Hello! Today, boys and girls, I have been busy talking to Henrietta’s P. A. (physician’s assistant), home health care nurse, and the x-ray technician who came out to snap some glamor shots of her.
She’s got a totally bizarre and perplexing problem residing in her… (are you ready for this… go ahead and take a wild guess…) ass.
To make a long story short, (Yes. I am aware nobody thinks I can do this. *sigh* Now I am going to have to prove myself…) She broke her hip a couple of years ago and while she was still in the hospital recovering from the hip surgery, they called me and said it was dislocated. Doc said her muscles “contracted” and pulled her leg out of socket. She would need surgery again to fix it cause it would just pull out again if he manipulated it back in. Strangely enough, the old woman that makes the princess and the pea gal look insensitive wasn’t in any pain so she elected not to have the surgery. I believe it was one of her cuter moments, she looked at me when I explained her options and said, “I don’t want to have surgery again, Krissa. I’m old, already!”. She was 84 and I didn’t argue with her. So all this time she’s had a dislocated hip. Or, actually, I don’t know why it’s called that because really her femur is dislocated from her hip. Well, all of the sudden her leg bone has started… migrating around in her, butt. Her hip is all wonky crooked seeming and the head of the femur is poking out in the thickest part of her gluteus maximus. This makes it very painful to sit on for any length of time. Her butt is bruised from the inside.
At this point I would like to point out that this was promised to be a short story not a normal one.
Anyway, the P.A. and I sat there by her bed poking around and talking about what’s up with her bones and placing bets on what the x-ray will show and what we think the different odd bits poking out here and there are going to turn out to be.
I do know one thing. I see an operation in her future. Before long that bone is going to start a bedsore that I won’t be able to cure because anytime she is sitting or lying on her back she is pressing against it. Constant pressure.
John called while I was in there talking to the P.A. and asked what I was doing. I said, “Looking at your mom’s ass with Darnell. Do you want me to tell you about it?” “No! I gotta go, they’re paging me.”
The pansy-ass.
9 comments
Comment by witchypoo on October 1, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Poor H! She also has fissures, doesn’t she?
Comment by Roger on October 1, 2008 at 7:59 pm
God Bless You! I hope I have someone to look after my own ass that is as compassionate and caring as you. You are made of stronger stuff than I, that’s for sure. 🙂
Comment by Karen on October 2, 2008 at 6:54 am
First of all, I hope that surgery is quick, painless and she has a speedy recovery.
And second, that is freakin’ weird! Mr. X-Ray Hubby would love to hear about (and see!) this one. Not so much your MIL’s bum, but you know what I mean.
Comment by Madame Queen on October 2, 2008 at 7:32 am
Bwahahahah!! Men! They can’t take the tough stuff, can they?
Poor Henrietta! I hope this all gets worked out pretty quickly. I have to say that’s one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard of.
Comment by Anglophile Football Fanatic on October 3, 2008 at 12:04 am
I’m loving that Darnell statement: please tell me you watch My Name is Earl?? It would so happen on that show.
Comment by Big Hair Envy on October 3, 2008 at 9:55 am
Poor H! I hope she can get some relief soon.
I’m with AFF – definitely an episode of “My Name is Earl”!! Are you working on the script??
Have a great weekend 🙂
Comment by Tranny Head on October 3, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Dude – I love hte idea of one’s ass spawning an extra bone or two. That’s totally hawt.
PS – Welcome back!
Comment by Memarie Lane on October 4, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I think I should be hanging out with H. After bragging about how great my recovery was going, my ankles began to swell up and something happened to my neck. I hate just sitting around, and that’s now all I can do.
Comment by Colleen on October 6, 2008 at 11:26 am
Gives whole new meaning to the phrase “bony butt”.
Hope it’s a quick and successful surgery and very quick recovery.
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