Well, the good news is… I’m not dead. I have just been on hiatus, hanging out with Mither and Pop. They are down visiting and we are having a grand time. We don’t have any big projects planned for this trip and so it has all been fairly relaxing.
While I have been relaxing a bit, it seems like I have fallen further and further behind on reading my blogs. I am sooo sorry! I have not forgotten you people and will get back soon! At least I will be able to see when I begin trying to get caught up!
I have gone to the optometrist and gotten a prescription for my eyeballs. Would you believe that my first pair of glasses is going to be bifocals? How blind am I? Well, I’ll tell you. My distance is .25 and my closer up in your face is 1.75. No. I don’t know what that means either. But I know I have to have bifocals. I am getting the line-less kind, with a far, mid and close range seeing area. I wasn’t so interested in seeing mid range as interested in NOT looking like I had on bifocals. Did I mention that this is my FIRST PAIR OF GLASSES? I was a little staggered.
Speaking of staggered… I have a… family(?) situation that smacks of reality tv, like nothing else. Think smutty, like maybe, Temptation Island meets The Girls Next Door. Only no one is that attractive.
You may remember me referring to Auntie-poo, before. She is Mither’s sister and my favorite person in the world, (Mither is sitting here insisting that I make it understood, except for her.). Well, she has a son, my cousin, actually, who has a wife that is a true piece of work. My cousin came home from work a month or so ago and his slutty wife told him she wanted him to move out that she had been communicating with a guy who is in prison and she loved him and they were going to get married. As soon as he gets out of prison. Come to find out this is going to have to be a June wedding, 2009.
June weddings are nice.
Anyway, getting back to my cousin, he has three children with this chick and was heartbroken enough. She then proceeded to tell him that years ago right after their last child was born she was corresponding with another guy on the internet and they decided to meet at a Jack in the Box. She told him that they had sex in the bathroom there. At Jack in the Box. When they met. For the first time.
I can’t seem to wrap my leetle brain around this. Maybe I’m not creative enough to think this “outside the box”. (Pardon the pun.) But let’s consider this a minute:
1. When meeting for sex at Jack in the Box with a man that has never been met before does one just assume the restaurant facilities will be adequate? Or does one hope the, ahem, gentleman has a van?
2. In which restroom is the dirty deed carried out? I mean Men’s or Women’s? Miss Manners would definitely have something to say about this. Or Emily Post. If she wasn’t dead.
3. If you are ensconced in a bathroom at Jack in the Box with your… lover, conquest, intended, slutmuffin, are you concerned with the type of paper towels offered? I mean if it’s an upscale establishment with a roll of paper towels, that’s one thing. You could roll those out on the floor and not have to worry about missing gaps in the coverage.
4. Do you bring your own paper towels? Oh dear. Would this seem presumptuous? Now, we wouldn’t want to give the wrong impression.
5. If left with only the folded paper towels that pull out of the dispenser one at a time, what do you do? Move the party to the counter? Sink? Standing?
6. Is there a lock on the interior of the door in the Jack in the Box restrooms?
7. How long to you do “it”? Too long and there will be people making racket outside the door and that will put a real damper on things. Too short and your partner will be very unimpressed.
8. What’s the rule about how old or big you can be to use a changing table?
9. When it says “Family” on the door of a restroom, does it mean just relatives?
10. When it says “No shirt, no shoes. No service” does it mean panties are optional.
11. John wants to know, “Do you get fries with that?”
You know Witchypoo over at Psychicgeek has an advise column that I’ve been toying with different questions for here for a good while, now… How do you think she’d answer,…..? Hummmm.
Comment by Serendipitous Girl on October 26, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Oh MY LAWD!! That is QUITE the story and your questions made me laugh so loud I woke Fisher up. And LOVE the Temptation Island reference, I thought I was the only person who watched that show! My weekend was much less tawdry ; )
Comment by big hair envy on October 27, 2008 at 1:37 pm
SCANDALOUS! I’m thinking “new reality show”!! Something about Slutmuffins Doing Cons at Jack-in-the-Box….or McDonald’s. Fries come with that. Do you want to BIGGIE SIZE it?
I’m sure all of your questions would be answered by the end of the first season.
Comment by Candy on October 27, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I’m betting they use those air dryer things at the old Jack in the Box. For their patrons’ pleasure, of course.
Comment by Anglophile Football Fanatic on October 27, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Wow. I’ll NEVER pee at Jack in the Crack again. And, that is beyond TT. It’s just plain freakish. Did she hint that maybe one of the kids is not his?
Comment by Karen on October 27, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Oh. My. Word.
I’ve seriously heard it all now. Have they been booked for the Jerry Springer show yet?
Comment by Mitch on October 28, 2008 at 12:52 am
You know, for one of those escapades, the term “Jack in the Box” seems like either an oxymoron or a Freudian slip. Either way, though it was sad for your cousin to hear, it does come across as Jerry Springer funny. Of course it had to be a quickie; I hear that their food goes right through you, so someone had to be ready to bang on the door; look, another one!
Comment by Talina on October 28, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Too funny, sounds like my family actually… We should compare horror stories, I think you’ll beat me though.
Comment by Roger on October 29, 2008 at 11:19 am
Okay, that’s out of the way… Did you start chanting “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry..”
We don’t have Jack in the Boxes here in Chicago, so I can’t compare restrooms, but I’m sure that they are at least comparable to say a road side gas station. That being said, I hear that women’s restrooms are just immacgulate so if I were to desire a quickie in the toilet, I would go for the room with the lady on the door.
Paper towels?!? How about some nice disinfectant and some baby wipes.
If someone is desperate/needy enough to use a restroom for carnal knowledge, then I doubt if they are going to care about the quality of said act…
Comment by Donna B. on October 30, 2008 at 10:25 am
Bifocals aren’t so bad. Wait until just one pair won’t do! I’ve got a pair for my computer, a pair for watching TV and another pair for driving.
As for the Jack in the Box liaison, I have nothing to add. At least nothing that I want my name associated with! I I didn’t have a cousin who did the fall in love with a prisoner thing, I’d have laughed harder.
She didn’t the Jack in the Box thing, or at least I never found out about it, but the guy in prison was in there for stealing from her father!
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