only three, so this should be a snap (if you don’t snap first).
1. Find someone to give 24-hour care to H at no charge.
2. Teach John to get out of the house quietly in the morning with no assistance from you.
3. Teach your angelic female offspring to do likewise.
When the above is accomplished, voila, you have solved the sleep issue and now your newly-awakened creative mind will automatically solve any other problems such as the ovwerwhelming shit in the house and the bills.
You do not owe me anything for this insightful advice. My purpose in life is to simply spread sunshine wherever I go.
By the way, Happy new year to you, John, and the girls. Tell John “Hello” for me. I miss you guys.
Comment by Krissa on January 3, 2009 at 3:58 pm
My power doesn’t work like that. It’s kind of like the psychic that can’t see any information that would directly influence her or his life. I think this is a natural stop guard that has to be in place to protect the rest of mankind. You know how my mind runs a bit to the crazy side? Yeah, well, I can totally see me becoming this evil dictator that forces everyone to sleep late everyday and drink only sweetened iced tea when what they really want is diet Dr. Pepper. And that’s only the beginning of my reign of terror. I think I would do away with the “yellow option” in the traffic light line up. Green or Red? Do you make it or play it safe? Who knows until you try. MUCH more interesting.
But, the offer remains open. If you have any personal problems, send them my way and I’ll… (dare I say it?), sleep on it. BWAHAHAHA!
Comment by witchypoo on January 3, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I never make resolutions, but this year, I think I will have goals.
I’m askeered of my ceiling fan too. The ceilings here are so high that I would have to stand on a stepladder to vacuum them. If I dusted the blades, we wouldn’t be able to breathe.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Email Peep
Comment by Big Hair Envy on January 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I think you should get H. a job as a bartender. She would certainly provide interesting conversation for her customers:) It’s also low stress, and she could sit down as needed…. Problem solved. ( I slept in the past three mornings, which must mean that I am at the top of my game.)
About the diet thing…I chose South Beach because you CAN have red wine after the first two weeks. Fabulous!!!!!
Big Hair Envy’s last blog post..Getting Ready
Comment by Memarie Lane on January 3, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Henrietta should start blogging. Cuz, you know, we’re all making such a killing at it. 😛
Memarie Lane’s last blog post..2009 Resolutions, Day 2
Comment by Ree on January 3, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I usually wake up at 7 a.m. Yawn, kick the dog in the head, roll over and go back to sleep until 9.
I never have any good ideas, dammit.
Ree’s last blog post..Holiday Wrap-Up
Comment by Predo on January 3, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Would H be my book-keeper? SSG is gonna be my pimp and she says that I wont have time to balance my checkbook!!!!!
Predo’s last blog post..Acupuncture
Comment by Jennifer on January 4, 2009 at 2:36 am
We have similar plans this year… getting rid of the crap in 09! I spent several hours yesterday going through boxes of CRAP that I have been hauling around and were so important at some point in time. Felt so good just to toss them… No more worries about what I should be doing with stuff… could do.. etc. Just getting rid of it. If I don’t use it on a regular basis, it’s outta here.
As for H… I saw Benjamin Button tonight. He got a job on a tugboat when he was like 80…
Jennifer’s last blog post..Happy New Year Peeps…
Comment by Serendipitous Girl on January 4, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Wait, I thought I was going to be Predo’s back hair braider … JEEZ that man has me doing more jobs than you do!
Serendipitous Girl’s last blog post..Bad Boys Bad Boys (Allegedly)
Comment by Anglophile Football Fanatic on January 5, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I’m laughing, because yesterday I dusted the fan blades – for the first time all year 🙂 I wish you luck getting hubby to gain the weight back!
Comment by cool breeze on January 5, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Ok, so it seems you have many more issues to deal with other than some silly resolutions.
For crying out loud, you are trying to save the world.
Comment by Kori on January 5, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I have actually convinced myself that I LIKE my ass the size it is; that way I don’t have to do anything about it.
Kori’s last blog post..Recap of 2008
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