All right. I give Krissa mad props for the whole cooking thing. That? is a bunch of crap.
Happily, that attempt was days ago and the smoke has cleared, I have placed all the batteries back in the (incredibly annoying) smoke detectors, and the fire department has gone on their merry way.
YES! FIREMEN! Big, good looking hunks of man that leave you drooling.
OK, maybe we were just hungry since dinner was burned.
But, on to what’s going on now. The gardner/hot pool boy, (Burrito), is mowing the yard and Conchita has abandoned me to go back to Mexico. Some crap about visiting a dying mother or something like that. She has sent me her cousin to take her place. Her name is Taquita.
I can only hope that she has been tutored by Conchita herself and will be fully aware of the do’s and don’ts of bathroom grout maintenance.
I am a stickler about my grout.

Oops! Burrito is done mowing and all sweaty. I better go observe him cooling down under the water hose.
Later, kids!

Second day of my new life…

Things have got to change in this dump. I don’t know how Krissa stood it.

Today I:

Slept in.

Had “relations” with Krissa’s husband.

Got rid of him and then promptly hired a full time maid.

Had an internet connection installed directly beside the bathtub.

Hired hot pool boy.

Spied on neighbors barbequing next door.

They thought I was Krissa for some reason and I just played along to get good grub. What do I care? Morons.

I placed the cats out the window of the second story and timed their decent and entrance through the doggy door. (The younger one is faster than the old biddy.)

Shopped for jewelry and purchased said jewelry.

Burned Krissa’s credit card receipts in fireplace. (And I bet she won’t even thank me…)

Tomorrow I plan on:

Attempting a “home cooked meal”. I mean what the hell is the big deal? If that idiot can do it, I sure as hell can. John, (the husband flavor of the month), will never even know it’s my first try at cooking and all that happy crap.

Find out if the new maid, Conchita, can score me some pot. (You know… she be Messican and all…)

Call some hardbody construction guys and see about getting a pool put in to have a good reason to have a hot pool boy. (I’m not stupid…. I cover my bases.)

 

Until I feel like getting back with you, (in my own time frame and entirely at my convenience),

Cy

There’s a new bitch at the computer

I take it, if you are still around, you realize something has happened to Krissa. Yes. She finally went round the bend and The Mildly Mental Head Hospital down the road has become her…er, semi-permanent abode.

You know they won’t let her use computers in there.

Well, not after the scandal.

But more about that later. I need to get you all caught up about me. My name is Kosis, some people call me Cy. I realize Krissa never mentioned me to you before, but she and I are inseparable and have only recently been separated.

Yes, that’s the way it happens.

Unfortunately, she can’t run as fast as I can and didn’t make it out. She’s not much of a fence climber, either. I intend to visit her on alternate Sundays.

Incognito, of course, as they are surely still looking for me there. (I am quite popular among the staff and inmates clientele, both. Shhhhhh.)

Krissa never talked about me to anyone. I was the brilliant one working behind the scenes to make her the person she was. It was terribly hard to do much of anything with her. Ya’ know… that sucking void of a black hole she had for an imagination was not easy to get around.

Well, finally one of the psych doctors friendly strangers wearing white all the damn time, got her to discuss me and the role I had been playing in her life. The nut actually assured her that she didn’t need me and renamed me “Alter”. I knew it was time to get the hell out of there and made good my escape. She can’t keep up? Too bad. So sad.

I admit, I am kind of lost without her, though. She is such a great patsy. I can usually get her to go where ever I lead her.

If only she could run faster…

Well, while she is in there, I will be assuming her identity role here at home and I am going to get this dump into some sort of order. And by that I mean this place could be a lot more fun.

The dogs need to have more treats. There needs to be more ice cream in the freezer. Ding Dongs in the pantry. Booze in the liquor cabinet.

Oh, and I get to sleep with her husband, too. ;-)

I think I can get used to this.

AND I will tell you what is REALLY going on around here. Krissa was always trying to make it sound as if it was all boring domestic bliss. HA! I will make sure you get the real lowdown.

And I’m not making any promises, I am one very busy little bitch, but I will attempt to do it on a regular basis.

Toodles for now,

Kosis

The Funky Chicken

 

So it’s Saturday morning and Kes comes in and drags me out of bed to go do a little shopping with her.

“OK”, I says, “Let’s go.”

So I hop up and while she gets dressed I am in a little quandary since I can’t find anything to wear that fits. You see, I’ve lost weight. A good deal of it, as a matter of fact. So have Kessa and Keelan. We’ve all been on the diet train.

I put on a sleeveless white blouse and walked into the living room and stepped into the stairwell.

“Kessa!”

“What?”

“Come look at this and tell me what you think.”

“In a minute! I’m getting dressed.”

So Keelan has wandered in and looks at me and says, “Why? What’s the matter with it?”

I extended my arms and asked if the hanging armholes looked ridiculous.She shrugs halfheartedly as her sister enters the room and Keelan says,  “What are you going to be doing that would require you to put your arms out like that?”

I immediately reply that there may or may not be an occasion during our shopping trip where the need to do The Funky Chicken occurs.

Kes’s head snapped around like a homing device and her eyes zeroed in on me.

“Mom, let me make this perfectly clear… We will NOT be doing The Funky Chicken at ANY TIME TODAY.”

At some point in the day, on the way to the car, I had a pair of reading glasses perched on top of my head, (I mean how else am I going to read price tags?), and I was taking a pair of sunglasses out of my purse to apply to my eyeballs, having completely forgotten the reading glasses up there.

Kessa pipes up, “Mom, you’ve got too many pairs of glasses on at one time… one’s the limit.

I told her that I always wear two pairs when I’m going to do The Funky Chicken and she came to a complete stop in the parking lot.

“Mom! There WILL BE NO FUNKY CHICKEN, TODAY!”

I think this leaves the chance open for another day and if I keep my mouth shut and don’t remind her that it’s even a possibility… Well, I could very well be seen doing The Funky Chicken in the parking lot of Target near you. Or maybe even far away. The priceless thing won’t be me doing it, but the look on the young lady’s face with me.

 

 

Tomorrow

John is off work tomorrow. What will we do?

Probably go grocery shopping.

Run errands.

Complain about the girls while knowing we would be lonely without them.

Play with the dogs.

Watch a movie.

Water the lawn.

And in the end, we will communicate a lot somewhere in there.

And we will GET each other.

This? Is why I look forward to my days spent with him.